sodetermined

a lot lately. I know that I can't act on my emotions, I am still determined to keep the no contact. But I am sad, missing our friendship, missing the "good stuff".

Last Saturday night I went out and had drinks with some great people, it had been so long since I had been out, and it felt really good to be out and not feel on edge, or have anything dramatic happen. But Sunday morning, my family said he stopped out with his son on the snowmobile. He had been drinking, and drank quite a few more during the visit with my family. (yep and he had his little son on the snowmobile with him). I guess he was trying very hard to get my mom to allow him to take my son for a ride (she didn't give in). Then he said to my son "Your mom probably isn't coming back tonight, is she?". Ryan told him no, and I guess he just shook his head.

So anyway, I don't know if this is what triggered me missing him, because for just a real quick split second I was feeding off of this visit, thinking that he does miss me, and maybe he finally realized how much he misses me. Then I realized it doesn't matter if he does miss me, I can't act on it.

But I'm hurt, saddened. I wish I could just have a nice conversation with him and tell him how much I love him, and care for him. I know that I can't, not right now.

lovtolaff

I feel ya. And yeah he probably does "miss you" but does that change anything? I wonder sometimes too if my x misses me - I'm sure he has his moments - just like I do. But like you said - I CAN'T ACT ON IT. Actually, I can't and WON'T. There is no point. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I just want you to know that I know what you are feeling - I truly do. I'm 7months out and I still miss mine sometimes. And actually, I get mad at myself when I do!! I don't WANT to miss him.

Hang in there and you are doing the right thing. Remember to play the tape all the way through......

Freedom1990

How lovely that he stopped by your folks' house (said in a sarcastic tone).

Just another way to try sucking you back in.

It's a shame that your son had to see him at all.

I still remember when Ryan said he didn't want you to ever have a boyfriend again.

That has got to screw with Ryan's head when Chris stops by like that.

sodetermined

I thought so, too.

Well, based on my past behavior, I am sure that he thought his visit would trigger some sort of a phone call from me. It triggered thoughts of a phone call, but (thanks, lovtolaff), I am playing the tape all the way this time. Nothing has changed, and I have to keep moving forward.

Yes, and he STILL feels this way. The other day, at our daily morning trip to the local shell mart, I saw a friend of mine (male, who is married and has beautiful twin girls...he does my income taxes)...anyway my friend said hello, asked how I was, and if I wanted him to do my taxes this year. It was a very quick conversation, he was sitting in his truck. We get in the car and Ryan said "Who was that, mom?" (in an angry tone), and I told him he was just a good friend, and that he is married, and that it really is ok for me to have friends who are boys/guys. He said "Well, I'm just telling you, I don't want a step dad, ever, I have a Dad (who is in heaven), and every guy you pick is mean". Now, my codie self feels I need to defend myself here, but there has only been Chris, and my ex before that (we were together for 3 years) around Ryan, but yes they were both what a child would consider "mean". Anyway, I think that his visit affected Ryan a little, he really wanted to go for the ride, but he doesn't seem to be greatly affected by seeing Chris.

I am in no hurry to meet anyone right now. I still have lots of work to do on me. Little by little, I am starting to enjoy my life, with just Ryan and I. I like the fact that I can make plans for the weekend without worrying about something messing it up.

I would love to take Ryan to see "Hotel for Dogs", maybe next weekend. Have you seen this one yet DeVon? It looks GOOD!

Thanks for the support! :ghug

GiveLove

Is there anything you can do to prevent this in the future, sodetermined?
You do not need this, and Ryan doesn't either.
Think about how you'd feel if this was someone you didn't like, just stopping by and doing/saying things that mess with your kid's head, trying to entice them to go get themselves killed on a snowmobile. You'd DO something about that, wouldn't you? Like say, "Stay the hell away from my kid."

sodetermined

GL,

When Chris and I first broke up, he made a stop out to my parents house also. First I will say that my dad and Chris are A LOT alike (imagine that), my dad and Chris were friends before we started dating, they were/are "drinking buddies". So it is not unusual for him to be out there.

