MeHandle

I was wondering if we asked recovering alcoholics who have been divorced if they think it was better for them, while not on a route of recovery, for their spouses to divorce them?

I wonder what your view is and/or how you would share your perspective on it ?

( I don't want to define the question to specifically so as not to limit your perspective .)

Bernadette

You might want to post this on the "Alcoholism" board since you'll get more traffic in people who can answer that question!
peace-
B.

Ago

I'm not clear on the question.

You want to ask "recovered" Alcoholics if it's better to divorce them "before" they are "on a route of recovery"?

Are you asking if divorce is a good tool for behavior modification to get them to stop drinking? as a way to "get them healthy"?

If so, the answer is yes, divorce is much healthier for the alcoholic, although maybe not for the reasons you might think.

If you are wondering if it's unhealthy to enable an alcoholic, of course the answer is a resounding yes, for everyone involved.

As the "alcoholic" I wish my "co" would have walked away for everyone's sake and mental health, we stayed together for many years after I got sober, it wasn't healthy for anyone.

As the "Co" I walked away from my alcoholic but it was right after she "got sober" so my decision was to save my mental health and sanity, it had nothing to do with how that decision would impact her.

Welcome to Friends and Family.

I also agree with Bernadette, it's best to ask this question in the alcoholics forum.

MeHandle

Hi Ago and thank you!

>>If so, the answer is yes, divorce is much healthier for the alcoholic, although maybe not for the reasons you might think.<<

As to your statement quoted above :While there are commonalities in the alcoholic marriage , every situation, heart and mind is different. I am sure we agree that no 2 stories are the same. I made this comment in my post,"( I don't want to define the question to specifically so as not to limit your perspective .)" for the specific purpose of stating upfront that I want to know what you think and your experience and i don't want someone to reply in a regard to what they assume i think.

Also, I want to mention that becoming part of this community while married to an alcoholic does not make or necessitate that one is co-dependent.


>>I also agree with Bernadette, it's best to ask this question in the alcoholics forum.[/QUOTE]>>

Thanks, got it. It is posted in that forum too.

Ago

>>

As an Alcoholic, my girlfriend leaving me is what ultimately got me sober the first time, she wasn't my first Girlfriend to leave me, but it was a good wake up call, she didn't leave me because of my drinking per se, she left me for "sleeping with someone at her", rightfully so, which I did as an attempt at behavior modification.

As a Paramedic/Fireman the first thing I was taught was to insure my own safety first, then I could worry about the safety of others.

As a Codependent I was taught the same thing, I needed to worry about myself first before I could/should worry about others.

The Three C's are you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it, that includes divorcing someone as a form of "behavioral modification", even if I think "it's best for them". Thinking I knew whats best for someone is the very thing that "made me sick" as it were.

My focus today, as a friends and family of alcoholics, is how I can take care of myself. Can I live with a practicing alcoholic, with all the behaviors that go with that, or did I need to leave FOR ME.

In my opinion, leaving my alcoholic "to help her" is just a form of manipulation, no different then when I slept with another woman to get my xgf to "behave" all those years ago.

What's best for me, what's acceptable for me are the questions I ask myself now in dealing with active alcoholism in my life.

MeHandle

People don't leave a marriage to an AH-W to help themselves, I doubt they would leave to help the AH-W who claims they don't want them to leave. When a spouse leaves an AH-W for themself I am sure there are times when it also just happens to be a really good thing for the AH-W too.

This is about a follow through result of an unavoidable inter-related action, not a direct action done to caretake inplace of caring for self.

Sorry this question came off unclear or misleading. And i though it was clear......:-(

Bernadette

People don't leave a marriage to an AH-W to help themselves,

I personally know a few people who left an AH/W to help themselves. And I have met many in AlAnon who left their A-partners in order to help themselves. I think it is quite common and quite healthy. And it really did help them to leave the alcoholic, like, BIG time!!!!

I also know 2 A's who still drink after a divorce and I know one A who got sober after a divorce but they never got back together - that marriage was dead in the water after 20 years of roller-coaster alcoholic/codie insanity!!
peace-
B

Ago

I did as well, it wasn't a marriage but I absolutely left to "help" myself.

It's possible I'm having difficulty understanding here.

Actually no, we don't agree, what's frightening actually is all of the stories are exactly the same, because the behaviors manifested by alcoholism is the same, when you drink "this much for this long" you act "like this", many of the stories word for word, they vary in degree and in some incidental circumstances, but they are all the same, alcoholics are basically the same "actor" playing different "roles", and when they act like "this" the response is generally "this", that's why they call alcoholism a "family disease" and there is even an "alcoholic family model" that's uncannily accurate.

Yeah, I think I just don't really understand the question I guess, nor "people don't leave marriages to help themselves", it's possible we're just on different pages

MeHandle

lol..... Let me try to fix my mess of bad typing after being read wrong... maybe .
Ago said: "In my opinion, leaving my alcoholic "to help her" is just a form of manipulation, no different then when I slept with another woman to get my xgf to "behave" all those years ago."

I meant to comment saying: When people don't leave a marriage to an AH-W to help themselves, I doubt they would leave to help the AH-W who claims they don't want them to leave. When a spouse leaves an AH-W for themself I am sure there are times when it also just happens to be a really good thing for the AH-W too.

* Oh course i believe that those married to alcholics leave because the need to "help" themselves.

And we will have to agree to disagree on all the stories being exactly the same. Living with a binger is different then living with a daily medicator. Living with an angry rager is different then living with a closet depressed isolator. Living with a heroin addict is different then living with an alcoholic. Then each one of those things is effected by whom the A is married to and what they are like.

Could this thread just get deteled somehow to just end the confusion?

DesertEyes

Sure, if you guys want to just start over that would be fine. On the other hand, it seems to me that this thread is a great example of how people in recovery can work out their disagreements in a friendly manner, without deteriorating into nastiness.

Mike