back again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
back again
I used to post here a long time ago. My partner is an alcoholic. We have a (now) three year old daughter. My partner has been sober for about 6 months. Had been. During this time, things at his job have been getting better and better, his relationship with our daughter has been blossoming, his relationship with me has been better than it's ever been. Prior to his sobriety, life with him was hell. I tiptoed on eggshells, never knowing when he would be drunk or how drunk he would be. I had no trust in him. We had no sexual relationship. I was exhausted because I could never count on him to care for our daughter so I could get a moment to myself. His sobriety changed all that. I've been on cloud nine for 6 months. I started to trust him again. I started to be in love with him again. I started to have hopes and dreams for our future again.
And now he has started drinking again. Throwing all the wonderful things we have gained away. The first time it was obvious . . . he admitted it. I was angry and hurt and devestated but we talked it through. He said it was a bump in the road. I've been suspicious since that time but tonight . . . Tonight while I was in the shower and he was supposed to be playing with our three year old, she came running into the bathroom, upset because she had to pee and needed help on the potty. I said "where's daddy" and started calling him from the shower. No answer. I helped her on the potty and then, dripping wet, came out to look for him. Not in the house. He left her alone. I went for the back door and in he came, making an excuse about having to go look in his car to find his phone (which I knew was in the house). I accused him and he denied it and than got angry, defensive and verbally abusive. I brought our daughter into the bedroom and got her to sleep. He ranted and raved for a while and than passed out snoring.
So here we are again. The wonderful, caring, and calm man that has been my partner for the past 6 months is gone, replaced by this angry stumbling idiot. Where do I go from here. He wasn't even honest about it tonight. Called me an f'in liar. Said I was making things up. I just can't do this again. I'm so disapointed. Is this starting over? Are we right back where we were? Has all our progress been erased?
Thanks for listening
And now he has started drinking again. Throwing all the wonderful things we have gained away. The first time it was obvious . . . he admitted it. I was angry and hurt and devestated but we talked it through. He said it was a bump in the road. I've been suspicious since that time but tonight . . . Tonight while I was in the shower and he was supposed to be playing with our three year old, she came running into the bathroom, upset because she had to pee and needed help on the potty. I said "where's daddy" and started calling him from the shower. No answer. I helped her on the potty and then, dripping wet, came out to look for him. Not in the house. He left her alone. I went for the back door and in he came, making an excuse about having to go look in his car to find his phone (which I knew was in the house). I accused him and he denied it and than got angry, defensive and verbally abusive. I brought our daughter into the bedroom and got her to sleep. He ranted and raved for a while and than passed out snoring.
So here we are again. The wonderful, caring, and calm man that has been my partner for the past 6 months is gone, replaced by this angry stumbling idiot. Where do I go from here. He wasn't even honest about it tonight. Called me an f'in liar. Said I was making things up. I just can't do this again. I'm so disapointed. Is this starting over? Are we right back where we were? Has all our progress been erased?
Thanks for listening
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Is this starting over? Are we right back where we were? Has all our progress been erased?
Now...............................what are YOU going to do for YOU and the Little One?
Now is when AlAnon become a VERY BIG ASSET in one's life. AlAnon will help you to help YOU and the Little One.
Now is when YOU will find face to face folks who have been where you are now, and can help you set boundaries, and get a Plan Of Action going for you and your daughter.
Now you have seen how 'insidious' this addiction is.....................do you really want your daughter to see this, see his progression, feel his anger, feel the tension, etc ? Or do you want a peaceful home for you and your child?
;Some really tough decisions are ahead for you, we will gladly share our own ES&H (Experience, Strength and Hope) but only YOU can make the choices for YOU and your daughter.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and your daughter are doing, as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Hey Mama2Sunshine,
I used to be in your shoes, coming back by this place really brings back old memories for me. When I read these posts its all comes flushing back, I feel your pain, I know what your going through. I lived with my A for 10 very long years. We had 1 daughter together. She is now 12, I left him when she was 6, and he was killed in 2005 while at a party, in a rage, drunk and high. My daughter and I were safe and sound away from him and had been for almost 3 years when that happened. I had begun a brand new life. I had found this place, I went to a couple face to face al-anon meetings, I discovered who I was.
