Forced into Choosing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Forced into Choosing
I mean this message to be a potential wake-up call for those of you still struggling with whether or not to leave an actively alcoholic spouse. My posting on these boards has been sporadic--I have left (usually to my parents) but not divorced my AH on many occasions, this last time for a fairly lengthy time (almost 6 months) but then I went back because he was working a program and staying sober. Actually, that right there is a lie--I left, he got sober and started going to AA, I tried to hold my ground by saying we still needed to get legally separated and I needed to see a year of sobriety before I would be comfortable living under the same roof, and then...I totally reneged like the codie that I am, and by the time I actually did move back, I already knew that he was drinking again (and again, it seemed to be spurned on once he got a job, because of course, he hated the job, and of course, it wasn't a job worthy of his brilliance and education level, so of course, he needed to drink to control his panic attacks and misery at having to work such a horrible job--this has been the cycle for the last few years). So, to be truthful, I moved back into what I already knew was an unhealthy situation, but I did it hoping, once again, that what he said about just needing me and dd at home to be happy was true. Once I moved back, he went back on the wagon for a spell, and then fell off again, spectacularly. Which brings me to the cautionary portion of my tale...
I was trying to pretend to everyone who loves me that everything was OK, because I didn't want to tell anyone about my current woes, and about the fact that AH was drinking again and abusing me every night (by berating me incessantly, calling me incessantly at work and when I would go out for errands, throwing drinks in my face, throwing the remote control around so I couldn't even relax in front of the TV, etc.), until I thought I was certain and comfortable with my decision to leave him. Well, I don't know what I thought I was waiting for, because my decision to clue him in on the fact that I wanted a divorce only escalated the situation, with the climax coming today...when he beat the ever living hell out of me. I have a swollen shut and black and blue eye, a swollen cheek, and multiple bruises on my hands and back. He literally chased me out into the parking lot with a golf club at one point, and it was only because I was able to peal out of the lot quickly enough that he didn't smash in my windows with it. Me, being the sick codie that I apparently am, still was trying to figure out how I was going to "spin" this one, until I figured out, finally, that....it was over. I couldn't spin it, I couldn't lie for him anymore, I now have no choice but to divorce him, no matter how sorry for him I feel or how much I pity him or how much I hope he'll get well. I should have left with my face intact a long time ago.
I was trying to pretend to everyone who loves me that everything was OK, because I didn't want to tell anyone about my current woes, and about the fact that AH was drinking again and abusing me every night (by berating me incessantly, calling me incessantly at work and when I would go out for errands, throwing drinks in my face, throwing the remote control around so I couldn't even relax in front of the TV, etc.), until I thought I was certain and comfortable with my decision to leave him. Well, I don't know what I thought I was waiting for, because my decision to clue him in on the fact that I wanted a divorce only escalated the situation, with the climax coming today...when he beat the ever living hell out of me. I have a swollen shut and black and blue eye, a swollen cheek, and multiple bruises on my hands and back. He literally chased me out into the parking lot with a golf club at one point, and it was only because I was able to peal out of the lot quickly enough that he didn't smash in my windows with it. Me, being the sick codie that I apparently am, still was trying to figure out how I was going to "spin" this one, until I figured out, finally, that....it was over. I couldn't spin it, I couldn't lie for him anymore, I now have no choice but to divorce him, no matter how sorry for him I feel or how much I pity him or how much I hope he'll get well. I should have left with my face intact a long time ago.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
I'm sorry that this had to be your bottom. I hope it REALLY IS! Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for mine, despite lowering it - again and again. First I thought verbal abuse would be - then I thought emotional abuse would be - then I surely thought cheating would be and of course I believe physical abuse IS - because it's never happened. Then again - I think they may use that as a last resort, when they start to realize that none of the other ones are working any longer. I suppose that is one of the things that scares me about leaving. Now that you are there and have made it through this, I'm glad that you are planning to take those necessary steps!
One thing I have learned is that A's will do ANYTHING to get their enabler back (if they haven't found a good replacement - and most times we've been the best there is) ... and we codies are right there - waiting for it.
