Serious about recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ogden UT
Posts: 49
Serious about recovery
I have been struggling with my AH for about 5 years now and last weekend he went on a alcohol and coke binge. He "said:" he passed out or had a siezure or something and it scared him and he now says he has a problem. I have heard a lot of false promises from him so Im not sure as to wether he is being serious or not. The only thing I hope for him now is to be healthy and go to a doctor to see how much damage he has done to his body.
My question here is has anybody had a person close to them stop doing what they are doing? and if so what were some ways you knew in your heart they were serious about it.. My AH has been going to AA everyday since Sunday so 1 point for him. I know its a long process but I am just in need of some thoughts from those either in recovery or those who have seen it.
My question here is has anybody had a person close to them stop doing what they are doing? and if so what were some ways you knew in your heart they were serious about it.. My AH has been going to AA everyday since Sunday so 1 point for him. I know its a long process but I am just in need of some thoughts from those either in recovery or those who have seen it.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Oh (((waiting)))
There are plenty of people who have gone through recovery and stayed sober, plenty of people who have tried recovery and had a few relapses, and plenty of people who have not been able to sustain a program of recovery and have gone back to drinking/drugging.......there just isn't a set pattern that says someone's going to turn out to be X, Y, or Z.
I hope that this really means what you (and he) think it means, because it's not good for anyone to live like he has been. But counting "points" and looking for signs and worrying about whether X means Y....will drive you mad. What about you? Are you happy? What are your boundaries if this doesn't work? Are you going to Al-Anon or working any kind of family member program that will help you keep the laser focus OFF what he's doing and ON your own health and happiness? That's really the only thing you can control.
There are plenty of people who have gone through recovery and stayed sober, plenty of people who have tried recovery and had a few relapses, and plenty of people who have not been able to sustain a program of recovery and have gone back to drinking/drugging.......there just isn't a set pattern that says someone's going to turn out to be X, Y, or Z.
I hope that this really means what you (and he) think it means, because it's not good for anyone to live like he has been. But counting "points" and looking for signs and worrying about whether X means Y....will drive you mad. What about you? Are you happy? What are your boundaries if this doesn't work? Are you going to Al-Anon or working any kind of family member program that will help you keep the laser focus OFF what he's doing and ON your own health and happiness? That's really the only thing you can control.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
My AH would do the same thing -- coke and booze binges - sometimes gone for days (he hasn't, to my knowledge, lately because he has spent every dime he has on it). One time a few years ago, he was on a binge. I was sleeping and opened my eyes to see him standing there over me. I got mad at him and he left again (because he scared me and because he had been gone for two days). He later told me he thought he was having a heart attack, had spent a couple of hours in the McDonalds parking lot in the back seat of the car, freaking out. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME HE WAS DOING THAT because it "scared" him so much. Well, I can tell you that it wasn't the last time, there were MANY time after that and we are now heading for separation.
I agree with GL that there is no x,y,z in this disease. That's one of the reasons I am leaving. I can't live the rest of my life worrying that "this is the day" or not being able to have more than $100 in the bank at a time because it's one of his triggers or ALL of the codie things that I do. He has been clean before -- he actually usually lasts about six weeks in between binges. Those times are wonderful and I get a glimpse of the man I love. But when it happens, it's devastating to me, and everyone around him. The lies, deceipt, hiding money, getting loans I don't know about, selling things to pay for debt -- it's awful and even if he was recovered for a long period of time, I can't live with having to worry about "when the next shoe will drop". I've done that for too long and I know it has contributed to him staying ill and to me staying ill.
I know there are people out there that do recover and I have the upmost respect for them -- and their love ones who have been able to support them in a healthy, loving manner. Like a lot of things in life, with this disease, there are no guarantees. It's where YOUR BOTTOM is that will help you -- focus on YOU and your children and easy does it.
I agree with GL that there is no x,y,z in this disease. That's one of the reasons I am leaving. I can't live the rest of my life worrying that "this is the day" or not being able to have more than $100 in the bank at a time because it's one of his triggers or ALL of the codie things that I do. He has been clean before -- he actually usually lasts about six weeks in between binges. Those times are wonderful and I get a glimpse of the man I love. But when it happens, it's devastating to me, and everyone around him. The lies, deceipt, hiding money, getting loans I don't know about, selling things to pay for debt -- it's awful and even if he was recovered for a long period of time, I can't live with having to worry about "when the next shoe will drop". I've done that for too long and I know it has contributed to him staying ill and to me staying ill.
I know there are people out there that do recover and I have the upmost respect for them -- and their love ones who have been able to support them in a healthy, loving manner. Like a lot of things in life, with this disease, there are no guarantees. It's where YOUR BOTTOM is that will help you -- focus on YOU and your children and easy does it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ogden UT
Posts: 49
Thank you both
I have been going to Alanon and getting to my point of doing what makes me happy... my job is going great and I am back in college all while dealing with the AH in my life. Alanon is to thank for all the extras in my life. I let go of my AH in the way of not telling him what to do or asking anything of him. He chose to go out the other weekend and that is the road he took. I dont believe his quacking about getting better as its my defense mechanism for me to not let him in. I was just asking if anybody had a similar situation and how their "other" helped themselves and didnt help themselves. I know I have gotten much better with the whole situation and I have been able to pick myself up without pending my happiness on him
I have been going to Alanon and getting to my point of doing what makes me happy... my job is going great and I am back in college all while dealing with the AH in my life. Alanon is to thank for all the extras in my life. I let go of my AH in the way of not telling him what to do or asking anything of him. He chose to go out the other weekend and that is the road he took. I dont believe his quacking about getting better as its my defense mechanism for me to not let him in. I was just asking if anybody had a similar situation and how their "other" helped themselves and didnt help themselves. I know I have gotten much better with the whole situation and I have been able to pick myself up without pending my happiness on him
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
It's so tough when they say they are going into recovery.
My Ah has done it many times. Your heart wants to believe it is so, that this is the time. And it may be! I don't know.
There is no real way to tell if he is serious or not only time will tell.
and you'll know if he is getting better
My Ah has done it many times. Your heart wants to believe it is so, that this is the time. And it may be! I don't know.
There is no real way to tell if he is serious or not only time will tell.
and you'll know if he is getting better Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
We can and do recover. I'm living proof. But, don't bet on it if he's still acting ill. If you are just going on the odds, most people don't stay sober or clean. More of us relapse than permanently succeed. It's a tough disease! Ignore his words and pay attention to his actions if you want to know what's going to happen in his case. Talk is always cheap.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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