Living a lie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Attica, MI
Posts: 465
Living a lie
I've come to this forum in honesty. I've been honest with my wife of 10 years (2nd and last marriage). I've been honest with myself for almost 2 years, I've known I have a problem. To most everyone else, even my closest friends and family, I have been a living lie for many years. My skeleton closet is full of booze with a few scattered other "bones" among the reckage.
Although I've kept up with responsibilities in most areas of life, I've not done justice to them.
I go to work and do a decent job, 19 years at the same place. But I didn't give what I could have because of booze. I have 2 kids that I've brought up and givin them what I could give but it has always been 2nd or 3rd rate because of booze. I've been faithful to my wife but had an affair with the bottle. I'm an ordained minister in a community church and teach others God's word. They don't know I am an alcoholic, and I'm scared to tell them, I'm scared to show them this weakness. Everything I've done has been 2nd rate at best, except for my ability to consume.
I've been a liar for almost 27 years. I drink alone 99% of the time, don't have people in my circle that drink much. I want this time in my life to be the beginning of truth. I am tired of the lie.
I've noticed alot of folks here drink with others, or in public, socially, does anyone hide it from almost everybody in their life? I'm curious.
Trasparency here....my name is Jon by the way. Masseyman is what some call me cause I collect old Massey Ferguson snowmobiles and I actually like farming on the side.
Although I've kept up with responsibilities in most areas of life, I've not done justice to them.
I go to work and do a decent job, 19 years at the same place. But I didn't give what I could have because of booze. I have 2 kids that I've brought up and givin them what I could give but it has always been 2nd or 3rd rate because of booze. I've been faithful to my wife but had an affair with the bottle. I'm an ordained minister in a community church and teach others God's word. They don't know I am an alcoholic, and I'm scared to tell them, I'm scared to show them this weakness. Everything I've done has been 2nd rate at best, except for my ability to consume.
I've been a liar for almost 27 years. I drink alone 99% of the time, don't have people in my circle that drink much. I want this time in my life to be the beginning of truth. I am tired of the lie.
I've noticed alot of folks here drink with others, or in public, socially, does anyone hide it from almost everybody in their life? I'm curious.
Trasparency here....my name is Jon by the way. Masseyman is what some call me cause I collect old Massey Ferguson snowmobiles and I actually like farming on the side.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Jon,
I definitely hid my drinking and only ever drank at home, alone. During the last year or so, I was not very good at hiding it from my family, but I continued to try.
I also have found honesty to be very important in recovery. I try to be honest with myself and with others. But, that doesn't mean that I tell people that I am an alcoholic. Other than my family and the people here at SR, I have told very few people about my drinking. I don't feel that it's dishonest in any way and it maintains boundaries in my life, for myself. There are still many misconceptions about alcoholics.
I definitely hid my drinking and only ever drank at home, alone. During the last year or so, I was not very good at hiding it from my family, but I continued to try.
I also have found honesty to be very important in recovery. I try to be honest with myself and with others. But, that doesn't mean that I tell people that I am an alcoholic. Other than my family and the people here at SR, I have told very few people about my drinking. I don't feel that it's dishonest in any way and it maintains boundaries in my life, for myself. There are still many misconceptions about alcoholics.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Hey Jon,
Although I am only 2 days in, I do relate to your post. I went to a new church the other day and the priest there was talking about his alcoholism during his sermon......I looked around the church and it was obvious it was not the first time as people seemed unaffected. I thought it was awesome. He even joked about the bottles calling to him in the grocery store! His brutal honestly impressed me....
