New Here...Confused & Empty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southwest VA
Posts: 3
New Here...Confused & Empty
I think I posted this in the wrong thread earlier...so I thought I'd repost here 
I stumbled onto SR today and it looks like a great, supportive place to be.
My fiance entered detox on 1/13...was released on 1/16...and started drinking again on 1/17. He's already lied about buying alcohol...and he's even already resorted to hiding it from me. I'm left wondering why he even went into the detox program in the first place...I'm sad...I'm angry....I'm confused.
He says he is going to "control" it now that he has "shaken the dependancy of the vodka and Xanax...And just drink a few beers or glasses of wine on the weekends. He says he feels the alcohol problem was intensified by the
7+ years of taking a doctor prescribed Xanax every morning. And he wants to see if he can drink in moderation now that the Xanax is not a factor. I'm just floored by his thought process. He tells me I'm overreacting.
He doesn't want sex anymore, he's already hiding beer in the house, he's lying, he doesn't seem to have even "tried" since he left detox, he won't go to any meetings...and I'm left wondering where I fit into all of this?
I want to be supportive, but all I can feel right now is resentment and sadness.
Well, that's it in a nutshell. Hope to find some ideas or thoughts here on how to deal with all of this.
I stumbled onto SR today and it looks like a great, supportive place to be.
My fiance entered detox on 1/13...was released on 1/16...and started drinking again on 1/17. He's already lied about buying alcohol...and he's even already resorted to hiding it from me. I'm left wondering why he even went into the detox program in the first place...I'm sad...I'm angry....I'm confused.
He says he is going to "control" it now that he has "shaken the dependancy of the vodka and Xanax...And just drink a few beers or glasses of wine on the weekends. He says he feels the alcohol problem was intensified by the
7+ years of taking a doctor prescribed Xanax every morning. And he wants to see if he can drink in moderation now that the Xanax is not a factor. I'm just floored by his thought process. He tells me I'm overreacting.
He doesn't want sex anymore, he's already hiding beer in the house, he's lying, he doesn't seem to have even "tried" since he left detox, he won't go to any meetings...and I'm left wondering where I fit into all of this?
I want to be supportive, but all I can feel right now is resentment and sadness.
Well, that's it in a nutshell. Hope to find some ideas or thoughts here on how to deal with all of this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR. I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but please know there is much good information here, and people willing to share their experiences.
Trying to understand the thought processes of an alcoholic is futile. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, which means it only gets worse, never better. You are already seeing this with the lies, hiding the beer, not wanting sex anymore, etc.
Please read the stickies at the top of this forum and educate yourself on alcoholism. I would also suggest checking into Alanon in your area. Alanon will help you to focus on yourself and not get completely sucked into his insanity, which is what happens to those of us who love an alcoholic if we don't have recovery for ourselves (I was married to one, and have two alcoholic daughters).
Keep posting, and again, welcome. :ghug
Trying to understand the thought processes of an alcoholic is futile. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, which means it only gets worse, never better. You are already seeing this with the lies, hiding the beer, not wanting sex anymore, etc.
Please read the stickies at the top of this forum and educate yourself on alcoholism. I would also suggest checking into Alanon in your area. Alanon will help you to focus on yourself and not get completely sucked into his insanity, which is what happens to those of us who love an alcoholic if we don't have recovery for ourselves (I was married to one, and have two alcoholic daughters).
Keep posting, and again, welcome. :ghug
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
>>I want to be supportive, but all I can feel right now is resentment and sadness. >>
What do you think it means to be supportive in your situation?
What resentments and sadness are you feeling?
Now how will you be supportive in your situation?
What do you think it means to be supportive in your situation?
What resentments and sadness are you feeling?
Now how will you be supportive in your situation?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I'm so glad you're here. You will find support, understanding, and education in every thread. I'm new to recovery myself, and it is an uphill battle every day to stay focused on my own well being.
I know those feelings you have. My alcoholic boyfriend has gone through countless bouts of binges and declarations to moderate his drinking. It make no difference. It always ends up the same way. He lies, manipulates, apologizes, pleads, yells, and throws things anything to keep drinking and justify it.
My disbelief over how he could do this and how he can treat everyone in his life this way, has left me confused and empty, too.
You are not alone.
Keep posting!!
I know those feelings you have. My alcoholic boyfriend has gone through countless bouts of binges and declarations to moderate his drinking. It make no difference. It always ends up the same way. He lies, manipulates, apologizes, pleads, yells, and throws things anything to keep drinking and justify it.
My disbelief over how he could do this and how he can treat everyone in his life this way, has left me confused and empty, too.
You are not alone.
Keep posting!!
