What do I say...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 10
What do I say...
Hi all! Brand new here - I just joined two nights ago and am comforted to find so many people going through the same thing i am as I reach out and finallynadmit that my life has been hell for over 2 years.
After realizing the enormity of the problems in my life related to my husband's drinking and after pretending to friends, family and the world that we were the "perfect" couple with no problems, I just kicked my husband out of the house and after a week in a fleabag motel he has decided to go for inpatient treatment which is a huge, positive step for him. I have shared the situation with my parents as they are also our employers. When I told them the situation they were very supportive of me and sad to learn about the situation and his demons. However, they also had no choice but to terminate his employment contract for good cause, so he is out of a job.
Where I am confused is this... what do I tell my friends about his alcoholism without violating his privacy. I don't want to lie and enable any more but I want to open up to my friends. However, on the other hand I want to respect his right to privacy and not unfairly disclose his troubles to my friends. The other question is also what to tell the people we do business with. They will want to know why he is no longer with the company and why we are no longer together. Has anyone been in this situation before?
Thanks, and again, I am so glad to be part of this healing community.
Mimi
After realizing the enormity of the problems in my life related to my husband's drinking and after pretending to friends, family and the world that we were the "perfect" couple with no problems, I just kicked my husband out of the house and after a week in a fleabag motel he has decided to go for inpatient treatment which is a huge, positive step for him. I have shared the situation with my parents as they are also our employers. When I told them the situation they were very supportive of me and sad to learn about the situation and his demons. However, they also had no choice but to terminate his employment contract for good cause, so he is out of a job.
Where I am confused is this... what do I tell my friends about his alcoholism without violating his privacy. I don't want to lie and enable any more but I want to open up to my friends. However, on the other hand I want to respect his right to privacy and not unfairly disclose his troubles to my friends. The other question is also what to tell the people we do business with. They will want to know why he is no longer with the company and why we are no longer together. Has anyone been in this situation before?
Thanks, and again, I am so glad to be part of this healing community.
Mimi
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Mimi, glad you found us!!
If you need to tell your friends anything (you can also decline to talk about it) you might tell them the bare minimum: that he decided he has an alcohol problem, and you are glad he has decided to seek help for it, and you're not comfortable discussing anything beyond that. It is not your job to hide him or cover for him.
And since it's your parents who released him from employment, and you are also their employee, you may want to ask THEM what official story they would like you to tell colleagues and clients. It's their call, really.
Just my two cents' worth!
GL
If you need to tell your friends anything (you can also decline to talk about it) you might tell them the bare minimum: that he decided he has an alcohol problem, and you are glad he has decided to seek help for it, and you're not comfortable discussing anything beyond that. It is not your job to hide him or cover for him.
And since it's your parents who released him from employment, and you are also their employee, you may want to ask THEM what official story they would like you to tell colleagues and clients. It's their call, really.
Just my two cents' worth!
GL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
I am a recovering alcoholic. I am the only one that can say that. In my experience it is only the alcoholic who can say they are an alcoholic. It really is up to your husband to tell people he has an alcohol problem, no one elses.
What you could consider is telling others that he is pursuing other opportunities and leave it at that. The details are no one elses business, in my opinion.
I hope the very best sobriety has to offer each of you! LOL
What you could consider is telling others that he is pursuing other opportunities and leave it at that. The details are no one elses business, in my opinion.
I hope the very best sobriety has to offer each of you! LOL
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
possibly tell them, we have had our differences & decided it was best to go our own ways. Anyone who really knows you, as a couple, will know the answer anyways & let (& respect) you to mend in your own way. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
When you are married you can not seperate all aspects of his story from your story. In marriage we become one and it is our story, unity with individuality. The consequences of his choices are that you may tell people your story.
Wouldn't it be great if the consequences of his choices would be that you had a wonderful husband to talk about , deciding yourself to the level of trust with whom you might share and the depth of what you choose to share about Ľour wonderful life with a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. The same think applies when your husband is not wonderful.
My husband was embarressed to go to the 12 step meeting that has AA and Al-anon break out groups because I went to al-anon there. Then he said he was embarressed to go back to where he was going to AA because he relapsed. He also does not like that I "talk" to people here. But it is my live and my life of consequences.
Sounds like you are doing a great job in how you are going about everything, including looking for wisdom among the council ( or opinions) of many. Keep the good , throw out the bad. (I know i am sure to say something stupid or have a typo that turns what i meant to say around and that can get bad.)
love tammy
Wouldn't it be great if the consequences of his choices would be that you had a wonderful husband to talk about , deciding yourself to the level of trust with whom you might share and the depth of what you choose to share about Ľour wonderful life with a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. The same think applies when your husband is not wonderful.
My husband was embarressed to go to the 12 step meeting that has AA and Al-anon break out groups because I went to al-anon there. Then he said he was embarressed to go back to where he was going to AA because he relapsed. He also does not like that I "talk" to people here. But it is my live and my life of consequences.
Sounds like you are doing a great job in how you are going about everything, including looking for wisdom among the council ( or opinions) of many. Keep the good , throw out the bad. (I know i am sure to say something stupid or have a typo that turns what i meant to say around and that can get bad.)
love tammy
No Codie No More.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
I'm familiar with the business world and dealing with distributors and many aspects of business issues.
what kind of business partners do you have? what kind of partnership is it?..
first of foremost, It's business, not personal.
do they really need to know your husband is a alcoholic? even if they deal with him on a daily basis, your priority is keeping them your clients.
my motto is never get too personal with the customers, they are just that, customers.
you can give many reasons.. he went off on his own, back to school. etc.
what kind of business partners do you have? what kind of partnership is it?..
first of foremost, It's business, not personal.
do they really need to know your husband is a alcoholic? even if they deal with him on a daily basis, your priority is keeping them your clients.
my motto is never get too personal with the customers, they are just that, customers.
you can give many reasons.. he went off on his own, back to school. etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Honesty is always the best policy. Having said that, you get to decide how much you want to share with whom. For example, it's just as honest to say "we are separated," as it is to say "his drinking came between us." It depends who you are sharing with which is more appropriate.
Same with the business. Saying "he no longer works here" is an honest answer. If pressed, you can refer to the "higher ups" or elaborate a little more. Whichever is most appropriate.
I would not give in to the temptation to lie for him, even a little, because it's your integrity that is at stake in that case.
JMHO,
L
Same with the business. Saying "he no longer works here" is an honest answer. If pressed, you can refer to the "higher ups" or elaborate a little more. Whichever is most appropriate.
I would not give in to the temptation to lie for him, even a little, because it's your integrity that is at stake in that case.
JMHO,
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
