missing brother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: portland, or
Posts: 7
missing brother
Hey all,
I've never posted here before but this week has been tough and as I struggled to think of someone who I could call I realized no one really knows unless they're in it. It's a lot for some people to hear and often feels like a burden to unload, so maybe this is the place for me.
My brother has been supposedly clean for 2 years now, from heroin, but last week he abruptly moved out of my parent's house in PA, sent me a text message from Chicago, and turned off his phone. We haven't heard from him in a week and my parents and I are worried sick. He had been living with them on and off for the past 2 years. We think he's bound for Montana- where some old addict friends live and where he had been living for a few months before moving in again with my parents for 3 months. Confusing, yes.
He is on suboxone, and has been for the past 2 years almost. He has a rx for up until April 1st. He wouldn't be using if he's still on it, right? He has been taking it consistently, and showed no other signs of drug use. He still has a very nonchalant attitude about his addiction, like it was no big deal and everyone overreacted. Has a lot of anger toward my parents for not trusting him...but they have no reason to trust him. They're good, loving parents and they just want to know he's alive and not using and not living with his former dealer, who is supposedly clean but who really knows...
Anyway, this was long and rambling but felt good to write even if no one responds. I'm just really worried and have no one to compare notes with. Would appreciate any advice.
Best,
The younger sister who feels like she's older
I've never posted here before but this week has been tough and as I struggled to think of someone who I could call I realized no one really knows unless they're in it. It's a lot for some people to hear and often feels like a burden to unload, so maybe this is the place for me.
My brother has been supposedly clean for 2 years now, from heroin, but last week he abruptly moved out of my parent's house in PA, sent me a text message from Chicago, and turned off his phone. We haven't heard from him in a week and my parents and I are worried sick. He had been living with them on and off for the past 2 years. We think he's bound for Montana- where some old addict friends live and where he had been living for a few months before moving in again with my parents for 3 months. Confusing, yes.
He is on suboxone, and has been for the past 2 years almost. He has a rx for up until April 1st. He wouldn't be using if he's still on it, right? He has been taking it consistently, and showed no other signs of drug use. He still has a very nonchalant attitude about his addiction, like it was no big deal and everyone overreacted. Has a lot of anger toward my parents for not trusting him...but they have no reason to trust him. They're good, loving parents and they just want to know he's alive and not using and not living with his former dealer, who is supposedly clean but who really knows...
Anyway, this was long and rambling but felt good to write even if no one responds. I'm just really worried and have no one to compare notes with. Would appreciate any advice.
Best,
The younger sister who feels like she's older
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Hi there younger sister... I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. It sounds like a very worrying situation and I will keep you (and him) in my thoughts... sending good vibes for a positive outcome. I hope it all turns out alright in the end. Meanwhile, remember that worrying yourself sick doesn't change any outcome; it just makes you sick. Good wishes.
Lisa
Lisa
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I can see where you, and your parents, would be worried, but don't know of an easy way to find out where he is, if he doesn't want to be found. I agree with Lisa..worrying isn't going to change anything, but I also know it isn't easy NOT to worry.
I'm guessing your parents could file a missing person's report on him, but with a history of drug abuse, the police may not see it as a priority. I'm a recovering addict, and I know I've thought about if I don't show up where I'm supposed to be, the first thing my family may think is that I've relapsed..not that I've had car trouble or been in a wreck. It's a sad, but true, fact of our lives when we're addicts.
I hope you or your parents hear something soon.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I can see where you, and your parents, would be worried, but don't know of an easy way to find out where he is, if he doesn't want to be found. I agree with Lisa..worrying isn't going to change anything, but I also know it isn't easy NOT to worry.
I'm guessing your parents could file a missing person's report on him, but with a history of drug abuse, the police may not see it as a priority. I'm a recovering addict, and I know I've thought about if I don't show up where I'm supposed to be, the first thing my family may think is that I've relapsed..not that I've had car trouble or been in a wreck. It's a sad, but true, fact of our lives when we're addicts.
I hope you or your parents hear something soon.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Hi younger sister. Welcome to SR. This is the place for you to be, as we truly understand what worry and fear you have. Sometimes it is just a relief to be able to unload all of our thoughts to those who have walked in our shoes.
I will keep your family in my prayers.
