The light is on..but am I home?

Old 01-26-2009, 01:53 PM
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The light is on..but am I home?

I was just reading Calli's thread..sorry to hear what happened to you. Here I am happy for my ex-abf and thinking maybe his time in his program will make a difference. I read the others who comment on how loved ones get a good amount of clean time under their belt, and then decide to pick up again. Over and over. A friend of mine has a son (33), who just relapsed after 7 years (doc heroin) and saturday night he abducted and kidnapped a 17yr old boy on his way home from work, stole everything he had on him, even his winter coat and dumped the kid off on the side of the road. He's looking @ 20 years in jail now. all because of a relapse. OMG...boy am I in deinal about my ex ever being able to kick this. We've been in contact almost everyday, and its nice to see him clean and trying to live life on lifes terms but what's gonna happen after the 18 months he is court ordered to stay clean? I thought he might be able to do it with this program and then I hear these stories (harsh but true reality) and it makes me so sad. I feel like he might never be able to put this behind him. It hurts. At least I know he has to be sober for the 18 months but even if he makes it pass that...he could go years and years and then one day just snap. I know this is what you guys are always trying to tell me. The light is on, maybe I just wasn't home. I am so distraught. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 01-26-2009, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Alaia View Post
I read the others who comment on how loved ones get a good amount of clean time under their belt, and then decide to pick up again. Over and over.
It's easy to get swept up in the emotion of addiction, the roller coaster of recovery and relapse.

The truth is that some addicts recover for LIFE,
Some addicts find sobriety for short periods of time,
And some addicts chase their drug until the day they die.

I cannot know which course my loved one will take - no one can. But I can look at the evidence in front of me, with clear and honest eyes and make plans that are in my best interest given that evidence.

Active addiction is sad. Relapse is sad, but recovery happens everyday.

Take care.
-TC
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Old 01-26-2009, 03:08 PM
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I smell what you are stepping in girl...

My AH has 90 days and just today he got a sponsor... I'm still cautiously optimistic.. Why? Because I have been down this road before,, I watched him get clean for a little while last year, get a sponsor and then he just picked up and used again .. Maybe this time will be different, maybe this time it wont.. who knows.. the only thing I can do is work on myself and stay out of his way..
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Old 01-26-2009, 03:48 PM
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It's easy to get swept up in the emotion of addiction, the roller coaster of recovery and relapse.
This is so true. I must focus on myself so that no matter what happens, I will be ok. It's kind of like writing a living will. Always be prepared. It's just how I must live when I my life involves an addict.

It's important to remember that, just because an addict chooses to relapse, it doesn't mean I have to.

It's about protecting me and my family. It's about taking responsibility and not waiting for someone to save me, especially an addict who can't even save himeself.
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Old 01-26-2009, 07:48 PM
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I think some of your thoughts are one reason why our recovery program, just like the addict's is one day at a time. Looking at the future - trying to predict what will happen - it's just overwhelming. So we can take pleasure in each day and let things roll as they will. The more I work on me, the more comfortable I am in today.

I'm really sorry about your friend's son. How very sad.

Hugs.
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Old 01-27-2009, 01:10 AM
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(((Alaia)))

I totally understand your thinking. Even though I'm a recovering addict, I don't know that I would get into a relationship with another RA.

However, I also know that relationships end for many, many reasons. Of all the people I know, who have been divorced, at one time or another, addiction is a very rare cause. People grow apart, they cheat, they split up or financial or other stresses.

Yes, we A's are A's for life, and yes, there will always be a risk of relapse. However, we can live a life where that risk is extremely minimal.

You could leave this man, meet another man, have a wonderful life and 10 years down the road HE becomes an A. Most A's start younger, but not all. I'm in my 40's and just discovered crack a few years ago.

I'm sorry if my post only makes you more confused about whether you want to stay in this relationship or not. When I can't decide, in a situation like this, I have to figure out if the good is good enough to endure some possible heartbreak in the future, or am I just looking to fill a void.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-27-2009, 07:11 AM
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Alaia - I'm proud of you because this sounds like you are starting to look past the emotions and trying to face reality. I see in your words that the wall of denial is breaking down.

Some people do get clean some people dont. There's no way you can know at this point what will happen with yours- all you can do is decide where you want to go from here and how you can keep yourself out of the addict's circle. My personal wish for you is that you find peace, security, and happiness within your self.
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