msu0712

Hello,

i am new to these message boards...i need any thoughts on my situation please...i was introduced to a man about 2 months ago by a mutual friend...we are both in our early 40's with no children, but sadly live several states apart so we talk everyday and he is planning to fly to meet me in two weeks...he is from the same state as i am originally but moved to a new state a few months before we started talking to take a new job as things are tough in my state...

we really have talked about some deep things but today he wanted to be honest and told me that he is an alcoholic...he hasn't had a drink in 13 years and he said he is fine with me drinking around him...i don't know all of the circumstances yet of what caused him to drink...

does anyone have advice or thoughts on what i should ask him or what if anything i should be concerned about now...i just want to make sure, although i know there are no guarantees, that it sounds like he is on the right road and won't drink again...

i really appreciate any insights

GiveLove

Hey, msu, welcome to SR!

Lots of questions popped into my head when I was reading your post. Some are just things to just ask yourself as a reality check:

Have you physically met this man yet? Or have you only met remotely?
Do you have a history of getting involved with people with substance abuse issues? Do you think you have any sort of addiction tendencies yourself? Have you noticed any subtle little red flags in any of your conversations with him, things that don't feel 100% right but you can't put your finger on why?

For me, 12 years sobriety is a pretty decent track record. But there are lots of unanswered questions, like, (no offense) is he telling the truth? To what does he attribute his sobriety - does he work a program of any kind? Often alcoholics will be carrying around baggage from their previous drinking lives.....infidelities, debts, even children. Does he? Does he have other addictions he's substituted for the alcohol? (that happens a lot) Does he blame the world for his problems? What's been his history in relationships?

See? Lots of questions, not many answers. You kinda have to keep all of this in mind as you move through these early days in a relationship.

Take it slow, slow, slow, and trust your instincts if they tell you something feels wrong or out of place - it sounds like you WILL if you're wise enough to ask for insight at this stage of things!!

Keep stopping back in. There is a ton of wisdom and support here whenever you need it.

tommyk

Meet him. He appears to be overly honest.

Don't condemn him for telling the truth.

People can tell all of the stories they want about alcoholics, but none matter, the man is an individual.

msu0712

Hi Give Love,

thank you so much for your thoughts...i do have a lot to think about but to answer a few of your questions...

no we haven't met physically yet...a mutual friend introduced us by giving each other our email address so we have only emailed and talked on the phone...he is flying back to my state to meet me in 2 weeks...

no i don't have a history of dating or even knowing anyone with addition problems, so this is completely new to me...no i have no addiction problems myself..no i have had absolutely no red flags in my conversations with him...i am a human resources person so i have a pretty good feel of people...

i don't know if he is telling the truth...the person that set us up doesn't know him that well..but everything that he has told me has added up and i have googled a few things like his high school, divorce date etc that added up...he did tell me when we first started chatting that he didn't drink and that he hadn't in 12 years...

he has no children, was married once for 5 years and went through a divorce last year when his spouse cheated...he said he did cheat on someone when he was in his 20's but hasn't since then...

do i ask him any questions this early in the stage of things or do i just take it slowly and trust my instincts?

thanks again so much for your thoughts and support,

deezaldog

Welcome msu, givelove had many of the same questions I had. 12 yrs sobriety is a great time length but he is still an alcoholic. We alcoholics must work every minute for sobriety. Even those with 20+ yrs of sobriety still work a program to maintain sobriety. He said it doesnt bother him if you drink, maybe at first but they say "if you go to the barber often enough, eventually you will get a haircut" Take things sloooowly. Chances are that if he is hiding anything it would have been the fact he admits being an alcoholic.

1dayatatime1

It appears that your looking for a serious relationship with this guy is this true? Whether you are or your not, an alcoholicis will always be an alcoholic. There is no such thing that I'm aware of where an alcoholic came become a social drinker. Knowing that up front told you that he was an alcoholic tells me much about him. He has put his cards on the table by being honest with you. Now, If he has been sober for 12/13 years as he has indicated, I would go on doing what you have been doing. In my opinion he would prefer for you not to change your ways because he's an alcoholic if your relationship is to grow. I have been sober for three years and my wife has an occasional glass of wine when we go out for dinner. Afterall it's not her fault that I'm a drunk. Go for it you'll know if it isn't wright. Good luck.

msu0712

thanks deezaldog,

he told me that he didn't mind if i drank weeks ago before he told me today about being an alcoholic...i will ask him again as it isn't an issue for me not to drink around him...

