Keeping up the charade....do it for the kids....
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Keeping up the charade....do it for the kids....
As a widow with small children, who lost her husband to heroin addiction, I have stated earlier that my plan is to tell the children when they are old enough about their father and what really happened to him. The charade right now is to tell anyone who asks (or has asked) that he simply died of a heart attack. My intention would be to deliver the news with love and hopefully I will raise them with stories of love and delight about their father, so that the news would be balanced and their image of their father would not only be one of an addict, but also of the amazing, beautiful man he was when he was sober.
...which brings me to my question. For those of your with children (or grandchildren) whose father or mother is an addict, how do you approach this and how have you handled it? Do you simply say that "daddy is very sick" or do you expound upon that and tell the details..? Or have you chosen not to tell them the details? I would be very interested in hearing examples of what people have done and it's been handled...my children are but 2 and 3, so I don't see me telling them the details for quite some time, but I do plan on being honest with them at some point.
(The title of this thread is the unsolicited advice I've been given by my late AH's friend and brother (both of which have used heroin at some point...))
...which brings me to my question. For those of your with children (or grandchildren) whose father or mother is an addict, how do you approach this and how have you handled it? Do you simply say that "daddy is very sick" or do you expound upon that and tell the details..? Or have you chosen not to tell them the details? I would be very interested in hearing examples of what people have done and it's been handled...my children are but 2 and 3, so I don't see me telling them the details for quite some time, but I do plan on being honest with them at some point.
(The title of this thread is the unsolicited advice I've been given by my late AH's friend and brother (both of which have used heroin at some point...))
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
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I don't know if it's right or not, but I did always tell my daughter that daddy is sick, not feeling well, very tired etc. My ABF is in jail right now, but when he was here, and nodding off, eyes rolling, passing out that is what I said to her. She would just kind of shrug her shoulders, say, "again?" and walk away.
I personally don't want to share any details about his addiction with her. I don't really understand it all myself and wouldn't want to be asked a question by my daughter that I just don't know how to answer.
I personally don't want to share any details about his addiction with her. I don't really understand it all myself and wouldn't want to be asked a question by my daughter that I just don't know how to answer.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 269
We (my RAH and I) have two children. My husband used his migraines to obtain most of his drugs from doctors that he abused. Our daughters knew that daddy was sick, headaches, so that is what they know. It works for my family, but I know that every family is different.
scorpgrl1978
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
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Later on, as they get older, you can perhaps differentiate to them what is sick as in "cold/flu" sick, and sick when someone is mentally ill or abuses drugs. Saying he is sick works fine, because children can comprehend that slightly better for now, and technically it is the truth.
What they must understand is that while someone who has cancer, or is terminally ill, or the like, should be loved and supported and cared for, (as, technically, should the addict actively seeking treatment)....but later in life perhaps you can explain that the disease of addiction caused their father to make poor choices, and inhibited his judgments that could have posed a threat to your entire family if he allowed it to get out of control. His disease was self-destructive, and it is what killed him.
I think it would be wise to speak more thoroughly with a therapist about this subject matter, as this is something that affects me as well. I am concerned b/c I fear that my children are predisposed to addiction themselves, and I want to educate them, and prevent them from being curious if possible. Would me telling them the whole truth make them curious enough to seem out experimentation themselves, had I not just left it alone and spoken nothing of it? That is a concern of mine, and quite frankly, b/c they are generally the same age as your children, I realize I have some time to do research and speak to specialists about this as well.
Perhaps we should both go to libraries as a good start? Just do some research on the matter; how to bring it up, how to talk to children about addiction, etc etc.....I do agree that they need to know and understand the negative consequences that come about, even just from "experimentation". That NOTHING is truly safe to try....really.
What they must understand is that while someone who has cancer, or is terminally ill, or the like, should be loved and supported and cared for, (as, technically, should the addict actively seeking treatment)....but later in life perhaps you can explain that the disease of addiction caused their father to make poor choices, and inhibited his judgments that could have posed a threat to your entire family if he allowed it to get out of control. His disease was self-destructive, and it is what killed him.
