two things I know are true

Old 01-24-2009, 03:51 PM
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two things I know are true

1 - He doesn't deserve me.
2 - I don't deserve this.

I'm not getting a big head, I'm just tired of it all. He wants to be a drunk in denial and I'm so tired of living this way. Working again, still, on living for myself. Keeping the faith, but I hate how much reality it's grounded in.

He's not physically abusive, he's not verbally abuse as in yelling and calling names, but the little put downs, the know-it-all attitude, the lack of love and caring, the complete lack of being there for me really weigh me down.

I've had my emotional breakdown for the day and am done crying. Thankfully this isn't daily, but the weekly/monthly stuff is still too often to suit me. I've been eating well, taking care of what I can, taking steps forward for the future, whether that's with him or not, whether he's alive or dies young like he thinks will happen. He drinks all day, every day, and always "hides" it. Evenings are for a few drinks in the open along with the hidden drinking. Functional drunk, though it's getting to the point that some days are less so than others. Just when things seem to be really terrible he supposedly straightens up for while. I learned a long time ago that those aren't dry periods, just not hitting the booze "quite" so hard and heavy. His dad died young of a heart attack, just one year after sobering up. Maybe he's too afraid to sober up and face life as it is, maybe he's afraid after he sobers up is when he'll die? It doesn't really matter, just leaving all that in God's hands. I know it's not my job or responsibility to change him, all I can do is be there for him even if that means stepping away emotionally some days to take better care of me.

I haven't been getting nearly enough exercise the past couple of years, dealing with postpartum/situational depression, but I've been healing and getting better. We have great teenagers, a wonderful toddler and overall a good life. They don't deserve this either.

I have a Slim in Six (beachbody.com) set that I've been meaning to start again for ages. Whatever life brings me, I do need to be healthy and fit to deal with it -- or better yet, to actually enjoy it. Instead of more excuses or delays, I'm starting back with that today. I really need to get in shape, but I also need the exercise, including walks outside, to deal with the depression.

Going skiing tomorrow with one of the teens and the toddler. I'll probably hurt like crazy later, but it'll be a good hurt.

~ faith
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Old 01-24-2009, 03:56 PM
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1. enjoy the skiing with your kids
2. keep focusing on you!

i understand the pain and it is awful but like i am trying to do too...try to live for you! good luck!! (((hugs)))
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Old 01-24-2009, 04:51 PM
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I've worked out my whole life. I'm 56 now and kind of did it hit and miss for a couple of years there when I was "trudging thru hell", if you kwim.

Anyway started back regularly 6 or 8 mths ago, and quit smoking 2+ mths ago and have really been noticing a lot of improvement in my overall wellbeing. Getting stronger and younger! Ha! Gotta keep that promise I made to my 7yo dd about dancing at her wedding.

But seriously, being physically stronger or just strong really makes life so much easier, it also really helps my mental attitude, must be those endorphins I keep hearing about.

Any who, good on you and keep up the good work, you'll feel great.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
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Old 01-24-2009, 05:12 PM
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I'm just wondering why you feel you need to be there for him when he's clearly not there for you. In a healthy partnership, both partners do roughly equal amounts of taking and giving.

When one person does all the giving and the other does all the taking, that's not a partnership. I don't think walking, skiing, or getting more exercise will fix that. Do you?
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Old 01-24-2009, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
I'm just wondering why you feel you need to be there for him when he's clearly not there for you. In a healthy partnership, both partners do roughly equal amounts of taking and giving.

When one person does all the giving and the other does all the taking, that's not a partnership. I don't think walking, skiing, or getting more exercise will fix that. Do you?
Now that you mention it, perhaps getting the active alcoholic out of the house has helped some too.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
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Old 01-24-2009, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
I'm just wondering why you feel you need to be there for him when he's clearly not there for you. In a healthy partnership, both partners do roughly equal amounts of taking and giving.