Chris
I will keep your family in my prayers.
Chris
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Hi Younger Sister,
You have found a wonderful place to post your fears, everyone here has a story about a loved one and it feels good to be with others who know what your feeling. Keep us posted on how he is doing and when he is found, we will all be praying for the best outcome. You know there is nothing you can do, this is all on him and what he decides to do with his life. What made him come clean in the first place? Was it his choice or was he forced to?
You have found a wonderful place to post your fears, everyone here has a story about a loved one and it feels good to be with others who know what your feeling. Keep us posted on how he is doing and when he is found, we will all be praying for the best outcome. You know there is nothing you can do, this is all on him and what he decides to do with his life. What made him come clean in the first place? Was it his choice or was he forced to?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Anabel~
I'm sorry to hear about the worry that you and your parents are feeling right now. You have come to absolutely the right place to read and learn, share and receive support. Many, many people here have been through it ALL before.
The sad truth is there is nothing any of you can do, and it is entirely up to him to seek help and work on his own recovery.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. I hope that you hear from your brother soon!
HG
I'm sorry to hear about the worry that you and your parents are feeling right now. You have come to absolutely the right place to read and learn, share and receive support. Many, many people here have been through it ALL before.
The sad truth is there is nothing any of you can do, and it is entirely up to him to seek help and work on his own recovery.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. I hope that you hear from your brother soon!
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: portland, or
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone for the support. I feel I have totally come to the right place here.
Amy, I can see why my first thought would be relapse after not hearing from him for a week. But there is also the matter of a cross-country drive in January- not exactly the safest time to be going through the mountains. I suppose if he were in an accident the police would tell us.
MyJoey, he got clean after he stole money from my parents, went on a bender with his g/f where she nearly died, and wanted to come live at home. A counselor suggested suboxone and this was all about 2 years ago. He did a little bit of outpatient counseling, but no meetings, no rehab, no nothing. We think he may also have mental illness and is self-medicating. I have been suspicious that he is somehow abusing the suboxone. Is that even possible or am I just paranoid?
In gratitude,
~A.
Amy, I can see why my first thought would be relapse after not hearing from him for a week. But there is also the matter of a cross-country drive in January- not exactly the safest time to be going through the mountains. I suppose if he were in an accident the police would tell us.
MyJoey, he got clean after he stole money from my parents, went on a bender with his g/f where she nearly died, and wanted to come live at home. A counselor suggested suboxone and this was all about 2 years ago. He did a little bit of outpatient counseling, but no meetings, no rehab, no nothing. We think he may also have mental illness and is self-medicating. I have been suspicious that he is somehow abusing the suboxone. Is that even possible or am I just paranoid?
In gratitude,
~A.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Addicts use Suboxone that they buy off the streets to avoid withdrawal until they can get their DOC, so it is entirely possible to be abusing the Suboxone. Your brother's doctor should have been doing UAs on him each time he went for a refill. But that does not mean your brother was not using part of the month and then getting clean before he went to the doctor. Suboxone is only a tool to be used to get clean, it can't keep him clean. Meetings, counselling, staying away from people, places, things and wanting to be clean are all things that will help an addict stay clean. Welcome to SR. No matter what happens with your brother, take care of yourself. Trying to understand addict thinking is pretty much a useless endeavor. Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome - I'm sorry you and your family are facing this pain and concern. Truth is, whether he has relapsed or not, the worry really doesn't make anything better. I know that may sound unfeeling and flippant, but it isn't...It's what I learned from working on myself as I dealt with loving addicts in my life. I am powerless over what they do. I can just release them to their higher power and pray for their safety and well being.
Hope you will stick around and read and post - This is a terrific place filled with love and support and lots of learning too. I also found the face to face support of Naranon meetings (or Alanon if there is no Naranon in your area) was so helpful. They are meetings for friends and family of addicts, whether actively using or clean. Addiction is a family disease that has an effect on everyone. Sending good thoughts and prayers for your brother - I hope you hear from him soon. Hugs
Hope you will stick around and read and post - This is a terrific place filled with love and support and lots of learning too. I also found the face to face support of Naranon meetings (or Alanon if there is no Naranon in your area) was so helpful. They are meetings for friends and family of addicts, whether actively using or clean. Addiction is a family disease that has an effect on everyone. Sending good thoughts and prayers for your brother - I hope you hear from him soon. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
The unfortunate truth about addicts is that they are prone to relapse. If he is relapsing, the last thing he wants to do is talk to someone in his family- that would make him feel bad, and face up to consequences such as hurting the ones he loves. He doesn't want consequences if he is using. He wants escape.
