venusinlibra

I think I have hit bottom today. I feel like I have been in a coma for years and I finally have woken up. My ABF has been sober for 3 years but still is financially irresponsible. He has only paid partial rent twice in the last year. He bums money off me constantly.

I have been really stressed out the last month, like others over the economy. I'm worried I might lose my house and I'm working two jobs. My ABF works part time at best, is always BROKE, and doesn't feel the "need" to contribute.

When I tell him I'm worried about money, I need his help, he says it's not his problem I "over extended" myself. Although, he thinks it's my problem that he is always broke and I should give him money.

I have been feeling really sick and I went to the doctor today. I have to have tests run to see if there is something really wrong with me, or if it is stress related.

You would think my ABF would call to see if I'm ok, volunteer to go with me to the doctor, no of course not. He's got band rehearsal.

I realize now, he doesn't care, and probably never did. Our relationship has been about him using me for money and a place to live. He can't be bothered to be concerned about my welfare, while he's been sober for 3 years, he is not self supporting, nor of service to others. He just takes and takes.

I feel like an idiot, I have allowed this to happen to me. I feel sad, lonely, mad at myself, and at the same time relieved that maybe finally I can love myself enough to let go.

Have you felt this way before? What did you do let go? Did the situation ever cause you health problems?

Thanks for your support.

gns

Dear Venus, I realized the sme thing about my exabf when he went to a baseball game the evening I had surgery!!!!

It is a horrible feeling, but ultimately freeing. I am sorry you are going through this!

spinner

Yeah, when my mother was dying in the hospital, my recovering ex ABF disappeared and left me alone. He was "just out of rehab and didn't want to get upset."

Spinner

Amazonqueen522

Venus,

Let go and Let God lead the way....:ghug

MeHandle

>>When I tell him I'm worried about money, I need his help, he says it's not his problem I "over extended" myself. Although, he thinks it's my problem that he is always broke and I should give him money.<<

I can see he doesn't want to "enable" you to help keep a roof over his head.

If you aren't going to kick him out you might want to sit him down and thank him for being so concerned about you that he would not be your enabler on your unhealthy position of overextending yourself. Then you could share with him how you care about him too and you don't want to enable his irresponsibility, so he needs to pay his own way so you are going to set a standard rent amount that he owes you and if he doesn't pay his rent he will receive the consequences of his irresponsibility, that he will be finding another place to live.( Along with any other money that rent amount covers or doesn't)

Here is a practical idea if you are willing: You can find a renter for a room in your home, there are lots online, hopefully some good choices in your area. This is what i am going to have to do when my AH is out of the house. I might move in 2 as I have enough room.

I hope your health issue end up being nothing more then needing some rest because your are working so much.

My health issue would have only been not sleeping because I was up thinking about how I wanted out of my marriage because of being married to an AH

coyote21

You've been around for a long time, I can't remember if you go to Alanon or not. Anyway, they have these 3 A's, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. You've finally become aware of what's really going on. That's huge.

It's a strong step in the right direction to admit your responsibility in all this. I after all, had the freedom and responsibility for ALL my bad choices and decisions which wound me up married to a seemingly, so far, hopeless alcoholic, with an innocent little kid in tow.

I have several pictures on our fridge, of me holding dd. You know, in the same position, same pose, same spot in the kitchen, etc. for two halloweens 2 years apart. This was during "the trudging thru hell years", as I like to remember them. I look 10 years older in the 2 year older picture.

That's what the stress did for me, along with psoriasis, acne (50 something!), couldn't poop, couldn't stop, insomnia, chest pains, need I go on. I also blame her for my being completely grey now, just kidding!

All symptoms have cleared up, most almost immediately. And I believe the 10 years rapid aging is reversing to a certain extent. Alanon friends have been telling me how good I look lately. So, yes.

Also, I HAD to let go, or continue being dragged. Not so much for myself, I was kind of oblivious and in a great deal of denial. But social services would of taken my dd away from BOTH of us if I hadn't let go. Hp did for me what I couldn't do for myself. I'm very grateful.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

Hikeon

Alcoholism is often based in arrested development. Basically, it's immaturity. I really believe that, although some people would disagree.

Just because he's sober doesn't mean he's out of the woods.

AA would call your boyfriend a dry drunk.

It's a shame he stopped changing when he got sober, and didn't take recovery to the next (needed) level, which is taking responsibility for your life and your lifestyle. Basically, take responsibility for being an adult, not simply a grown-up.

venusinlibra

Thanks for the support. It's hard to let go. I think the biggest step is the acceptance of what my part is in all of this. Also, finally taking action to move forward. I'm kinda numb today but I told him. In a grand gesture, he gave me $100 towards the thousands of what he owes me in back rent.

The kicker is he is moving into an apartment where he has to pay twice as much money as he did with me. The only problem was he never paid me. Now miraculously he has money to pay rent.

Good news is, I can finally get a roommate I can depend on.

steve11694

Please excuse me for my bluntness, (romantic feelings aside) but did you're description of his lifestyle, attitude, irresponsibility not describe what is otherwise known as a "low life"?


You're wondering how he will pay double rent is akin to trying to apply reason to insanity. They don't care about anything except themselves.