I think it would be wise to speak more thoroughly with a therapist about this subject matter, as this is something that affects me as well. I am concerned b/c I fear that my children are predisposed to addiction themselves, and I want to educate them, and prevent them from being curious if possible. Would me telling them the whole truth make them curious enough to seem out experimentation themselves, had I not just left it alone and spoken nothing of it? That is a concern of mine, and quite frankly, b/c they are generally the same age as your children, I realize I have some time to do research and speak to specialists about this as well.
Perhaps we should both go to libraries as a good start? Just do some research on the matter; how to bring it up, how to talk to children about addiction, etc etc.....I do agree that they need to know and understand the negative consequences that come about, even just from "experimentation". That NOTHING is truly safe to try....really.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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HW....I am so sorry you are living through this. With little ones like yours, I think you are right to not tell them details and truth at this point. Somewhere down the line, it may be appropriate... you will know when it is time to tell them. I kept the truth from my kids about their Dad. Thought I was doing the right thing to protect them and I guess in someways to protect him. When the truth finally came out my kids were older and they were very angry with me. My feeling is that I had protected them so well, that they never saw or realized the pain that their father's drug use caused. When I said, "no more!". They rallied to protect him. Thought I was the bad guy. Thought I should give him another chance.
I don't regret protect my kids... just think I should have dealt with the reality of the insanity much sooner. Staying in the darkness and keeping secrets is not a good thing. Enjoy and love your babies and take care of you. You will speak the truth when the time is right.
I don't regret protect my kids... just think I should have dealt with the reality of the insanity much sooner. Staying in the darkness and keeping secrets is not a good thing. Enjoy and love your babies and take care of you. You will speak the truth when the time is right.
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Join Date: May 2008
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For me I hate telling them that daddy is "sick". As if he has a cold or the flu and mommy is not standing by him tending to them. To me it sends the message that if they (the kids) get sick that I'll kick them to the curb as well. I have spoken with child psychologists, ministers and other very good mom's on this subject. For me, I've avoided the subject, but in reality I'll have to face it within the next week or two due to my situation. I have a thread that I started a while ago asking the very same question. I'll bump it for you. FWIW - I've read your threads. My AH had the same attitude about heroin. He escalated from percs, darvocet, vicodin to oxy then to heroin when he lost his job - a great job of 20 years. For me, if he would have gotten himself right, I don't know that I would have ever really said that "daddy did drugs". But it's not stopped and this is now part of their and my world forever. I don't like secrecy, but it's almost like I feel like if it would have been 1 mess up - ok, dust yourself, move on and don't do it again. But with AH his addiction runs so strong and deep that they will most likely need the truth or some semblance of it.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Left Coast
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HW ~ I'm so sorry for your loss.
My father was an alcoholic; I know that is different from a spouse. When my father committed suicide, I just could not say those words to my three year old daughter.
I didn't want to lie to her, but I felt I couldn't explain why someone would take their own life.
I simply told her that Granddads' heart stopped beating. Obviously, I told her the truth when she was older, but I think we have to relay information in age appropriate increments.
My father was an alcoholic; I know that is different from a spouse. When my father committed suicide, I just could not say those words to my three year old daughter.
I didn't want to lie to her, but I felt I couldn't explain why someone would take their own life.
I simply told her that Granddads' heart stopped beating. Obviously, I told her the truth when she was older, but I think we have to relay information in age appropriate increments.
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I am so sorry for your loss. My exah is a recovering heroin addict and we have a little boy together (he'll be ten next week). There were many times when I thought my exah would die from an overdose. Many nights I laid awake at night trying to figure out how I would explain his death to our son who was 3 when his dad started using heroin and 8 when he finally stopped.
By the Grace of God, I didn't have to have this conversation with my son but I did have to sit him down and tell him the harsh realities of addiction. I struggled about when and how I should say something for a long time. I even went to a therapist looking for answers. In working with my therapist, I came to realize that my son knew something was wrong with his dad and that it caused problems between us but he didn't know what it was. The therapist suggested that without an age-appropriate explanation of the truth, his world didn't make sense and he would never feel secure...always wondering what the problem was...maybe even imagining things that were far worse or blame himself for our adult problems.
