silkspin

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie here, have posted on a few threads but haven't started my own to share my story. I feel that I need some support right about now.

We met in school 13 years ago and it was party time all the time. I think back then he did control it. But it wasn't an issue for either of us. Fast forward to 2001 when we married. This is when my own drinking began to moderate, and 'inklings' of the problem started to happen. We still had a rich social life but more often I'd be the one taking him home in a drunken state. Among his friends he was always the drunkest guy, but everyone would laugh it off. But it started to bug me. Always the life of the party. Always too drunk by the end of the night. But it still wasn't a huge issue...yet.

After we moved into our house in 2004, it started to really bother me and I started voicing it. I started to grow up. And he kept doing the same thing. Many of his friends were still in that same mindset and there was always stuff going on every weekend. He did start to go out less, but when he did, he's still go way too far. He tried a few group therapy sessions that failed. We have a 15 month old daughter, and it was still the same thing - but because he went out less, he'd drink alone at home.

I don't know if there are 'classes' of A's. He's smart, well educated, ambitious, plays organized sports, does continuing education, has a lot of friends (some that drink a lot too, some that don't). He is the opposite of controlling - always encouraged me to do what I want, cultivate my talents, and has supported me in all of my pursuits. He treats me well and we've had good times. But he also feels like a failure for unrealized dreams in his own life related to school and career. I know that those things are surface and there are deeper issues that make him feel that way. When he drinks it makes him feel self-assured, confident, even cocky. Then after too many, he feels like a failure.

I started al anon 6 months ago and have learned my codie ways and am in active recovery. In the summer we decided to move back to my home city (less expensive) so we could live off his income and I could stay home with our darling daughter. He found a great job and started in December. The plan was to stay with my parents until we sold our house and buy here. But things finally got to me. He did go to a meeting, got a big book but was still not 'acting' as in recovery. After a few drinking episodes I had enough and told him we have to separate. Because we're tied to our house financially, I asked him to move into my parent's basement bedroom.

This is where we're at now. I'm concentrating on me and my daughter, and he hasn't drank since I asked him to separate, about a month. But my parents live in the burbs, he takes the train, lots of snow, not a lot of temptation. He went to 2-3 meetings the first few weeks, then only one last week (-30, wasn't feeling well, whatever). He says he's been reading the big book and bought a few books on children of alcoholics. I've been brutally honest about how I feel, the hurts, that the relationship is in the toilet at this point and he says he's committed to sobriety, but it still feels half-hearted somehow. Has anyone else had a similar situation? I don't want to minimize his efforts but in other stories here about recovery the A 'throws' themselves into it. He has told me that he still is having trouble buying into the HP thing (he has a science background) but is open to having it be something non-religious, like our daughter. I want to feel hopeful, but instead I feel like I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop and then that'll be it.

Thanks for reading.

jaguarpcb

Silkspin,

Your situation sounds similar to mine, except we don't have children and I'm the breadwinner. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 9, and up until last summer we both enjoyed too much drink and too much pot. I could always take it or leave it, I drank and smoked more out of boredom than anything, but for him it isn't so easy. Last summer after a binge he decided no more liquor, and we got rid of all the liquor and only drank beer and wine. Last week he made the mistake, after a few beers, of having a very big very strong drink at the bar he was having lunch at. We're now both coming out of our denial about the whole situation.....as much as we'd both like to believe he could control it if he just tried harder, we're finding it's time to admit that he can't.

And that realization has made all the difference in how I feel about this. I see him really believing that he can't control it, and taking steps to ensure his sobriety. He's got a week now and I couldn't be prouder!

My husband can't get into AA either, but he knew he needed support, so he went looking and found this place. He's been working the secular 12 steps and taking all the support he can find here. There are a couple folders here for secular recovery your husband may find helpful in the "Special Interest Groups" section of the forums here.

Thanks to the F&F part of this site I'm beginning to see my own codependent tendencies and realize how much work I have to do on myself. I'm not quite ready for Alanon yet, but I'm keeping an open mind about it.

If your husband is open to it, I'd direct him to this forum. There is just so much support here.

Take care!
-Judi

ToughChoices

Thanks for sharing your story, and welcome to the forum!

I had a few thoughts when reading over your post:

1.) I am very familiar with the struggle to find a HP - I have experienced my own struggle in this regard, and my husband uses his lack of belief to explain/excuse his opposition to AA. We've also had several conversations about what he could possibly "use" for a higher power: our family, the group, the universe, etc.... Looking back, I consider the time that I spent trying to help him find a HP as time that I wasted. His relationship with a HP is his to own - NOT mine. I feel that my attempts to help him in this regard resulted in an unhealthy enmeshment in his affairs.

*As a side note - my AH, during a family visit at rehab, told me that he knew he was powerless over alcohol when he'd convinced himself to use our family (myself and our small son) as his HP and, very shortly after, found himself fantasizing that DS and I would die in a tragic accident. He figured, if his HP died, no one would blame him for drinking. This is the sickness, the twisted insanity of alcoholism.

2.) I like to suggest that newcomers keep soberrecovery.com a safe, secret place for themselves. Friends and family need a place to seek advice, to vent and cry and fret without fear of their A finding out. I found this site by googling something simple like "alcoholic husband" - if my AH wanted a recovery board to help him through his struggle with addiction he could very easily google something similar and end up in the alcoholism forum a few links up. Just something to consider.

