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Old 01-30-2009, 10:04 AM
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Unhappy New Here

I am a codependent, child of an alcoholic and find that I am addicted to addicts. My ex-husband is a drug addict and my ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic. My problem is that it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend and I broke up and I am still in love with him. Did I mention that he lives across the street from me and has sucked me back in 4 times since we broke up, only to hurt me AGAIN each time? Why am I still in love with him? I have been in therapy for years and have focused soley on this topic for over a year. It is so hard seeing his house (and him) every day and not being able to get him out of my head. I know he is sick and refuses to address his drinking (which has gotten markedly worse since we broke up) and I KNOW I can't save him, help him, etc. etc. but I am still so struggling with getting him out of my head and moving on with my life. I have a date tomorrow night (my first in 1 1/2 years) and am looking forward to it, but feel I can't fully move on until he is completely out of my life and thoughts! Any thoughts will be helpful! :praying
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Old 01-30-2009, 10:18 AM
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(((HUGS)))

Wow, that's a tough situation for you to be in, living so close to him. Is it possible for you to move? Do you have kids together?

For me, I do the most healing when I am not in contact with my xabf at all, including seeing him, at all. It is best for me when I don't know what he's doing.

I am sorry you are going through this, I'm sure others will be along shortly with some greater "words of wisdom".
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Old 01-30-2009, 10:57 AM
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It’s a difficult situation you are in living across the street from him. For the last year what has your therapist suggested you do? Is it possible for you to move?

My best answer to your question “why am I still in love with him?” because you have not let go you are still holding on to something, hope, what ever it is you have not let go.

Something I learned was when my bf relapsed and we broke up and I said things like “he’s worse since we broke up” my codie self was taking responsibility for his actions and kept me emotional involved to him.

If you are some how feeling responsible for his drinking then thought feelings are keeping you emotional tied to him and preventing you from letting go.

I also attempted to date while my feelings were still so strong towards my ex and all that date did was make me feel guilty as if I was doing something wrong. I was no where near ready to date.
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Old 01-30-2009, 12:08 PM
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moving?

NO there is not a possibility for me to move. He tried to sell his house but unfortunatley he isn't going anywhere either. I am seriously considering hypnosis. I can't get to the bottom of why I stay emotionally attached to a man that is so not good for me on so many levels. I am off to see my therapist right now for some words of wisdom- she always grounds me but unfortunatley I am the one that has to do the work.
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Old 01-30-2009, 01:21 PM
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In my own experiences with therapy, two things came through that surprised me:

1) I stayed in painful relationships because I'd been wired from birth to think, no, to KNOW, that pain/drama = normal. I also felt that I didn't deserve to be loved for who & what I was, and that it was an impossible thing to hold out for, so I set my sights considerably lower, on people who mouthed the words to me and then caused me pain. My hurtful relationships felt comfortable and natural, like a warm bath, because it's all I'd ever known. That was something that I had to work very long and hard to change.

2) I was 100% skewed toward making decisions with my heart, and 0% toward making them with my head (I was a Myers-Briggs INFP, all into romance, drama, "soul-mates", and all of that)

Without counseling, I probably wouldn't be here. And if my counselor didn't make me do the work, it never would've "stuck." I hope she helps you to help yourself.

Love is a verb. It's something you DO, not some hole you trip and fall into. You don't have to love someone that causes you pain. There are too many truly good, truly lovable people in the world waiting to be your partner.
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Old 01-30-2009, 03:49 PM
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Infp

From another INFP- your comments are dead on! I think my therapist told me the exact same things you said in #1 just today! It is what I am totally focused on. God is sure testing me by having my ex across the street but I have to keep telling myself I deserve so much better- it will be my daily montra, among other wonderful things about myself! I just have to work on me til the man that deserves me comes along!
Can you tell that my therapist always helps to ground me! I am committed to the work I have to do!
Thank you for all your comments and feedback, It is nice to know there are poeple out there who understand and live it too!
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Old 01-30-2009, 09:03 PM
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hopeful,

i had a similar situation. even on this board, some said that my obsessing and thinking was me- but i can tell you that as much as i tried, it actually was beyond my ability.

taking medication really helped- the one im on is for OCD and not only does it make the sticky thoughts less sticky, it really helps me to get him out of my head. just sometihng to consider. ive been in counseling for years, and working on our post breakup for about 8 months and i pretty much thought of it every waking second. i have made a ot of progress- still ha ve sooooo far to go.

