boundaries and finances?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 16
boundaries and finances?
I know that I am supposed to set boundaries? Can someone please give me examples. I am reading Melody Beattie's "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps", but I don't really get the boundaries part.
Also, should I cut Ah off from all access to money? Should I take care of the loans he took out behind my back? At first I thought he should have to take care of this stuff, but having any access to do so would give him opportunity.
Any thoughts?
Also, should I cut Ah off from all access to money? Should I take care of the loans he took out behind my back? At first I thought he should have to take care of this stuff, but having any access to do so would give him opportunity.
Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Boundaries, as I understand them, are for you. You tell yourself what you want in your life and what you are willing to live with or what type of behavior you will accept or not accept.
For example: I will not allow people to be verabally abusive to me. When I feel like I am being abused, I will do.... XXXXX and not allow that behavior.
Another... I do no choose to allow those who are using drugs in my home. If someone chooses to be an active user, I will not allow them in my home or if they come to my home I will ask them to leave.
Boundaries are so that you are clear about what you want, will accept and will help you to think about what you will do if you think someone is crossing the line.
Hope that helps. I am sure others will be along to provide support as well.
For example: I will not allow people to be verabally abusive to me. When I feel like I am being abused, I will do.... XXXXX and not allow that behavior.
Another... I do no choose to allow those who are using drugs in my home. If someone chooses to be an active user, I will not allow them in my home or if they come to my home I will ask them to leave.
Boundaries are so that you are clear about what you want, will accept and will help you to think about what you will do if you think someone is crossing the line.
Hope that helps. I am sure others will be along to provide support as well.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((dj))
these are awesome questions and it shows that you are doing great work in looking for what is best for YOU!! Great!!
I can't tell you what you should do for you - but I can share my experience strength and hope - as far as what I did for me.
I had tremendous amounts of problems with my AH (or soon to be ex AH) taking money from me and using it for drugs, gambling or whatever - making it impossible for me to be financially responsible. This made my life unmanagable and me miserable. I found that I needed to take actions to stop that. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over nite - Small changes - no cash in my wallet, locking my purse in my vehicle, no extra checks at my house, changing access codes - etc - things like this finally gave me the help I needed to actually Stop my husband from stealling money from me.
I personally needed to stop paying for things, bills and expenses that I did incur - it was causing me to be resentful, have anger and affecting my serenity. Once I did these things - I was able to live in the household with an Active Addict for quite a long time.
(other things escalated to where I had to leave - but not over stealling money)
Boundaries are for protecting your sanity, serenity and self. They can be difficult at first and uncomfortable for you and others. Slowly and steadily that can provide safety and mutual respect for everyone in your home.
I hope this helps you -
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita
these are awesome questions and it shows that you are doing great work in looking for what is best for YOU!! Great!!
I can't tell you what you should do for you - but I can share my experience strength and hope - as far as what I did for me.
I had tremendous amounts of problems with my AH (or soon to be ex AH) taking money from me and using it for drugs, gambling or whatever - making it impossible for me to be financially responsible. This made my life unmanagable and me miserable. I found that I needed to take actions to stop that. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over nite - Small changes - no cash in my wallet, locking my purse in my vehicle, no extra checks at my house, changing access codes - etc - things like this finally gave me the help I needed to actually Stop my husband from stealling money from me.
I personally needed to stop paying for things, bills and expenses that I did incur - it was causing me to be resentful, have anger and affecting my serenity. Once I did these things - I was able to live in the household with an Active Addict for quite a long time.
(other things escalated to where I had to leave - but not over stealling money)
Boundaries are for protecting your sanity, serenity and self. They can be difficult at first and uncomfortable for you and others. Slowly and steadily that can provide safety and mutual respect for everyone in your home.
I hope this helps you -
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Try reading Melodie's Codependent No More along with her guide to the 12 steps, think that might help a bit more too.
It's hard about the loans, because it can effect your credit too when you're married, but as an example - that was a great "boundary" you said yourself about them - he took them out behind your back, they are his responsibility. Not your problem. But, reality is that they might be your problem, but that is a legal matter. Your initial reaction however, was great!
Boundaries are also listening to what others say, but believing their actions. If their words and actions match, you have no issue - but if what they say and do do not match, focus on what they do. My AH had a way (as most of them do) of twisting and turning reality to try to distract and deflect me. That is crazy-making stuff.
