Language of Letting Go - Jan. 26 - Off The Hook
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Jan. 26 - Off The Hook
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Off The Hook
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Off The Hook
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hooks, like Red Flags, can be spotted when our recovery is in place and we have the clarity to see it for what it is.
I know that for me, it wasn't that I didn't want to help, it wasn't that I didn't care with all my heart...it was that Hooks were a way of "using" me, taking advantage of my kind heart by pushing any number of buttons...the fear button, the guilt button, the button that made me think I was in control...so many buttons.
We often say that when we knew better, we did better. When we learned to recognize hooks and to set boundaries to protect ourselves from being manipulated or used, we did better.
Hugs
I know that for me, it wasn't that I didn't want to help, it wasn't that I didn't care with all my heart...it was that Hooks were a way of "using" me, taking advantage of my kind heart by pushing any number of buttons...the fear button, the guilt button, the button that made me think I was in control...so many buttons.
Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
Hugs
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
It has taken me years to heal and to relearn healthy patterns of behavior in my relationships. Because I am a codie, I continue to take inventory in my relationships, ever watchful for the hooks, to keep my garden free of weeds. Working my program allows me the authentic experiences that I create and deserve....hugs, Grateful
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I almost went for a hook today. Someone I care about hinted about something we had talked out months ago...but without actually stating the issue...Sighing and starting a sentence, then an oh never mind, it will work itself out in time. I started to feel guilty and bad that the this event still bothered the person (despite the fact that the "issue" existed nowhere but in this person's head.) But before I bit down, my recovery tools spoke to me...I don't own this problem...for me it is no problem since it doesn't exist. We discussed it once before and there is nothing more to say. I can't control another's thoughts and feelings; just make sure my side of the street is clean. Since I knew it was clean, I could let this go.
I love recovery! I know I would have fretted and obsessed about this for hours or days not so very long ago.
I love recovery! I know I would have fretted and obsessed about this for hours or days not so very long ago.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Oh Ann...***Sigh*** Nevermind...
Just kidding. I'm a sucker for those hooks but learning. My daughter used to be the best at hooking me, but my AS has passed her and left her in the dust. I will pay closer attention from now on.
Thanks for this
Just kidding. I'm a sucker for those hooks but learning. My daughter used to be the best at hooking me, but my AS has passed her and left her in the dust. I will pay closer attention from now on.
Thanks for this
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
CeCe, my daughter is , and has been the great hook in my life..with my mother a close second..lol
wow,...what a teacher and holy cow, have I learned a lot! I still have to work so hard to stay clear...but it has made me a 'much' better person, if I do say so myself
wow,...what a teacher and holy cow, have I learned a lot! I still have to work so hard to stay clear...but it has made me a 'much' better person, if I do say so myself
Last edited by grateful2b; 01-26-2009 at 08:25 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Oh, I almost fell for a hook from my exabf yesterday: He told me, "You said that we could still be friends when you broke up with me. What happened to that friendship? A friend would come hang out with me now. I just want to see you as a friend."
When I told him that I didn't want to be on bad terms, wanted to stay friendly, all I meant was that I wasn't going to say anything nasty about him (we are in the same 12-step fellowship and have a lot of friends in common) but he is using that ending statement as a hook to try to drag me back in.
I called my sponsor for help on dealing with it. She just told me to stop answering the phone. Seems easy, right? Why didn't I think of that? I guess that's why we need a sponsor, huh?
KJ
When I told him that I didn't want to be on bad terms, wanted to stay friendly, all I meant was that I wasn't going to say anything nasty about him (we are in the same 12-step fellowship and have a lot of friends in common) but he is using that ending statement as a hook to try to drag me back in.
I called my sponsor for help on dealing with it. She just told me to stop answering the phone. Seems easy, right? Why didn't I think of that? I guess that's why we need a sponsor, huh?
