I lied!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
I lied!
A while back I told you guys that I lied to him.
Last week, he called me and left a text message on my cell. It said "Now or never, I am not mad at you" he was looking for me , he wanted to come to me.
Than he called me all night long demanding to know where his son was. He said he will get a lawyer and they can force me to tell him. He said he wants to take the baby and raise him himself.
He said all kind of stuff. I paniced! Totally lost it. I have been under so much stress and haven't had a moment of silence with all this drama.
I lied and told him I had a misscarriage. Yes I did! That is my lie. I feel awful shame about it. I haven't stop thinking about it at all. I spoke with my pastor, confessed and prayed.
I had to do what I had to do to protect my son. He is so tiny. Yes he has rights, I want him to have them. Right now his life is so messed up , so bad I just don't want him around my son with all this stress.
Am I making sense to anyone here? I feel so bad so totally ashamed. I felt at the time I had no other choice. I felt it will get him of my case and he move on.
He called me back the next day and left me a message saying he forgave me and he is not mad. That we will work together on the trust issues and that he is going ot be there for me.
He asked me to never lie to him again, which I never had before this.
Did I make a mistake? was it wrong of me? Yes I lied I know that is so so wrong:-(.
I paniced under the pressure, I lost it and all I thought of was protecting my baby boy and I still feel this way.
Now what? I do not know!
All I know is here and now and for the time being I feel that I have to do whatever it takes to make sure my baby is ok.
He is coming home soon and I want him to have a relaxed not stressed out mom and a loving life that I am so eager to give to him.
It took a lot for me to post this on here because I just feel this shame about it.
This man has put me through so much, granted I allowed it until I left and in some ways I still allow his manipulations.
I just don't feel he will be responsible with all this going on in hislife. He can;t even take care of him, how will he take care of my son?
My mind is going so fast, all this stuff in it.
I get angry sometimes, he lied to me, he did all these bad things to me and I have always been right thereby his side , always loving him.
As you can see thisis heavy on my mind and I don't know what to do now. I feel llike doing nothing and just live my life and raise my son.
I want to tell him so bad because in my heart I know it is wrong. I believe I did what I had to for now so that I can concentrate on what is so important, my son.
I like input and don't hold back. I come here because I get it as is and that is what I like.
Last week, he called me and left a text message on my cell. It said "Now or never, I am not mad at you" he was looking for me , he wanted to come to me.
Than he called me all night long demanding to know where his son was. He said he will get a lawyer and they can force me to tell him. He said he wants to take the baby and raise him himself.
He said all kind of stuff. I paniced! Totally lost it. I have been under so much stress and haven't had a moment of silence with all this drama.
I lied and told him I had a misscarriage. Yes I did! That is my lie. I feel awful shame about it. I haven't stop thinking about it at all. I spoke with my pastor, confessed and prayed.
I had to do what I had to do to protect my son. He is so tiny. Yes he has rights, I want him to have them. Right now his life is so messed up , so bad I just don't want him around my son with all this stress.
Am I making sense to anyone here? I feel so bad so totally ashamed. I felt at the time I had no other choice. I felt it will get him of my case and he move on.
He called me back the next day and left me a message saying he forgave me and he is not mad. That we will work together on the trust issues and that he is going ot be there for me.
He asked me to never lie to him again, which I never had before this.
Did I make a mistake? was it wrong of me? Yes I lied I know that is so so wrong:-(.
I paniced under the pressure, I lost it and all I thought of was protecting my baby boy and I still feel this way.
Now what? I do not know!
All I know is here and now and for the time being I feel that I have to do whatever it takes to make sure my baby is ok.
He is coming home soon and I want him to have a relaxed not stressed out mom and a loving life that I am so eager to give to him.
It took a lot for me to post this on here because I just feel this shame about it.
This man has put me through so much, granted I allowed it until I left and in some ways I still allow his manipulations.
I just don't feel he will be responsible with all this going on in hislife. He can;t even take care of him, how will he take care of my son?
My mind is going so fast, all this stuff in it.
I get angry sometimes, he lied to me, he did all these bad things to me and I have always been right thereby his side , always loving him.
As you can see thisis heavy on my mind and I don't know what to do now. I feel llike doing nothing and just live my life and raise my son.
