Katie09

I'd written out this whole post and deleted it (in fact, I've written this at least 10 times over and deleted them), still I need to get this out today or I'm afraid I will find a way to rationalize a drink. There is something in my past - a loss I am responsible for. A loss I cannot get past. I wasn't drinking at the time, although I'd been drinking the day before. I only wish I could blame this on alcohol. It is the ONE thing in life I fear I'll pick up a drink over at this point and today I was reminded of it. Instead of drinking, I am chain smoking. It's Saturday and the day isn't over yet. I am finally feeling better physically today, so I want to find a way to make it through these feelings without picking up a drink, which would be a first.

So if anyone out there has ever felt like world's WORST person or world's MOST HORRIBLE person, (and you just know deep down you were) I'd really appreciate your sharing. Or even if you've never felt this way, I could use something to divert my thinking. Thank you.

Katie

Horselover

Katie - I'm so sorry hon. We're all here for you and I don't know if you believe in it or not, but I hope you won't be offended because this chick is going to say some strong prayers for you. (((katie)))

Katie09

Thank you so much. I have asked for forgiveness so many times for this, but the pain never goes away and although I am not suicidal over it (like I was), it's been the greatest sorrow of my life.

Horselover

There are many times I wish I could press a rewind button because of things I've said or done, but we all know that isn't possible. Katie, I don't know what it is, but I do know you've already been forgiven. You asked for forgiveness and you've received it. Be gentle with yourself friend. I care.

IO Storm

Katie..

Most of us have done things, horrendous things in our past. I have. The worst things?

I was not drinking! But I was not in recovery..I was running rampant, using speed pills,

and deep in alcoholic thinking.

The worst thing to do would be to go backward..and escape again into alcohol.

The past is in the past. If this "thing" must be dealt with..then deal with it carefuly

and with support. Don't worry about smoking for now.

But guard your sobriety concerning alcohol first during this time.

Walk through this, Katie.

Crawl through it if you must. Don't give in, or give up.

Prayers.

Sher

Horselover

Very good, no excellent advice from Sher. Listen to her hon.

Katie09

Thanks for saying you weren't drinking when you did those things. I have sobbed in therapy over this. I feel like it's never going to leave me. I know I need to forgive myself, but I just don't know how. On an intellectual level, I must not be world's worst person, or this thing would not have haunted me all these years. There are people out there who do worse things (like rapists and murderers) and they don't feel guilt or remorse. Still, considering the things I cherish most, well, I was horrible.

I know a drink won't fix this. I know it will only kill me. But somewhere inside I just know I need to get past this somehow. I wish I had not been reminded of things this morning. Thanks for your post.

Aysha

That was then. This is now.
Nothing in the world can let us go back and change anything.
Just hang in there. And know that you are not that person now.
And just work on being the person you know you are.
Smoke em if you got em. But dont drink.

kduker

I just want to say that I'm sorry you feel so low. Forgiveness is the key to happiness, but forgiving ourselves is so much harder than anything else. Drinking will compound your self loathing. God is with you, even if you don't feel him.
When I feel so low, I thank God for what I have accomplished, and I thank him for forgiving me.
I know it's hard, you can do it. One second at a time.:praying

TryingSoHard

Hi Katie,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can't say anything that other's haven't already said: you can't go back in time and undo things. You said you feel a great deal of remorse and you've asked forgiveness. That's all you can do, other than learn to forgive yourself.

I'm not very good at forgiving myself so I can't tell you how to do that, but I hope you figure it out soon. You deserve some peace.

Please don't beat yourself up, and please don't drink over it. You're right - it won't make things any better. We're here for you.
:ghug

Amazonqueen522

Katie09,

I struggle daily with the thought of drinking especially on the weekend, what I do is keep myself busy and when those thoughts come to mind I just pray and I always think about the after effects of drinking how I felt. I'm going on 3 weeks without a drink or a cigarette and I know your struggle give yourself a chance the feeling will pass just dont pick up a drink....

IO Storm

Katie..

I am not sure what program you are in..what your beliefs are.

You say you have asked for forgiveness. I believe in a personal Higher Power.

Also..a lower one..a "dark pull"..that would have me go back to the prison

from which I have been set free from.

Some call this "the rat voice of addiction."

My biggest enemy in sobriety has been the D word.

Discouragement.

And guilt usually precedes this feeling. If a person plays on my guilty feelings,

they can get me down. When I do it to myself, it more deadly. Because in the

silent room..there is no one there to argue my case with..but me.

Stop prosecuting, and persecuting yourself Katie!

You have asked forgiveness..for this to be lifted from you.

