Callie

Throughout my struggles with AH I have realized that my kids 8 yo b/g twins are showing signs of possible codependency in adulthood. When I'd told my kids about their dad on Sunday, I'd told them that daddy had lost his job. My DS said well how are the bills getting paid. I said remember last summer when I was gone all of the time working etc. that is how the bills are being paid. DS said mommy, you can have all of the money that I've been saving. It broke my heart and of course I said no, you worked for that money it's yours. I said one thing that you guys could do to help me out alot is to keep your stuff picked up, keep your rooms clean, don't argue when it's time to do homework, brush teeth etc.

Yesterday one of my dd's BFF's who she rides the bus with asked if she could play dd's DS (nintendo) dd said she didn't have it. The BFF said she didn't believe her and took my dd's backpack and looked through it to verify she was telling the truth. I was furious that dd let her and didn't stick up for herself. DD and I talked about it, but still it upsets me.

Both of my kids have HUGE hearts and are sensitive to others, which is a good thing. But there seems to be a fine line between being sensitive and allowing others to walk on you (such as AH did me).

I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting but how do you teach your kids that it's NOT ok to be a codie, but it IS ok to be kind hearted. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I"m still in a haze from the whole rush to rehab with AH, but this is something that has been bothering me with the kids. Any thoughts?

CAPTAINZING2000

I've still got a 20 year old at home. My other 3 live up by their mom. Thankfully, he's always had a job to earn his spending money.

I did tell him though, he can stay here if, he's going to college but, he's not going to party and play around while he lives with me. he's in Afghanistan now so, time will tell when, he gets back.

To me, the important thing is not giving out money. I was made to earn my own spending money at an early age. It's very important for kids to learn the value of a dollar.

I keep my mouth shut as far as his room is concerned but I insist, he picks up his own mess around the house.

Assign chores, make it as way for them to earn spending money around the house.

NeedingHelp7

Callie, I wouldn't worry to much about DS. His offering to help was a genuine show of his kindness and care, and really something a man would do. He learned that from his father, that is a good trait. You gave them a sense of security when you told them all bills are fine and being paid by you. There may have been a fear they would lose their home. You handled that well.

Although, DD on the otherhand should not have allowed that girl to go through her bookbag. As upsetting as it was, you did a nice job here also. Your just teaching them lessons as they come. Hopefully she'll remember to stick up for herself next time someone goes through her stuff without her permission.

Overreacting, I don't know, .... I know you don't want them to become little codies.
Being sensitive to this is good. Were you lead they will follow (most of the time).

Freedom1990

I found that the best thing I could do was work a strong program of recovery for myself and give my girls a healthy role model.

I know where you are coming from, and unfortunately there is no guaranteed way to ensure what path our kids will eventually take.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

thanks for this post callie. I've often wondered the same thing. How do you teach kids to be caring (or maybe I should say keep them caring, since they seem to be born with it) without turning them into doormats. Because it's hard for kids to see that things have small differences.

Like how they don't understand that birds can fly because they have wings, but penguins can't fly and they have wings too. (Kind of a dumb analogy, I know, but hopefully you get it).

My mother-in-law-to-be is pretty widely known as the sweetest, most caring person in the world to the public, but if you realize that she is the wife of an emotionally abusive AH and has two alcoholic/addict children, and you see how she lets them walk all over her then she's not nearly as much a sweet grandmother as an enabling nutjob.
That's kind of harsh. I feel bad for saying that but I can't delete it because it's true.

winnie12

I've dealt with this same concern for my daughter. She's a perfectionist and always trying to make things easy on everyone else. A few things i'm trying is:

1. Allowing her to fail and when she does try to teach her that its okay, normal and healthy to fail sometimes.
2. Allowing her to show her anger - (dont take this too far or you get my AS). She bottles up her feelings because she doesnt want to hurt anyone. I've had to remind her that's its okay to get mad and stand up for yourself.
3. Explaining the concept of loving the person and hating the disease.
4. Biggest is I'm trying to teach her through example. not jumping in, not taking blame, not trying to fix, saying things like "there's nothing we can do."

