HelpingDarryn99

Hello..My Name is Shay

My 22 year old son Darryn has been addicted to Oxy Cotten for 2 years. This addiction has caused hardship in a relationship that was based in truth, love and companionship that many would ENVY.

My son and I have been best friends forever. He is my only child. Being a single mother, I raised Darryn in the best way I could. I worked his whole life, afforded the abilities to provide everything and anything he needed is whole life. My son never wanted for anything.

AT the age of 15, he started using weed, I was totally aganist this, I am not a user of anything, nor do I drink. I tried my hardest to keep him clean, but he continued throughout his adolesent years. On or abut 2006, Darryn began to display certain actions that I was not familuiar with, but as a fulltime employed mother, I was not able to be with him each day.

I blame myself for not staying on top of his work ethics, or his need to be more responsibile, I am a co-dependant mother, as I was as a wife and daughter. My son has stolen from me, property and money, he has verbally threatened to kill himself by od on Oxy's. When he can't get them, he used Vicodins, Perks, anything that can me swallowed.

His drug of choice is Crushing 80's of Oxy's and snortin them!!

Why I am here today is to get some insight on this addiction, to learn how to deal with this and what I can do for my son, and myself to overcome this awful and painfull drug..

Thank You
Shay

Maggiemac

Hello Shay welcome to SR you have found the right place. Not like me found this place when it was to late my son died of overdose of herion. Their are many people here that know all the ins and outs of drug addiction and can help you.
I will pray for you and your son.
A friend,
Maggiemac

winnie12

Welcome
The first thing i suggest is stop being his friend and be his mom for a while. We have lots of friends in a lifetime but only one mom.

Secondly, I ask you the most important question, are you ready and willing to let him fall?

JMFburns

Welcome Shay,
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found this site and would encourage you to read the information posted at the top, correspond as often as able and check out Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings (I attend one of each!)

My 28 yr old son's DOC is also pain pills (and he started with marijuana.) He hasn't lived with me for the past 3 years, so I don't really know all the specifics. He is currently living in a shelter and is trying to work his way into the social service system for assistance. He claims he is currently clean . . . but who knows.

I have no solutions, only the support that, you are not alone in the journey of being a parent of an addict. Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.

Serenity Bound

Hi Shay, Welcome to SR! Winnie makes two very good points. You will find much help here at SR. Please read the stickies at the top. First, you must learn the 3 C's
you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Those are the facts of drug addiction. I am the mother of a 30yr old crack addict, she never wanted for anything either, we were very close up to her late teens. The best thing that I did for both myself & my daughter was to attend Al-Anon & Nar-Anon meetings....there I learned not only the 3 c's, but how no matter what I did or didn't do, it was not going to affect my daughter's addiction. (she started at approx 18yo) The addiction takes over our loved ones and until the addict reaches their bottom, they will continue to use. We cannot do this for them. We cannot love them into recovery.

I have learned to "Let go & Let God" I have learned to live my own life and to leave her recovery to her. No it isn't easy as a Mom, not at all, however the support you will get from meetings and from SR will help you!!

Chris

HelpingDarryn99

Thank You everyone..

I decided about 6 months ago to throw him out of the house. My son was beyond my control, he stole everything he could including things that I could not replace. His lies pushed me away. My sister allowed him to move in with her, and she accused me of not caring about my son. The guilt that my sister and my son brings to me is unbearable most days, but I choose to take care of me before anything.

I explained to him that with choice somes represussions and I would not allow his choices to effect my life. In return, my son throws in my face how I would rather care for my husband then him, that I would rather forget about him and take care of me. My son is spoiled, he has not have a job in over 9 months, he currently is on unemployment, which has gone into the extended benefit stage, he spends the little he gets on Oxy, but swears to me that he does not do it.

His girlfriend is another problem too, she does it with him and she is so mean to me and him. I have asked him to please leave her, and to start takin care of himself, but he says that he feels bad that he is getting all the support to kick the habit, but no one is helping her. I explained to him this morning that two sick people can not take care of themselves, if he truly loves her, then he must love himself first and then and only then can he help her.