So one night...when my son was 5 years old...I sat him down and explained that his dad was sick...but it wasn't like other kinds of sicknesses...that he took drugs...which were like a kind of medicine but a really bad kind of medicine...not any kind of medicine a doctor would give you...and that although the drugs made him sick, he couldn't stop himself. I didn't bad mouth his dad but explained addiction in the most basic way I could and I told my son that I would always tell him the truth and that he could always come to me if he had questions. I told him I loved his dad...that he was a good person...but he had to work on making himself better and he was the only one who could fix him...and although my son cried and said he was sad, he understood that his dad's problems, our separation, the fights he couldn't help but overhear sometimes, and my obvious stress and sadness wasn't his fault. This was, by far, one of the most difficult moments of my life...having to explain something so insidious and so difficult to understand to a child in the right way...but it was also a turning point for me because for so long I tried to shield him from the truth...from reality...and it just wasn't working.
Although my son didn't ask alot of questions at the time, he has since come to me with questions...and as he gets older I give a little more information...a little more sophisticated explanation. My son knows he can count on me to tell him the truth in a loving, gentle and honest way and I think this is so important.
I know your situation is different because you are dealing with a death by overdose... I understand that there can be feelings of shame around this type of a death...I lost my brother (age 42) to a heroin overdose four years ago this week. My parents (from a different generation) didn't want anyone to know...If asked, they said he died of sudden heart failure which is, in a way, the truth. This is how they dealt with it...and I respect their decision. For me, however, I didn't want to lie...I didn't want to lend any credence to the idea that my brothers life or death were shameful. Tragic, yes. Unbelievably painful, yes. But even though he was an addict he was alot of really great things too and I loved him warts and all and I didn't want to deny the truth...the reality of addiction and the way it took his life.
I admire your decision to tell your children the truth...because although his death is horribly tragic, your children can learn about the true consequences of drug use and addiction. They will understand that it can effect anyone including them...and if the news is delivered in an age-appropriate way and its offered with love and compassion, it doesn't have to take away their memory of a father who was much more than an addict...all of his good qualities can co-exist with the tragic circumstances of his death. I applaud you for seeing this...and I have no doubt that you will deliver the news at the right time and in the right way because you are doing this from your heart and thats all that really matters.
Hugs to all of you...
By the Grace of God, I didn't have to have this conversation with my son but I did have to sit him down and tell him the harsh realities of addiction. I struggled about when and how I should say something for a long time. I even went to a therapist looking for answers. In working with my therapist, I came to realize that my son knew something was wrong with his dad and that it caused problems between us but he didn't know what it was. The therapist suggested that without an age-appropriate explanation of the truth, his world didn't make sense and he would never feel secure...always wondering what the problem was...maybe even imagining things that were far worse or blame himself for our adult problems.
So one night...when my son was 5 years old...I sat him down and explained that his dad was sick...but it wasn't like other kinds of sicknesses...that he took drugs...which were like a kind of medicine but a really bad kind of medicine...not any kind of medicine a doctor would give you...and that although the drugs made him sick, he couldn't stop himself. I didn't bad mouth his dad but explained addiction in the most basic way I could and I told my son that I would always tell him the truth and that he could always come to me if he had questions. I told him I loved his dad...that he was a good person...but he had to work on making himself better and he was the only one who could fix him...and although my son cried and said he was sad, he understood that his dad's problems, our separation, the fights he couldn't help but overhear sometimes, and my obvious stress and sadness wasn't his fault. This was, by far, one of the most difficult moments of my life...having to explain something so insidious and so difficult to understand to a child in the right way...but it was also a turning point for me because for so long I tried to shield him from the truth...from reality...and it just wasn't working.
Although my son didn't ask alot of questions at the time, he has since come to me with questions...and as he gets older I give a little more information...a little more sophisticated explanation. My son knows he can count on me to tell him the truth in a loving, gentle and honest way and I think this is so important.