KJ
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
CeCe, my daughter is , and has been the great hook in my life..with my mother a close second..lol
wow,...what a teacher and holy cow, have I learned a lot! I still have to work so hard to stay clear...but it has made me a 'much' better person, if I do say so myself
wow,...what a teacher and holy cow, have I learned a lot! I still have to work so hard to stay clear...but it has made me a 'much' better person, if I do say so myself
"
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by greeteachday
But before I bit down, my recovery tools spoke to me...I don't own this problem...for me it is no problem since it doesn't exist. We discussed it once before and there is nothing more to say. I can't control another's thoughts and feelings; just make sure my side of the street is clean. Since I knew it was clean, I could let this go.
I love recovery! I know I would have fretted and obsessed about this for hours or days not so very long ago.
I love recovery! I know I would have fretted and obsessed about this for hours or days not so very long ago.
I too could fret for days about something that upset someone I cared about...until I realized that I was fretting way more and way longer than they every thought of fretting. By the time I got back to them with "MY solution", they were usually long past the crisis and on to something new.
How freeing it is to keep my side of the street clean and have time to just take care of myself.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I think I am starting to get this. Here is an example... clue me in if I am making progress ...
Have a friend who owns a business. Unfortunately, she is better at what she does in the business than she is at running a business. She often will tell me about a particular mess she has gotten into. Since I do have a good head for finance and business, I would ofter offer to help, want to jump in and help her save the business, spend time thinking of ideas to bail her out, send me information, suggestions, etc.
Often these this advice went unheeded and/or she allowed me to show her, help her and then did nothing to follow through with the work. I would feel terrible that she was still failing or not willing to help herself. Meanwhile, she is going about her day to day life and living with the chaos. Leading to another.... "you aren't going to believe what happened this time...." and then me thinking I had to come up with a way to help.
Now, I listen and if appropriate I will say, "let me know if there is something I can do to help". I don't spend my energy thinking of ways to save her, I don't feel guilty that I am not doing it. If she asks, I will be right there to help... but she needs to initiate it, not just tell me her woes and I jump it.
So, am I getting it???? Hard to recognize progress sometimes and then all of the sudden a lightbulb goes off.... ok, so I do feel a bit guilty for not getting sucked in sometimes, but at least I don't take the hook.
Have a friend who owns a business. Unfortunately, she is better at what she does in the business than she is at running a business. She often will tell me about a particular mess she has gotten into. Since I do have a good head for finance and business, I would ofter offer to help, want to jump in and help her save the business, spend time thinking of ideas to bail her out, send me information, suggestions, etc.
Often these this advice went unheeded and/or she allowed me to show her, help her and then did nothing to follow through with the work. I would feel terrible that she was still failing or not willing to help herself. Meanwhile, she is going about her day to day life and living with the chaos. Leading to another.... "you aren't going to believe what happened this time...." and then me thinking I had to come up with a way to help.
Now, I listen and if appropriate I will say, "let me know if there is something I can do to help". I don't spend my energy thinking of ways to save her, I don't feel guilty that I am not doing it. If she asks, I will be right there to help... but she needs to initiate it, not just tell me her woes and I jump it.
So, am I getting it???? Hard to recognize progress sometimes and then all of the sudden a lightbulb goes off.... ok, so I do feel a bit guilty for not getting sucked in sometimes, but at least I don't take the hook.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
If she asks, I will be right there to help... but she needs to initiate it, not just tell me her woes and I jump it.
You can provide the advice, words of wisdom, etc...but let her implement...and as you said, let her be the one thinking about this, not you.I use the "say it once" philosophy (another of the great recovery tools everyone has shared with me) Saying it once is offering advice; repeatedly is trying to control the person or situation.
Great job!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Now, I listen and if appropriate I will say, "let me know if there is something I can do to help". I don't spend my energy thinking of ways to save her, I don't feel guilty that I am not doing it.
And by the way, I very much relate to your situation. As a Codie Accountant I was just terrific at taking over and "fixing" other people's businesses and then watched in horror as they didn't follow through or do what I suggested.
LOL, I DO love my life today, free of all that chaos.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
