jehnifer

my husband hasnt drank in 7 yrs but hes depressed "lost" "empty" and/or angry a lot of the time...and he turns it toward me. my sponsor says its not me its him and i need to go about living my life and finding happiness. but i feel so guilty and also angry that hes being this way. he reminds me of an angry teenager acting out. refusing to participate in family, muttering under his breath, basically just checking out, and being very moody. I am walking on egg shells but that i know is something in can choose not to do. I dont want to grovel and keep saying Whats wrong?, anything I can do? Because he turns against me...but I also feel really weird just going about my own life.

i needed to vent. i just want to avoid him and his anger...

Barbara52

You have the choice to remove yourself from such abuse. Are there ways you can do that?

Sometimes detaching just isn't enough. I mean, why live with someone who treats you like crap and refuses to change? There is a point where self preservation tells one that a relationship is not worth the pain involved.

Has he given any indication he is working on his recovery? Stopping drinking does not mean sober, especially if the negative behviors continue.

Also, sometime a spouse is just a jerk even if they are sober.

Rella927

Your sponsor gave you excellent advice-

Sorry that you are going through this right now

And I agree with above-Just because they are not drinking does not mean the
behavior has or will change! I know with my brother although I love him dearly he is the
same when he is drinking as he is when he is not! He can be very hurtful with his words.

Try to stay focused on yourself and your own recovery-If you feel your at the point where you cannot live this way any longer then you have choices that you may need to make. Make the choices for YOU not for HIM!

Hang in there and be gentle with yourself!

passing by

This is really scary for me. My AH is only a month sober and he is sad and depressed and I keep thinking he will come out of it soon. I really don't plan on staying here but to think this could last for years is so scary. I hope you make the right choice for you!

jehnifer

barbara - thanks for saying all this. He acts like a jerk toward me I think because he's not feeling good inside. Is that reason enough to remove myself? Can I face another failed marriage? (boy would I feel stupid!!)

And No on the recovery question, my gentle suggestion that he might consider giving his sponsor a call was met with an eye roll. I am scared because my feelings toward him may be changing. I mean I love him, but I have so much fear (about his moods and attitudes on a day to day basis) - don't know what I'm gonna get when i get home from work. SOme days are OK others he's in that mood. It is quite exhausting! And then I get mad at myself for spending WAY too much time thinking about him. Tells me I am the one who needs recovery! But i go to alalnon a lot and talk to my sponsor - so I am trying. Thinking of our relationship right now makes my stomach knot up and kinda nauseous.

thanks for listening. I feel so stupid right now.

lovtolaff

I wasn't very good at "detaching". My "detachment" came down to kicking him out and going on with my life. I didn't want to live with someone that was pissed off all the time and made me feel guilty or weird for being happy. Mind you, my x hadn't quit drinking so that was a problem also. But I just couldn't see myself living with such depression and turmoil for very much longer. And I was quite stubborn about "detaching" from someone in my OWN home.

In my eyes - if you are in a relationship together for the long haul - there should be no reason to detach from it. You either are in this together or not. I chose NOT. I deserve to be happy and if that meant being alone - than to me, it was better than trying to "pacify" someone out of their hateful moods and bad outlook on life.

You aren't alone and there are others that I'm sure will be more helpful with the "detaching" stuff. If that is what you chose to do.

Peace be with you.

Freedom1990

Regardless of why he's acting the way he is, is this the kind of marriage that you want?

I've been divorced twice. I don't consider myself stupid at all because I learned from that eventually.

I am not defined by how many divorces I've been through or who I'm with/not with.

I am defined by the recovery I work in my life today-by the healthy choices I make in my life, by my attitude and outlook on life.

Today I am worth more than I was ever willing to settle for in past marriages/relationships.

Today I am not willing to sell myself short.

:ghug :ghug

escape artist

maybe you could suggest he see a therapist or a doctor to make sure there is no underlying physical cause of his problem or mental problem which his alcoholism was masking.

Freedom1990

Just checking in today to see how you are doing and sending you a hug! :ghug

jehnifer

Thanks Freedom for checking in on me! We have not spoken much at all this week. But I was feeling warm (rather than angry and resentful!) this morning and decided to reach out and send him an email saying that as much as I would like to fix things for him I know it's not my place, and that I am confident he will work through things. And that I loved him and want for him to be happy.

I just felt I wanted that message to get through to him today given that we have an entire weekend ahead of us! well, my insides still churn because I cannot totally forget how he's been bahaving, and the likelihood that it will rear its ugly head again looms large; and I'm scared not knowing when it will happen or what it will be about next time! But like my sponsor keeps trying to get me to see is "It's his problem." I gotta take care of myself and live and be happy. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!