I am planning on going to the ER with him tonight to have him checked out, he looks awful, he has lost so much weight since I kicked him out, he goes days without taking a shower, keeping the same clothes on and does not seem to think that is a problem.

He said he is willing to start NA Meetings, but refuses to go into a Medical Detox..

I prayed last night that this would be bearable, and I decided 6 months ago to hand it off to God, this is the only way I can stay positive and not go crazy most days..

Thanks for listening..
Shay

winnie12

Darlin, you have so many conflicting emotions going on right now. I know that feeling well - go between what a great kid - i cant stand this kid, i have to help him - i cant help him.

Your first post stated your son had a relationship most would envy but then as you write it changes into two addicts who use together. that's not something to envy.

Your first post stated that you have been best friends forever but then as you write you describe someone who has no respect for you and shows it by stealing, lying and using you. that's not a friend

If your sister wants to take the burden of living with an addict - being stole from, lied to, used, then its best to let her learn that lesson on her own. Its not your problem. If she says you're mean he can come live with me - you say wonderful he's all yours. Believe me, she'll find out soon enough. When she comes complaining to you just say its not my problem its yours.

You really have your hands full - more pressure than one mom can hold - keep praying because sometimes that's the only thing that works. I cant tell you that its all going to be bearable but i can tell you that eventually you can find peace. Somewhere in all this mess you have to find some clarity or, if you're like me, you're going to loose it. You might want to consider going to some meetings while you decypher your own emotions and figure out what you need to do - not for him but you. I found the more I detached and got myself healthy the more my AS accepted that he's an addict and needs help. He started out with "what kind of mom are you" and now he knows what kind of mom i am - one who doesnt put up with any crap.

devastated

Welcome to this wonderful forum where you can come and share and, at the same time, learn that you are not alone.

It took me a long time to realize that I made a huge mistake by trying to be "friends" with my son instead of a mom. Because I loved him so much I lost sight of the fact that it's a hard world out there, and I should have prepared him for that instead of "giving" him everything and not making him responsible for any mistakes he made along the way.

Unfortunately, the damage is done and now it's time to change. Since we can't change them, we have to change ourselves. In order to change ourselves we have learn to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. Something they never had to face as children.

I realize how difficult this is, but the only way for them to learn is to let them fall.

You have done the right thing by asking him to leave. Now you must get use to the idea that he is going to do everything in his power to make you feel guilty. DON'T BUY INTO IT!

Of course he looks terrible, he is using!

I am so sorry to say that there isn't much you can do for him until he decides he wants help. The best thing you can do is set your boundaries and take care of yourself. Pray that one day he will decide to get help. When that times comes, he will look for you.

In the meantime, pray.

Hugs & prayers coming your way
Devastated

HelpingDarryn99

Winnie, please allow me to explain...

I HAD the best relationship with my son UNTIL he got into this OXY Addiction.

The Two Addicts are my son and his GIRLFRIEND..

I never used the Drug, I am his mother. This must be hard to understand in a forum.

Maybe I am just running on empty because I am not sleeping well, trying to hold a fulltime job, and trying to cope with day to day life..

I want to help my son, but my SON needs to WANT to help himself..

My sister has complained, and I have told her that it's her problem now, and if she does not want it, then throw him out.. He needs to hit rock bottom..

Thanks
Shay

marle

Welcome to SR. My daughter is 22 and a heroin addict with 8 months clean. Your son can do it when he is ready to surrender his will and do whatever it takes to clean up, including getting rid of the girlfriend is she is not ready to get clean. My daughter left her addict boyfriend who supplied all her drugs. I don't really know how she found it in her to do that, but she said she was just tired of it all. She is my only child and we had always been close too. Today I am her mother, not her friend. The difference is that I won't tolerate the behaviors that I used to. I hope your son decides to embrace recovery. It sounds like you did the right thing kicking him out. It is so hard to have addiction staring us in the face. If you haven't done so yet, try out some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings. They can be a lifesaver. Hugs, Marle

jerect

I don't have anything else to add because the others have said it best..