i am having trouble moving on too, and the best way as mentioned, is no contact. i am sorry you have to see him. i dont have any suggestions there but if you find something that works, let me know- and ill do the same.
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Old 01-30-2009, 11:42 PM
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hi hopeful (genrs nice to see you posting)
same story but i work with the guy. i agree it SUCKS!!

moving on when you still have to see the guy is much more difficult and takes more time... but it can be done! think of it as an experiment of patience with yourself :>

whenever i start wondering about what he is doing with the new gf, how he is having fun and i have cried for months...all those harmful thoughts... i try to gently bring myself back to ME and my plans. or if i cannot do it i try to think of someone that loves me like my dad or a close friend. or a really good memory that does not involve him.

also the "next right thing to do" has helped me. this moment, what is the next right thing or the next best thing you can think of doing for yourself, in order for you to feel better? this helps come back to the present moment and reality...

i am there with you and i am glad we are recovering together.

i wish i could have a magic wand to solve this.

the best lesson i have learned from my mourning and constant wound reopening is, feel your feelings, accept them, get them out of your system, do not keep anything inside...

if i am sad i do not try to distract myself doing something else, i sit down, think about all the memories, play the songs, see the pictures and take it to the extreme.... nice release. my roomie thinks i like to suffer but no, as i do not want to be suffering carrying this weight all the time i am pushing for it all to go out and release me!! at least that's my well tested method getting over someone lol...

there is no timer. ppl have asked me that is already 4 months since we broke up and really cannot believe i am still sad. ok ppl leave an alcoholic person you loved with all your heart and we'll talk after that!!

you can work out, study, improve somehow, that is good revenge lol :> i know i am looking and dressing much better... i try to use the fact my ex sees me everyday as a motivation to go forward.. probably should not be that way... but it makes me improve. ultimately i hope i do this for myself only.

all the best in your mourning process and know you are never alone, we'll weather the storm and come out stronger and wiser, able to make better decisions and take good care of ourselves no matter what we come across
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Old 01-31-2009, 05:29 AM
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Wow am I sure glad I joined this site! Just knowing that people understand makes it so much better! My friends have a hard time understanding, but they try. I HATE when people say, you have to let him go. That is like speaking a foreign language to me. Yes the hardest part is seeing him and his comings and goings everyday. That really makes it hard. I can just tell by how he has parked his car in the driveway whether he is happy or in a bad place. It is weird, but I know. He never turns lights on in his house and I know he is in there drinking alone.
But I am stronger and desereve better and I have to keep telling myself that everyday!
Thank you for weathering the storm with me!
Still Hopeful!
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Old 01-31-2009, 09:17 PM
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Hi hopeful!!

Yes those well meaning words are foreign to me as well, or my other personal favorites "look, he's moved on already" or "get someone else as he did" OK let's just say I stopped talking to those people... I feel much better reading SR.

I believe it is hard as well because the other one is still in denial and drinking the same or worse. Yes, this is not our problem now (or was).

But still makes it difficult to me to feel our relation had a purpose... it would be a different thing if the guy got somehow aware of the problem... but no, still in denial 100% and I bet he is drinking way more without me. Making me feel more alone.

Anyhow I am glad you are hopeful, the day when he is as indifferent to me as anyone else.. I will be SO PROUD...

you are doing very well hopeful!! >
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:50 AM
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Thank you Dreamer! I had a first date last night and it was fun but I don't think he was interested. SOmetimes I think I only attract addicts! LOL So today I am back to obsessing about my ex and have to wonder just how drunk he will get watching the super bowl. UGHH Of course there is that unhealthy part of me that is hoping he will call me too- WHY????
I am going to try very hard not to watch his house today to see what he is doing, which is so hard for me, but I hate it and will try very hard just to stay inside and focus on me today!
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Old 02-01-2009, 01:49 PM
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hopefulone,

I can only imagine what you are going through living across the street from your exabf. You're definitely caught between a rock and a hard place. I personally believe that you can't help what you feel for someone; however, you know you have to do what's best for you to get better and hopefully experience a healthy life and loving relationship with someone one day.

Not sure if someone else made this suggestion, but have you considered renting your place?
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:13 PM
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Thanks mtr- no unfortunatey I cannot move or rent, it wouldn't make sense for me financially and I have 2 young girls who need stability. I am just looking at it as God put me in this awful situation to force me to address my demons and my codependent self! If I can lern from it then I am only going to be stronger and healthier, instead of running from it. But it sure does force me to address my own issues EVERYDAY and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
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