I hope this is your cue to start healing, both physically and emotionally. Only those of us who are pulled back, time and time again, can truly understand the 'codie' in us who wants to believe that things can and will get better.
Good luck to you in your recovery
One thing I have learned is that A's will do ANYTHING to get their enabler back (if they haven't found a good replacement - and most times we've been the best there is) ... and we codies are right there - waiting for it.
I hope this is your cue to start healing, both physically and emotionally. Only those of us who are pulled back, time and time again, can truly understand the 'codie' in us who wants to believe that things can and will get better.
Good luck to you in your recovery
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Just an unsolicited piece of advice which I think might nonetheless be of great use to you in your divorce proceeding.... if you have not done so already, take a photo of yourself and your injuries, or have someone else do it for you, or better yet go to the police station and have it done and file a domestic abuse complaint while you are at it... it will be invaluable in a divorce hearing and cut through any lies or manipulation that he throws up to lengthen the proceedings...
Best wishes to you...
Best wishes to you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Actually, I was thinking about going tomorrow to file a restraining order against him. My only question about that is, what do I do about the fact that he is still living in our home, and has no money to leave? Do I give him money to leave? Turn him out into the streets and let him deal with it? I don't know. I'm thinking I will just let him stay there until the date of a hearing on the order, then give him some money to get out--money I will then deduct from whatever I was going to give him in the divorce.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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Walk into the police station, file charges, and go right from there to the court to get a Temporary Protection Order, which will force him to leave the house.
In 2 to 4 weeks, depending on the Court Backlog, you will go back to court to get the Permanent Protective Order.
That my dear as Assault and Battery and he definitely crossed the line. His butt needs to be sitting in jail for domestic violence.
When he makes bail and gets out of jail he will be served with the TPO and if he shows up at the house, call the police and they will haul him back to jail.
Where he lives is not your problem. Those are the consequences of HIS ACTIONS and HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
Also, please call and talk with your nearest Domestic Violence Center. They have counselors and others forms of help available to you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
In 2 to 4 weeks, depending on the Court Backlog, you will go back to court to get the Permanent Protective Order.
That my dear as Assault and Battery and he definitely crossed the line. His butt needs to be sitting in jail for domestic violence.
When he makes bail and gets out of jail he will be served with the TPO and if he shows up at the house, call the police and they will haul him back to jail.
Where he lives is not your problem. Those are the consequences of HIS ACTIONS and HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
Also, please call and talk with your nearest Domestic Violence Center. They have counselors and others forms of help available to you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Some her my AH story and they say they understand why I have stayed this long, ( getting divorce now though) others say they would have been gone long ago. I here a story like yours, worse then mine, and I think I would be gone, and i know it is true.
So I just want to support you. Yes, fly the white flag of surrender, he has forced you the choose, to give him the divorce he obviously wants. And then looking at it from the other side of the fence you have chosen that you are giving him the divorce he deserves to receive. Then there is the there is no choice to be made, you are divorcing him because of his misconduct within a marriage. Hey which ever helps you grasp hold to the power of your decision, hold onto it. Your life depends on it!!!
Will you be pressing charges too?
I will be praying for you, your healing, your protection, your strength, your wisdom and your God given assurance to your decision. And most for the unconditional love that God gives through others. And I will also stand in the gap and pray for your AH and I will be starting with the Spirit enlightening him too a heart wrenching conviction and God intervening with actual here and now discipline.
So here is some love coming your way from me: You are precious in God's site. He wants you to find rest in him so hand your will to him so he can do what he wills and care for you. You have God given worth, a worth so great that the God of the universe died for you, He understands your pain. So much, that even now there is a board of people, prepared for this hour, who will read your story and will be praying for you.
love tammy
So I just want to support you. Yes, fly the white flag of surrender, he has forced you the choose, to give him the divorce he obviously wants. And then looking at it from the other side of the fence you have chosen that you are giving him the divorce he deserves to receive. Then there is the there is no choice to be made, you are divorcing him because of his misconduct within a marriage. Hey which ever helps you grasp hold to the power of your decision, hold onto it. Your life depends on it!!!
