DII

All,

My AW and I had a huge argument this morning and I wanted some honest feedback. She has been in active alcoholism, treatment and relapse for 5 years now. I decided on divorce about 4 months ago and she is in a recovery home since her last relapse during Thanksgiving. I have my 15 year old sone living with me in our home. My 19 year old was home from college until yesterday. I travel for work and since her latest time out of the house I have had the 15 year old stay with family friends for 1-2 nights that I travel. This past week I needed to travel to a company meeting across country in Orlando for an annual company kickoff meeting. I trusted that the 19 year old would be able to be the man of the house while I was gone. In past separations my AW would stay at home but I don't want her "back" like that anymore. Well, my boys had a party with alcohol and pot! My AW was coming by each afternoon to check on them and found an alcohol receipt and the older one admitted it!

I take some blame....should not have left them.

I told my AW that I thought her alcoholism and the behavior she has shown over the past 5 years play a role in what happened too. She says I blamed her.....well, I guess she could take it that way but I meant that her behavior has affected their behavior. She says that her alcoholism has NOTHING to do with their decision to party, drink, etc. She says that her recovery support including her counselors agree with that. I am a straight arrow, no booze in the house, no parties, hell, if I drink it's one or two at the most!

What do you think? Any connection?

Needless to say I will NOT leave the 15 year old alone EVER now that his brother is back at college.

She also told me it was wrong to tell the boys that they are headed down a path that could lead them the same place as their Mom. I do see her point that I could have made the point better but is it wrong to point out to them that they should think about what they have learned from their Mom's experience? I felt so angry at them that I said things that I could have positioned better but......they need to hear the basic points.

Having a alcoholic Mom and spouse is SOOOO difficult! I find it so hard to balance being understanding of their feelings and not adding to their pain with being a tough parent and....parenting when needed. Sometimes I'm not sure if I am ever doing it with the proper balance.

Thanks for listening!

Freedom1990

Okay, first of all, kudos to you for reaching out for some feedback, and looking at this as a learning experience and you won't leave the 15 year old alone again.

I want to address this:

Quack quack quack. That's my take on what she told you. For an alcoholic in recovery to say that their alcoholism had absolutely no effect on the kids' behavior, well, let's just say she's got a long ways to go, okay.

One of the most painful things I had to go as I progressed in my recovery was to look at the carnage I had created and the residual behaviors I was dealing with when it came to my then only daughter after I had first gotten clean and sober

Unfortunately parenting is a job that doesn't come with a manual. My oldest AD certainly didn't learn from my mistakes, and at almost 31, well let's just not talk about it. She's a mess.

My youngest AD suffered some really tough consequences of poor choices at age 15, ended up in the system, lockup and eventually a very good foster home specifically for high risk teens for a year, was finally released to me at age 17 with a behavioral contract in place, and another year's supervision by the state.

She will be turning 21 this coming June and I am finally beginning to see some maturity in her, and she is making better choices in her life.

I can't give you an easy answer. I know that neither one learned from my mistakes. My youngest AD was born after I had already gone through rehab and was 2 years sober. She was only 2 when I relapsed for 2 months, so she's only known me in recovery.

I think the saying is often true that the kids don't learn from parents' mistakes, honestly.

I know, I'm as helpful as hemorrhoids, aren't I?

peaceteach

Hi DII,

I'll have to say, parenting is the hardest job I've ever had. There is no best way, and most of us just wing it through the especially tough teenage years, hoping we are doing it right. This is true whether we are alcoholic or not, or whether we are married to an A or not. It's just a tough job. And kids will test us. Sounds like you learned after giving them the benefit of the doubt, and they now know what will and will not be allowed in your house.

I have to agree somewhat with your A spouse, that she didn't cause this. I also understand your fears for your sons, and your "need" to warn them of the dangers of following in their mom's footsteps. I've done this with my kids too (I'm divorced from exAH) and I think it's a pretty codie thing to do, but still it's hard to stop yourself as a parent, isn't it?

Don't beat yourself up any more over this, DII. You went for business, they screwed up, you came home and dropped the dad-hammer, and life will go on. Try not to freak out any more. It's life.

kermit

Your son is a 19yr old college student, it is the time of his life right now, unfortunately they tend to "party" Your son made a bad choice to have one whith his little brother in the home. I don't believe that your wife had anything to do with his choice.
Now having said that, I understand the anger that you feel and it is hard not to blame. I believe that people are responsiable for their own choices and to blame someone else for them is a cheep way of not owning your own mistakes.
That's like saying"I'm from a broken home I will not amount to anything" bull, we all have choices, your oldest son made a bad one and hopefully he has learned from it.
Take care and be kind to yourself, being a parent is the toughest job out there!

escape artist

alcoholism is a family disease. the alcohol abuse is a symptom of a deeper problem. therefore, our children have absorbed our behaviors and tendencies, and unless they are familiar with the merry-go-round, they are going to pick up one way or the other. unless of course there is healing for the whole family. our partying society doesn't help us with this matter either.

i have been trying to figure out for myself how when i was in my teens, my non drinking mother would be so angry at Dad because he was out getting drunk again-and i was sitting there drunk as well (unknown to her-I think) not understanding why she would be so mad. I truly did not believe there was anything wrong with what he was doing.