I hate reposting a story I've already told but it was a huge lesson for us. My son OD on a friday afternoon. My daughter unfortunately had to experience it and was at the hospital with me. They wouldnt let me leave so she couldnt leave but we choose to sit outside his room instead of in there trying to control him. My boss had arranged a private tour for her at the GA Aquarium for the next morning because she wants to be a marine biologist. All that night she kept saying "he's going to ruin this for me again." We didnt get home until 2:30 a.m. and at 3:30 a.m. the hospital called and said i had to come back - i was distraught and she was distraught becuase she knew that this would most likely mean she would miss her trip. I got back around 5:30 a.m. - slept for two hours - drank an obscene amount of caffenine and we went to the aquarium. I told her that his behavior would never stop us again from doing what WE wanted to do. He woke up at the hospital alone - not even remembering what he had done. we didnt go see him until around 2:30 in the afternoon when we were done. I turned off my phone - we didnt rush - we had our own time. I told her he was safe and there was nothing we could so we may as well enjoy ourselves.

Chino

I have two adult children, one is co-dependent and the other isn't. While they both grew up in the same home, were taught the same values, had the same rules, they are as different as night and day.

Looking back, the biggest difference is that the rules were enforced differently or not at all with my daughter. It was passive/aggressive on my part and born out of fear. That lead to her not being held accountable for her actions, which in turn (I suspect) lead to her not holding others accountable for theirs.

If I look back even further to my own upbringing, the one thing that sticks out is me being held responsible for others feelings. When I disappointed my family, I was repeatedly told how I made them feel, then it was up to me to make them feel better. My nose wasn't rubbed in my own doo doo once, it was several times. Even worse was my nose being rubbed in their doo doo, too.

outtolunch

I think you nailed it, Chino. It's a big enough job being responsible for ourselves, our outcomes that it's beyond the job description to take on responsibility for how someone else feels.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

chino,
i'm sorry you were taught to feel guilty when you were a kid.

this is another one of those gray areas. speaking as a parent of a young child, its hard for me to know at what point i'm teaching my child responsibilty, and at what point i'm teaching him guilt.
if he accidentally hits me because he was throwing something that he shouldn't have been throwing, i expect him to sit in time out and then i expect him to apologize to me, even if it was an accident.
but, i don't think of it as expecting him to make me feel better, i just want him to take responsibility for his actions.

Callie

For me, I was not raised in addiction at all. Most everything I've read about codies says that we were raised in addiction. That could not be further from the truth. I come from a good Christian family, parents still together, both sets of grandparents very involved in my life and still together etc. My sister is just like me in that she's very giving, kind hearted, cares about other people's feelings etc. BUT she married a good man and of course she has none of the problems that I have because she's not dealing with addiction. But had she married an addict she'd be just like me. In reality I have NO experience with drugs (prior to AH).

I don't know - just trying to understand how this all happened I guess. My AH comes from a pretty dysfunctional family. My entire family loves/loved him before all of this on his own accord. Not just because of me. I would not wish what I've been through on anyone and I guess I'm just very fearful for my kids and want to do everything that I can to ensure that they don't live the life that I have for the last 10 years.

cece1960

I am the codie of my family. I don't know where it originated, but I remember even as a child feeling responsible for others' feelings.
My older brother cared only about himself.
My mom held me responsible on a greater level than my brother.
I then held my daughter more responsible than my sons.

I can only suggest, as was mentioned, to lead by example, to apprecite life's blessing and to allow them to see that you are (and feel) important as a person, not just a Mom.
My kids are now getting a cram course in life according to the "new Mom". A few decades late, but better than never

hello-kitty

You and your actions are your childs greatest teacher.

Callie

Thanks guys - I think both dd, ds and I are still reeling from AH being whisked away to Fla. They didn't even get to say goodbye. We've been staying with my parents for a few days (just for something different). Yesterday the 3 of us went snowmobiling all day and sledding. Then came in for hot chocolate and curled up and watched a movie before we came back home.