((hugs))
It's hard about the loans, because it can effect your credit too when you're married, but as an example - that was a great "boundary" you said yourself about them - he took them out behind your back, they are his responsibility. Not your problem. But, reality is that they might be your problem, but that is a legal matter. Your initial reaction however, was great!
Boundaries are also listening to what others say, but believing their actions. If their words and actions match, you have no issue - but if what they say and do do not match, focus on what they do. My AH had a way (as most of them do) of twisting and turning reality to try to distract and deflect me. That is crazy-making stuff.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
When it comes to financial issues, rely on an attorney who knows the laws in your state. In many states, the debt acquired by one party becomes an obligation of both parties. A good attorney can sort this out in an hour's time and give you your options and make you aware of the consequences.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
d73
I'm glad you brought this up because this is the one thing that I struggle with... I'm very financially responsible, my AH is NOT..
One thing that I have done to protect myself financially is that I opened up a secret checking account at a separate bank... I stash extra money in there as much as I can, that way if something does happen I will be able to cover all the bills that are in my name and keep the basic household things running..
As for my AH... I keep all of my finances separate from him... The only thing we have together is a checking account.. So far my AH has been pretty good about not withdrawing money without us discussing it first but I have that other checking account to fall back on if he messes up and does something stupid . Creditors call my cell phone day and night trying to reach my AH because of past due bills that he incurred before I even met him... I just give them AH's cell phone number and politely ask them not to bother me again.. I figure it is up to him to make payment arrangements with these people not me..
We even file our taxes seperatly.. I kept my maiden name so I just file single.. (i know that I'm not supposed to do that but we have no kids and no deductions other then the standard stuff so I figure it is not really that big of a deal) I do this because my AH owes a lot of money in back taxes... he has set up a payment plan for his federal but he has yet to aknowledge the nasty letters our state has sent him... he got into this mess because he filled out his W4 forms wrong and for two years he never had any taxes taken out of his check... (ouch)
We do our taxes this way because I honestly just do not want my name or SSI number associated with his whatsoever.. I've worked very hard at keeping my credit rating good and with the economy like it is it's getting tougher for a lot of folks to do that.
Finances and boundaries are hard for me...
I'm glad you brought this up because this is the one thing that I struggle with... I'm very financially responsible, my AH is NOT..
One thing that I have done to protect myself financially is that I opened up a secret checking account at a separate bank... I stash extra money in there as much as I can, that way if something does happen I will be able to cover all the bills that are in my name and keep the basic household things running..
As for my AH... I keep all of my finances separate from him... The only thing we have together is a checking account.. So far my AH has been pretty good about not withdrawing money without us discussing it first but I have that other checking account to fall back on if he messes up and does something stupid . Creditors call my cell phone day and night trying to reach my AH because of past due bills that he incurred before I even met him... I just give them AH's cell phone number and politely ask them not to bother me again.. I figure it is up to him to make payment arrangements with these people not me..
We even file our taxes seperatly.. I kept my maiden name so I just file single.. (i know that I'm not supposed to do that but we have no kids and no deductions other then the standard stuff so I figure it is not really that big of a deal) I do this because my AH owes a lot of money in back taxes... he has set up a payment plan for his federal but he has yet to aknowledge the nasty letters our state has sent him... he got into this mess because he filled out his W4 forms wrong and for two years he never had any taxes taken out of his check... (ouch)
We do our taxes this way because I honestly just do not want my name or SSI number associated with his whatsoever.. I've worked very hard at keeping my credit rating good and with the economy like it is it's getting tougher for a lot of folks to do that.
Finances and boundaries are hard for me...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
A book I read years ago that helped me a lot with this issue is -
Boundaries by Anne Katherine
It was particularly helpful because I got a sense of why I didn't have good boundaries or know what they are to begin with.
And to this day I'm still working on it - to have good boundaries it is important to know yourself, so it is a lifelong journey
Good Luck
Boundaries by Anne Katherine
It was particularly helpful because I got a sense of why I didn't have good boundaries or know what they are to begin with.
And to this day I'm still working on it - to have good boundaries it is important to know yourself, so it is a lifelong journey
Good Luck
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