i am actually quite glad that he told me as i can only imagine how hard it was for him...

what i don't quite understand is are there differing degree of alcoholism or if you are an alcoholic you're an alcoholic

msu0712

i wouldn't be interested in meeting him if i didn't think there was a possibility of something serious...he lives long distance from me and i am looking to settle down with someone one day, but i am in no hurry...

i appreciate your thoughts very much, and i will go slowly...my gut so far tells me that he is sincere...he told me that he wanted to be honest with me because he does care about me...he said that if i get cold feet at any point he will respect me...

thanks again

BBD

My girlfriend dated an alcoholic that had absolutely no problem with her drinking. As a matter of fact, he was the life of any party we were at together. He has years under his belt and enjoys people to much to not be around some people that do drink. Take it slow and I do wish you luck. Smiles, Bonnie

Ago

Sober alcoholics with long term sobriety are just like anyone else, just "more so" in my experience.

What I mean by that, is I have had a wonderful long term relationship with a sober alcoholic that was simply amazing. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the relationship I had with her.

I have many friends as well that have long term sobriety, and I love them dearly, they are wonderful human beings.

However, in 16 years around the "rooms" of alcoholics anonymous I also know of many many people with long term sobriety I still view as "ill". I don't "want what they have" on any level, and would be appalled if one started dating a close friend, and it doesn't have anything to do with whether they relapse or not.

So, my experience with sober alcoholics has been both "better then" and "worse then" my experience with "normal" people. There are a lot of attractive qualities about a "truly" sober alcoholic in my opinion, the tools they learn to cope with life, the spiritual seeking etc. but alcohol was but a symptom, if they haven't addressed the underlying causes of their alcoholism, chances are they are "sicker" then your average Joe.

One thing I learned, in relationships, as in movies, there is NO such thing as a "surprise ending", we are ALWAYS "given the information", such as a prospective date will talk about their "inability to commit" or maybe mention in passing they have never had a relationship last longer then 6 months. I have never seen a "con man" or a "charmer" be able to maintain a facade for very long, his "wiring" will show if you take this slow.

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THIS MAN TELLS YOU in the first few months, how is his program? how is his relationship with his ex-girlfriends? does he have kids? what is his relationship with them? Has he ever had a restraining order against him? history of spousal abuse? Does he maintain long term friendships? Is he an active participant in his own recovery? Has he gone to therapy? Does he have a sponsor? Does he attend meetings regularly? Does he maintain friendships with both men and women?

He will give you all the information you need to know, your job is to pay attention.

endzoner

hi there , recoving alki here , I married the man of my dreams and beleive it or not , we didnt meet face to face , but thu the internet , Now im not pro nor con on internet dating , It has its up and lots more downs . When I first met the Mr He contacted me in a chat room . And with in our first of many converstations I told him I was an alki and I dont drink , I was just barly 2 yrs sober then , I know for many stop signs would raise , But we spoke on the phone daily , like you . and hadnt met face to face till 2 months into the relationship . He could have very well bolted once I told him bout myself , But I beleive in starting off with out lies or miss trust , Tho I had no idea where it was leading to at the time . Hes a Normie , can have a beer now and then and has gone as long as several months with out one , Matter fact he drank more outta bordom b4 he and I joined into a relationship . But now very seldome drinks , but its not a problem for me if he does , I would never denie him the choices of wanting one , But respects my desires not to , and supports my recovery 100% . He too was long distance , and moved me here to be with him . Was my choice to do so . Was he takin a chance on me ? you bet yah .. what person wouldnt tell another they were insane for moving some woman you met on the internet that is an alki .. But he took a chance me . why to this day I dont know .. but its worked for both of us . Ive never drank in his presence . and never plan on it today , I beleive we all deserve a chance , your mind and heart will tell you what all you need to know. But meeting him cant hurt anything if its not to your liking , youve more then likely gained a good friend . But like many with addictions were good at leaving things out , ask questions im sure he will be more then happy to fill in the blanks for you . as was I . BTW i married this man . and have never been happier , many ppl cant beleive " you met on the net " they are just in awe over the entire thing , But weirder things have happend . I wish you the best of luck and turly hope it works out for you .

FormerDoormat

Should you be concerned? Based on my experience, yes. I think GiveLove has given you lots to think about. It's important to answer these questions before you become too entangled emotionally to make a level headed decision.

gemeritus

I like Endzoner's response the best. We are all taking a chance no matter what we do, there are no guarantees. My girlfriend chose me when I was actively drinking, and I never thought I could give it up. But now I'm almost 8 days sober, and I'm not going back. This is my choice, not a "miracle."

