profoundsadness

some of you may know my story from november and december. my husband went through delirium tremens in front of me and had to be hospitalized for very sever alcohol withdrawal. he was in the icu for a month. he had been sober...going to meetins...starting therapy...things had been great...then the inevitable happened. this wednesday he relapsed. right after his therapy session. i found the culprit last night -- good old vodka-- and confronted him about it. i didn't argue. i did cry. i slept on the couch most of the night because i couldn't stand being near him. he woke this morning and we talked. we talked some more. i mentioned there was a meeting...he said he was going to go. he did...for three hours. i began to worry after two. he stumbled in the door moments ago...drunk. unable to stand...fight or anything else. he could barely get on the couch. i'm at a loss...i'm heartbroken. he made his choice; i know the wisdom of not being able to control him or the disease, but dammit, i want my life with him back. i had it for a nice while when he came out of the hospital. we had a great christmas and the first sober new years celebration in all the years we've been togther. it has been nice...i guess the honeymoon is over. i don't know who will be able to get through to him, but really hope it happens soon.

MeHandle

I read this and I think ," Don't type what you want to say." But then I think,"But how do I express my second choice since I shouldn't say the first thing that comes to mind." Then I think, "Just don't say anything at all." Then I think," But I want to express....something.....encouraging? Well maybe not, I just want to express something.... for her." "Just keep it simple, and pray and lift them both up in prayer."

I read, I here, I empathize. love tam

BrandiSue

I'm so sorry for you. The relapses are killer. You see them get well after rehab even though you know deep down things could turn on a dime. I've always got that hope thing going on yet my gut speaks differently. Sigh.

Just sending good thoughts and prayers your way. This is so hard. Those honeymoon periods really can mess up your mind.

TakingCharge999

The disease is merciless thinking of you... and your husband too.

FormerDoormat

It seems to me your husband has two choices now: stop drinking and live or continue drinking and die. He's obviously chosen to continue drinking despite all the negative consequences associated with it, despite suffering the DT's, despite just having spent a month in the ICU.

Since he's made his choice, what do you plan to do? BrandiSue says there's always hope, but as LTD has often said, "hope is not a plan." Just like the alcoholic, their partners have two choices to make: sink along with the alcoholic or swim to safety. I chose to swim to safety.

profoundsadness

i agree with what you are saying, but just so you know, the problem is he doesn't remember anything that happened. i have told him but to accept it is an overwhelming prospect for him -- just as it was overwhelming for me to live it. there is a process that each one of us go through when we are given bad news...specific stages that lead us to the acceptance and planning for the future stage. in between there is a mixture of denial, anger, sadness and finally acceptance before we are able sink our teeths into moving forward. my husband is stuck a bit in the denial and is sad about what i've told him. but it's just that -- i (and the doctors) told him...he can't remember. i am in no way making excuses for him, but i do recognize that he is getting stuck in his healing process...i'm ahead of him in this. while it is as simple as does he want to live or die, the severity of what happened to him hasn't sunk in yet...the mind (and the disease) is a very powerful roadblock. my husband is a wonderful person and deserves to have people in his corner that believe in him and his ability to pick himself up -- he is not disposable. and if i am willing to be that person without sacrificing myself, my dignity or the rest of my life than so be it. the next few months will be rough, but i believe it is worth it. hope isn't the worst thing in the world to have...it brings forth my strengths and allows me to see even the smallest fragment of good in a person. i make my choices with eyes wide open...and a little hope helps shine the way. i send each an everyone one of you my most postive thoughts...

FormerDoormat

I was disposable to my boyfriend. In fact, everything was disposable to him--his home, his girlfriend of 22 years, his child, his job, his health--everything EXCEPT alcohol. He had his beloved bottle at his side the day he drank himself to death. Nothing else mattered to him EXCEPT alcohol and getting his next drink.

Like you, I chose to stand beside him for 22 years until I had sacrificed my happiness, my serenity, my peace of mind, my dignity, my emotional health, my financial health, and my physical health.

The moment one chooses to place an active alcoholic's selfish needs above their own, they sacrifice EVERYTHING. Anyone who believes otherwise is making choices with their eyes wide shut.

