AH's mom diagnosed terminally ill...
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
AH's mom diagnosed terminally ill...
I moved out back in November and filed for divorce shortly thereafter. I have not decided for sure whether to proceed to finalize the divorce, however AH has not given me even a tiny glimpse of hope that he is going to change his heart, his attitudes, his values.
He called me today to let me know his mom is in the hospital and was just diagnosed with lung and liver cancer with no hope of recovery because of other health issues. He is looking for me to support him, to comfort him. But clearly I cannot. He's messed me up so bad, I'm still trying to figure out how to recover myself while being separated from him.
On top of that, I called my mom to let her know about his mom (since I knew she would want to know) and her only question for me was, "So are you gonna get in there and support him through this, Girl?" I think she was trying to sound upbeat. But it nearly made me sick. I politely replied, "No, I'm leaving that up to God." The conversation ended shortly thereafter. My mom is against my divorce and sides with my AH, and the codie in me agrees with her.
I just feel so twisted up inside and sick. I'm SO sad about his mom. I'm sad for him. This will be a huge loss for him, for his whole family. And I'm sorry for that. But I cannot comfort or support him right now. He is still very verbally abusive and controlling toward me anytime we converse. I want to cry that I am losing my mom-in-law and cannot even visit her on her deathbed (she is not happy with the divorce filing). I want to cry for my AH, because I know he is hurting so much. I want to cry for everything that is going on because I CANNOT CONTROL IT OR FIX IT.
I'm overwhelmed and am not sure what to do, if anything.
He called me today to let me know his mom is in the hospital and was just diagnosed with lung and liver cancer with no hope of recovery because of other health issues. He is looking for me to support him, to comfort him. But clearly I cannot. He's messed me up so bad, I'm still trying to figure out how to recover myself while being separated from him.
On top of that, I called my mom to let her know about his mom (since I knew she would want to know) and her only question for me was, "So are you gonna get in there and support him through this, Girl?" I think she was trying to sound upbeat. But it nearly made me sick. I politely replied, "No, I'm leaving that up to God." The conversation ended shortly thereafter. My mom is against my divorce and sides with my AH, and the codie in me agrees with her.
I just feel so twisted up inside and sick. I'm SO sad about his mom. I'm sad for him. This will be a huge loss for him, for his whole family. And I'm sorry for that. But I cannot comfort or support him right now. He is still very verbally abusive and controlling toward me anytime we converse. I want to cry that I am losing my mom-in-law and cannot even visit her on her deathbed (she is not happy with the divorce filing). I want to cry for my AH, because I know he is hurting so much. I want to cry for everything that is going on because I CANNOT CONTROL IT OR FIX IT.
I'm overwhelmed and am not sure what to do, if anything.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
So why don't you cry for you? Let it out and just cry. ( It always made me feel better)
I also do not think your Mom-in-law will be angry if you visit, or perhaps there is another in-law you can speak with about your feelings, maybe they can set up a time you can visit whe your husband is not around.
Good Luck
Kermmie
I also do not think your Mom-in-law will be angry if you visit, or perhaps there is another in-law you can speak with about your feelings, maybe they can set up a time you can visit whe your husband is not around.
Good Luck
Kermmie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Just take some time to breath, JustMe. Nothing you can do - or not do - in this very moment is going to change your AH's mom's situation.
I'll tell you a story from my own life (being what we're so good at our here on SR...)
When I finally split from XABF - a person with whom I had an intensely intimate "soul-mate" connection for a long time - it was possibly the most hellish thing I could imagine. On top of all of the codie pain of leaving at all, he turned into a psycho-stalker type, and made my life really miserable (the details of that are not important at this point...just know that it was really, really dreadful)
A year after I finally went no-contact with him, I got a phone call the caller ID said was "Unknown Caller". Expecting a call from a client, I took it, and the first words out of his mouth were "This is (XABF), please don't hang up." For some reason I didn't, and stayed on the line long enough to hear him say that his mom had committed suicide, and that he didn't have anyone else to turn to.
Now, in a perfect SR scenario, I would've analyzed this, realized none of it was my problem (especially his lack of a support system), said "I'm sorry" and hung up quickly. But for some reason I didn't. I stayed on the phone and we talked about his mom, who I had known well. She had suffered much in her lifetime, from manic-depression, CFS, and addiction. We talked about how suicide makes you feel, how much good she'd done in the world despite all her problems, and went over some next steps like grief counseling, support groups, and self-care that he might consider to get through it all. I was on the phone with him for nearly two hours.