One thing to consider, is how many people do you know who have been willing to uproot their entire existence to make a change that will preserve their health and well-being? And keep at it for more than a decade? It's not easy at first, but it's probably just an afterthought for your gent. A reminder of a past life.

I believe I'm qualified to give this opinion. The cause of his (and all our) drinking is that he chose to drink. He chose at some point in his life to put his hand on a drink and hoist it up to his mouth. After that, he might not have reacted to it in the same way that you would if you drank, but that doesn't mean there is some hidden "cause" other than pure physiology.

What bothers me most about the posts here is the way certain opinions are bantered about as medical fact. This is irresponsible. You haven't been in these circles, so you might not recognize this.

Nowhere in any modern medical texts will you find the phrase "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Nor will you find it called an incurable disease. Your doctor won't tell you that you are "powerless" over alcohol if you drink too much. She might tell you to stop drinking or die, however.

We might not be able to drink like anybody else, but for one of us to state that it is like this for every alcoholic is pure gibberish.

Some alcoholics believe that the "underlying cause" of their compulsive drinking behavior is rooted in spiritual matters, thus they seek out a Higher Power to relieve them of their alcoholism and restore them to sanity. And there is nothing wrong with this, if it helps great! But to state this as a fact to someone who hasn't signed up for the program is again, irresponsible.

Did you know, the majority of those who have successfully quit and stayed quit did it without any program or treatment? They just decided to stop drinking now and forever.

That's how I'm doing it. Yes, I get cravings now and then. However I get to live life, and don't have to work every minute to maintain sobriety. I'm actually here because I love to write and am getting practice.

But we are all different, and to each their own. Just wanted to make sure that you are aware that everything you read here is just an opinion, and you should do your own independent research about what you are getting into.

Having said that, IMHO go for it!!! Just from the surface he sounds like a great guy.

msu0712

thanks gemeritus,

you did give me a different perspective and i appreciate it...he does on accounts that i can judge so far seem like a good person...what struck me is that he chose to tell me he had a drinking problem with no prompting on my part at the risk that i wouldn't want to have anything more to do with him...i do believe that he had no other motivation than he cares about me and wants to make sure that he is honest so i can make the right decision for me...

i definitely have more questions for him about it to help me to understand him better, but i would whether he was an alcoholic or not...

i think i would regret it if i didn't at least give this a chance by meeting him...he did tell me when we first started talking that he prays every day and that does give him strength, so that may be part of what helped him 12 or 13 years ago when he quit drinking...

again thanks for your perspective you sound like you are a thoughtful man so i appreciate it...

msu0712

thanks endzoner,

your post really made sense to me...this person is a risk but there isn't a man or woman out there who especially at my age in my early 40's doesn't have some baggage...

i have promised myself and i will tell him that i want to go slowly...i will make sure i get all of my questions answered that i think will help me...

congratulations on finding your mister wonderful and your best wishes...

msu0712

thanks ago,

your thoughts and insights were very helpful...i especially liked your thought on a "sober alcoholic"...

you gave me a lot of good questions to find out about him...time will tell but i have decided that i do want to meet him or i would regret it...i will make sure though that i move slowly and get my questions answered to feel comfortable that he is being completely honest with me...

msu0712

thanks bonnie!

gemeritus

You seem like a very reasonable person, MSU. I think by his admission of past use, he just wanted to show you that trust is important to him and that he respects your intelligence.

I think you'll do very well, and applaud you! We alkies are a creative bunch, as we had to learn a way to live that isn't necessarily in our nature. I bet you'll find him to be a very interesting person.

Hey, send me a PM after you meet. Let me know how it goes.

msu0712

Hi gemeritus,

thanks again for your thoughts...he is a really interesting person and matches my humor and intelligence on many levels...we have gotten to know each other slowly through email and phone calls...i know that isn't the same as in person connection, but it has bonded us more as we are basing our interest more on compatibility of interests and who the person is rather than just the physical as we have no choice at this point...but yes we are also attracted to each other physically from seeing each others pictures...

i do wonder your thoughts on is there a difference between someone having a drinking problem and someone being an alcoholic...does it matter...i don't know if he has chosen to quit drinking because it got out of hand and didn't want it to control him anymore even on a level of having an occasional drink, or if he literally can't drink at all...do you have any thoughts on what types of questions i should ask him...i guess what i am asking is what would be helpful for me to ask and know about why he drank and why he quit...

i will keep you posted