My dad has no idea what kind of problem I have. Neither does my brother and that's all I have. I drink alone most of the time. I don't do the bar scene so when I do drink with friends, it is at a restaurant. But for me, it got to the point here lately I have been too scared to drive and getting a DUI. So........I sit in front of the computer and on the phone and drink.......way too much. Then it starts all over again the next day. Hence my username.........when I did have a boyfriend, I would stash beer in my closet or wait till he took a nap and then pounded a few so he would not notice.......but in the end, I think he really did........I also believe it ended us. But as hard as that all is to swallow, there is absolutely nothing I can do about my past.......I can only work with this day forth. Beating yourself up accomplishes nothing. Forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness if you need to and move forward. Make a difference with your family now! Hope this helps a little......
Although I am only 2 days in, I do relate to your post. I went to a new church the other day and the priest there was talking about his alcoholism during his sermon......I looked around the church and it was obvious it was not the first time as people seemed unaffected. I thought it was awesome. He even joked about the bottles calling to him in the grocery store! His brutal honestly impressed me....
My dad has no idea what kind of problem I have. Neither does my brother and that's all I have. I drink alone most of the time. I don't do the bar scene so when I do drink with friends, it is at a restaurant. But for me, it got to the point here lately I have been too scared to drive and getting a DUI. So........I sit in front of the computer and on the phone and drink.......way too much. Then it starts all over again the next day. Hence my username.........when I did have a boyfriend, I would stash beer in my closet or wait till he took a nap and then pounded a few so he would not notice.......but in the end, I think he really did........I also believe it ended us. But as hard as that all is to swallow, there is absolutely nothing I can do about my past.......I can only work with this day forth. Beating yourself up accomplishes nothing. Forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness if you need to and move forward. Make a difference with your family now! Hope this helps a little......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hi jon.......welcome to this site...firstly you are amongst friends..
Secondly thankyou for your honesty.
This is a major step forward for you.....and a significant one.
It must be an huge relief for you to talk honestly with another alcoholic.
Yes there was a time when i kept my drinking secret but along time ago.
My life unraveled and then everyone knew i was a drunk.
To me it isnt relative HOW we drink.........bottom line is we all end up in complete despair.
BUT there is a solution...and im not gonna tell you its easy because sometimes its gonna be uncomfortable.
Youve already made the first step by getting honest with all of us.
I would suggest that the next step would be to see your doctor.
Stopping drinking can be and is dangerous..........so get advice.
Then if it were me id talk to my wife........and set a date to stop.
Then i would immerse myself with as much support as i can get..
Try AA.........keep sharing here.........get a sponsor.
But for now keep it simple......and take it easy.
You are welcome to pm me if it helps and im sure most of us will tell you the same.
God be with you my friend........................trucker
Secondly thankyou for your honesty.
This is a major step forward for you.....and a significant one.
It must be an huge relief for you to talk honestly with another alcoholic.
Yes there was a time when i kept my drinking secret but along time ago.
My life unraveled and then everyone knew i was a drunk.
To me it isnt relative HOW we drink.........bottom line is we all end up in complete despair.
BUT there is a solution...and im not gonna tell you its easy because sometimes its gonna be uncomfortable.
Youve already made the first step by getting honest with all of us.
I would suggest that the next step would be to see your doctor.
Stopping drinking can be and is dangerous..........so get advice.
Then if it were me id talk to my wife........and set a date to stop.
Then i would immerse myself with as much support as i can get..
Try AA.........keep sharing here.........get a sponsor.
But for now keep it simple......and take it easy.
You are welcome to pm me if it helps and im sure most of us will tell you the same.
God be with you my friend........................trucker
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
Hey Jon, I can say that the more and more I drank, the more I did it hone alone. I really didnt want to have to explain to anyone else why I already drank a case and thought I wanted more. I also would rather by myself falling down stairs and being a sloppy drunk. Who else could judge me then? The answer is my wife and kids. To be honest, I even thought I was hiding it, but you never really are. People know when others have been drinking. It is sometimes impossible to hide the puffy eyes and face, the red eyes, the slowed enthusiasm for life and work. IMO, now that you are being truthful to your self, you can be truthful to those close to you. I have found more people will wish you the best and wish they can follow in your footsteps than not. Be strong, and keep posting here. It will mean a world of difference.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont drink. But my drug addiction told on me before I ever had the chance.