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi GrayDawg and welcome. I am a newcomer to this forum as well. My abf used the same argument on me regarding regarding abusing Xanax and pain meds (and alcohol in the past) that he wasn't under control before, but now he is. Apparently he wasn't TRYING to control it before. lol. Yes, because I ALWAYS let my life get totally out of control voluntarily. As I've been told, he CANNOT control it. "He can not take them only on certain days, at certain times or only while standing on his head" etc. But he is certainly trying. And the crazy thing is that he thinks he's succeeding! I am not attempting to be supportive as there is nothing to support. I will support him when/if he admits that he does not have control and finally chooses a recovery program. You wonder where you fit into this? You don't. This is his problem. As I've been told around here already lots of times, you need to worry about YOU first. This place has really opened my eyes. Lots of great people who know what they heck they are talking about. I've been reading all kinds of posts both old and new and it has been a tremendous help. Hang in there and make sure you worry about YOU too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. This is a great place to learn and to get support for you. Keep reading and posting.
It's hard to be supportive of someone who apparently isn't willing to help himself. You cannot change him or control him or cure him. Only he can choose to do that.
You can learn about alcholism and how it can affect you.
I would be thinking real hard about whether or not I want to enter into marriage with an active alcoholic.
Originally Posted by GrayDawg 
I want to be supportive,
You can learn about alcholism and how it can affect you.
I would be thinking real hard about whether or not I want to enter into marriage with an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi GrayDawg. Welcome to SR.
You have received some great replies and I can't add much to what has been shared except to say that I have found regular attendance in Al-Anon to be a real eye-opening I've been there myself and still feel that way sometimes; the difference now is that I have learned new ways to act and react. Sometimes I am astounded at the choices and changes in myself; and it's so good to know that there is hope for better days and a better way to live.
As we say in the meetings: "Keep coming back. It works if you work it."
You have received some great replies and I can't add much to what has been shared except to say that I have found regular attendance in Al-Anon to be a real eye-opening
and life saving experience.
but all I can feel right now is resentment and sadness
but all I can feel right now is resentment and sadness
As we say in the meetings: "Keep coming back. It works if you work it."
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR GrayDawg, you have found agreat place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).
And I have some Ocean Front Property in Arizona I would like to sell you, roflmao
The best way to 'be supportive' is take care of YOU.
IMHO it sounds like your fiancee is STILL IN DENIAL.
Yep DENIAL. No you are not over reacting.
Please remember that all he did was a 'moderate' detox to get some of the toxins out of his system. Without personal work on one's self through a 'recovery program' of some kind or due diligence all you have is the same person without some chemicals in them. The same convoluted thinking, the same false reality, etc.
Please find some AlAnon meetings in your area. I would suggest you try at least 6 different meetings to find one or two where you feel a teeny bit comfortable. AlAnon will be great for you to learn about you, really learn the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
and
You can't CURE it.
Learn how to set your own boundaries and keep them, AND find some folks who have gone through or are going through what you are now. Great face to face support.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
He says he is going to "control" it now that he has "shaken the dependancy of the vodka and Xanax...And just drink a few beers or glasses of wine on the weekends. He says he feels the alcohol problem was intensified by the
7+ years of taking a doctor prescribed Xanax every morning.
7+ years of taking a doctor prescribed Xanax every morning.
The best way to 'be supportive' is take care of YOU.
IMHO it sounds like your fiancee is STILL IN DENIAL.
He says he feels the alcohol problem was intensified by the
7+ years of taking a doctor prescribed Xanax every morning. And he wants to see if he can drink in moderation now that the Xanax is not a factor. I'm just floored by his thought process. He tells me I'm overreacting.
7+ years of taking a doctor prescribed Xanax every morning. And he wants to see if he can drink in moderation now that the Xanax is not a factor. I'm just floored by his thought process. He tells me I'm overreacting.
Please remember that all he did was a 'moderate' detox to get some of the toxins out of his system. Without personal work on one's self through a 'recovery program' of some kind or due diligence all you have is the same person without some chemicals in them. The same convoluted thinking, the same false reality, etc.
Please find some AlAnon meetings in your area. I would suggest you try at least 6 different meetings to find one or two where you feel a teeny bit comfortable. AlAnon will be great for you to learn about you, really learn the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
and
You can't CURE it.
Learn how to set your own boundaries and keep them, AND find some folks who have gone through or are going through what you are now. Great face to face support.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
GD,
My stbXAH is counts himself a success because he can now drink in "moderation". It was confusing to me because I wanted to be supportive, but most of the negative impacts of alcohol on me and our relationship still remained.
The following passage from Ch.3 of BB provided me with immediate clarity. Maybe it will shed some light for you, too??
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
Hang in there. Take good care of *yourself* first! This is a really tough road.
TH
My stbXAH is counts himself a success because he can now drink in "moderation". It was confusing to me because I wanted to be supportive, but most of the negative impacts of alcohol on me and our relationship still remained.
The following passage from Ch.3 of BB provided me with immediate clarity. Maybe it will shed some light for you, too??
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
Hang in there. Take good care of *yourself* first! This is a really tough road.
TH
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