When I hung up, I still had no desire to have contact with him, and reiterated that. But I didn't feel like I'd taken steps backward: I felt like I'd taken steps FORWARD because I had learned how to be supportive:
--of someone whose addiction had harmed me
--of someone whose choices I disagreed with
--without having any desire to go further with it, reengage, get back together, or "fix" it moving forward
It felt...strong.
So consider this: There ABSOLUTELY IS a way for you to be supportive without re-engaging in the marriage, getting back together, or compromising your mental health. Unless you're no-contact (are you?) if YOU FEEL you are strong enough inside, you can be there for him for phone calls, advice, or whatever. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO MOVE BACK IN, go back to the codependent behaviors, etc. It just means that you will carefully evaluate any requests for help he makes, and see if you can handle it without bringing the chaos back to your life.
This may or may not be the kind of "support" your husband has in mind. Maybe he will use this as a lever to get you to change your choices, and it's your job to not allow that. Stay in your comfort zone.
I had to follow my conscience and decide whether I was able to offer emotional support, what kind, and where my boundary was, beyond which I would not go. If he had asked me to get together for coffee, for example, I would have had to refuse, because that would interfere with my recovery.
For now: breathe. If you have feelings for his mom, let yourself feel them. Know that you cannot change her circumstances - regardless of this new revelation, you STILL only have control over your own life.
Take care of yourself.
I'll tell you a story from my own life (being what we're so good at our here on SR...)
When I finally split from XABF - a person with whom I had an intensely intimate "soul-mate" connection for a long time - it was possibly the most hellish thing I could imagine. On top of all of the codie pain of leaving at all, he turned into a psycho-stalker type, and made my life really miserable (the details of that are not important at this point...just know that it was really, really dreadful)
A year after I finally went no-contact with him, I got a phone call the caller ID said was "Unknown Caller". Expecting a call from a client, I took it, and the first words out of his mouth were "This is (XABF), please don't hang up." For some reason I didn't, and stayed on the line long enough to hear him say that his mom had committed suicide, and that he didn't have anyone else to turn to.
Now, in a perfect SR scenario, I would've analyzed this, realized none of it was my problem (especially his lack of a support system), said "I'm sorry" and hung up quickly. But for some reason I didn't. I stayed on the phone and we talked about his mom, who I had known well. She had suffered much in her lifetime, from manic-depression, CFS, and addiction. We talked about how suicide makes you feel, how much good she'd done in the world despite all her problems, and went over some next steps like grief counseling, support groups, and self-care that he might consider to get through it all. I was on the phone with him for nearly two hours.
When I hung up, I still had no desire to have contact with him, and reiterated that. But I didn't feel like I'd taken steps backward: I felt like I'd taken steps FORWARD because I had learned how to be supportive:
--of someone whose addiction had harmed me
--of someone whose choices I disagreed with
--without having any desire to go further with it, reengage, get back together, or "fix" it moving forward
It felt...strong.
So consider this: There ABSOLUTELY IS a way for you to be supportive without re-engaging in the marriage, getting back together, or compromising your mental health. Unless you're no-contact (are you?) if YOU FEEL you are strong enough inside, you can be there for him for phone calls, advice, or whatever. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO MOVE BACK IN, go back to the codependent behaviors, etc. It just means that you will carefully evaluate any requests for help he makes, and see if you can handle it without bringing the chaos back to your life.
This may or may not be the kind of "support" your husband has in mind. Maybe he will use this as a lever to get you to change your choices, and it's your job to not allow that. Stay in your comfort zone.
I had to follow my conscience and decide whether I was able to offer emotional support, what kind, and where my boundary was, beyond which I would not go. If he had asked me to get together for coffee, for example, I would have had to refuse, because that would interfere with my recovery.
For now: breathe. If you have feelings for his mom, let yourself feel them. Know that you cannot change her circumstances - regardless of this new revelation, you STILL only have control over your own life.
Take care of yourself.
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Thank you all for your support.
I had sent my MIL a bouquet of flowers with a note letting her know that I love and miss her and am thinking and praying for her every day.
GL - RAH & I are not in a place where we can communicate/support in a healthy manner. He's called me to give me updates on her condition and everything, which takes about 60 seconds, then he launches into an abusive tirade of how much I'm hurting him and the family because I've separated from him and how this is going to be an incredible loss for him and how insensitive and selfish of me it is to not be there (in our house as his wife) to support him through this. Since his mom was diagnosed 3 days ago, he and I have had 4 marathon conversations (one over lunch at a sub shop and 3 on the phone), every one of which he was the "victim" and I was the one causing the problems (by separating myself from him and not taking care of him by "being a good wife", etc.).