When one person does all the giving and the other does all the taking, that's not a partnership. I don't think walking, skiing, or getting more exercise will fix that. Do you?
I totally agree with you on the "healthy partnership", yet marriage doesn't mean it's always going to be perfect or 50/50. Sometimes it is 80/20 or some other equation. I'm not going to throw away more than 20 years together because of this illness/disease. When we were in our early twenties, our first son died when he was only 3 months old. He had been a complete joy and the light of our lives. We held on tight to each other and that's all that brought us through that. We both went through times of not wanting to go on, but we did because of each other. We've had a lot of good years. We have four wonderful kids. Outstandingly wonderful, caring kids. Most of the time he's a very good dad, but it's drunk I don't/can't trust. At times he had cut back/quit drinking because he didn't want to wind up like his alcoholic dad. We should have had counseling then, but I didn't know then what I know now -- obviously! So now I'll hold on when AH can't. He does show me in many ways every week that he loves me. It doesn't make up for the days or moments that he's a jerk - usually at his drunkest, and/or after the extended drunk, or when he's trying to dry out without wanting to face any of it.

How I started my post off doesn't really sound right. It does sound like I've got a big head, but I figure there are others who can relate to how I'm feeling.

NOTHING right now is going to change the fact that he's going to stay in denial and continue to drink. It's just not going to happen right now. I am working on my codie ways. We did go in a year ago to the doc and things were discussed then. My plan for this spring is to go to a new doc and a counselor(alcohol/life/relationship). In the meantime, I'm doing what I have to for me.
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Old 01-24-2009, 06:23 PM
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But if this is what you have:

"He's not physically abusive, he's not verbally abusive as in yelling and calling names, but the little put downs, the know-it-all attitude, the lack of love and caring, the complete lack of being there for me really weigh me down."

What would you be throwing away?

I don't think you sound like you have a big head, but I think you sound confused. On the one hand you say you he doesn't deserve you and you KNOW you deserve better, but on the other you say you're willing to accept status quo.

I hope one day you'll really believe that he doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. Because right now, all it appears to be is talk.
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Old 01-24-2009, 09:00 PM
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What would I be throwing away?? lol. A really great man when he's not drunk!

Several hard years does not erase twenty great ones. It'd be one thing if he had always been a jerk, but he's not. I found this quote earlier from links on another thread, talking about alcoholic ways.

belittling and subtly disparaging ..................... attempts at inflating his ego at [other's] expense
Yeah, that sounds like what's been going on lately. Not always, not often and it's always just a little comment or two, but it's too often IMO. So I've been spoiled for a long time with a really great husband and now there's this jerk that keeps appearing. He's a functional drunk, acting like nothing's wrong, talking with his friends and family, playing with the kids, even helping me cook several times this week (how stressful is that, cooking with a drunk? sigh). If it were being a jerk due to being paralyzed or going through cancer treatments, would I leave him for that? No. Should I call him on being a jerk. Yes, probably. But who's going to win an argument with a drunk? So I don't even try. I walk away. Not walking out, but walking away from the immediate problem that I perceive it to be. He doesn't, but he's the one who's drunk.

So no, I don't deserve this, but neither does he and I will stick by him. Game plan? As I said, one day at a time taking care of me for now. My hormones went totally out of whack with my last pregnancy. I am getting better, but I have a date on the calendar next month that if I don't have continued improvement through diet, exercise and other ways, I will get medical help. I will also be reading and working on my codie ways.

The doctor we went to over a year ago would have put me on anti-depressants at the time, except that I was still breastfeeding. As for AH the doc said he has his own demons and for AH to try to cut it down to either one drink a day or one binge per month. The doc did tell him that if he didn't change his ways he'd either be dead or on a handful of pills within five years. He tried to cut down for quite a while, but we all know how that story goes (and I knew it even as the doctor uttered that less than helpful suggestion). So this spring we'll be going to another doctor (trying to find one isn't easy), and I know we need a counselor experienced with alcoholism for both of us.