Keep posting and reading! I am so glad that you're here with us!

-TC

inahaze

I can relate to your situation, I met my husband 13 years ago while I was in high school. We drank and partied, my husband could be described much like yours. The only kicker is that mine was/is verbally abusive, manipulative and physically abusive(pushing, shoving type of things), this started within a week or two of being married.

I have to say that I'm somewhat reluctant to buy into the "I'm all better bit". Mine has slowed his drinking, stopped for almost 1.5 years at one point, stopped drinking around us, etc... He's promised he wouldn't lose his family over it all and would quit and say he was sorry. Needless to say things always went back to the way they were. He now normally drinks at home 4 nights a week, sometimes drunk, sometimes not. I still feel the same, if not worse about us.

Years of bad behavior and trust cannot be fixed in weeks and really can't be fixed by him saying I'm okay.

I have to say to trust your instincts and listen more to your inner voice than your heart. It's fine to still care about him, we all do, but you have to come first and sooner or later you'll feel better and more confident in your decisions.

silkspin

Thanks everyone. ToughChoices, thanks for sharing on the HP stuff. He hasn't asked me to find it for him, and nor am I trying; he's only talked to me about how he feels about stuff he's hearing in the meetings. Someone in his group said he uses his 2 kids, that's why he brought that up. But that fantasizing bit - that's scary.

inahaze - this is where I am too. Things are different this time, as in I followed through with asking to separate, and have point blank told him that this is serious for me and there is no going back. He has done more than in the past, but you're right. My inner voice is not convinced. But I'm not budging anyway. We're still getting along, taking care of our daughter, and we went for a date night on Sat, but I am strong on staying separated. I guess that my heart just wants this to be the moment where he gets it and we'll all live happily ever after but I must understand that it could be wishful thinking. Anyhow, I'm reading, meditating, going to meetings, busy with 2 courses, the house sale and move, so plenty to keep me going along my path. I'm trying to hold on to what Al anon is teaching me - to have faith that what will happen is supposed to happen. But it's gut-wrenching.

ICant

hello silkspin. My husband is similar to yours. Me wanting to leave him prompted him to give up drinking completely and go to AA. He has now admitted he is an alcoholic but is not actively in recovery. He thinks the steps and the concept of the higher power is b***s**t. It still is early days for him. None the less, his behaviour is improving although he still is what I consider to be a dry drunk.

I have to be very careful to keep from saying, "You aren't doing it right." His recovery is not my battle. I suffer from depression so I have had years of therapy to help me deal with problems and even so, I am still unlearning unhealthy behaviours by going to Al-Anon. He has dealt with his problems since his teens by hitting the bottle. His emotional age is a teenager. He now has to learn to be an adult and it isn't going to happen overnight. Quite frankly, it may never happen. He may never get more insight from AA than beyond the realisation that there are others like himself.

It all depends on what you are willing to tolerate. I can handle most of the negative things he says because I can choose not to believe them. He complains about the state of the house, I can either agree or disagree. And even if I agree, it doesn't mean I have to clean it to his schedule or his standard. He complains that we have run out of a grocery item. In the 'good old days' I used to hop in the car straight away and buy some more. Now I am not upset at myself for running out so I say, "if it is really important to you, you can buy some." No sarcasm intended, I am just trying to be easy on myself. A lot of the stress I had in the marriage was self inflicted because I was trying so hard to be perfect. I don't need to be perfect anymore. I can love myself as is.

His sobriety is one day at a time and I am taking my marriage, one day at a time. I don't think in terms of forever anymore. I'm open to progress not perfection from the both of us. I'm no saint and I've had codie relapses where I have gotten angry and lost it, but they are getting less. If he was to relapse and drink??? I don't know, I'll deal with it at the time. One thing I'm holding firm on is that I cannot go back to seeing another round of watching his disease progress from a couple of drinks to getting drunk regularly and I will be long gone before that happens.

silkspin

Thanks ICant, that was very well said and echoes my thoughts exactly. I told him the other night when we had a discussion, that regardless of how the future holds out, I will not go back to what even was a month ago - feel that I've already progressed miles beyond that. I am trying to do exactly as you put it - one day at a time (it's hard though not to project sometimes!!!)

I too tried to be perfect, and to make him into what I wanted him to be. I realize through al anon how detrimental a contribution I made to where we are today and I'm actively working on it. And so this is why, although I have doubts about his recovery, I know I have to step back and let him work it out, whatever that looks like. If the result is someone I can live with then we'll see about next steps like couples counseling.

I guess I'm 'lucky' in the fact that he doesn't exhibit dry drunk behaviours - that's why I've questioned types of A's, because unless it's a weekend he's totally 'normal' - goes to work, comes home, plays with baby, dinner, bed at 10. He has a thirst for school and knowledge, organizes his own volleyball team, has a lot of good friends and will give them the world (although a bit too much of a people pleaser) and helps around the house/does his own laundry, cleans etc. So for a long time I wondered if I was crazy to think he was actually an A. But I suppose it comes with all faces. But despite all the good, the booze just wouldn't go away, and as I said before, started to 'stain' our relationship through and through. He often says that he tries to do so much, and I've told him that I appreciate all the good, but that the booze has clouded over all the good like a bad thunderstorm. I too think that he's like a teenager in many ways emotionally, and I agree that I don't know if it'll ever change. Thanks for your insights.