bookwyrm

I'm not sure if this is codie behaviour or not, so would like to hear if anyone else has been through this here. Maybe it is just peculiar to me!

One of the most difficult things I'm learning to do is to remember that the actions of others don't detract from me.

Let me give an example. A friend at work went out for lunch with another friend at work. I wasn't invited.

Before finding recovery, this would normally have sent me in a tailspin. Why wasn't I included! Am I not good enough to be there? I'm supposed to be their friend! Maybe I'm not any more. Maybe they don't like me. etc, etc.

Now I realise that my friends can have other friends and spend time with them doing things without me, it doesn't make them any less of a friend to me or me any less of a friend to them. I realise I don't have any control over my friends' actions, just like my AH's. I don't need them to need me all the time.

When I was a child, I always wanted a best friend that I would do everything with, we would be inseparable. This never happened, of course! Does this mean I was a codie from birth?!

Is this codie behaviour?

Barbara52

I think that is more just general kid behavior.

I too have found that dealing with my codie behaviors have improved all my relationships. I can now recognize when I start leaning over into behaviors, thoughts and feelings that spring from my codie issues and nip them in the bud. And I treat people as the adults they are without wanting to control them. It's helped a great deal with my sons especially.

JenT1968

I do this, I have been working on it with my therapist just this morning, and I go to her for a broad range of personality quirks, one of which is social phobia, and that is where this sort of behaviour sits for me (not that the labels mean much), I don't know if its a co-dependent trait or an SP trait but I know that its exhausting and unhelpful.

The rest of the stuff just sounds like kids stuff, I don't think you were "born" codependent, I think we were all born dependent (which is how it should be) and had our journey to full independence hampered along the way. We're trying to put that right now. I have discussed with my therapist that alot of the behaviours I find most limiting and least helpful now are those that I learned in childhood and have hung around past their sell-by date.

You should be dead proud that you were able to recognise that this sort of thing isn't about you. ALthough I get that on an intellectual level, I'm not there emotionally yet. Can't wait til I am, sounds a lot more peaceful.

bookwyrm

I had never heard of social phobia before. I just googled it and I recognise a lot of myself there! Thank you.

Bernadette

Now I realise that my friends can have other friends and spend time with them doing things without me, it doesn't make them any less of a friend to me or me any less of a friend to them. I realise I don't have any control over my friends' actions, just like my AH's. I don't need them to need me all the time.

Good work!
peace-
B

Lilyflower

I have a book called Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller (Paperback - Dec 13, 1989). The book says pretty much exactly what Ceridwen has shared here.

It is a great book actually, I would recommend it for anyone who is struggling to get/pay for a therapist as it follows that line and takes you right back to childhood and learnt behavious/family of origin etc etc.

I too think it is a sign of your recovery you did not take your friends actions as personal, it is so engrained (sp??) on my psyche despite all my recovery work, there is still imprints on my brain to react unhealthily to this type of thing.

Last night I spoke to my friend I have known for about 2 yrs; who told me that she had been thinking recently about me and how much she had thought of me over the hols. She wanted to tell me that she considered me her best friend. I don't think I've ever been anyone's best friend. I too was a child longing for that connection. I used to wish I had a twin because she'd be just like me and we would always love each other and get along.

Anyway it felt really good and perked me up, I went off to bed that night feeling really happy. Done wonders for my self esteem, but then isn't that codependent? - basing my opinion of self on others value of me??

Still, feels good though !

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GiveLove

bookwyrm, I'm so glad you're here You're growing so much....

i used to take things like that personally too -- for me I think it was a function of my self-esteem issues. I wanted so badly to be liked, or at least be respected, that I was willing to put myself through some pretty hurtful hoops.

Codie? Maybe, or maybe not, but the result was the same, and the treatment was the same: learn about myself through and through, and chart a different course to the person I really wanted to be. Sounds like you're doing just that.