So now I'm sad and very exhausted. They administered her first chemo treatment last night via IV. First he said, "I'm going to respect your boundaries starting now and I will not call you again for any reason." I let him know that I still wanted to get updates on his mom's condition, but that they be sent to me in an email rather than a phone call. He tried to refuse and I insisted that I wanted to know her status but every time he called we'd have a huge personal argument. After the third time of me pleading him to just send me email status updates, he finally consented. So *hopefully* he will not call again, and I know not to answer because he said he'd send me email updates on her... *sigh*
I had sent my MIL a bouquet of flowers with a note letting her know that I love and miss her and am thinking and praying for her every day.
GL - RAH & I are not in a place where we can communicate/support in a healthy manner. He's called me to give me updates on her condition and everything, which takes about 60 seconds, then he launches into an abusive tirade of how much I'm hurting him and the family because I've separated from him and how this is going to be an incredible loss for him and how insensitive and selfish of me it is to not be there (in our house as his wife) to support him through this. Since his mom was diagnosed 3 days ago, he and I have had 4 marathon conversations (one over lunch at a sub shop and 3 on the phone), every one of which he was the "victim" and I was the one causing the problems (by separating myself from him and not taking care of him by "being a good wife", etc.).
So now I'm sad and very exhausted. They administered her first chemo treatment last night via IV. First he said, "I'm going to respect your boundaries starting now and I will not call you again for any reason." I let him know that I still wanted to get updates on his mom's condition, but that they be sent to me in an email rather than a phone call. He tried to refuse and I insisted that I wanted to know her status but every time he called we'd have a huge personal argument. After the third time of me pleading him to just send me email status updates, he finally consented. So *hopefully* he will not call again, and I know not to answer because he said he'd send me email updates on her... *sigh*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Just me- can you get updates from someone else? Is your MIL married? If so, you could get them from her husband. I would try not to depend on your AH to give you what you need at this time.
I have struggled with similar feelings too. I love STBXAH's mom and her husband, but they are obviously taking what STBXAH says as gospel- which paints me pretty unfavorably. I am trying to have a neutral relationship with them especially for the sake of dd. So, in order to do that, I go directly to them. I call them, I email them- just to keep in touch. I try not to talk about STBXAH at all. It's about MY relationship with Them. I don't think you need to go through your AH in order to have a relationship with her.
(((Take care)))
I have struggled with similar feelings too. I love STBXAH's mom and her husband, but they are obviously taking what STBXAH says as gospel- which paints me pretty unfavorably. I am trying to have a neutral relationship with them especially for the sake of dd. So, in order to do that, I go directly to them. I call them, I email them- just to keep in touch. I try not to talk about STBXAH at all. It's about MY relationship with Them. I don't think you need to go through your AH in order to have a relationship with her.
(((Take care)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Good plan, JustMe. Way to protect your sanity!!!!!
Pajarito's idea is a good one too: is there any OTHER way you can get updates on her status? I know that I often phoned the hospice where my mother-in-law was staying, and they were very kind about letting me know how she was. Much safer than having to deal with mr. everythings-your-fault there....
:ghug3
Pajarito's idea is a good one too: is there any OTHER way you can get updates on her status? I know that I often phoned the hospice where my mother-in-law was staying, and they were very kind about letting me know how she was. Much safer than having to deal with mr. everythings-your-fault there....
:ghug3
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
I don't know that I can even do that. When I confirmed with RAH that she did receive the bouquet I sent her, he let me know that I should not visit the hospital or my in-laws home, since it would be awkward and he is pretty sure that I would not be welcome there... I asked him why, and his only response was "I've only told them the truth"... although if THAT were the case, HE'D be the one who wasn't welcome and would make things awkward 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I wouldn't listen to him. I would do what you want to do without going through him. You can call them or go there and see what is going on for yourself. If they don't welcome you, you'll have to accept that. If they choose to listen to him and don't choose to continue their relationship with you, you'll have to accept that- as hard as it may be. In my case, I am officially off the team as far as STBXAH's family is concerned- after 18 years. I do keep in touch with my MIL, but she is mad at me. Oh well- I must do what I feel is right, and if she decides to take STBXAH's word as gospel, there is nothing I can do about it. I can only be true to myself and try to have the best relationship with her that I can. I'm not going to compromise my values or my needs though- and I definitely don't consult with STBXAH when I want to get in touch with my MIL- I just do it. You can too.
If she choses to be mad at you, she's lost a very kind friend/DIL- IMHO. Maybe one day she'll realize that- maybe not. Either way, you have only what is in your control- you.
If she choses to be mad at you, she's lost a very kind friend/DIL- IMHO. Maybe one day she'll realize that- maybe not. Either way, you have only what is in your control- you.
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