So anyway, when we first broke up, he stopped out there, and was making promises to Ryan about taking him for a ride on the snowmobile. I called Chris that very night, and told him he is not to be around Ryan (I told him I'm tired of him making all these promises to him, and hurting him). So I reminded him what time Ryan is there every day (he goes there after school), and told him it's none of my concern if him and my dad want to be buddies when my son is not there. I also reminded my parents Ryan is NOT to go with Chris on the snowmobile, at ALL, drunk or sober. Ryan was there on Saturday night because I was out with friends, so it was an usual situation. Apparently when he first got there, Ryan was half asleep and covered up with blanket, and Chris didn't even see him there at first.

I just don't want to make a phone call to Chris right now, so I am just assuming that he didn't know Ryan would be there, and if it happens again then I can address it.

P.S. My mom did say that it got a little "heated" between her and Chris, because when she said Ryan couldn't go without my permission, he wouldn't take "no" for an answer. He was drinking, so that's no big surprise. I also thought not only was it totally inappropriate for him to be drinking period on the snowmobile, but let alone with his little boy, but also it was pretty late for him to have his own son on the snowmobile, I mean it was 11:30 at night when he got there! And it was COLD!

TakingCharge999

sodetermined
I miss him too. Well, not yours, because I do not know him lol.
I miss him now and I miss many other people...

What gets me going is the thought that I will see him again (in heaven lol).

I will gather there with everyone that has been important, and we will all laugh and forgive each other for everything and love each other. I imagine him saying to me "it was tough hurting you but you made an excellent job taking care of yourself".

Of course thats some spiritual stuff you may or may not believe so..

I will just say I am there with you!
I am glad you and your son are out of danger now. I agree that you have to act if this happens again.

Lilyflower

Sodetermined, for me, when I missed my ex and the 'good times' I was actually painting over all the bad things and creating a false memory of him. Besides that I realised that thinking of the goodness of him was not reality - it was a fantasy.

Life with my ex had no good times, at least not for the last year I was with him, and wishing/thinking of those times was like performing a mental brainwash on myself.

I had to stay connected with reality, and reality was his present behaviour.

What is Chris' present behaviour saying to you? Is that a guy you wanna be with?

Someone who was drinving around drunk on a snowmobile, with a young child, at night, in the dead of winter is not in my book a responsible thoughtful adult who is conscious of their own health and safety and that of a child. That is not a person I would daydream about and pine away for.

You say you cannnot act on these emotions - I read that you are saying you cannot give in to them. you can by all means act on them, you can think it through, ask yourself what is it within YOU that is making these feelings arise - lonliness, self esteem issues etc etc and then heal that, which will lead to those feelings becoming less of an obstacle to you.

The best thing I ever did was stop fighting against myself and actually understand and work on where my unpleasant emotions came from in the first place. Feel them and work through them, and you will heal them.

Strength to you...

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bernadette

from Lily:Sodetermined, for me, when I missed my ex and the 'good times' I was actually painting over all the bad things and creating a false memory of him. Besides that I realised that thinking of the goodness of him was not reality - it was a fantasy.

Ditto that!

Sodetermined-- it sounds like you had fun last weekend getting out and about and being social!!

I suggest you do more of THAT!

Keep busy - keep doing things that make you feel good.

You're just not out of the woods yet- but remember the path is right there straight in front of you, Stay on the right path!!!!!!!!!!!!
:ghug3

peace-
b

P.S. Major thanks to Mom for keeping Ryan off the drunk snowmobile. I don't care how charming, handsome, rich, cool, or even KIND this person is: bottom line he is DANGEROUS and IN TOTAL DENIAL. You join in those mind games at YOUR peril. Seriously.