For it to be removed..wiped away.

Maybe you should start believing it..and not listen to dark voice.

Be your own advocate. If you wish..ask forgiveness again.

And be done. Case closed. Say it aloud, or with a trusted person.

Maybe..you need to grieve for a time..but don't confuse the emotion

with guilt and a God who refuses to forgive.

Believe the truth.

God forgives. You are loved.

We are all pulling for you.

Hugs, and prayers.

Sher

Katie09

Thanks, if worst comes to worst, I will go lose myself in some store to buy crap I don't need and can't afford.

Maybe that's what I need to do - go to the thrift store and look for stuff I don't need. I've been sitting in this house since Monday glued to this forum (not that this isn't a good place to be glued to) and only left for cigarettes. This was my first week of unemployment and at least I haven't gone down the tubes drinking. So I am very grateful for that and for all of you wonderful people here. I am not sobbing anymore, so that's a very good sign. This place is the best. :ghug

lisa t

hi katie,
can't add much to what the others have said here but just wanted you to know that i too can relate to what you are saying...forgiveness takes time so try not to beat yourself up too much! i did many many horrible things in the past...i think the way i am learning to forgive myself is by not being that person now...i have changed so much i don't even know that person...so give yourself time...you aren't drinking now and that IS the most important thing!
my thoughts and prayers are with you...sending you BIG HUGS!!
Lisa

Horselover

Don't be ashamed of time spent on here, especially in the beginning or the hard times. Its what this place is for and its when this place does its stuff. I wouldn't be sober today without it. Don't be afraid to post again.

Jomey

Hey Katie - No words of wisdom - they've already been said here - but just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for you. Forgiving ourselves is soooo hard....but it can be done. Just take a deep breath and as Sher said, crawl through this if you have to, stay here as much as you need to and please let us help you not drink. YOU CAN DO IT!

Katie09

Thanks Amazonqueen522. It's tough in the first few weeks. But congratulations on almost 3 weeks and wow on the cigarettes. That's just great.

grateful2b

((Katie))..I am sorry you are struggling with this...I found this prayer and thought I would post it for you.......please be gentle with yourself....we all care very much

Gracious God/Higher Power, my heart is heavy with my own failures. I try to excuse them and explain to myself why they occurred, because I want to be free from the feeling that I am unworthy and incapable of all I can be.
When I try to forgive myself, it seems I only remember and re-play my failures in my mind, and a sense of hopelessness floods over me.
Help me to know that my past actions are part of my growing humanity and that even when I fail to live up to what is your will for me, every single moment can be lived anew.
Remind me that refusing to forgive myself only keeps me from experiencing that newness. Amen

gemeritus

This is a tough one, Katie.

Let's just say neither one of us can be the world's worst people, even though I've felt like that too.

The world's worst people plot heinous things deliberately, hurt or destroy others, and have no remorse.

It sounds like you made a mistake and are living with it.

I, on the other hand hurt someone not deliberately, but through my drinking which was deliberate. The only solace I have is that I know my thinking was distorted. And I am very full of remorse.

It finally got through my thick skull that for anything to get better the drinking had to stop.

I have a son, who just became a teenager. He looks just like me, and has a lot of the same goofy mannerisms.

He lives 80 miles from me, and I haven't seen him for two years this month. I had great visitation, and we had some good times. However I drank when he was with me, and despite the pleadings of his mother, like an obstinate pig I just kept on drinking. And passing out. All the horrible things.

He never complained about it to me. I didn't understand how he could be afraid to tell me, but he could tell on me. So in my distorted alco-mind, I just didn't take it seriously. Except for some reason I resented all of this.

The only thing going for me is that I never hit him. But my temper was short, and I can see now just how irrational I could get over nothing. I did yell, and push him into the corner or send him to his room for something stupid.

I've had to mostly block myself thinking about this to keep going, but now I guess it's time to reckon. The longer I go without fixing myself and making amends, the longer I go without a beloved son. And he loses his dad.

It sounds like what happened to you was sudden and unexpected, and you weren't impaired. I think you should cut yourself some slack.

I don't feel I deserve anything. What I'm responsible for took years before all the damage was done, and I had plenty of chances to turn the situation around. But I didn't.

I don't know how to end this, but hopefully you can get something that will help you not feel so bad.

Katie09

(((gemeritus)))

You are right about the distorted thinking. That is what booze will do to a person. You are right, I wasn't impaired, but I wasn't in my right mind either. If I had been, things never would have gone down the way they did.

You still have time though Not picking up a drink will see to that.

All we can do is to do our best and NOT pick up a drink today.

Katie