Alanon helped me see things more clearly. Do you attend?

mellowchick

I didn't believe my family when they told me what I did, how I was or how I acted when I was using. And I denied being/saying/doing what they described everytime. Their solution? A video camera and they recorded me passing out with lit cigarettes in my hands, my face centimeters away from a plate full of hot food, popping countless pills and leaving them lay around anywhere and everywhere. Talk about a reality check. I could no longer deny it.

profoundsadness

for whatever reason, i feel like i am being condemned by some of you for making this very concious choice of helping my husband. i came for support and what i thought would be understanding...c'est la vie. my eyes are very wide open to the situation as well as to what possible consequences there are. i understand where this road might lead both of us, but hey, i'm very optimistic. i can't control what he does or doesn't do, but i certainly can control my own actions and reactions to the situation.

Freedom1990

The truth of the matter is, he did have some time free of alcohol, and as you said, attended meetings and started therapy.

He was given tools to use in order to maintain sobriety and start making the changes necessary to stay sober long-term.

The truth of the matter is, he made the conscious choice to drink again, just as I did after maintaining 4 years of sobriety, and with plenty of tools at my disposal also.

I have an often unpopular opinion on the subject of hope. I hear people say as long as there is breath, there is hope. I was one of those people who also said that for a long time.

Then a different view of hope was presented to me by another recovering codependent, and the light bulb really came on, and my moment finally came when I completely embraced the concept of letting go when it came to my oldest AD.

Hope is an emotion based on the potential outcome of future events. My program of recovery, whether it be my recovery from alcoholism, or recovery from codependency, is based on living in the moment, and accepting things as they are at that moment, not as I want them to be, not as they might have been once upon a time.

Hope for my oldest AD set me up for disappointment and pain time and time and time again for 10 very long years, and I was insane by the time I finally started letting go and letting God.

Today I have replaced that hope with faith, faith that a loving God has a plan for my oldest AD just as he has had for me all along. Today I stay out of God's way and let him do his work with her.

I sleep well at nights knowing I have lovingly placed her in God's care, even though she remains active in her alcoholism/addictions.

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I found out after we separated that the "I don't remember" line was, in most cases, BS. He "didn't remember" when it was convenient for him not to remember. But, when we were in counseling, he quite remarkably remembered every hurtful thing I ever said to him, even when he appeared to be passed out. Funny how he couldn't remember me telling him what day and time parent teacher conferences were, but he could remember me saying I was sick and tired of being married to him.

I honestly believed he couldn't remember things when drinking. What a sucker I was. It was just another manipulative ploy, and I fell for it completely.

L

profoundsadness

thank you all for your thoughts and wisdom. we are all here for our own reasons and we all can learn from each other. but i do see my situation from a different perspective as i am sure many of you do...i have experience on the addict side from years of battling my own eating disorder. the "help" i am providing is merely assistance...showing him other options and showing my support. it's what someone did for me and something for which i am grateful. in my life, i am my number one priority...family and husband are next. the amnesia part of my husband's disease is very real; the doctors told us he may never remember the withdrawal because it was very traumatic and because it's a possible consequence of the disease. he told me last night that it was very frustrating and upsetting not to remember something that had such dire effects on him as well as me. i can't imagine not remembering the most significant moment(s) in my life...can you? we spoke at length last night (as well as the night before) and we've established groundrules and it is up to both of us to follow them. he hasn't had a drink in two days and is very concious of his actions...and aware of the consequences if he "slips" (or "relapses" whichever you prefer) again. and as for the hope...

HOPE IS THE THING WITH FEATHERS
by Emily Dickinson
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

ToughChoices

What are the ground rules, profoundsadness?
The consequences?

I'm asking because I had MANY conversations with my AH about what I need and wanted, how serious the situation had become, how sobriety was a matter of life or death ..... and when he broke the "rules" that we had so carefully negotiated, I was at a loss as to what my next step should be.

For me it was a set up for intense disappointment, sorrow, and frustration.

Boundaries help me:

If you __________, then, in order to protect myself, I will __________.


It doesn't HAVE to be "If you drink, then, in order to protect myself, I will get a divorce" (although it could be, if that's what you think is best).

It doesn't have to be extreme or black and white. It doesn't have to be devoid of hope and patience.

BUT you deserve some peace, too!!!!!
Spend some time - think about the boundaries that could help bring a little peace to your life.

Take care!
-TC