It's weird, the first few days with AH gone were still chaos, but slowly I can feel the entire community enveloping me. Lots of positive thoughts, well wishes, prayers. A few of my dad's good friends had kind of cornered my dad @ the Elks the other night and asked how the kids and I were. Dad kind of answered and changed the subject. The friends said look, we know Callie and AH have been seperated all summer, we saw his name in the paper. We're thinking of Callie, we care about Callie and we're on her side. I'd called the parents of my twins bff's and said if you hear anything from your kids that I should know please call me. They kept reiterating that I'm a good mom, I'll be ok and I will.

I'm going to spend the day getting my house in order and go to the store. I've told the kids that I will buy them each journals and they can write whatever they're feeling in it, whether it be about daddy, school or whatever. Every night before bed I've been asking if they have any questions or if they're is anything they want to talk about. My dd is really struggling with trust issues with her dad because apparantly he made her promise that she would never do drugs and she did and she made him promise the same thing. He did. She keeps saying he's a liar, he lies he'll just lie anyway. I keep trying to tell her that sometimes when people are on drugs they're not themselves and they say things they normally wouldn't say.

Just for yesterday I felt the cloud slowly starting to lift. In reality, AH hasn't been consistant, has been in and out etc. I've done it all along by myself for the most part. I've made it this far, I am certain that I can continue on. I need to pull my kids closer. I need to take the energy that I've spent on AH and put it into the 3 of us. My family has been so awesome and I'm so glad that they're surrounding us with love. I'm so glad that I have good role models close by for my kids. Thanks for being there guys. I don't know what I would do without you.

I had these videos sent to me by my uncle (he's very religious) they very inspiring!

GodTube.com - christianwebtv - Set Me Free - Ignite Student Ministries

GodTube.com - his31337 - Lifehouse Everything Drama

GodTube.com - John_11-44 - Hold On by 33 Miles

Callie

You know, this is so very true. My MIL crumbled when my FIL left her. AH was 10 @ the time and she just holed up in a corner and cried for years. She was devastated, crushed and just could not, did not cope. 28 years later she still loves FIL, she never remarried, he did 2x. Aunts, grandma's, cousins cared for AH and his sister for the most part. At 10 years old AH could be gone for days @ a time camping on the river with 14-17 year olds. It was those very kids that thought it was cute to get a little kid high. This was AH's intro to drugs. All the while his mom's trying to make ends meet, feeling sorry for herself. Dad is running the bars and not supporting his kids. AH and his sister were virtually left to fend for themselves - something that NO child should have to do.

I remember when I found out that I was pregnant. I made a promise to those kids before they were even born that I would always be there for them. That I would give them my very best. My best when dealing with addiction is different than my best without it...it was still my best. Just today I was thinking about what I've told the soccer teams that I've coached every year. Give it your best every game. Your best will be different every Saturday. Sometimes we didn't get enough sleep before the game or didn't have time to eat a good breakfast or we were rushed because we couldn't find our cleats...but give it your best.

I think all of us codies have had to try to carry on with life and also carry the burden of addiction. But the key is to carry on. I realized that when my AH was fired from an 80k a year job and chose to continue using heavily for 10 months later, laying out @ his moms and doing virtually NOTHING here. I did what I HAD to. I picked up the slack and worked my tail off to pay the bills here. All the while coaching soccer, hosting sleepovers, helping with homework, ensuring that I knew how the kid's school day went, making sure they had lunch $, hair cuts, nails trimmed, teeth brushed, that they knew that I loved them. I am very involved in their class, am a room mother, volunteer @ school for anything that I can. I've ran them to all of their practices, made sure their uniforms were clean before their games etc etc etc.

So Hello Kitty - I hope they can follow my actions. I did not crumble like my MIL did. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and did what I was morally taught to do. . . STAND. I'm proud of myself for that and I hope all of you wives, husbands, mothers and fathers dealing with addiction are proud of yourselves too. Addiction isn't fair, we didn't ask for it, but we carried on and got back up time and time again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4uG2kSdd-4

hello-kitty

I read the best quote the other day:

Now I'm sure there is more to it but I'm all about keeping it simple. There are no perfect parents. Reminds me of another quote:

"We do the best we can, hold our breath, and hope we have put aside enough money to pay for our kids therapy when they are adults."

CAPTAINZING2000

If, I were a perfect parent, my kids would have broke the mold anyway.

I'm trying to be a perfect child as an adult now