You need to take care of you.. Put yourself first even if you have to start with baby steps like getting a good nights sleep or taking a nice hot bath..

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our addicts is to "Let Them Fall".. yes this means standing by and letting them self destruct to the point where they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. If they choose to walk around dirty, then so be it.. If they choose to eat pills instead of eating real food then so be it, and if they have to sleep in a shelter or on the streets because coming home is no longer an option for them, then so be it.. An addict will only get better when they hit their bottom and only they know what their bottom is..
Going to meetings will not make him clean.. he has to be willing to work the program..

I And thats the best thing that you can do for your son... God's hands are the best hands for him to be in..

My AH's DOC is oxy's so I understand the hell that you are dealing with... going to meetings has helped me to detatch and work on my codie issues...

Keep posting here, I'm so sorry for your pain..

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

Though I'm sorry for what has brought you here, you've found a place with some wonderful, supportive people who know exactly what you are going through.

I'm a codie, and I'm also a recovering crack addict. My addiction didn't take over my life until I was much older than your son, but it has done a lot of damage.

What the others have said is true. We A's (addicts) have to find our own bottoms, and the best way for us to do that is to face the consequencs of our using. Most of us will blame anyone and everyone for everything, rather than face the simple fact that it's our own fault. Here, on this forum, we call it "quacking"...just picture the Aflac duck each time your son starts complaining

I was an ER nurse for 12 years. I had several oxy addicts come in, wanting "something NOW" to ease the withdrawals. They were unwilling to go to detox, unwilling to go through withdrawals..they wanted a quick "fix" and there isn't one.

Recovery, as an addict or a codie, is not easy but it is worth it. Both involve wanting it with every cell in your body, being tired of the life we are living, and wanting a better life more than anything else.

I'm sorry for your pain. It is something no loved one should ever have to go through, but I'm glad you're here.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Angel09

Addicts will only begin to heal when they understand the use of drugs is wrong. They put on shows and talk whatever talk is necessary to get by. They will bleed families dry of money without caring, just to get through another round of rehab to get out and begin to use again. My mother just spent another round of money on tech school and housing on my older sister to try to get her out of her life and put her into a straight one, and she is already beginning to bend. She has never hit the bottom. It's my fault, too. I wanted my parents to help her out of her lifestyle, but I didn't understand everything that was still happening.

I know someone else who goes through round after round of rehab. She has destroyed her backround to the point where renting an apartment is difficult. But she still doesn't understand what she does is wrong because she is coddled. I stopped speaking to her many years ago. I even skip quickly by the bookstore where she holds a job. That's how I feel. Her mother has lost so much money because of treatments it brings tears to my eyes. But she still will never understand. It was her mother who I was friends with, and she and I have even parted. She became a liar for her daughter and many other things.

All the best to you! This will work out. You just must be strong.

splendra

(((((((Shay)))))))

Welcome...

mooselips

(((Shay)))
Well, to me, you sound like you have a handle on it. Kicking him out, and telling your sister to do, what she needs to do for herself.

When we kicked our sons to the curb, people thought we were cold and heartless, then little by little they began to understand the disease of addiction, and how you cannot help those who won't help themselves.

How about Alanon?
I may have overlooked a part that said if you were attending?
It's a great support system.

Your son has someone with him all the time, his H.P.
You just have to gain faith that, that's, what going to help him when he's at his bottom.

Hugs and hugs, and NO GUILT. NONE. NADA. NOT A BIT.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another Mom.
It seems you're moving in the right direction.
The best you can do is let your son know you're there for him when he wants help figuring out how to get into a rehab. In the meantime detaching is healthiest for both of you.
Working the 12 steps through alanon helped me significantly in learning how to focus on myself and find serenity some of the time - despite how my son progresses in his addiction or sobriety.
Once he hit his own bottom, I stepped in to help him get to rehab. By then I had learned how to let go of control and let him work recovery while I do the same.