I want to tell him so bad because in my heart I know it is wrong. I believe I did what I had to for now so that I can concentrate on what is so important, my son.
I like input and don't hold back. I come here because I get it as is and that is what I like.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Now, PW....
It is not normally an okay thing to kill another person. But when it happens because the the latter was imperilling the life of the former... we call that self defense. It's acceptable under man's law. I like to think it's acceptable under God's law, too.
The jerk was threatening you. You responded in self defense. Let go. You did not wrong an innocent.
Hugs,
Smoke
It is not normally an okay thing to kill another person. But when it happens because the the latter was imperilling the life of the former... we call that self defense. It's acceptable under man's law. I like to think it's acceptable under God's law, too.
The jerk was threatening you. You responded in self defense. Let go. You did not wrong an innocent.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Gosh PW,
I feel for you! Going thru all of this stress. I dont know why they throw the whole, " I want custody" BS up in our face. It is very typical and predictable though..... try not to freak too much here. So what if you lied! Granted telling the truth is usually a better choice, but you did what you thought was best at the time. If you have to right your wrong then so be it but for the time being, you just let it go! Say your prayers and ask for some guidance and inner peace. I know when I was first gone from my A, I felt horrible guilt for the smallest lies. They were lies to keep myself safe too, but I felt so bad. I would think of it night and day, and then I would think of how I would admit it and then after conjuring up what I thought his response would be to the lies, I had all of my excuses lined up. It is a sick game we play with ourselves! The fact of the matter is you dont owe him explanations. You dont have to give him every detail of who and what you are doing now. You owe him nothing! Try not to get sucked into the sickness, our sickness. We thrive on the chaos and do not know how to live without it so at times we create it so that we are in a comfortably uncomfortable place. Alchoholic/addicts strive for physical sobriety, anons strive for emotional sobriety. Do what you have to in order to make this right, let it go, and move on. Dont get sucked in. You owe baby and yourself so much more than that! Recognize when you are falling into the trap of YOUR sickness, and do everything in your power to stop it right then! We just dont have to live like that anymore!
LG
I feel for you! Going thru all of this stress. I dont know why they throw the whole, " I want custody" BS up in our face. It is very typical and predictable though..... try not to freak too much here. So what if you lied! Granted telling the truth is usually a better choice, but you did what you thought was best at the time. If you have to right your wrong then so be it but for the time being, you just let it go! Say your prayers and ask for some guidance and inner peace. I know when I was first gone from my A, I felt horrible guilt for the smallest lies. They were lies to keep myself safe too, but I felt so bad. I would think of it night and day, and then I would think of how I would admit it and then after conjuring up what I thought his response would be to the lies, I had all of my excuses lined up. It is a sick game we play with ourselves! The fact of the matter is you dont owe him explanations. You dont have to give him every detail of who and what you are doing now. You owe him nothing! Try not to get sucked into the sickness, our sickness. We thrive on the chaos and do not know how to live without it so at times we create it so that we are in a comfortably uncomfortable place. Alchoholic/addicts strive for physical sobriety, anons strive for emotional sobriety. Do what you have to in order to make this right, let it go, and move on. Dont get sucked in. You owe baby and yourself so much more than that! Recognize when you are falling into the trap of YOUR sickness, and do everything in your power to stop it right then! We just dont have to live like that anymore!
LG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
PW
Okay, you asked for input and I know you know that I say all this with love in my heart....
The lie was to protect the child - forgivable under anyone's law.
But your issue and problem is so much bigger than the lie.
As long as you choose to communicate with him, he will continue to ask questions and will surely discover the truth. He's being a manipulative bully and I do believe that your life and the life of your child is better without any manipulative bullies in the picture.
He isn't going to change any time soon. You can either accept him exactly as he is right now, or you can choose to move on with your life without him. Let go of the "what if's" and "if only's" and just face the reality of how things really are.
And finally, you need legal protection. You can't just spend your life hiding the baby. You need legal protection for your own peace of mind and for the safety of both you and the baby. Legally, right now, he could take the baby and run. You don't have to live in that fear, but you have to do your part to see that it doesn't happen.
The only person who can change here is you. You have work to do if you want to give your baby a peaceful happy safe home.
Take a deep breath and step away from the drama. Get legal advice and take action. And above all, keep yourself and the baby safe.
Hugs
Ann
Okay, you asked for input and I know you know that I say all this with love in my heart....
