escape artist

i was just re assessing how many of my relationships were with alcoholics/addicts. i remember when thinking about what i wanted in a partner that i always said i really didn't want to be with someone who Never drank because I occasionally like to have a glass of wine, or go out and that just wouldn't work if they were teetotalers. but now it seems as though i can't be with someone who drinks because i am never sure if they are really social drinkers or problem drinkers! and yet, my thinking is "i can't be with him, because he has a problem drinking and always will, which means I won't be able to enjoy my wine or going out with them, because they shouldn't drink!!!! is this realistic thinking? do others think like this? do i think like an alcoholic because i want to protect my "right" to have a drink-because i am able to socially drink? :wtf2

brundle

Good question. I'm not out dating. But I've wondered if I knew years ago what I know now????? I use to think as you did. I'm in my second addiction type marriage. This one has made it that I really don't like the smell of alcohol anymore. Usually he drinks so much you can smell it from across the room. He smells like that and stale cigars. (OH yummm!)...

When I'm with friends I may order a drink, but honestly I just don't like it like I once did. I guess if I had to be really honest; I would rather a guy who didn't drink at all to one who does at this point. But then again that's just me...

MissFixit

I am not in your position and I am not dating.

However, L is my first alcoholic EVER. I have dated many men before who could drink normally. This is different for all, but IMHO this means wine with dinner and a drink or two before or after...occassionally. On a daily basis, no alcohol or maybe one beer after work. Booze was never a priority, it was an option. It didn't affect our lives and wasn't daily and they never made fools or themselves or got really drunk. Their thinking was also different. No man before for me has ever had the lying, manipulating and I am not accountable for anything mentality as my A did. The repeating negative behavior regardless of consequences was unique to my A too.

GiveLove

I had these thoughts too for the first few years away from alcoholic spouses/boyfriends. It's like my tolerance of drinkers swung all the way over on the other side of the pendulum (after years of tolerating just about anything) and I couldn't deal with drinking.

As I work my own recovery, it's slowly swung to the middle, and I breathe a big sigh of relief. My husband drinks normally -- and most of our friends do too (there's one alcoholic in the bunch). I think you might want to work through this with yourself, your journal, Al-Anon, a counselor, or whatever works best for you. There are plenty of people in the world who drink normally....it would be a shame for you to rule out someone really good and nice and kind just because you have it in your mind that all drinkers are alcoholics, right?

TakingCharge999

Yes, take the time to know the person... a lot of time...
And that advice is for me, really !!

Lilyflower

I think after my split from exabf, I went through the hyper vigilance of never wanting to go near anyone who drank.

I guess looking back, I painted everyone the same colour as exabf. Part of my recovery has been to not prejudge, I know the danger signs now, my red flags, I know I am able to say internally or out loud, I don't want to be with this person. My recovery has given me confidence to decide what I want in my life and actively seek that without fear I may end up with another A.

If I ever did, I KNOW I would spot it a hell of a lot sooner (possibly see warning signs on the first few dates), use my knowledge and my courage and get the hell away!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

escape artist

i know the danger signs too, so i keep trying to figure out why or How can i still be in such denial to not see that in the first place and move on? Like oh they are wonderful and they seem to be normal-then, maybe they have a problem? and then, what IS my tolerance for drinking? and how much of my time do i spend involved with ANOTHER alcoholic? Even when i say "i do not want to be in an alcohol centered relationship". All the time i'm thinking i am giving us space and time to get to know each other, for all i know they are drinking a gallon of rum! Then you see posts here where recovering A's tell us the truth of how they play us and make liars of us, and i feel like i have been duped by another really good alcoholic. wtf. maybe while i was working on recovery i was latched onto and despite all the warning signs i walked right into it KNOWINGLY! what is wrong with me?!

Lilyflower

:ghug3

Perhaps you just need more time hun to get yourself stronger on your recovery and of yourself.

If you really do not want an alcohol centred life, you won't have one.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MissFixit

Not to be nosey, but where are you meeting people that you question their drinking? Bars? (I really don't mean to be flip).

Do you go to church, yoga, the gym, spend time with respectable friends with "other" friends, professional settings???

escape artist

good point. here's the funny thing about it, i thought i did finally get in with a "good" group of women, they were professional-successful-and i enjoyed their company. they invited me to join their league (bowling). i thought it would be good for me to join a bunch of women and possibly make some new friends, it turns out that they are just as big an alcoholic as anyone else!!!!that's what i mean, I can't Gauge whether they are alcoholics or not until time goes on and i see the patterns emerge.....i met my last bf at an al-anon meeting. it is a very small town where i live, and we don't have much to offer here. the college seems to be the only thing going on- and that's like a whole dif social structure in itself. my whole life i have had aversions to going to bars, but it seemed that it didn't matter where i was, everyone's life needed to end up at a bar. when i played racquetball at the gym, thought i found a good friend to play, she ends up wanting to go to the bar more often than not after playing! The church i attend, virtually has no one my age (49) who i can relate to except for an alcoholic and her codie husband.. wtf