"You're a stranger right now"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"You're a stranger right now"
That's what I told my daughter tonight. Today was my birthday and my daughter was nowhere around. She stayed over at her bf's last night and called here at 6pm tonight. No biggie, I told her dinner was on the stove and she said she was on her way home. Still, she never showed up.
When she finally called about 15 minutes ago, still at the bf's house, I was very calm and allowed my heart to speak. I said she wasn't acting like a part of our family, a member of our home. That I don't recognize this person right now, she seems like a stranger, and I don't want a stranger in my home.
I asked her not to come back here until she can make a commitment towards this family and home. I told her I loved her and to please take good care of herself. Then I hung up.
I have no idea when I'll see her next. It may be tonight or it may be ten years from now. It may never be again for all I know. I have no idea if she's relapsed or if she's just got rampaging hormones. I'm not letting my mind go there, I'm only focusing on this day. All I do know is that respect is expected in my home and today it wasn't given.
I felt so calm and proud of myself. I've earned respect and I know it, so who better to stand up for me than myself? Now I'm going to say my prayers that she does the next right thing, whatever it may be.
When she finally called about 15 minutes ago, still at the bf's house, I was very calm and allowed my heart to speak. I said she wasn't acting like a part of our family, a member of our home. That I don't recognize this person right now, she seems like a stranger, and I don't want a stranger in my home.
I asked her not to come back here until she can make a commitment towards this family and home. I told her I loved her and to please take good care of herself. Then I hung up.
I have no idea when I'll see her next. It may be tonight or it may be ten years from now. It may never be again for all I know. I have no idea if she's relapsed or if she's just got rampaging hormones. I'm not letting my mind go there, I'm only focusing on this day. All I do know is that respect is expected in my home and today it wasn't given.
I felt so calm and proud of myself. I've earned respect and I know it, so who better to stand up for me than myself? Now I'm going to say my prayers that she does the next right thing, whatever it may be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Sounds kind of trite, but I wanted to wish you happy birthday. (Seriously!) I'm really sorry that your daughter didn't come home and celebrate it with you. Disappointing, whether it is, as you say, a relapse or a just hormones. Either way, respect is what you deserve, and I think you've done well in enforcing your boundaries, and good for you for being able to do so calmly and rationally. Well done! Fingers crossed and all good wishes that your daughter gets herself sorted out quickly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
:ghug :ghug
May I wish you a happy birthday very late in the day, dear lady?
I do understand the stranger thing. That is pretty much where it is at anymore with my oldest AD.
I know I gave birth to her, but really that's it.
She's been lost to her addictions for years.
We do deserve respect in our homes.
May I wish you a happy birthday very late in the day, dear lady?
I do understand the stranger thing. That is pretty much where it is at anymore with my oldest AD.
I know I gave birth to her, but really that's it.
She's been lost to her addictions for years.
We do deserve respect in our homes.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We know we can't let our kids determine our happiness but they can disappoint us.
When our kids are using or selfish we learn to give up expectations.
Sounds like you have done this.
Change is always a given. For now, if your daughter only brings you down, space may be the best.
When our kids are using or selfish we learn to give up expectations.
Sounds like you have done this.
Change is always a given. For now, if your daughter only brings you down, space may be the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you and I did enjoy a pleasant birthday. It was a very relaxing day and my husband and son were here. They cooked breakfast and dinner for me, brownies too since that's what I wanted instead of cake. Quite a few family and friends called me, and invitations to go out but I asked for rain checks.
The more people reached out, the more it highlighted the one person who didn't. At the end of the evening I knew I couldn't ignore or excuse it. I thought about letting it go until tomorrow but knew if I did, I'd be giving up an opportunity to enforce my boundaries. That's how I got into this mess in the first place.
When my daughter was active in her addiction I allowed so much bad behavior. Shoot, I allowed it long before then, too. I sacrificed my dignity but it's something I can no longer do.
Last year on my birthday is when she decided to stop using. I'll always remember that day with gratitude, it was the first step towards her regaining her dignity. This year I regained a bit of my dignity, too, and I can't think of a better day to do it
The more people reached out, the more it highlighted the one person who didn't. At the end of the evening I knew I couldn't ignore or excuse it. I thought about letting it go until tomorrow but knew if I did, I'd be giving up an opportunity to enforce my boundaries. That's how I got into this mess in the first place.
When my daughter was active in her addiction I allowed so much bad behavior. Shoot, I allowed it long before then, too. I sacrificed my dignity but it's something I can no longer do.
Last year on my birthday is when she decided to stop using. I'll always remember that day with gratitude, it was the first step towards her regaining her dignity. This year I regained a bit of my dignity, too, and I can't think of a better day to do it
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chino)))
I'm sorry I'm late, but a belated happy birthday to you.
I'm sorry you're daughter is being a stranger. I think of a time when I was very selfish, before I became an addict. I thought I was madly in love (I was actually just learning how to be a very good codie). I spent way too much time with HIM and not nearly enough time with my parents. I paid the ultimate price for this, because my mom died while I was with him. We always think we have more time.