The lie was to protect the child - forgivable under anyone's law.
But your issue and problem is so much bigger than the lie.
As long as you choose to communicate with him, he will continue to ask questions and will surely discover the truth. He's being a manipulative bully and I do believe that your life and the life of your child is better without any manipulative bullies in the picture.
He isn't going to change any time soon. You can either accept him exactly as he is right now, or you can choose to move on with your life without him. Let go of the "what if's" and "if only's" and just face the reality of how things really are.
And finally, you need legal protection. You can't just spend your life hiding the baby. You need legal protection for your own peace of mind and for the safety of both you and the baby. Legally, right now, he could take the baby and run. You don't have to live in that fear, but you have to do your part to see that it doesn't happen.
The only person who can change here is you. You have work to do if you want to give your baby a peaceful happy safe home.
Take a deep breath and step away from the drama. Get legal advice and take action. And above all, keep yourself and the baby safe.
Hugs
Ann
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
THANK YOU1
All of you are right! I am going to continue working on me and I will stay away from him for good. He will not pull me in again.
I love you guys! Thank oyu from my heart. All of this is good advice.
God Bless
I love you guys! Thank oyu from my heart. All of this is good advice.
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
If his name is on that baby's birth certificate he has as much legal right to the child as you do. You need an attorney and you need to gain legal custody. Under the present circumstances no court will grant him parental priviledges until he is sober. Find a GOOD lawyer and lay it in the hands of a judge. Do it now though because lying to him will also become an issue in the court.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
I agree with Ann, as usual! I would contact an attorney and find out what his rights are regarding the baby and protect yourself.
As far as his threats, what would he do with a baby? Take it home to his parents? No judge in the world would award custody to someone in his situation. I'm just afraid that your telling him that you had a miscarriage could come back and hurt you in the future. He might be able to use that against you.
You have advised many others to do what you have done and leave their alcoholic but you have never really left him emotionally. Until you do, you will continue to live with this terrible turmoil. Like Ann said, either accept him the way he is or move on so that you can gain some sanity in your life.
Whatever your decision, you will feel much better when you have taken the proper steps to protect your son. Are you still planning on returning to Germany and if so, will it be for vacation or a permanent move? You might want to mention that to your attorney to see if that will be an issue regarding visitation rights of the baby's father. Try not to let all the emotional issues cloud your thinking. Talk to a professional and get some sound advice so that you can get on the road to some peace and sanity. You and your baby will both benefit from it. Take care of yourself and know that we all care about you.
Jo
As far as his threats, what would he do with a baby? Take it home to his parents? No judge in the world would award custody to someone in his situation. I'm just afraid that your telling him that you had a miscarriage could come back and hurt you in the future. He might be able to use that against you.
You have advised many others to do what you have done and leave their alcoholic but you have never really left him emotionally. Until you do, you will continue to live with this terrible turmoil. Like Ann said, either accept him the way he is or move on so that you can gain some sanity in your life.
Whatever your decision, you will feel much better when you have taken the proper steps to protect your son. Are you still planning on returning to Germany and if so, will it be for vacation or a permanent move? You might want to mention that to your attorney to see if that will be an issue regarding visitation rights of the baby's father. Try not to let all the emotional issues cloud your thinking. Talk to a professional and get some sound advice so that you can get on the road to some peace and sanity. You and your baby will both benefit from it. Take care of yourself and know that we all care about you.
Jo
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
what if
Hmmmm. Are there other ways he can find out, family, friends? I know this is probably politically incorrect, ha, but why not just move away? Take your baby and really start over? People do it all the time. "Distance" works great at reducing the aggravation from drunks. Then work on yourself, whatever you need to do, with the luxury of some peace, quiet, and safety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hiya
Yes that is true. I removed myself from it but not all emotionally. I realized this after what happened yesterday. So I have to work on this.
I was very angry today at the situation yesterday . The bottom line is that I put myself in it so therefore I take full responsibility on my part.
I am going to get legal advice this week and see what is what:-)
You guys really are wonderful, thank you so much from my heart!
I was very angry today at the situation yesterday . The bottom line is that I put myself in it so therefore I take full responsibility on my part.
I am going to get legal advice this week and see what is what:-)
You guys really are wonderful, thank you so much from my heart!
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