Now as I am attempting recovery. Just about anyone who matters already knows. The good..the bad the ugly and also my struggle to make it. Anyone who doesnt know. Doesnt need to.
I am not sure if you are referring to the church people knowing about your drinking. I am not a church goer.
But I say whoever you choose to know. Then thats on you to decide. If they matter they will understand. If they dont understand. Then they dont matter.
Actions speak louder than words in this case I would say. And I say that referring to staying sober.
Good Luck.
Now as I am attempting recovery. Just about anyone who matters already knows. The good..the bad the ugly and also my struggle to make it. Anyone who doesnt know. Doesnt need to.
I am not sure if you are referring to the church people knowing about your drinking. I am not a church goer.
But I say whoever you choose to know. Then thats on you to decide. If they matter they will understand. If they dont understand. Then they dont matter.
Actions speak louder than words in this case I would say. And I say that referring to staying sober.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey Jon - Thanks for the honesty. I always drank alone ( at home, after the kids went to bed, husband working a lot of night shifts ) and hid it from everyone I knew. It turned out, as I got sober and got honest, I wasn't hiding it as successfully as I thought I was, but that isn't the point.
As for being honest with people, take it slow. No need for a community announcement, IMO, you will know in your heart who needs to know and who doesn't. Take the time to figure that out.
BTW - I'm a farmer too!
Best wishes & glad you joined us!
Jomey
As for being honest with people, take it slow. No need for a community announcement, IMO, you will know in your heart who needs to know and who doesn't. Take the time to figure that out.
BTW - I'm a farmer too!
Best wishes & glad you joined us!
Jomey
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Hi Jon,
Thank you for your honesty. You are most definitely not alone. I too was living a lie. Sure, I drank in front of and with people... I just made sure they only saw me drink an "acceptable" amount. I had a hidden stash of booze in my dresser and I'd run in my room and pour vodka in my Diet Coke - or just take a few swigs right from the bottle if I thought I didn't have time to carefully pour. I'd have a beer with dinner in front of my husband and that's all he'd see me drink, yet I'd be sloppy drunk by the time 8:30 rolled around. He didn't understand WTF was going on. He was the closest one to it all and even he couldn't figure it out, so of course no one else had ANY idea. Most of them still don't; I've only told 2 others.
I have to tell you, Jon, it's a relief. It's a huge relief not having to live that way anymore. I don't miss it AT ALL and I wonder how on earth I kept it up for as long as I did. I'm just now starting to learn how badly I hurt my husband and children and it's breaking my heart. I don't ever want to go back there ever again.
If you're a minister then you should be more than familiar with the concept of forgiveness, both from God and from others. Try not to be too hard on yourself and learn to forgive yourself. I'm still working on that one so I'm not one to talk... but I understand that that's an important part of the process.
I look forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you for your honesty. You are most definitely not alone. I too was living a lie. Sure, I drank in front of and with people... I just made sure they only saw me drink an "acceptable" amount. I had a hidden stash of booze in my dresser and I'd run in my room and pour vodka in my Diet Coke - or just take a few swigs right from the bottle if I thought I didn't have time to carefully pour. I'd have a beer with dinner in front of my husband and that's all he'd see me drink, yet I'd be sloppy drunk by the time 8:30 rolled around. He didn't understand WTF was going on. He was the closest one to it all and even he couldn't figure it out, so of course no one else had ANY idea. Most of them still don't; I've only told 2 others.
I have to tell you, Jon, it's a relief. It's a huge relief not having to live that way anymore. I don't miss it AT ALL and I wonder how on earth I kept it up for as long as I did. I'm just now starting to learn how badly I hurt my husband and children and it's breaking my heart. I don't ever want to go back there ever again.