I know my AD is just terrible at keeping in touch and letting me know she is OK. Even when I think she understands that I only want to know she's ok, she still 'forgets' to call for weeks on end. Then says a quick "sorry I didn't call you...." and does it all over again. It's allways been the worst when she was missing and I had no way to contact her. But she always turned up.
We who are living with the reality of addiction in our families live a strange life. We have very real life and death stuff going on for those we love, but must learn to live our lives as if it were all very commonplace. Otherwise WE are the one who are destroyed, while the addicts we love just keep getting high.
Can't tell you how many times I thought my kid was dead, only to hear from her again - and then get furious at her for putting me thu it! Yet, she was only doing what addicts do. Your brother's #1 priority (if he is using) is to get high. Calling family is very low on the list of things to do. so we need to make our own life our own #1 priority - as counterintuitive as that may seem.
Best thing I have learned? Pray for my AD the second any worry or fear comes into my head, and then really trust and beleive that God has 'got her'. Works every time.
I know my AD is just terrible at keeping in touch and letting me know she is OK. Even when I think she understands that I only want to know she's ok, she still 'forgets' to call for weeks on end. Then says a quick "sorry I didn't call you...." and does it all over again. It's allways been the worst when she was missing and I had no way to contact her. But she always turned up.
We who are living with the reality of addiction in our families live a strange life. We have very real life and death stuff going on for those we love, but must learn to live our lives as if it were all very commonplace. Otherwise WE are the one who are destroyed, while the addicts we love just keep getting high.
Can't tell you how many times I thought my kid was dead, only to hear from her again - and then get furious at her for putting me thu it! Yet, she was only doing what addicts do. Your brother's #1 priority (if he is using) is to get high. Calling family is very low on the list of things to do. so we need to make our own life our own #1 priority - as counterintuitive as that may seem.
Best thing I have learned? Pray for my AD the second any worry or fear comes into my head, and then really trust and beleive that God has 'got her'. Works every time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It's sadly too common for those with a Suboxone script to sell or trade their meds for their DOC.
No doubt he is running from or towards something. It's what addicts do.
File a MIA report with the Police if it makes you feel better. Unless there is evidence of foul play, the Police are not going to spend a minute looking for him in another county, let alone state. It's not a crime to go missing.
In the meantime, consider attending Alanon/Naranon to meet other people in similar situations and learn how to detatch from his addiction. It could save your life.
No doubt he is running from or towards something. It's what addicts do.
File a MIA report with the Police if it makes you feel better. Unless there is evidence of foul play, the Police are not going to spend a minute looking for him in another county, let alone state. It's not a crime to go missing.
In the meantime, consider attending Alanon/Naranon to meet other people in similar situations and learn how to detatch from his addiction. It could save your life.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((Anabeld)))
The nonchalant attitude to me would be a tell tail sign that he is not clean. Heroin addiction is nothing to sneeze at.
It sounds to me that your family has gone above and beyond the call of duty here. The only advise I can give is take really good care of yourselves and be gentle with yourself.
His recovery is up to him and his HP and there is nothing you can do to change him or help him please be clear on that.
((((((((((((((((BIGHUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you and your parents
The nonchalant attitude to me would be a tell tail sign that he is not clean. Heroin addiction is nothing to sneeze at.
It sounds to me that your family has gone above and beyond the call of duty here. The only advise I can give is take really good care of yourselves and be gentle with yourself.
His recovery is up to him and his HP and there is nothing you can do to change him or help him please be clear on that.
((((((((((((((((BIGHUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you and your parents
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Thoughts and prayers with you and your family. It's sooo difficult for those of us who love an addict. Their behavior is impossible to predict or understand. Hope you hear from him soon!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. you are in the right place for support. we r here 24/7. it does feel good to have some one to talk with. we r all here for you. keep coming back & i will say a prayer for your brother. he will let you hear from him when he is ready.take care of yourself & keep coming back. there is really nothing you can do.hugs,
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