Freedom1990

Is Ryan in counseling anymore? I know you had him going at one time. He's got to have all kinds of anger and frustration still unresolved, even though Chris is out of the house. Again, I urge you to think how difficult all this is for you, processing feelings, and then consider it from a child's point of view. They need help processing the emotional aftermath too of having an alcoholic in the home.

We haven't seen that movie yet, but will when it gets to our little theater here! Amber and I are going to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Saturday.

sodetermined

Oooh, Brad Pitt, I would like to see that one, too.

Thanks everyone, for "having my back", and putting my emotions in "check for me". It is the fantasy of Chris that I miss, definitely. I feel like I am in a better place today, I went to Church on Wednesday night, did some reading here, and worked out last night.

Oh, and yes, Ryan is still in counseling. He is seeing one through his school now. I do agree he has some unresolved anger, and other emotions. But I will admit, it's like a totally different child with Chris being gone. It was always such a battle with Chris there, because understandably, Ryan had no respect for him, so I was always right in the middle. When he was first seeing the new counselor, he said he didn't like her and wanted to go back to the old one, but he hasn't mentioned that lately, so hopefully, things are going ok with them.

Last night, Ryan was laying on the floor in front of the tv watching a movie that just came out that I rented (Egor, I think?), anyway, I was working out and he looked up at me and said "I love you mom"....he does this quite a bit, out of the blue........makes me feel so proud and so good. I love how calm the house is now, I love how much he smiles. I love how he is not retreating to his room to avoid the tension. I remember when I was little, my mom and dad would have an argument and my mom would promise my brother and I that she was going to leave, and rent us an apartment. I remember fantasizing how great that would be, how much happier the three of us would be together, without all the fighting/drama/pain. A normal life. She never followed through and left. The thing is that my dad would always come to me, when my mom was strong (even when I was in junior high), and cry and tell me how sorry he was, and that I needed to talk mom into not leaving. He always made me feel sorry for him. Anyway, I have gotten way off track....I think I was having a moment. So last night, I thought to myself, I'm pretty proud of myself for having the strength to stick to my boundaries, because now Ryan can have what I always wanted to have...a peaceful, happy home where a kid can be a kid!

:ghug love you guys!

sodetermined

I never thought of it this way, but you know what, you are right. I can act on them, just act on them differently.

Lilyflower

Sodetermined you are right on track!!

This is how you will process things and heal that inner pain. Connecting my behaviour with my childhood was a huge boost to my recovery. Do you see a resemblance in your adult life compared to what happened around you in your youth? - your mum saying she would leave, but not; your dad handing you the responsibility of holding the family together when it was never your responsibility or issue to resolve?

Following through on these family of origin issues and the taught messages I learnt from this type of situation in my own childhood brought about realisations connected to how I was choosing to live my life as an adult. Once I understood why I acted that way and that it came from pain and hurt long long ago, I could heal it and make healthier choices for me and my daughter based on a happy adult; and not an injured inner child.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sodetermined

Well I found myself behaving like my mom...but I will be honest, I have never looked at it like that...my dad handing me the responsibility of holding the family together...so this is pretty key....this is where my need for control comes in, as well as other codependency issues with Chris.

This is def. some deep stuff.

Lilyflower

((((((Sodetermined))))))

Hugs n love to you, as an adult, you now have the strength and reasoning to revisit some of the things that happened and ask, 'should a child have dealt with that?' The purpose being not to lay blame at parents feet or to pass responsibility for current problems faced now onto someone else, but to realise and to comfort those hurts that we faced and learnt unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with.

It is sometimes painful, but going through my childhood through the eyes of the adult I now am, especially with the knowledge of parenthood and my own relationship with my daughter; has brought so much healing strength and resolve to go forward in my life. Not just thinking I will be alright but actually knowing I will because I have come to an understanding of myself and my behaviours I have never had in my life before. I know now I have choices, and can see them. I can break the pattern with Jennie my little girl and create the future I want for myself.

Blessings, love, serenity and strength to you...

Take this path of discovery joyfully

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx