Being re-affirmed one step at a time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Being re-affirmed one step at a time...
I've allowed myself to believe that there's more out there than what I have now. I've started letting myself think about more than being super wife and instead am being a good person. I've concluded that being a good person will help me in all paths of my life..children, home, work, school, etc....
In my decision I've been shown behavior I shouldn't accept, actions that are inappropriate and seen how much they've affected myself and my children. It feels like I'm really seeing these bad things for the first time. Yeah, they've always been there, but I've never tried to understand them. Instead I've worked around it and thought this is my life.
Now I'm making myself believe it. Saying things are one thing, but believing it deep down in your soul is completely different.
It feels like I've had a lot of incidents highlighted lately in my life that aren't right and that I shouldn't accept as alright.
It feels like my lifeline is being thrown to me by the timing of us all being out of school for the summer at the same time as my other place will be empty.
When I hear him tell me how much he should mean to me and how much I don't show my appreciation/gratitude for things he does I just don't buy it. We're married, he shouldn't be trying to "sell" himself to me again. I bought it once hook, line and sinker. I think it's more because he can feel me not buying into his BS and he's afraid of losing control of me.
It's crazy, all of the things he does and wants me to show appreciation for I do as well. I don't expect someone to pat me on the back for it, these actions(dishes, kids, etc...)are just a part of life. It would have to be done regardless of being married or living with someone.
It took me working 24-32 hours/wk, 6-12 hrs/wk school, plus 6+ hours/wk of homework for him to start watching HIS kids, to help with laundry, dishes or cooking. Heck, he still doesn't hardly do anything outside.
To me it feels like I'm really LOOKING at things, analyzing, deciphering and realizing what my life has been all about....HIM. I've tried to be the best wife and mother I could be and there's always SOMETHING that just wasn't good enough. I'd fixed to much spaghetti and so that meant that I didn't care about him(spaghetti gives him indigestion), so I'd hear about it in a 45 minute talk or I'd given the dog to much attention. Just the other night I was told that his drinking wasn't a big deal and if I felt it was then please explain it to him. He wouldn't of cared what I told him about it that bothered me because there would of been something that made me wrong and him right. So I didn't argue with his quacking.
I'm tired of it.
Yep, I didn't do it!!!!!!!! and not my fault!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my decision I've been shown behavior I shouldn't accept, actions that are inappropriate and seen how much they've affected myself and my children. It feels like I'm really seeing these bad things for the first time. Yeah, they've always been there, but I've never tried to understand them. Instead I've worked around it and thought this is my life.
Now I'm making myself believe it. Saying things are one thing, but believing it deep down in your soul is completely different.
It feels like I've had a lot of incidents highlighted lately in my life that aren't right and that I shouldn't accept as alright.
It feels like my lifeline is being thrown to me by the timing of us all being out of school for the summer at the same time as my other place will be empty.
When I hear him tell me how much he should mean to me and how much I don't show my appreciation/gratitude for things he does I just don't buy it. We're married, he shouldn't be trying to "sell" himself to me again. I bought it once hook, line and sinker. I think it's more because he can feel me not buying into his BS and he's afraid of losing control of me.
It's crazy, all of the things he does and wants me to show appreciation for I do as well. I don't expect someone to pat me on the back for it, these actions(dishes, kids, etc...)are just a part of life. It would have to be done regardless of being married or living with someone.
It took me working 24-32 hours/wk, 6-12 hrs/wk school, plus 6+ hours/wk of homework for him to start watching HIS kids, to help with laundry, dishes or cooking. Heck, he still doesn't hardly do anything outside.
To me it feels like I'm really LOOKING at things, analyzing, deciphering and realizing what my life has been all about....HIM. I've tried to be the best wife and mother I could be and there's always SOMETHING that just wasn't good enough. I'd fixed to much spaghetti and so that meant that I didn't care about him(spaghetti gives him indigestion), so I'd hear about it in a 45 minute talk or I'd given the dog to much attention. Just the other night I was told that his drinking wasn't a big deal and if I felt it was then please explain it to him. He wouldn't of cared what I told him about it that bothered me because there would of been something that made me wrong and him right. So I didn't argue with his quacking.
I'm tired of it.
Yep, I didn't do it!!!!!!!! and not my fault!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Thank you!!
What a great post...I could identify with so much of it. And the real kicker was when you mentioned your husband saying you gave the dog too much attention. THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO! Where do these guys come from anyway? Good grief! I really need to be at that point where you are to just say Enough's enough.
PS. I am from KY also.
PS. I am from KY also.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
inahaze,
I love how you've started to believe in yourself.
Tell you a story: My mom-in-law died around Thanksgiving in a hospice. I'd never known anything about hospices before, and assumed they were like the worst of nursing homes, really sad, indifferent staff, sad older people, etc. But I found something completely different. Wise elders who just happened to be dying but who were still full of life. The women who worked at this hospice were so tender, loving, giving, and strong. Stronger than I could ever be. I talked to one of the CNAs again this month when I went back there to arrange for a bunch of donations people wanted to make, and asked questions about why she did it for a living. She said that taking care of people who were reaching the end of their journey made her feel more alive than she ever had before.
I thought about you while I was there, your stories of the people you take care of , especially the one who passed away.
You are so much more important than just some ungrateful person's cook-and-bottle-washer. You're filling a vital role in helping your residents to spend part of their life with tenderness and joy. Your role in the world is important. I am glad you're starting to see yourself with kindness and pride........you are needed, and not just to make spaghetti.
I love how you've started to believe in yourself.
Tell you a story: My mom-in-law died around Thanksgiving in a hospice. I'd never known anything about hospices before, and assumed they were like the worst of nursing homes, really sad, indifferent staff, sad older people, etc. But I found something completely different. Wise elders who just happened to be dying but who were still full of life. The women who worked at this hospice were so tender, loving, giving, and strong. Stronger than I could ever be. I talked to one of the CNAs again this month when I went back there to arrange for a bunch of donations people wanted to make, and asked questions about why she did it for a living. She said that taking care of people who were reaching the end of their journey made her feel more alive than she ever had before.
I thought about you while I was there, your stories of the people you take care of , especially the one who passed away.
You are so much more important than just some ungrateful person's cook-and-bottle-washer. You're filling a vital role in helping your residents to spend part of their life with tenderness and joy. Your role in the world is important. I am glad you're starting to see yourself with kindness and pride........you are needed, and not just to make spaghetti.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Great Post!
In my decision I've been shown behavior I shouldn't accept, actions that are inappropriate and seen how much they've affected myself and my children. It feels like I'm really seeing these bad things for the first time. Yeah, they've always been there, but I've never tried to understand them.
they've always been there, but I've never tried to understand them. Instead I've worked around it and thought this is my life.
Now I'm making myself believe it. Saying things are one thing, but believing it deep down in your soul is completely different.
Now I'm making myself believe it. Saying things are one thing, but believing it deep down in your soul is completely different.
I started doing exactly what you are doing - telling myself that there is SO much more to life than living with turmoil. I lived those little petty criticisms that you speak of and they can tear you down. I found myself walking on eggshells at times or even just letting him go on and on about whatever it was just to not start the drama. I was losing myself and my gut knew it.
But the good news here is you have had what seems like a "lightbulb" moment for YOU. You are starting to realize that you are a strong, intelligent woman and you deserve only the best.
Stay strong and read here often and post even more!! That in itself has helped me more than I could ever explain.
Peace and strength to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
I thought about you while I was there, your stories of the people you take care of , especially the one who passed away.
You are so much more important than just some ungrateful person's cook-and-bottle-washer. You're filling a vital role in helping your residents to spend part of their life with tenderness and joy. Your role in the world is important. I am glad you're starting to see yourself with kindness and pride........you are needed, and not just to make spaghetti.
You are so much more important than just some ungrateful person's cook-and-bottle-washer. You're filling a vital role in helping your residents to spend part of their life with tenderness and joy. Your role in the world is important. I am glad you're starting to see yourself with kindness and pride........you are needed, and not just to make spaghetti.
Realizations are kind of weird when you start. I've been thinking that things weren't right long ago, but realizing what it is that's wrong...WOW. Definately a wow factor.
I see things he does and think :wtf2
He had a rough childhood and thinks he works through everything, he says he's a good hubby and probably is in his eyes. I have to roll my eyes though because I'm thinking you're seeing the world through beer-colored glasses. I think if he ever takes his shades off it won't be quite so right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by jehnifer
What a great post...I could identify with so much of it. And the real kicker was when you mentioned your husband saying you gave the dog too much attention. THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO! Where do these guys come from anyway? Good grief! I really need to be at that point where you are to just say Enough's enough.
PS. I am from KY also.
PS. I am from KY also.
I've been accused of a lot of things, if it's not one thing it's another. I'd give something up only to be spending to much time with something else. I could do the dishes but the clothes would be piled up. Vaccum, but not dust. It's just never-ending.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((inahaze))).......I think going through the death of my dad also changed something in me. He died with such dignity, he was literally surrounded by people who loved him and whom he loved. He was so much more "alive" than I've been for a few years, even lying there facing his own death.
I've been in a VERY strange place since. It's almost as if I'm a spectator in my own home. My AH said he was moving out last Friday. I wish he would have. Tonight he is drunk, out with his drinking buddy, doing only God knows what. He has been as nice as can be every since I gave him permission to go.....I guess he expected the drama to start and me to beg him to stay. I gotta get off my rear and take action. I know that, he knows that, but somehow day after day goes by. Thank you for posting. I think I need a little of that spark you've got to get me going.
BTW, my cooking gives the AH indigestion too.......and when he quit drinking and got the dry heaves he got "a bad piece of bologna".