If you're a minister then you should be more than familiar with the concept of forgiveness, both from God and from others. Try not to be too hard on yourself and learn to forgive yourself. I'm still working on that one so I'm not one to talk... but I understand that that's an important part of the process.
I look forward to hearing more from you.
huh?
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 42
All this talk about the farm makes me homesick. I can't think of better work for someone recovering. Of course, with the temp being 73 degress where I am now it's easy to forget that it's only 10 back home in Nebraska and not much going on unless you have livestock. Brrr.
Oh yeah, I hid. It was ridiculous and tragic. Hiding it from the other adults in my house was really pointless, unless you bumped into one of them slurring drunk or while hauling out your daily kitchen bag full of empties. That was embarrassing.
The tragic part was when I tried to hide it from my son when I had visitation.
"God, why couldn't I have just had the wisdom to stop during those times??"
He got good at sneaking up on me. And I got good at passing out so he didn't have to.
It's threads like this that are a daily reminder of just how much better sobriety is and will be. Thank you.
Day 11.
Oh yeah, I hid. It was ridiculous and tragic. Hiding it from the other adults in my house was really pointless, unless you bumped into one of them slurring drunk or while hauling out your daily kitchen bag full of empties. That was embarrassing.
The tragic part was when I tried to hide it from my son when I had visitation.
"God, why couldn't I have just had the wisdom to stop during those times??"
He got good at sneaking up on me. And I got good at passing out so he didn't have to.
It's threads like this that are a daily reminder of just how much better sobriety is and will be. Thank you.
Day 11.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
Hello & Welcome!
First I am so glad you found this place, it has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Not sure how I landed here, but thankfully I did. I'm glad you were guided here too!
I think many of us can relate. I'm so glad your wife is supportive. And wonderful that you are ready to be honest enough to live well!
Hope you find tons of wonderful advise & friends here!
~Jules
First I am so glad you found this place, it has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Not sure how I landed here, but thankfully I did. I'm glad you were guided here too!
I think many of us can relate. I'm so glad your wife is supportive. And wonderful that you are ready to be honest enough to live well!
Hope you find tons of wonderful advise & friends here!
~Jules
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome Jon! As far as telling anyone... I'd do it on a 'need to know' principle. If they don't need to know, I wouldn't tell them. As you stay sober your life will change for the better. People will notice that your health is better or your attitude or whatever. But you don't have to make any big announcements to a crowd of people.
I always drank at home alone too. I was hiding it from my kids (teens) but they knew all about it anyway.
Just get sober for your own sake and your relationships with friends and family are bound to improve.
I'm glad you found us!:ghug3 Welcome to the family!
I always drank at home alone too. I was hiding it from my kids (teens) but they knew all about it anyway.
Just get sober for your own sake and your relationships with friends and family are bound to improve.
I'm glad you found us!:ghug3 Welcome to the family!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Hi Masseyman, my name is Felicia. Like others who have posted before me, I warn you about telling too many people about your addiction. It is your and your wife's business, no one else's. Everyone will see you improve at everything, at work, at home, at church, and they will just think that you have found the fountain of youth or something! You really dont need to anyone about it that you dont want to. I told people at work that I was an alkie and it didnt turn out well 
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Attica, MI
Posts: 465
Been away from the computer since I posted this thread, went to my youngest son's basketball game tonight. We lost but it was a good one. He's a senior so it's are last go around with high school sports this year...gonna miss it.
Thank you all for lending an ear and some sage advice as well.
Thank you chiynita for "If they matter they will understand. If they dont understand. Then they dont matter." Your right on there. Its just another glaring concern I have for the people that look to me for guidance and such. I'm suppose to be a "rock" someone who is not perfect but none the less not contolled by substance. It's just a tough part of my life that I will deal with when I'm better, when I'm ready I suppose.