Thanks for playing the devil's advocate. Sometimes that's as helpful or more than commiseration.
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Old 01-24-2009, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
I've worked out my whole life. I'm 56 now and kind of did it hit and miss for a couple of years there when I was "trudging thru hell", if you kwim.

Anyway started back regularly 6 or 8 mths ago, and quit smoking 2+ mths ago and have really been noticing a lot of improvement in my overall wellbeing. Getting stronger and younger! Ha! Gotta keep that promise I made to my 7yo dd about dancing at her wedding.

But seriously, being physically stronger or just strong really makes life so much easier, it also really helps my mental attitude, must be those endorphins I keep hearing about.

Any who, good on you and keep up the good work, you'll feel great.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote
Thank you for the inspiration and encouragement. I'm working on it!!
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:35 PM
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"and I knew it even as the doctor uttered that less than helpful suggestion."

Have you ever considered that the doctor wasn't trying to be sarcastic, but rather, he was just telling your husband the truth based on his experience? My ex-boyfriend's doctor told him the same thing 5 years ago. He's dead now. It wasn't a non-helpful suggestion; it was the truth.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Left unchecked, it's deadly. How harmful will it be to you, to your children, to sit by and potentially watch him drink himself to death?

I'll tell you how harmful it was to me. I developed chronic high blood pressure from the stress. That led to chronic atrial fibrillation. That led to a diagnosis of congestive heart failure a little more than a week ago. I'm only 48 years old.

Alcohol is poisonous to the body. Over time, it causes damage to the heart, liver, kidneys, and the brain until one or more of the drinker's internal organs begins to fail.

Alcohol is also poisonous to the children, spouse, significant other, family and friends of alcoholics. It robs them of their self-esteem, their serenity, their ability to make healthy choices for themselves and their children, their emotional and physical well being and sometimes, in cases like mine, their health.

I'm not playing devil's advocate here. I'm sharing my experience and my truth.

I used the "but I love him" and "he's such a great guy when he's not drunk" and "but he has such potential" excuses for 22 years. The alcoholic uses denial to continue drinking by claiming he doesn't have a problem or he can stop drinking or control his drinking whenever he wants. Their codependent partners use denial by claiming "but I love him" or "he's such a great guy when he's not drunk" or "but he has such potential" to avoid seeing the truth.

It takes time to peel back the layers of denial and see things how they really are. Time and a lot of hard work. Alanon helped me immensely. Do you attend?
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Old 01-25-2009, 01:28 AM
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I like how you started your post and I think it's true.
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Old 01-25-2009, 07:01 AM
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I hear you Keepingthefaith.

I am exactly where you are. My AH was sober for years and picked up 4 years ago. It is very hard to separate the man from the disease. This is all a learning process for me. As I learn and grow, I will change and I will take the necessary steps for me along the way. The steps we take, are our own steps and no one can take them for us.

I believe our fellow codies mean well when they reply to our post but sometimes it can sting to hear those words. They quote one peice of a post and reply on that. Unfotunately, there are many peices to the alcoholic relationship. In time, we all follow our own individual path of recovery and do our best to get our peace and serenity.

Skiing and exercise obviously will not fix or cure alcoholism, but it is certainly a great step for the Codie to take for themselves. It something you are doing for yourself and it takes the focus of the AH and onto you. I find things like exercise, skiing, whatever are very helpful for my recovery.

Keep up the good work and remember to take what you want/like and leave the rest!!!!

JRGirl
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Old 01-27-2009, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL View Post
..I believe our fellow codies mean well when they reply to our post but sometimes it can sting to hear those words. They quote one peice of a post and reply on that.
Codies like A's have long adopted unhealthy ways of thinking and reasoning out their life and choices. I have seen many many people come to recovery thinking out things in the way the always have expecting different results, only to learn that to get the results we long for, it is often the case that we need to relearn how we think.