He would get sober, he would fall off again, I would take him back, over and over and over again. We would re-connect, we would fall back apart. I can remember our daughter hiding behind our couch when we would argue, when she was like 3, because she was scared...and I would be so upset that the man I fell in love with was drowning in this sick addiction, and he couldn't see it. My love for him, and our daughters love for him couldn't even save him. Nothing is going to change if nothing changes. Your well being and your daughters depends on you, and the choices you make. What helped me, and Im just sharing it with you, was coming here, asking the questions I wanted to ask, learning about the disease and letting go of my guilt, and pain, and learning to take small steps to make a new life for myself and my daughter. It was very scary, and uncomfortable at first you betcha, but in the end, god rest his soul....I am so very glad I got out, and so saddend that I stayed as long as I did. (Time out of MY life waisted trying to change him/help him)
Now-I have two more beautiful daughters, a completely different healthy life, that little daughter of mine will be 13 this year, and my fiance is adopting her when we get married this May. I have normalcy, I have what I should of had a very long time ago. The only drinking done in our home is if I choose to have a glass of wine once in a blue moon. My dh2b doesn't drink.
It's a terrible situation, its a heart wrenching, draining process loving an alcoholic/addict, you can love them, but you gotta let them go, weather you choose to stay or go. Take care of YOU and that little one.
Just thought I'd share, I know it helped when others shared with me. Try to have a good weekend...
I used to be in your shoes, coming back by this place really brings back old memories for me. When I read these posts its all comes flushing back, I feel your pain, I know what your going through. I lived with my A for 10 very long years. We had 1 daughter together. She is now 12, I left him when she was 6, and he was killed in 2005 while at a party, in a rage, drunk and high. My daughter and I were safe and sound away from him and had been for almost 3 years when that happened. I had begun a brand new life. I had found this place, I went to a couple face to face al-anon meetings, I discovered who I was.
He would get sober, he would fall off again, I would take him back, over and over and over again. We would re-connect, we would fall back apart. I can remember our daughter hiding behind our couch when we would argue, when she was like 3, because she was scared...and I would be so upset that the man I fell in love with was drowning in this sick addiction, and he couldn't see it. My love for him, and our daughters love for him couldn't even save him. Nothing is going to change if nothing changes. Your well being and your daughters depends on you, and the choices you make. What helped me, and Im just sharing it with you, was coming here, asking the questions I wanted to ask, learning about the disease and letting go of my guilt, and pain, and learning to take small steps to make a new life for myself and my daughter. It was very scary, and uncomfortable at first you betcha, but in the end, god rest his soul....I am so very glad I got out, and so saddend that I stayed as long as I did. (Time out of MY life waisted trying to change him/help him)
Now-I have two more beautiful daughters, a completely different healthy life, that little daughter of mine will be 13 this year, and my fiance is adopting her when we get married this May. I have normalcy, I have what I should of had a very long time ago. The only drinking done in our home is if I choose to have a glass of wine once in a blue moon. My dh2b doesn't drink.
It's a terrible situation, its a heart wrenching, draining process loving an alcoholic/addict, you can love them, but you gotta let them go, weather you choose to stay or go. Take care of YOU and that little one.
Just thought I'd share, I know it helped when others shared with me. Try to have a good weekend...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by bonbon 
It's a terrible situation, its a heart wrenching, draining process loving an alcoholic/addict, you can love them, but you gotta let them go, weather you choose to stay or go. Take care of YOU and that little one.
.
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i think once they fall off again...your back at square one. all you can do is move on and make some choices for you and your baby! good luck ((((hugs)))):praying
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I have to be honest, if I was not a Christian I wouldn't have even given divorcing him to much thought. I grew up in a divorced home and my mother divorced my father because he was an alcoholic. I always viewed it as she did me a favor. But I am Christian, so if as a Christian my eyes would have been opened to what a certain text really said if I had read it right and understood it correctly, I would have divorced my husband long ago. However, with age and wisdom, and a more careful study of scripture, I now realize I could have divorced him and would have been doing the right thing. Oh well, now I know, but that was my struggle with God, not with myself as what I should have done. So now in hind site , I think that it would have been the best thing for not just me but possibly for him too.
I am in NO WAY taking blame, I am just saying it 'might' have afforded him an 'opportunity' to hit bottom a lot sooner, before the progression of his body and spirit had more years of drinking. I would never take blame as I know he may never have a bottom, it is just a statement about opportunity.
Hmmmm...if we asked recovering alcoholics who have been divorced on this list if they think it was better for them for their spouses to divorce them I wonder what they would say, how they would share the perspective on it. ???
I am in NO WAY taking blame, I am just saying it 'might' have afforded him an 'opportunity' to hit bottom a lot sooner, before the progression of his body and spirit had more years of drinking. I would never take blame as I know he may never have a bottom, it is just a statement about opportunity.
Hmmmm...if we asked recovering alcoholics who have been divorced on this list if they think it was better for them for their spouses to divorce them I wonder what they would say, how they would share the perspective on it. ???
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