justtired

Hi all. So I'm really not feeling too good today. This had been a hard week actually. Everything is sinking in and I'm not liking what reality is finally telling me. I'm figuring out just how much of my life has been affected by my abf's alcohol/pill addictions and now that my eyes have been opened, I can't shut them again and "unlearn" what I've been learning.

There's still something I can't figure out... and I'm wondering if anyone can help me. I've said in the past that I think my bf can become addicted to anything. For example, if he eats something he likes, he'll eat it for days in a row. He'll run to the store at midnight for a snack if he just HAS to have it.. etc. And lately, since our business has been growing, I've found that he has become more and more "addicted" to our business too. He works all the time. This is every second he's awake, all he thinks about and talks about is the business. He works out of our home so he gets up, sits in his big comfy chair, gets out the laptop and there he stays all day and night unless he needs to leave for a meeting or something. I'm trying to figure out if his pill addiction and work addiction are related. Do you think that if he gave up the pills, that it would open his eyes to the "real world" and he wouldn't be so obsessed with work? Or do you think that the two are separate and just due to his having an addictive personality? The pills and the business kind of peaked at the same time, so I'm not sure what changes in him are due to what. He used to enjoy going and doing things. Now, nothing... ever.

Still trying to figure out what happened to my life and how I ended up where I am. Having a hard time adjusting. Thanks so much for any thoughts.

winnie12

I see that obsessive behavior with my son. He seems to have one thing that he puts every bit of himself into and neglects all other areas of his life during it. It may be a drug, a person, music, exercise. He seems to have a hard time with balance. Its just not something i've been able to explain or talk to him about so i just hope he'll grow out of it.

outtolunch

It certainly sounds like your BF has an obsessive-compulsive thing going on.

Funny how it is that people like that often wind up with people who are obsessive and compulsive about them. Know what I mean?

So instead of focusing on him and his problems what can you do to take better care of yourself? This is not selfish. It's self care. Know what I mean?

justtired

Funny how it is that people like that often wind up with people who are obsessive and compulsive about them. Know what I mean?

You're right. I feel like I have to try so hard to come first. I've told him that I don't feel like I've ever been his priority and he was really surprised. Then he tried to "prove to me" that I was. He quit working for a couple of hours at night for a few days and we watched tv together. Okay, so I thought it was at least a start. Then something came up that needed his attention more and that was the end of that. I guess I need to be more needy. If I NEEDED more attention, I'd probably get it. Because I'm self-sufficient, I get pushed aside I think.

I'm just trying to figure out just how I feel about the relationship overall. If he could find recovery from his addiction, would we return to happy days? Or would the obsession with work still be there? Or something else? I am in no way a needy person and I can take care of myself, but it would be nice to not be overshadowed all the time.

liesagain

My husband during his years of clean time was very addicted to whatever his current interest was..................me, golf,basketball,work, pool whatever.........

he told me later he was trying to fill a void always looking for that 'thing" that would make him feel normal
trouble is none of it lasted and over time nothing worked anymore and he returned to drugs....
he was (during that time) a white nuckle addict .staying clean but not really working a program he had no sense of peace always looking for something more..........

today when I begin to see that behavior I brace myself because this is addict or relapse behavior with him............

pegasus

Yep for me also, my AH would always go to the extreme with whatever he was doing at the time. Whether it be working or just eating. He had 2 caramel toast and enjoyed it so much that he made 4 more with tons more syrup it was crazy. Needless to say, after he indulged..he was sick.

pegasus

Oh and I should state, that he never seems to learn from his mistakes either. He has done that one more than once with the same outcome. Weird...I know

123bubblegum123

I'm the same way. I can literally become addicted to anything (coffee, spider solitaire, word searches, internet, etc..)

It's annoying but if I watch out for red flags of obsessive compulsiveness, I can nip it before it gets bad!

jerect

My husband is addicted to a lot of things besides the pills... football and I'm talking obsessed, not just watching a game on Sunday afternoon...eating, playing playstation hours on end and other things... these things consume him.. I think it goes with the addictive personality..

