Blondie

It's been a week now since I left my AH. It's interesting taking stock and looking back at my situation in the marriage and wondering how I put up with it for so long. I guess it's like the frog in boiling water analogy.

AH is now working extra jobs and overtime to try and pay off the massive credit card bill that he incurred over the past few years while drinking and "fooling around" with his "friends" (mostly female I might add) like an overgrown teenager out of control. He keeps complaining about how hard it is and keeps telling me that he hasn't had a drink since the night I left. We've been here before and it is all talk I know. He has decided that it is to expensive to go to a psychiatrist (like he promised because there is a problem with mental illness throughout his family) but I'm sure his health insurance will pay for some of it and he has yet to go to the promised AA meeting (they are free of course but he "just can't find the time"). I am not listening to his words, but watching his actions and recognize the pattern. He told my oldest son that he will leave the house and move in with his parents so that the kids don't have to have their routine messed up. Has yet to even pack one bag.

I'm not buying it this time. Actions speak louder then words and he is telling me everything I want to hear, but is not backing it up with action. I also have a sense that he is acting like a teenage boy who is being punished but who knows that when everything is "back to normal" he can pick up where he left off until next time. Sad.

I am finding that when I do go to the house to pick up a few things that he can't seem to take care of anything including himself (OK, well he feeds the cat but I did clean the litter box for the sake of the poor cat who didn't have anyplace in it left to relieve herself - oh, man what a stink). When I do go I don't clean or anything and am letting him take care of himself for a change. Good grief, I've never seen a 43 year old man act so helpless. The house smells so bad and the freezer in crammed with TV dinners and the counter is littered with receipts from fast food places.

As for me, I'm going to my meetings, praying, and spending time with our boys (which is what I usually do anyway - and I really enjoy it because they are growing up so fast). I'm also taking care of my elderly mother who is having a rough time after my stepfather passed away a few weeks ago. She had to be hospitalized for diverticulitis (sp?) for about three days and has now had a reaction to the antibiotics they prescribed for her after she left the hospital. We are seeing how things go with the new prescription. I am finding that I am stronger then I thought I was and am dealing with things the best I can. I am finding time to do the things I've needed to do for a long time. I finally went to the cardiologist and she said I sounded fine but she scheduled a stress test and some other test to make sure. Could be stress or hormones she said, but she wants to find the cause of the arrhytimias. I think it is stress because I haven't had hardly any at all since I left AH.

By not focusing on my AH at all, I've found my mind free and clear to think about my future without him. Now I can see that I could really make it without him and have found that by not focusing on him so much, I'm more relaxed and can think a lot more clearer. Life is more realistic now, not perfect (never is), but a lot more saner. Amazing.

Barbara52

Good for you! I hope you continue to find your way in peace and serenity.


Sounds just like my xAH after I left. He managed to stop drinking for a tad less than 2 months right after I left (no AA or anything though). As soon as I told him it was over and I was filing for divorce, he went back to his old ways.