racaple78

Alright, so I am in a pickle. My AH has spent the last four months in Texas after I left him, and I have already filed for divorce. This has caused a tremendous amount of hurt on both sides; I have missed him terribly and he admitted that he's been through hell as well. We have two small children. Well, he recently got arrested w/ drugs (including heroin), and was in jail for three weeks, and may be going back to prison after his court date. Well......we've been talking on the phone again. He says he still loves me, and I say it back to him....b/c I do.
Well, I told him I wanted to see him. (Its been 4 months). I know that this whole time all I had to say was for him to do it, and he'd be here. So, now I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm not trying to mislead or anything like that. I love my AH, except for his obvious drug problem, and I have a feeling that if we see each other again, it may or may not ignite some feelings there.
I should be mad at him, and I have been for quite some time....but the anger is worn off after time and now I just miss him and really do want to see him. Am I doing the wrong thing? I know I should just move forward with my life, and I've been trying to do that, but I still think about him every day. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him, and its terrible b/c he's put me through some wonderful moments and terrible times as well.
What do I DO?!?!?!

BayAreaPhoenix

I think when we get away from the situation it's hard to remember what it was REALLY like living with it, day to day. You do know, you do remember - but it's not the same. Somehow, the denial creeps in and "how bad it really was" tends to get a bit fuzzy around the edges.

With two small children, recent arrest and possible prison time, and obviously he's still actively using....

(((hugs)))

laurie6781

First, write a Time Line of the downward progression of the marriage and how the marriage was affected by his drug use.

Putting it in black and white, gives one a MUCH BETTER perspective. You not only have to make decisions for yourself right now, but for those two small children.

Do you really want them growing up around a practicing drug addict?

His words are really just QUACKING and a manipulation move to get you back so his 'life won't be so hard.'

He obviously is not yet ready for recovery.

I will say to you what I have said to others, first your children now come before him, and even though they are small, they can FEEL the tension between you. They do not need that in their young lives.

Second, IF and it's a big IF you and your AH are supposed to be together, then somewhere down the road AFTER he has found recovery and is living a sober and clean life and shows it by his actions, you will meet back up and be together, if not, you won't.

Unfortunately, we cannot make the decision for you, however, to help you make a good decision for YOU and your children, please try some AlAnon and/or NarAnon meetings. I always suggest AlAnon, because in any given area, there are usually many more AlAnon Meetings than NarAnon meetings at varous times of the days and/or evening.

Please, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

Minimally, double up on birth control.

There are no such things as accidents.

jan123

I did what you are wanting to do after eight months, and I was so excited about seeing him again. I loved him so much, and thought about him everyday. It took about two hours after hearing the lies and the you know what, to see that nothing had changed. He did nothing for me to see that anything had changed. You don't listen to what they say, because they will say anything to benefit themselves, you watch what they do.

littlebird77

Lately I've been thinking to myself that I must have a case of Alzheimer's because I too forget the bad times so quickly. Not even joking, it kind of scares me at times how much and how quickly I forget things. I think its our minds protecting us from repeating the events over and over again because it was that traumatic.

incitingsilence

Why should you be mad at him…think about it…

And one thing I know for fact, although hard for many to see, is that just leaving, staying, divorcing or not no matter what the reason in the moment will not make anything make any more sense…

To truly know what you want, and need from this life, is to work on you, just you…so that you are acting, reacting, feeling, living how you want to, not based on anyone’s choices, or based on what anyone says you should do or shouldn't.
When we are healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually this all looks so much different, and there is no confusion, no what if‘s running, no choice, no situation becomes hundreds of questions we ask over and over to try to find what is the right thing to do…we just know what the right thing to do for us is and maybe more important with children involved for them…

Take good care of you…

jan123

I told a friend the other day....."if I can't make it with a crack addict,then who can I make it with"? She said.............ANYBODY!

timetogo

I can relate to what you are talking about recaple -- I miss "all that I perceive to have" as well, in a matter of "days" let alone 4 mos.

I think I too have a case of alzheimers (like littlebird). I forget so quickly! I have been keeping a 'log' of 'incidences' for two years now -- and read it quite regularly. I still have a hard time remembering the pain that it causes. I think that's because I don't know how to feel anymore. I want to learn how to have those feelings and remember to "play the tape all the way through to the end".

I have lived this way for sooooooo long. But no more -- bring it on -- awful feelings and all! I'm tired of being a convenience and being quacked to all the time. Nothing changes if nothing changes