MissFixit

Okay, I have NO desire to date anyone right now. Friends and family keep asking me why don't I go out with so and so. "You need to move on and date."

I remind them that it has been 3 months since our break up if you could even call it that (he left a voicemail and hasn't spoken to me since), after 4 years of dating and 10 years of freindship. I am NOT ready to date.

They seem to think that something is wrong with me for not wanting to date right now. I am still mending...what is the push?

justtired

MissFixit - Take your time and move forward at your own pace. I'm in the process of deciding whether to stay or go in my current relationship with my abf and was talking to a friend of mine who does the whole online dating thing. I had always thought that would be fun (I have no clue why), so I told her that I'd take a look and find a guy for her. So I did. I went online and guess what... it totally made me sick to my stomach! Seriously I felt ill. Just the thought of being back out there and being back on the dating scene makes me want to run and hide. Your family and friends probably just want to see you happy and with someone who is nice and good to you. Don't let them rush you. YOU will know when it's time!

BeyondBSC

Tell your friends to back off and let you do it your way…there is no right, there is no wrong. We all greave and move on in our own way. My experience has been either recluse or convenient distraction from my reality…it has been three years, and I am now for the first time in a relationship with someone that I can relax with and trust. But I did have fun finding him.

Barbara52

It seems to me that for a whole lok of reasons there is a general societal push for everyone to be part of a couple, especially true for women I think. I also think that on some level those who are part of a couple, they see a single person as some bizarre sort of threat.

I ignore it all. If someone asks me why I'm not dating, I just tell them I don't want to. And I refuse to answer any other questions unless I think I want to clarify why. I usually don't.

peaceteach

I didn't trust myself to date when I first was divorced. I told people, "Oh, I don't date. But thanks." And usually they left me alone. Four years of that and a good friend from high school looked me up, someone I felt really safe and comfortable with.

Give yourself all the time you need. Your HP knows what's best for you. So does your "gut" instinct. Trust yourself and your HP.

TakingCharge999

Hi MissFixIt

Just wanted to tell you you are hardly alone. I am learning the only one who knows what I need is myself.

Trust yourself. The day you want to get out there, you will, you will enjoy it, and it will be for real, not a band-aid to avoid grief.

911shellbell

Believe me the online dating is no picnic been doing it for years...but i agreed with everything else you said in response...give time time...

Seren

I can't add anything to the great advice you have received here, but I wanted to send you good thoughts and wishes for your continued healing from the break-up.

:bounce

HG

rkymtncowboy

You have to trust your gut. Dating or even friends now days is a lot of work. You don't need more stress. You have to figure out how to meet people without drama in there lives and that is hard. I am finding that out I guess.

Bjen

It's been two years for me.. I still don't feel ready to date. Lots of reasons I guess. i enjoy being by myself, I enjoy no one expecting anything, getting mad at me, judging me,
being in my space, messing up my stuff, eating my food. Ha Ha Ha.

I'm comfortable I guess. I think when the right time comes I'll know. Until then, I'm fine by myself. And actually, the more people I meet, the more I find more people like me. People are evolving to realize that it isn't a scarlet letter to be single and a lot of people I know are embracing it.

So, don't worry about what others say about it. Do what you feel. It's ok. Liberating at best.......

drained22

I do want to get back out there but at this point what good will I be?

I became cold, mean.. could care less if someone is interested in me. could care less about anything.. school, work, people.

the old me got me into this position so going back isnt a option.

chrisea

It's been two years for me.. I still don't feel ready to date. Lots of reasons I guess. i enjoy being by myself, I enjoy no one expecting anything, getting mad at me, judging me,
being in my space, messing up my stuff, eating my food. Ha Ha Ha.


I became cold, mean.. could care less if someone is interested in me. could care less about anything.. school, work, people.
the old me got me into this position so going back isnt a option.


It's been 4 yrs for me, I'm a combination of the above views. I use to yearn to be cuddled, smoozed, nice things done for me, but it ended up one sided, I gave up & quit looking after the last disaster.

TakingCharge999

hi drained
so you have to be brand new.

the more i hear stories about seemingly good relations the more i am convinced that as long as you are looking outside yourself for anything you are bound to deception and to take decisions based not in love but in fear. cliched but true

my best moments so far have happened while i was alone (for instance watching the aurora borealis) and with guys well, yes, great moments but inevitably tied to the posterior anxiety, selfishness, regret, hurt, silence etc.

anyway we have more sex appeal !! we, the single independent ones, who have been through hells in very lonely places of the psyche. but here we are finding joy and gradually mutating to someone else. someone much better, with great foundations for the future.

sorry for the rambling. sometimes i see people feeling superior in the real world and i wanted to give it a try. feels good !!

NoChoice

MsFixit,
I could not relate with you more! I keep checking myself about dating...Why would I want to forfeit what I have now? I am happy. I am independent, I can take care of myself. I am totally satisfied with my job, my friends. I think that we are a new lot and society isn't quite sure where to put us. I have tried to wrap my head around me not really caring to date. I almost keep wanting to see if I am ready. When it comes down to it, I am happy alone. I have a great boss and I love doing my job better all the time my mom says "I know you like making your boss happy by doing a good job, but I think you should find a husband!" HA! OMG I had to LOL at that, she is crazy and from a different time.
I have such satisfaction being by myself. I know alot of people don't understand. I tried dating someone but he wanted to date other people while he dated me...WTF? I deserve better than that. I have a couple guys making contact w me, one of them is an older distinguished gentleman and the other is more my peer. I play the tape all the way thru and usually I am better off by myself. I also try very hard to stay in today and see what God reveals for me. I used to think that I really wanted to have children but now, I am not even sure about that. All I know that if it is supposed to happen, it will come and it will make me feel good and God will tell me exactly which way to go.
My sponsor tells me that I need something that is fun, carefree and non commital. I am ok with that but the whole sex thing I am just not into all that right now. I don't get that! Maybe I am still healing. I would rather not be bothered, does that make sense?

911shellbell

Oh Ms Fixit and NoCHOICE..do i hear what you are saying!!!my mother and my siblings can't figure out how i can actually be happy without a man???i have a great job, 2 great kids, etc etc and a sober wonderful life...i have been happy without a man..i don't need one, i just want one to play in life with..lol...i think you understand what i mean...relationships are work and it has takin me a long time to figure out that most are just not worth my time or effort...but i do think i will be ready to do the work, when the right one comes along...i hope this for you too...but in the meantime..enjoy "YOU" and i know you are...hugs to you...

drained22

hello, I do think there was alot of fixing what was wrong with me before I met A$F by getting attached to someone else.

there was things that were empty and I thought by adding someone it becomes a positive yet I realized that it doesn't work like that.

I guess we live and we learn then..we get diapers? LOL