Will you be pressing charges too?
I will be praying for you, your healing, your protection, your strength, your wisdom and your God given assurance to your decision. And most for the unconditional love that God gives through others. And I will also stand in the gap and pray for your AH and I will be starting with the Spirit enlightening him too a heart wrenching conviction and God intervening with actual here and now discipline.
So here is some love coming your way from me: You are precious in God's site. He wants you to find rest in him so hand your will to him so he can do what he wills and care for you. You have God given worth, a worth so great that the God of the universe died for you, He understands your pain. So much, that even now there is a board of people, prepared for this hour, who will read your story and will be praying for you.
love tammy
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
MQ I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I too went thru a similar experience with my XAH - 24 years of it. The only thing he didn't do was hit me. Thru the years of drinking, rehab, white knuckling, etc my acceptance level progressively spiraled downwards. Just like alcoholism my codie addiction is/was also progressive.
I finally left him last August. For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them - without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
I HAD to start looking after myself, I had to find myself again. Has it been easy? Hell no in fact at times it has been extremely painful - not easy to face the pain/ghosts long buried. But it is necessary.
You say you have been forced into choosing, In a way so was I last August. I never thought I would be saying this a few months later - I am grateful that this happened, otherwise I would not be the person I am now - one that is happy, content, peaceful, grounded and smiling! I hope this turns into a gift for you too. K.
I finally left him last August. For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them - without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
I HAD to start looking after myself, I had to find myself again. Has it been easy? Hell no in fact at times it has been extremely painful - not easy to face the pain/ghosts long buried. But it is necessary.
You say you have been forced into choosing, In a way so was I last August. I never thought I would be saying this a few months later - I am grateful that this happened, otherwise I would not be the person I am now - one that is happy, content, peaceful, grounded and smiling! I hope this turns into a gift for you too. K.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((Mambo Queen)))......sending you hugs and thoughts of healing. You deserve so much more than this. Please stay strong and let his actions be met with his consequences. Spend every bit of energy you have left taking care of YOU.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((((((mamboqueen)))))))
I say ditto Laurie - and make sure you get pictures of your injuries too.
That is insanity.
I also kept waiting to know when to divorce my Ex and the day he started throwing everything around the house and smashing things during an argument with me (the same argument we'd been having for 5 years) I snapped the hell out of my denial and was like, Oh I guess it's over today, or I'm next!! And yet I still felt bad when he actually moved out. (SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Thankfully therapy has turned my head around straight..
Thanks for this MQ it is a painful reminder that codependence is serious and needs serious attention and has serious consequences.
Please take care of yourself and DD. And I am so relieved you are here, able to post...you know what I'm sayin'???
peace-
B.
I say ditto Laurie - and make sure you get pictures of your injuries too.
That is insanity.
I also kept waiting to know when to divorce my Ex and the day he started throwing everything around the house and smashing things during an argument with me (the same argument we'd been having for 5 years) I snapped the hell out of my denial and was like, Oh I guess it's over today, or I'm next!! And yet I still felt bad when he actually moved out. (SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Thankfully therapy has turned my head around straight..
Thanks for this MQ it is a painful reminder that codependence is serious and needs serious attention and has serious consequences.
Please take care of yourself and DD. And I am so relieved you are here, able to post...you know what I'm sayin'???
peace-
B.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Sorry your going through this. I recently left my AH and will keep your story in mind if tempted to go back. It seems to get worse every time we return because they figure they can do whatever they want and we'll come back. Stay strong and protect yourself and your DD. They do get worse over time as the disease does progress.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Thank you for posting this.
Although not a violent person, I really would hate to put my partner through any one of the things you have gone through.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Your words helped me stay sober today.
Although not a violent person, I really would hate to put my partner through any one of the things you have gone through.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Your words helped me stay sober today.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Listen to Laurie, protect yourself!! I hope you get angry real soon and put that anger to good use, you don't deserve this, it's not your fault.
Laurie's post was only good advice, police, photograph, restraining order.
Laurie's post was only good advice, police, photograph, restraining order.
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