If parts of my posts over the past year were not pulled apart and commented on, I would never have gotten to the place of peace and serenity and self knowldege that I have now. It is like Ago said in the step 4 thread, when we begin step 4 and look at ourselves sometimes we need someone to shine a light on our thinking as we are trying to fix things with our broken and injured self.

If I could get myself out of the situations I find myself in, I wouldn't be here. I obviously need to look at another way, and I rely on those further along the recovery path to show me the error of my ways and guide me.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
He drinks all day, every day, and always "hides" it. Evenings are for a few drinks in the open along with the hidden drinking. Functional drunk, though it's getting to the point that some days are less so than others. Just when things seem to be really terrible he supposedly straightens up for while. I learned a long time ago that those aren't dry periods, just not hitting the booze "quite" so hard and heavy.
I lived with this situation myself. My AH would get buzzed everynight. But he still functioned and had a decent job and hobbies he enjoyed, such as gourmet cooking.

In October '07, he went on a three-week bender. Drop-dead drunk for 21 days straight. That was the beginning of the descent into complete insanity. Today, all that is left is a body that lives to ingest alcohol. And he no longer hides it. I don't think he even understands what is going on around him most of the time.

If your husband chooses to seek help, he doesn't have to end up the way mine did. Yes, there IS hope. But it's up to him to make that decision.

All I can tell you is, I have watched first-hand the progression of this disease. It does not get better; it gets worse. Worse than I ever imagined.
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
I totally agree with you on the "healthy partnership", yet marriage doesn't mean it's always going to be perfect or 50/50. Sometimes it is 80/20 or some other equation. I'm not going to throw away more than 20 years together because of this illness/disease.
This part of your post really jumped out at me. This was my rationalization for staying, too. My mother is an unrecovered codependent who raised me to believe that if we sacrifice long enough, we will be rewarded for it. I told myself that I was giving more to the relationship than him, and someday he would "see the light" and start giving more than me. I would then be repaid for all my sacrifice.

I know now that I was indeed kidding myself. I was going to continue giving more and more and he was going to continue giving less and less.

I also thought that ending my marriage would be "throwing away" 18 years, most of which were pretty good. Then, I looked back and thought about how many years of my one and only life were "thrown away" on an unhappy, unsatisfying, unfulfilling marriage. Waiting for the 80/20 to change to 20/80. Waiting for my turn.

You also said you would be throwing away a "really great man when he's not drunk." But in your first post you said he drinks all day every day. So, the "really great man" doesn't exist any longer, does he?

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Old 01-27-2009, 12:19 PM
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>>I'm not going to throw away more than 20 years together because of this illness/disease.>>

(I'll just put this on the table now, I don't agree with the diesease model, but anyway.....)

So basically divorce is not an option for you no matter what in regards to his alcoholic behavior, so any supporter here should understand this, and that you're here to vent with those who understand the actions of an AS and you want to be supported on your actions and issues that will always remain inside of marriage to your AH?

Okay.

I can understand the 'not an option' position as there was a time, and not long ago at all, that divorcing my husband was not an option for me as I thought I didn't have a biblical reason to divorce him as a Christian.( settled that with God now, but anyway...) The point is the perspective of how I share and how I ask questions is affected by me understanding you have a "not an option" stand. I respect that.

But I do need to say this and I also want to say it because of the many other woman here i have read. This example will help to bring out my point:

During a "conversation" with my AH after i asked for a divorce he tried to guilt me out of my decision. He said, "How can you do this, how can you break up our family and throw 21 years of marriage away." I won't go into all of what i said, however, I pointed out to him that his alcoholic behaviors have caused most of the damaging breaks and that if anyone had thrown something away ( abandonded his responsibilities) it was him, not I.

So my most direct point is , for those of us who will or have chosen divorce, it is not and we have not thrown away years of marriage.

Now as to having a release since you have no intention of going anywhere, you go girl, exercise was one of my greatest outlets and/or intakes. I was up to 5 miles a day power walking. Now it is to cold here for me and I can't wait for winter pass because I like it more the dancing in my basement.
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