I've been in a VERY strange place since. It's almost as if I'm a spectator in my own home. My AH said he was moving out last Friday. I wish he would have. Tonight he is drunk, out with his drinking buddy, doing only God knows what. He has been as nice as can be every since I gave him permission to go.....I guess he expected the drama to start and me to beg him to stay. I gotta get off my rear and take action. I know that, he knows that, but somehow day after day goes by. Thank you for posting. I think I need a little of that spark you've got to get me going.
BTW, my cooking gives the AH indigestion too.......and when he quit drinking and got the dry heaves he got "a bad piece of bologna".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by blessed4x
(((inahaze))).......I think going through the death of my dad also changed something in me. He died with such dignity, he was literally surrounded by people who loved him and whom he loved. He was so much more "alive" than I've been for a few years, even lying there facing his own death.
I've been in a VERY strange place since. It's almost as if I'm a spectator in my own home. My AH said he was moving out last Friday. I wish he would have. Tonight he is drunk, out with his drinking buddy, doing only God knows what. He has been as nice as can be every since I gave him permission to go.....I guess he expected the drama to start and me to beg him to stay. I gotta get off my rear and take action. I know that, he knows that, but somehow day after day goes by. Thank you for posting. I think I need a little of that spark you've got to get me going.
BTW, my cooking gives the AH indigestion too.......and when he quit drinking and got the dry heaves he got "a bad piece of bologna".
I've been in a VERY strange place since. It's almost as if I'm a spectator in my own home. My AH said he was moving out last Friday. I wish he would have. Tonight he is drunk, out with his drinking buddy, doing only God knows what. He has been as nice as can be every since I gave him permission to go.....I guess he expected the drama to start and me to beg him to stay. I gotta get off my rear and take action. I know that, he knows that, but somehow day after day goes by. Thank you for posting. I think I need a little of that spark you've got to get me going.
BTW, my cooking gives the AH indigestion too.......and when he quit drinking and got the dry heaves he got "a bad piece of bologna".
BTW, my husband is asleep in his chair and he only drank 6-16oz'ers tonight. He did get irritated w/ me at one point pre-sleep, he said something about my daughter coming home whining from grandma's and her being grounded if she did. I didn't quite agree w/ him so he decided to start raising his voice. When I called him on it he said he only raised his voice because I had something to say to each of his statements. I said no I was only talking and not agreeing, I wasn't upset or mad so I don't view it as arguing.
Better to be heard and seen than quiet and invisible.
Shortly after he was asleep. Oh well.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi inahaze
I think you are doing very well in your recovery with those realizations, thank you for posting them!
Its just like you say, ourselves with the pink glasses and them with the beer glasses. I am glad you are taking off yours. We are taking off ours :>
I am glad you are ceasing to play the game.
I think you are doing very well in your recovery with those realizations, thank you for posting them!
Its just like you say, ourselves with the pink glasses and them with the beer glasses. I am glad you are taking off yours. We are taking off ours :>
I am glad you are ceasing to play the game.
Getting Over It
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Inahaze, I know exactly what you mean about thanking your husband for things expected in life. Mine wants that constantly. Um, if dishes need to be put away, someones gotta do it! If my RAH gets home early and starts dinner after picking up our son from daycare, he expects a reward! Ummm, last time I checked, your the dad...
Last week, he was mad cause I wasnt around to pay for our boys basketball pictures and so he had to pay. Later, he refused to put more than $15 gas in my van (that he was driving) because Im taking advantage of him... I pay most of the bills and buy most of the food, so WTF?? Today, he was yelling cause we have too many socks. Yea, too many socks.
I am slowly regaining control of my life and opening my eyes to the reality of my marriage. Reading Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay is helping. Im almost there!
Last week, he was mad cause I wasnt around to pay for our boys basketball pictures and so he had to pay. Later, he refused to put more than $15 gas in my van (that he was driving) because Im taking advantage of him... I pay most of the bills and buy most of the food, so WTF?? Today, he was yelling cause we have too many socks. Yea, too many socks.
I am slowly regaining control of my life and opening my eyes to the reality of my marriage. Reading Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay is helping. Im almost there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by inahaze
It's crazy, all of the things he does and wants me to show appreciation for I do as well. I don't expect someone to pat me on the back for it, these actions(dishes, kids, etc...)are just a part of life. It would have to be done regardless of being married or living with someone.
He was irresponsible, demanding, immature, and under-involved. I grumbled about that too. I guess all that grumbling kept me from seeing the reality of the situation because doing that was terrifying.
Anyway, I was superwoman and every now and then he would throw me a crumb. That usually happened when HE felt threatened and really had nothing to do with me.
On the other side if he did something like unload the dishwasher, or sit down and help a child with homework he expected a marching band and a gold medal!!!
Everything was backwards with us....now that I think of it it was insane.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