In my adult life i have tried to figure when did i go from the addict to being the codependent?! It sure wasn't fun! When did I go from being the carefree, having fun,everyone else taking care of me....to the over-responsible one who had "control" over everything?

And Damage? I have young girls who lived in the chaos of an alcoholic home and the ensuing divorce and then recovery process (mine)- and as i grew and learned more about recovery, I could see lots of behaviors they would need to unlearn in order to not continue the alcoholic cycle in their lives. The tools of the program i use with them, and they have definitely had lots of hard growth in their young lives. But the basis of the al-anon program (which is the same as the AA program) works. and it works well, and although i do not know what they will choose in their lives, i do know they know the choices they make will always have consequences. As they have seen and felt plenty of the damage from alcoholism, and recovery as well, i trust they will make choices that are healthy for them. we talk about drugs and alcohol as well.
so i guess the best you can do for them is to work on your own recovery- do you go to al-anon?

DII

Thanks to all!

dothi

Let him live and make his own mistakes. If you try to project your (and your AW's) mistakes onto your children, they'll just shut you out and turn a blind eye when they could be watching you. Your son knows the facts, and at this age, he also needs to have your faith in him. I think teenage years are especially tough for most parents because it really is the age where you have to let go, and let them develop into adults. In order to do this, they need room to make mistakes.

I'm not a parent, but I have a brother who is just finishing his teen years (I'm 6 years older). I'm the oldest child (caretaker/hero of the family). I used to say the same thing (along with my mom) that if he doesn't stop now, he could wind up down the same road as AF. The result: he quickly got angry and shut us out. Describing this situation to a therapist I had started seeing, she responded: "It sounds like he wants to be judged for HIS OWN actions."

She was absolutely right. I backed off, and my brother made mistakes. But you know what? He learned those mistakes young, and now that he's an adult, he's much more responsible with alcohol. He still drinks with friends, but it doesn't sound like he goes on benders like he did in his teenage years (which were one-day tops). Sometimes he ignored practical advice (like not planning how to get home), but he also watched his friends making those same mistakes. He learned. And at his own rate. He is definitely not an alcoholic, and will abstain yet still enjoy himself if he's got to drive or work in the morning.

I don't think you need to lockdown on your son. But now that this boundary has been crossed, I do think you should talk to him about what the rules are. He is older now and will be encountering alcohol more frequently with peers (along with *all* kinds of other stuff). You can't control that, so negotiate what is reasonable. For example, will you allow him to drink at a friend's house if a parent is/is not home to supervise?

Also be prepared to bail him out when he makes those mistakes. Watch if it happens again, and let him know that he's crossed a line. Soon he'll know when he's crossed your lines; you won't have to say anything. Leave it at that. Clarify what the rules are and, if necessary, decide on reasonable punishments. But don't take it as an opportunity to lecture. Part of him will still be a child seeking your approval, because you're still his dad. It's a fine balance between control vs keeping the communication open.

That's my preachy two cents. Good luck DII!

dothi

Regarding your AW, seconding what Freedom said.

DII

Found out today that the day after I had the argument with my AW she relapsed and was kicked out of her recovery home. I spoke to a lot of people and I see now that my words were blaming her....I also know I could have handled it better. I was angry at the situation but I was also angry at her and the situation gave me the opportunity to GET angry at her. Not that it isn't a two way street but I can only control myself...and I could have done better. So....does this cause a relapse......i don't think so! But here we are, it's always something that causes it. most people tell me that i have been too nice to her.....I think there's not right way to handle this. I have the codie guilt right now....but I know I didn't cause it.

Thanks for listening...

Amazonqueen522

Thanks for your message it will help me in my recovery...I am a mother of 3 sons who is struggling with staying sober....It does effect everyone involve including the innocent....

Stay strong continue to be the great dad that you are..they will thank you in the future..

Bernadette

I was angry at the situation but I was also angry at her and the situation gave me the opportunity to GET angry at her.

This is very insightful....

peace,
b

splendra

Anytime you put down a child's parent to them you shame the child. So any discussions you have about their mom to them please choose your words gently and wisely...