least

I don't know if I can forgive myself. I self medicated my horrible anxiety yesterday with a bottle of wine. I knew it was wrong but did it anyway. Now I feel as awful as I deserve to feel. My sober time is down the drain and I feel like garbage. My anxiety was not relieved, but only made worse. And I don't understand myself at all. I know better, but I guess I didn't know it too well or I wouldn't have done it.

Now starts day one all over again. I don't know what's wrong with me but there must be something terribly wrong with me to do something so stupid. I let you all down, I let myself down. I was doing so well and now I"m doing so badly. I feel like sh!t and deserve to feel worse. I hate myself for my awful mistake. I apologize to any newcomers who may have been inspired by me - I've let you down and I'm sorry, more sorry than I can express. I am so disappointed in myself. My depression is so much worse this morning than it's been, and it was pretty bad.

I ask your forgiveness and wish I could forgive myself, but I only hate myself and my weakness. I am an idiot. I am humiliated and afraid and stupid. And I am back to day one.

Pixy1

Least :ghug3 please dont get down. Your sober time is not wasted! you are an example to us all that it can be done. One mistake, youv'e learned. Mybe you needed to do that in order to move forward in your recovery.

Please please dont beat yourself up over this, pick yourself up and smile, you have been given a brand new day to start again.

Love and hugs, Pixy xx

citychick

Hi Least, please don't beat yourself up, remember you've got a disease, not a moral weakness.

So it's day 1 again, you've learned from your mistake, just get back on that recovery horse and ride it.

Hugs

stone

I am still inspired you least.

It is done, in the past, let it go...now all you have to do is not do it again.

Has this reminder renewed your determination? If so then all is well.

TheWonkydonkey

Hey Least, don't beat yourself up. Your sober time isn't wasted at all.

The main thing is you came straight back. One slip isn't going to turn into a fall.

redpat

Least i was sober from jan 14 2008 untill jan 1 2009 that is nearly a year,i then drank for 11 days straight can you imagine the depression that made me feel.If you dont drink today that is all that counts get back on the sober bus IMMEDIATELY.I know you can do it be strong least

Dee74

Like citychick said - this isn't a moral weakness and beating yourself up will only increase the likelihood of you being persuaded back into the cycle.

There's a time for post mortems and lessons learned later S.

You haven't lost that sober time or that achievement and I know you'll work out what happened with hindsight.... but for now, stay focused - and get real professional help about that anxiety and depression, ok?

D

Lenina

least,

Please don't be so hard on yourself, as others have said it's a disease not a moral failing. You've been feeling awful for a long time. Please get a health check up from a doctor. Have you had a thyroid check? And I worry about you getting proper nutrition.

You've made great progress in the last months! And you came here and were honest! Honey, we love you!

And you did learn one very important lesson: alcohol is not the answer to what ails you.

Here's a big hug and a cuddle from me. I think you are one heck of a lady!

Much love,

Lenina

kdudley3

Try, try, try again...Benjamin Franklin

Don't beat yourself up...it only makes you feel bad and when we feel bad we're vulnerable.

Tell yourself that you'll go back to the old drawing board and try again. You can do it.

Positive feelings...tell yourself "I can do it...I will do it"!

I'm your cheerleader right now...fight, fight, fight !!!!!!!!!!!!!:ghug3

Ananda

least,

you know you are still an inspiration girl!

Now you know my history I think....7 years sober and i drank again....people tried to get me to analize it, but you know it took a long time to see what "caused" me to pick up the drink....and my view changes every day.

So yes learn what you can, but more important for me was to remember that I did something right to hve been sober that long and to be sure to do those things that worked again.

Just move forward Least, and when you think about drinking mostly remember those nights you were here at SR posting...trying to get off the alchohol...that memory of you is a big part of why I so admire you, I remember vividly where you came from.

I'm glad you were only out 1 day, glad you came back today, glad you didn't fall into the hell hole you were in when you got to SR....that you decided to post and stop yourself from going all the way down in that hole again.....

Althoug i always worry it will not be taken right, once again i must say "a winner is a looser who never stops trying"

Love you Least :ghug

FizzyWater

You can't change yesterday Least but you do have control over today.

For me if I was to drink again its not the day I drink I'm worried about, its the next day.

If I could drink one day then know I could safely stop straight away again I would probably just drink today to be honest, I know for me I'd be off on a week/month/year bender though.

Don't let this turn into something bigger than it is, so you'd a bottle of wine yesterday, big deal, if your still drinking a bottle a day this time next week then ........................

Lets not go there, don't get sucked back in.

You know you can do it.

All the best and be safe.

SummerSkye

Your sober time has NOT been wasted, try to think about what you have learned so far. I think I have read that relapse can be part of recovery and that sometimes we need to relapse to realise that we don't want to be in that place anymore, its sounds like this is what you have done. You have done the right thing for coming straight back on here, you are very honest and brave

endzoner

Least.. your still an insperation to us all , And the newcomers can learn from your experiences . Sad one that it is , but its shows use,them,me .. that at no time does a drink fix what ails us . hold your head high.. be proud of what youve tought us, and close that door behind you and open the one in front of you ! We love ya and we look forward to your shares and experiences .. Endzy:ghug3

prettypoison

Least, count me in on the still inspired gang. I have always enjoyed your posts and advice. Forgive yourself, you're worth it. You came back...that's what is most important. This disease we all have in common is absolutely baffling. No matter what, don't give up. Find resolve in your mistake, not shame. I am always glad to see you :ghug

least

I see my alcohol counselor on Tuesday and will have to be honest with her. She will be so disappointed in me, but not as much as I am with myself. I dread telling her but I must. I need her help.

Aysha

Oh least you havent let anyone down. You are human and people make mistakes.
One day of bad decisions has not made you lose it all. You know what you have accomplished. And you know you can do it again. Just stop at that ONE slip and try again.
If you were to come here and tell us that and say you were going to continue drinking. I would be worried. But you are talking about back to day one. That says your ready to fight again.
Be easy on yourself. And try to let it go. You will feel better after some rest and forgiveness.
Your not an idiot!! And will always be an inspiration. Because your not giving up.
Pick yourself back up keep trying.
Learn from it.

Anna

Hi Least,

Just try to learn from the experience, and move on.

Mark75

Hi Least

You will be fine... You really want to be sober, you have been, and you will be again starting today. Too much self blame, guilt, shame, is going to just set you up for more anxiety - and then the spiral, and then the drinking.

So you did some research and development and you got some data to analyze? Well, that's just what you are already doing. You posted here and you are seeing your alcohol counsellor on Tuesday. Sounds like a plan.

My only thought is, what do you do about your anxiety? Forget even that it made you drink, but you shouldn't suffer with anxiety so badly that it interferes with your hopes and dreams for the future. Get that anxiety thing under control. Maybe your counsellor will have some specific suggestions.

Hang in there!!

Mark

theaocp

Least, i love hearing from you in the ain't quittin' thread, so please do me a favor and jump back into the swing of things and start not quittin' again! We understand you. We care about you. We all know what it's like to let ourselves down. Always remember to continue working to be the person your dogs see you as. Hugs all 'round. :ghug2

parentrecovers

grateful you made it back, least. hugs and support to ya, k