I agree no one has to know that doesn't care for me for who I am. Pastors and church folk are some of the biggest closet abusers of drugs and booze. We're all just people. Forgiveness is something I do know about and try to practice, I guess in my weakness I am more worried about perception than anything since being a hypocrite seems to be worse than being a murderer these days. Although I don't think I fall into that category because I work real hard not to judge others weaknesses, we're all weak in some way shape or form, I know that from experience.
I counsel people, I teach people, and I try to help make others better to help them forgive. Seems as though I have been forgetting about myself for quite some time though.
Thanks so much for everyones words, they do help. I think this forum is really something I'm suppose to be a part of.
Seems like there is a few others here that have the farm in their veins too. I like that, it's good for the soul. Nothin like chokin back some hay dust on a 90 deg muggy Michigan day I say.
Thank you all for lending an ear and some sage advice as well.
Thank you chiynita for "If they matter they will understand. If they dont understand. Then they dont matter." Your right on there. Its just another glaring concern I have for the people that look to me for guidance and such. I'm suppose to be a "rock" someone who is not perfect but none the less not contolled by substance. It's just a tough part of my life that I will deal with when I'm better, when I'm ready I suppose.
I agree no one has to know that doesn't care for me for who I am. Pastors and church folk are some of the biggest closet abusers of drugs and booze. We're all just people. Forgiveness is something I do know about and try to practice, I guess in my weakness I am more worried about perception than anything since being a hypocrite seems to be worse than being a murderer these days. Although I don't think I fall into that category because I work real hard not to judge others weaknesses, we're all weak in some way shape or form, I know that from experience.
I counsel people, I teach people, and I try to help make others better to help them forgive. Seems as though I have been forgetting about myself for quite some time though.
Thanks so much for everyones words, they do help. I think this forum is really something I'm suppose to be a part of.
Seems like there is a few others here that have the farm in their veins too. I like that, it's good for the soul. Nothin like chokin back some hay dust on a 90 deg muggy Michigan day I say.
JTinStLouis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 115
Jon,
I know exactly how you feel, I have done the same over time. I worked a good career, but did not give it what I could have, I made myself look and feel better then I did. I too spent a lot of time giving my drinking life all kinds of attn and time. I would completely glamourize the life that I lead to those around me. I also drank at home alone often as I would choose to isolate myself from others for many reasons. I have been sober a little over 3 months and have come clean on many things in my life and continue to live my life being honest with myself first (which helps a ton) and carrying on the same with with others, I find this to me much more peaceful and all kinds of easier in the long run, and yes I actually sleep at night unmedicated.....yes jon you are on a new a different path, one that I hope you will find you enjoy as well.
JT
I know exactly how you feel, I have done the same over time. I worked a good career, but did not give it what I could have, I made myself look and feel better then I did. I too spent a lot of time giving my drinking life all kinds of attn and time. I would completely glamourize the life that I lead to those around me. I also drank at home alone often as I would choose to isolate myself from others for many reasons. I have been sober a little over 3 months and have come clean on many things in my life and continue to live my life being honest with myself first (which helps a ton) and carrying on the same with with others, I find this to me much more peaceful and all kinds of easier in the long run, and yes I actually sleep at night unmedicated.....yes jon you are on a new a different path, one that I hope you will find you enjoy as well.
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Attica, MI
Posts: 465
Good word Johnothan1964, congratulations on 3 months.
Sleeping 'naturally' is very new to me, and it's starting to work out. I haven't woke up with the Gobi desert in my mouth for a week. That's a good thing.
Thanks all for posting on this thread.
Sleeping 'naturally' is very new to me, and it's starting to work out. I haven't woke up with the Gobi desert in my mouth for a week. That's a good thing.
Thanks all for posting on this thread.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by masseyman 
Although I've kept up with responsibilities in most areas of life, I've not done justice to them.
Most of my drinking was alone, sometimes actually in the closet (a big one, plenty of places to hide the bottle...).
Your posts have really resonated with me...
Mark
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