This is a tough road. My son is an only child too. We must figure out a way to have a life of purpose and Joy no matter the path of our sons.
Please keep posting here because collectively the help and support is awesome.

Change comes and hopefully this too shall pass. I know because
My son is currently in his 11th month of a one yr. program and I have a wonderful life.
There is light...keep the faith. Manage your sorrow and reach out.

SistersHelp

Hi Shay,
My sister's DOC is also OxyContin and she does the crushing and snorting thing too. She also started with marijuana, slowly adding codeine tablets, crack and OxyContin to her cocktail. My family is still struggling with it all... she's lost her daughter and her home and continues to go from rehab to rehab, getting kicked out over and over. It's a horrible drug.... I don't know what to say. I don't mean to discourage you at all because my sister is a lot older than your son and a lot more set in her ways... I really hope your son finds recovery.

(Welcome to SR... these people are wonderful support. You are in the right place!)

Lisa

MyJoey

Shay,

I know what your saying about your relationship with your son, I also had the same thing with my son....please read under the posting/heading (MyJoey). Sometimes when he is clean I still do. Quit blaming yourself there is nothing you could have done to stop his using drugs. It is a long road and I am new here also, but I have learned so much from this site. Stuff that is not easy to hear and not easy to do. Everyone here has a story, so everyone is ready to support, really a pretty wonderful place and you will take great comfort in knowing your not alone. It sounds like you are taking the right steps to helping him and yourself. He will hit his bottom faster if you are not helping him, that is a hard one for me also, my 17 year old son I am having arrested, taken away and locked up for his own good...........I cry all the time it hurts like heck. He don't want help he likes what he is doing, but for me till he is 18 I am going to force the help. I know it may not work, but it is my last hope before he is 18. Then I will have to kick him out and let him fall on his own....truly heartbreaking.

peaceteach

Hi Shay,

I too am the mother of an addicted son, age 25. He is currently on suboxone, although his insurance is gone now and I don't know if he will be able to continue it. I came here a year ago in December, just through links, and began reading and then recognizing that I saw so much of what I was reading in my son. I've stayed and learned a lot from the wisdom and experience of other mothers and fathers who post here. I had had a previous experience with learning about codependency through my marriage to an alcoholic, so it didn't take me very long to remember about it, about powerlessness, and about stopping the enabling behaviors I was participating in. This revelation really helped take a burden off my shoulders that I had been carrying as a parent. Ultimately, and sadly, there was not much difference in having an A spouse vs. an A child. Both tended to suck the spirit right out of me, and both need to recognnize that I am not the solution to their problem, that they are the ones who need to figure it out and stop using. I was able to put my focus back where it belonged (well, most of the time!) by stepping up my reading and posting here. I hope you find SR as welcoming and helpful as I have. I'm sorry you have to be here, but please know you are in "good" company and not alone.

sleepygoat

My AD (she's 20) is also my only child and I was a single parent with her until she was 8, and we had a wonderful relationship up until her addiction got bad. She hid it from me (manipulation and lies on her part, denial on mine)for years. Even when things and & money were disappearing left and right, I rationalized it all. Finally her BF at the time told me straight up that she was an addict.

I too experienced the stealing, the lies, the threats, the verbal abuse. Unlike you, though, I already knew It wasnt my fault. I know she has a disease that she can't help having and didn't choose. I knew I didn't cause it. I now also know I can't control it or cure it, but that took time and many failed attempts to do so. But it also took so much pain and fear and unmanagability in my life to be able to admit that I am truly powerless over my daughter's disease of addiciton, her choices, her life, her anything.

In a way it all comes down to "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink any". After a while, the all consuming effort of dragging that stubborn horse became too much for me. I couldn't manipulate the horse, or even love that horse into drinking water he didn't want to drink!!

So then I finally really and truly decided I wanted to focus on my own life. The only power over my daughter's life I have is the power of prayer. Not a day goes by that I don't still pray for my daughter. But beyond that, the focus must stay on me and my own life.

for right now, just try to be open to these types of ideas. For right now, just let the moms here share with you and know that you are not, not, not alone.