The most scary and yet humbling thing is... after attending AA/NA meetings for myself.. I notice a lot of the same obsessive compulsive traits that the addicts and alcoholics describe in those meetings in myself.. only difference is I don't use Drugs or Alcohol to cope with or rather avoid my reality.. Instead I abuse food, extreme measures of exercise and try to control other people and manage their lives rather then looking at my own... I'm almost postive that if I ever tried drugs or drinking that I would be sitting on the same side of the coin as my AH.It has caused me to stop in my tracks and do some deep soul searching..

justtired

Funny that you should say that nothing is ever enough. We own a rental property business and he wants to keep growing. I'm more than happy where we are with it. Actually, we're already bigger than I ever thought we'd get. When we started, I said I wanted 5 and he wanted 10. Then he decided to manage them full-time so I was okay with growing a bit bigger. We now have about 20 properties and he's nowhere near wanting to be done. I said I want some kind of a game plan, not just keep going and pushing with no end goal whatsoever. He told me that he honestly doesn't know what's enough for him. He's going to have to find a new partner or buy me out or something at some point because he is well aware that I don't want to keep getting bigger. (And then the hard thing is that if we would ever get married, half of it would be mine anyway!) And he's said a couple times just recently, if only my old high school teachers could see me now. And then we were just recently nominated for a community recognition contest sort of thing and he says, if only that girl from college who said I'd never get anywhere because I used to be poor could see me now. It's so frustrating that these people who really mean nothing to him and who he'll never even see again... and who will probably not even ever KNOW what he's accomplished are the ones he's working so hard to impress. And in the meantime pushing the people away who he DOES care about. He's said since I met him that he's all or nothing. I tell him it's because it's easier that way. No decision making necessary. Either you do or you don't. Life certainly isn't that easy, but that's the world he lives in. And if I tell him that that's something he can be aware of and work on, he just says, "that's just the way I am".

hello-kitty

That's recovery.

Katyrose

"I'm trying to figure out if his pill addiction and work addiction are related. Do you think that if he gave up the pills, that it would open his eyes to the "real world" and he wouldn't be so obsessed with work? Or do you think that the two are separate and just due to his having an addictive personality?"...

Just Tired, my son was the same way. He could never do anything without becoming totally obsessed, whether or not he was clean or using. I think it is definitely part of the addictive personality.

So, I am not a professional, but I feel your second answer is correct...the two are separate and just due to his having an addictive personality.

Katy

Seren

Oy....what a topic. My RAsister is just O-C about a lot of things. She'll go through periods where she will only eat one type of food, she lived someplace once that was wall-to-wall, ceiling-to-floor with cages of birds, gerbils, guinea pigs and fish. During all of this, it is a little distressing to witness, but at least she is not drinking or using coke!

HG

Freedom1990

I had to read over this a few times and found it quite interesting.

I think the healthiest relationship I have ever seen is my AA sponsor (who is also a recovering codependent) and his wife of 17 years. He's been clean/sober for 27 years.

Each of them have their own program of recovery. Each of them put their recovery first and foremost. They have an interdependent relationship, not a dependent relationship. They have activities they enjoy separately, and they have activities they enjoy together. If she tries to get into his program, he slaps her hand, figuratively speaking, and vice versa.

There is no competing for attention. It's truly been a joy to watch them grown in their marriage because I knew far more about what not do to do in a relationship that what do to!

I just know for me, that in my life today, I must take care of self first in all areas or any sort of relationship that I might have is not going to be a healthy one.

I can't sit around waiting for someone else to do that for me.

justtired

We were talking about the future quite some time back. He was talking about us having kids and both of us being able to stay home with the kids every day. This just about made me want to hyperventilate. I mean, no matter how much you love someone, you can't be with them 24-7. I said I'd still want at least a part-time job or do volunteer work or something to still get out of the house. He was crushed and offended that I wouldn't want to spend EVERY second with him. Also, I have my own things that I do without him, but he wants me involved in everything HE does. He's an outdoorsman and he wants me to come fishing / hunting with him. NOT my thing. I've told him several times that those can be his "guy" things. It's GOOD for us to have separate interests. I think he "gets it", but doesn't FEEL it. If that makes sense.

justtired

Okay, well at least I don't live in a jungle. I am thankful for that!

devastated

My son is the same way. I do believe it is an addictive personality.

Whatever he does he does in excess! Well, except being good!

Hugs, Devastated

Amazonqueen522

Funny how it is that people like that often wind up with people who are obsessive and compulsive about them. Know what I mean?

Wow, thanks for your comment, it has opened my eyes to reality I can get very obsessive with my bf. I need to get a life.

jerect

It does seem to become a vicious cycle doesn't it?