Damaged82

I've been reading post after post and I never thought in a million years that so many people would be able to say all the things I've been feeling and thinking for years on end. Finally, a place where I can relate to other people, not have people pity me and just not understand. It's such a relief when you can just vent and know that the people reading just "get" it. My dad was a bad alcoholic and I'm still bitter about that, but he did quit, shortly before he passed away. I had gotten over all of that, my bitterness and hatred for alcohol until I moved across the country, first time on my own, 1100 mi. away from friends and family to be with my b/f. And I didn't know until he just became this monster, then his family began to share drunken stories and I realized I was back where I started. The same bitterness and hatred of the sort was brought right back. It's always the same thing, and I feel like his parent more than his g/f. It's been 1.5 yrs. of this. My mother and sister help me out a bunch, being as they've been in very similar, if not worse, situations. I hear similarities in behavior and it frightens me that it will always come back to the drinking. It's excuse after excuse. He screams and yells the worst imaginable words and leaves. Leaves me sitting in an empty house with his hatred echoing in my ears, wanting to just die b/c he always uses what I tell him in confidence. Fears, hopes, dreams, self insecurities...he says what ever he has to where ever he has to, in front of as many people as possible to have the last word and to make himself feel justified. It drives me crazy, then he apologizes does what he can to come back to me...like an idiot, I take him back thinking, "that'll learn him" maybe he'll realize how much I love him...If I can take him back after he did all those things, maybe he'll quit. Or try harder. I keep telling myself, one more...let me find one more...and he's gone. He's so outta' my life. Suddenly, I crumble and fear that if I tell him to go b/c of drinking, (especially if he was drunk) he'd do what he could to screw me over. He's tried the whole "if you leave me, there's nothing to live for and I'll just kill myself. " then he leaves for hours and hours dragging his whole family through an up and down drama. We even talk about splitting up, maybe it'd be best...but then I think about all the fun we do have and how he's really my best friend. When he's sober, he's the most wonderful man. I think that's where I'm struggling. He's so amazing and kind hearted and sincere, but then I find another empty bottle in the car and begin to hear the lies all over again and my heart breaks. I feel weak. I need strength to know what's right. I'm so frustrated b/c it feels like so much work to keep tabs on him and to make sure he's not ruinning his or our lives...AND I gotta' keep myself on track. ((If you knew me, you'd know why that's tough)). Sorry about the novel. Thanks for putting up with it. And thanks for the wonderful board. I think I'm gonna' try to catch some local meetings around here, this board made me realize that all it can do is help me. **Hugz all around** ~Damaged~

jojo

Welcome aboard -

We all know how you feel and it sure does feel good to get those feelings out in a nice safe place. I can feel how torn you are. How can someone that you love act that way? They don't really behave that way because of us. They behave that way because they are sick and take it out on us. You need to take care of yourself and I was glad to hear that you are planning on attending Alanon. It should help you alot to be with other people who understand what you are feeling and to learn the Alanon program. It can either help you to stay with him or to go because you will get a better sense of what you need. That is number one - what you need. He will drink with you or without you. His threats of suicide will be there with you or without you. Take care of yourself and keep coming back.

Jo

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Damaged.

Welcome to the recovery forums. I'm glad you're already looking for meetings. Your story echos a lot that are told here. I think you already know that trying to keep tabs on him is useless. He's going to do what he's going to do. And I don't think you need to be told what's right... I have an idea that what you need is strength to act on what you already know is right. You can start finding that strength in alanon and with the rest of us here.

Hugs,
Smoke

Eryn

You and I sing a similar song. My alcoholic ex-fiance is the most wonderful man I've ever met when he is sober. And he is sober "most" of the time. But every few months, he'd drink and scare the hell outta me.....he has pancreatitis as a result from a suicide attempt, and drinking can kill him or send him in the hospital again. I was not well schooled on how to deal with a drunk and would go nuts, often resulting in him driving off, making me crazy with worry well into he night and calling his family panicked. The wedding was 3 months away, and I just called it off. Is it killing me? God, yes. I love him to pieces. and everyone tells me that i was so *smart* and *brave* to get out when I did. Doesn't feel like that, but part of me knows that all my caretaking and secret keeping was enabling him to stay on the destructive path. Since the breakup, he has lost his job and wound up in the ER once. It took every ounce of effort for me to not try and take him back, though I WANT TO SO BAD. They are great when they are sober, but the hell they put us through tarnishes that. If you are going to stay with him, please do what I did not. Learn that detatchment that protects you when the craziness ensues. All of my happiness, sadness, well-being in general was tied to my ex's. I am trying to learn how to focus on myself now, and it is extremely hard. Being torn between the demon he is when he's drunk and the man you love is hellish. I wish you all the best and stay true to yourself. Eryn

Damaged82

Thanks guys. It means the world to me for you to welcome me in so warmly and to share with me our similarities. It is a lot easier when you KNOW you're not nucking futs b/c you can't control someone else's irate behavior. And, Eryn...thanks for telling me that. It's so hard. I feel like a bad person for being mad at him when he drinks b/c when he doesn't, he is so sweet and loving and attentive...he just slips up pretty bad once in a while and it drags me down too. Not just emotionally, but financially, physically, etc. I know you know what I mean. I wish I could give you all a big hug. Take care of Yourselves ~Damaged