PASSAGEWEST

whyDoTheyGetWorse ???
I have been dating and recently living with a man...
Actually, I was wondering, why does it seem he was on his best behaviour for 1-1/2yr, and for the past 5-6 months he is getting worse with his weekend drinking, smoking, maybe drugs???(I am not sure, but have my suspisions, but I dont know about this stuff!!!) And if I try to talk to him, he goes silent. Does this mean he is a manipulating alcoholic, and if so then he kinda knows he has a problem, right? That is a mouthful, but I think I am learning this stuff at a lightning's pace. I know it is not his fault, blah blah blah, but I cant live with it, but I dont want to live without him...

And, how do we approach an alcoholic? Lots of love, yes, but we have to protect our feelings too. It is so complicated when our emotions get involved.

I will let him know I love him, but I cant stick around while he destroys himself. His dad commited suicide, maybe it is in his genes???

oh my, life can be heavy....

Damaged82

I don't know if I can give you any advice, but I sure can relate. It is scary when you just don't know what they're going to do. I've been attacked (only verbally) with words I've spoken in complete confidence...fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities. It's gets hard to deal with it when it continues b/c of the fear of being ripped a new bum hole for caring. It's hard to give them lots and lots of love, too b/c then they'll think it'll be okay next time, and the time after that, and so on. Maybe his silence is a way of tuning out his problem, that or just a lack of words to say. I never got an apology from my dad, but my mom said he cried and apologized to her for putting me thru certain situations. So, I've known since I was knee high to a grasshopper that love and remorse lies deep in their hearts, but when confronted maybe they get scared that it means they'll have to quit and don't think they can handle it. I've tried yelling at him, screaming at him, throwing temper tantrums, walking out the door just to leave, and that didn't work...he usually follows me until he'd finished yelling. I've tried being calm and collective and tried to help him, and that didnt' work. Fact is, we can't fix them, they have to want it and must do it themselves with our assistance, not us doing it for them. I agree with you, I know I can't sit around and watch him destroy himself...it kills me to walk in the door to him being incoherant or passed out. It's sad. And it does affect me when he slips. But how do you deal with it?? His best friend killed himself and I was on the phone w/ my b/f when he found him. I worry sometimes, that he'll follow suit. Aye...either way, hang in there. It doesn't please me to know that others deal with what I do, a lot on a heavier level, but it's quite refreshing knowing that we can come here and vent and not feel like total nut jobs. *hugz* ~Damaged

margo

Hi PassageWest - alcohol and drug addiction are progressive diseases. When a couple is dating and not living together, it's easy to hide things. Perhaps now that you're living together you're seeing what his normal habits may have been all along. You can't change him if he doesn't want to change, but you can let him know how you feel about it - figure out what your boundaries are and state them. If he's not willing to talk about it, you can't force him to, and you'll be banging your head against a wall to try. Even if he knows he has a problem, he still may not want to talk about it. However, there's things you can do for you, and the Power Posts are a good place to start learning. Do yourself a favour and read through them, as well as the ones on the Nar-Anon forum. And if you do decide to stay, Al-Anon meetings will really help you to cope.

Love and hugs.

jojo

PassageWest -

Welcome. This is a great place to visit to vent and to hear words of wisdom from people who live their lives with alcoholics. No one can tell you what decisions to make but can offer advice to help make your own life more enjoyable.

If I had known what was coming I would never have married my husband. I knew he was a "recovering" alcoholic and really thought that meant that he no longer had an issue with alcohol - that is was under control. It certainly can mean that but in his case, it didn't. I am 57, been married 6 years and have been disabled for 5 of those years. He has just been through a rough two months of relapsing, in detox three times and is now in intensive outpatient therapy. He is doing well - for now - and that is all I can hope for. One day at a time!!!!!!

If I were younger, healthier and not married, I would run for the hills even though I love this man very much. I would think long and hard about what kind of life you want for yourself. Dealing with alcoholism is tough work and it affects every aspect of your life.

I know this sounds very negative and I am sorry for that. On the positive side, when my AH isn't drinking, and in our case he has gone as long as 2 years without touching it, he is a wonderful caring man. I guess that I have decided that at my stage of life that taking the path of recovery for both of us is the route that I am choosing but if I were alot younger, I don't think that I would make that choice.

Read the posts on this site, try some Alanon meetings and listen to what other people have to say about their own experiences and work the program. The most important thing to learn though is that you CANNOT change them. Only they can help themselves. You can only help yourself. I wish you the best.

Jo

countrygirl

Well said jojo. I am 53 and I am going to stick it out in my marriage, if I can. But if I were younger and it was this new of a relationship, I would seriously think about what is down the road, 5 years, 10 years from now. It could get a lot worse. Just truth telling, of course you are the only one who knows what you need.

Number One advice on here - do what is good for you.

PASSAGEWEST

Your words make alot of sense. I have to say, it is confusing stuff. Last night he was wonderful, we did grocery shopping, but then he disappeared outside for 45 minutes, smoking hash. I am not th type to go out there and say what ya doing honey. I am immensely sad though, he is getting worse...

got to run,
take care everyone, see ya later