I'm glad you have set your boundaries and have done it with such dignity and grace. Not only are you taking care of you, but you are giving your daughter some excellent lessons in respect and what it means to be a part of your family.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry I'm late, but a belated happy birthday to you.
I'm sorry you're daughter is being a stranger. I think of a time when I was very selfish, before I became an addict. I thought I was madly in love (I was actually just learning how to be a very good codie). I spent way too much time with HIM and not nearly enough time with my parents. I paid the ultimate price for this, because my mom died while I was with him. We always think we have more time.
I'm glad you have set your boundaries and have done it with such dignity and grace. Not only are you taking care of you, but you are giving your daughter some excellent lessons in respect and what it means to be a part of your family.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Belated Happy Birthday, Chino. 
It is good to put our boundaries on the table sometimes, and you did it well and with grace.
Just because we cannot make them behave better, doesn't mean that we have to allow their bad behaviour into our lives. That's always been where I draw the line too, we are worthy of respect and do not have to settle for less.
Birthday Hugs
It is good to put our boundaries on the table sometimes, and you did it well and with grace.
Just because we cannot make them behave better, doesn't mean that we have to allow their bad behaviour into our lives. That's always been where I draw the line too, we are worthy of respect and do not have to settle for less.
Birthday Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Happy Belated Birthday. Sending hugs and prayers for you and your daughter. She has shown such strength in overcoming all the bad things that have happened to her and hopefully she will continue to show strength in the future. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just wanted to add that when I told my daughter that she had to leave when she slipped with alcohol, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself and for her. Living at home did not allow her to make her own choices. Now that she is living on her own it is up to her to decide what kind of life she wants and to finance that life herself. It is time for your daughter to live her life too without you having to have that front row seat. Hugs, Marle
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Happy Birthday Chino.
You gave yourself a special gift
I'm with you in regards to the stranger comment. My AS is a stranger to me these days. While it hurts me, it has allowed just enough feelings to hold tighter to my boundaries and detach a bit more.
Hope your day was as special as you.
(((Hugs)))
You gave yourself a special gift
I'm with you in regards to the stranger comment. My AS is a stranger to me these days. While it hurts me, it has allowed just enough feelings to hold tighter to my boundaries and detach a bit more.
Hope your day was as special as you.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Happy Belated Birthday, Chino!
Hugs from another mom whose birthday went unnoticed by her AD.
Wonderful birthday present you gave yourself, that's a present that will keep on giving you pleasure. Respect for self
Hugs from another mom whose birthday went unnoticed by her AD.
Wonderful birthday present you gave yourself, that's a present that will keep on giving you pleasure. Respect for self
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by Chino 
When my daughter was active in her addiction I allowed so much bad behavior. Shoot, I allowed it long before then, too. I sacrificed my dignity but it's something I can no longer do.
This year I regained a bit of my dignity, too, and I can't think of a better day to do it
This year I regained a bit of my dignity, too, and I can't think of a better day to do it
My daughter has missed birthdays, mothers days, and Christmases and I would be so hurt at her selfishness, but, like you I decided to take back my dignity, and my rule is now that if she is using or wrapped up in her world, not to come around, no matter whose birthday it is, no matter the occasion..holidays were such a stress point for me because I didn't know how she would be. so laying that out there has removed any expectation and disappointment and freed me to focus on my life and her on hers. She has a birthday coming up and unless her situation changes, she will be getting a card in the mail and that is all...
Happy Belated Birthday to you, Chino!
and I agree, what a wonderful gift you gave to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you and I have a lot of hope that she'll work through it, whatever it is, and remember she has a family that loves her. She's been really good about apologizing when she screws up and making amends. Even so, I have no expectations about me changing her behavior, it's all about me honoring myself and what family means to me.
I won't lie and tell you I'm perfectly fine, this does hurt a little because I already miss her but I'll work through it. In the grand scheme of things, all that has gone on over the last two years, this is barely a blip on the radar. But I've learned if I don't pay attention to the blips, they end up being meteorites.
Thanks, everyone, for helping me work through this. All of your stories have helped me. There have been so many times when we've said "oh honey, you don't deserve to be treated like that!" Last night I took all your advice and my own.
I won't lie and tell you I'm perfectly fine, this does hurt a little because I already miss her but I'll work through it. In the grand scheme of things, all that has gone on over the last two years, this is barely a blip on the radar. But I've learned if I don't pay attention to the blips, they end up being meteorites.
Thanks, everyone, for helping me work through this. All of your stories have helped me. There have been so many times when we've said "oh honey, you don't deserve to be treated like that!" Last night I took all your advice and my own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Happy Belated birthday Chino. It's so hard to be forgotten by your own but rmember this~~We are in charge of what hurts and what doesn't. The longer we stay lost in thier addictions the more we hurt ourselves. We deserve better than that so treat yourself to something cool this week and pray that your daughter finds her way back to family....Smiles, Bonnie
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Happy belated birthday Chino. Sounds like you said what you meant, meant what you said and didn't say it mean. I would be hurt too, but as you said, little things become huge things if unaddressed. You have not allowed your hurt to become a resentment since you expressed yourself clearly and with such grace to your daughter. Hugs.
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