Marigolds

I don't know how to handle this situation:

My H has the habit of falling asleep with the remote control in bed. Every now and then he rolls over, it falls out and hits the floor with a loud BANG! This always wakes me up and scares the crap out of me, and I can't get back to sleep. It sounds like a gunshot. I have huge problems with insomnia and anxiety which don't help. This has been an off-and-on again problem for awhile.

It happened twice this week. The first time I nicely let him know that it upset me, it scares me, could he be more careful. Last night it happened again - BANG! I woke up scared and ANGRY. I lost my temper and ranted about it and told him I didn't think he loves me because it doesn't seem like he listens to me or cares about me. (i know, i know, that was probably childish and unfair) Of course, he got angry right back at me, and told me he didn't know what to do.

I'm new to Al-anon and don't quite understand the part that I can't change his behavior. I know this situation sounds pretty silly, but it's pretty much how we deal with any sort of conflict in our relationship - I say something, he gets angry and defensive, or makes me feel like I'm the nag. I am getting paranoid that he does this on purpose. I have no clue how to pick my battles, or what I should just let go.

I would love some insights - how do you deal with your spouses when they do these annoying things? Or do I just let this one go?

P.S. I will be buying a rug for the floor in his bedroom. Hopefully that will cushion the thing when it falls on the floor.

Barbara52

I too suffer with bouts of insomnia. My xAH never understood how difficult it could be for me to fall asleep or stay asleep. He insisted on watching tv in bed while I was trying to get to sleep (even though I explained it hampered my sleep) and frequently fell asleep with the tv on which resulting in me waking up and having to get up to turn the danged thing off. It took me moving out of our bedroom to break through his indifference. Of course, his understanding only lasted a short time. Since he passed out every freakin night drunk he had no problem sleeping.

You can try asking him to use the sleep function on the tv. You can move to another bedroom or the couch to get the sleep you need. Or ask him to sleep elsewhere. But if he won't cooperate, then you get to decide what you are willing and able to do to get the sleep you need.

escape artist

move the tv out of the bedroom

Marigolds

Moving the TV out of the bedroom was a battle I gave up on long ago. I moved out into a separate bedroom awhile ago mostly because of his incredible snoring. So he makes me feel like even a bigger nag. He feels that he's given up so much, yet he still can't make me happy.

The TV isn't so much the problem anymore, it's the remote that he falls asleep with in his hand or bed. It sounds just like a shot ringing throughout the house when it falls out of the bed, earplugs and a separate room don't help.

It just seems like such a small thing he could do - put the thing on the nightstand or something! I feel so ignored and disrespected by this, but don't know if I'm just being a big baby.

resentful wife

Ask him to put it between you ON the bed, that way it won't hit the floor and you can turn off tv if it wakes you.

Linda

silkspin

Before our split, my AH would come to bed on the weekends drunk and listen to his Ipod. I'd hear the music through his earbuds it was so loud and sometimes it would fall to the floor too after he'd pass out or the buds would fall out of his ears. I'd argue with him that I was trying to get some sleep and he'd argue that he just wanted to listen to a few more songs. Sometimes he'd turn it off and other times he'd just turn down the volume. If I couldn't hear it I'd let it go and let him get all tangled in it when he woke. Otherwise if he's insistent, then what can I do? I'd leave and sleep somewhere else.

Maybe you can put in ear plugs? Or attach the remote to the headboard? You mention that you're still not sure of changing someone else's behaviour. In a relationship one can hope for mutual respect so you can negotiate a solution for the things that annoy you about one another. But in the end if he wants to do something and you don't like it, he still has the right to do it and you have the right to remove yourself. And in a situation with a drinker, I've found that the latter is typically the way you need to do things. Especially if they've been drinking, respect is out the window (for themselves and for you).

Bernadette

By the time my marriage was past due on it's natural death I couldn't stand the sound of my exH turning on a lightswitch, or stirring his coffee in the morning!!!!!!!!!

MY nerves were shot.

My current BF of 8 years does as many annoying things as the next person- but they don't really get on my nerves because we have a really really solid loving relationship. And for sure if something he was doing was obviously disturbing my sleep he would make an effort to eliminate the problem-- just like I would for him.

Our petty annoyances I can detach from - thanks to what I learned in AlAnon and because I am not racking up any resentments over other unresolved issues.

peace,
b

ToughChoices

I will say that it sounds as though you have a lot of emotion invested in his actions, here. When I start interpreting my husband's failure to perform seemingly small tasks as signs of intense disrespect and lack of love, there's usually something MUCH larger at play than just a remote control or a sink of dishes.

I don't think that you're a big baby. Not at all. But I know that I have been in a relationship that caused me to constantly question my needs and wants - that lead me to doubt even the simplest of my reactions and worry about being perceived as a nag or a b*tch. Is it possible that you are involved in such a relationship now?

It's ok for you to ask him not to fall asleep with the remote and to explain why it's a problem for you, but you have no control over whether he forgets or chooses to ignore you or purposely throws the thing on the floor.

You absolutely CAN control your actions, though.
Lay down a thick, soft rug.
If that doesn't work, do the earplugs, again.
If that doesn't work, then you might consider moving into another bedroom (with earplugs and rug in place) - not out of punishment for his lack of love or understanding, but out of YOUR need for peaceful rest.

When I act in my own best interest, to meet my needs, I am not being vindictive or b*tchy, no matter what anyone else thinks. My actions do not have to be explained or justified.

Take care, Marigolds.

-TC

Marigolds

Thank you for the insights TC...I've been pretty quiet for the first 10 years or so of our marriage, it was just easier that way. And we actually got along, but something wasn't quite right, and I still haven't figured out what it is. I have become so afraid of saying or doing anything. Maybe it is the alcoholism, I don't know.

Anyway, I started to stand up for myself and I am not sure the difference between asking for something and nagging.

nowinsituation

That is a great questions, my marriage was full of these "little" things too; and I really felt like there was something wrong with me -- why was I so picky and demanding. I think I remember a post by Denny about nagging . . . something about asking once is asking; asking twice is making sure you were heard; and asking the third time is nagging.

Nobody wants to be a nag. Everybody has needs. Being with a partner that doesn't even respect your smallest needs really damages you in a lot of ways.

coyote21

Alanon has taught me that I don't have power over people, places or things, but you can bet I have the power to make that remote disappear! POOF!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Learning how

Marigolds, I understand what you are saying about having trouble knowing how to stand up for yourself. I do too. I have been told for years and years that I am over reacting to whatever was happening around me. After awhile it becomes very hard to tell what is approp. and what is over reacting.

Good luck with your sleep. I think the rug sounds like a good start!

My RAH snores, I think he should see a doctor about it but he doesn't agree.
I sleep on the sofa when I need to. I used to spend the night trying to get him to turn on his side and stay there. I lost alot of sleep waiting for him to stop snoring.

nowinsituation

One thing I discovered about the snoring -- I knew my XAH's snoring was bad when he was drunk. I couldn't figure out why he snored so bad every night, but only when he would first fall asleep. Later during the night he wouldn't be snoring. Now I realize that he was drunk every night; and that as he sobered up during the night the snoring would stop.