I know your situation is different because you are dealing with a death by overdose... I understand that there can be feelings of shame around this type of a death...I lost my brother (age 42) to a heroin overdose four years ago this week. My parents (from a different generation) didn't want anyone to know...If asked, they said he died of sudden heart failure which is, in a way, the truth. This is how they dealt with it...and I respect their decision. For me, however, I didn't want to lie...I didn't want to lend any credence to the idea that my brothers life or death were shameful. Tragic, yes. Unbelievably painful, yes. But even though he was an addict he was alot of really great things too and I loved him warts and all and I didn't want to deny the truth...the reality of addiction and the way it took his life.
I admire your decision to tell your children the truth...because although his death is horribly tragic, your children can learn about the true consequences of drug use and addiction. They will understand that it can effect anyone including them...and if the news is delivered in an age-appropriate way and its offered with love and compassion, it doesn't have to take away their memory of a father who was much more than an addict...all of his good qualities can co-exist with the tragic circumstances of his death. I applaud you for seeing this...and I have no doubt that you will deliver the news at the right time and in the right way because you are doing this from your heart and thats all that really matters.
Hugs to all of you...
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Right now I tell my daughter that her daddy's body "got broken" and we can't fix it. At 2 1/2 she used to say that she'd fix it (broke my heart and everyone else's..). Now I do tell her that daddy was not well and that his body quit working.
There is another factor in play as well, that actually helps her...you see, my AH did have chronic pain as a result of a horribly botched surgery and as a result had a huge gaping wound/scar on his stomach. It was this pain that helped mask the addiction (a lot of the sleepiness, checking out, etc.. that I thought was a result of the pain, I now recognize as addiction/heroin use issues..). I do think the scar and the visual memory of that in her little mind helps her deal with her daddy's absence and his "broken body" at this point. I know she remembers the wound/scar, as she often tries to lift men's shirts (an awkward situation, but we get through it) and tries to make sure their stomach is in tact.....
I do think as she matures, we'll work it out.
There is another factor in play as well, that actually helps her...you see, my AH did have chronic pain as a result of a horribly botched surgery and as a result had a huge gaping wound/scar on his stomach. It was this pain that helped mask the addiction (a lot of the sleepiness, checking out, etc.. that I thought was a result of the pain, I now recognize as addiction/heroin use issues..). I do think the scar and the visual memory of that in her little mind helps her deal with her daddy's absence and his "broken body" at this point. I know she remembers the wound/scar, as she often tries to lift men's shirts (an awkward situation, but we get through it) and tries to make sure their stomach is in tact.....
I do think as she matures, we'll work it out.
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OutonALimb,
Thank you for that --I think we were simultaneously posting. I can't imagine how hard that conversation with your son was...but it was extremely courageous and loving. It's a great example and I'm sure I can glean much from it.
Thank you also for sharing about your brother. Your perspective bolsters my resolve and takes me that much closer to taking off the shroud of lies that surround my AH's death.
I want people to know the truth..I'm just not sure how to go about un-doing the lies....I mean, I don't necessarily need to send out an announcement (lol...I can't believe I can make light of this...but ykwim)...but there are people who I have lied to that I need to come clean with...I'm just not sure how to undo it...
Thank you for that --I think we were simultaneously posting. I can't imagine how hard that conversation with your son was...but it was extremely courageous and loving. It's a great example and I'm sure I can glean much from it.
Thank you also for sharing about your brother. Your perspective bolsters my resolve and takes me that much closer to taking off the shroud of lies that surround my AH's death.
I want people to know the truth..I'm just not sure how to go about un-doing the lies....I mean, I don't necessarily need to send out an announcement (lol...I can't believe I can make light of this...but ykwim)...but there are people who I have lied to that I need to come clean with...I'm just not sure how to undo it...
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Originally Posted by outonalimb 
as he gets older I give a little more information...a little more sophisticated explanation. My son knows he can count on me to tell him the truth in a loving, gentle and honest way and I think this is so important.
One thing i do add is that whenever you talk about their dad to always remind them that their Dad loved them very much. [Even if he didnt always show it they need to hear this.]
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Originally Posted by winnie12
I think this is the perfect way to handle this. Your kids are so little they dont need explanations now and as they get older they will ask and then you can gauge what they are ready to hear. make sure whatever you tell the older one the younger one can handle becuase they are going to talk about it.
One thing i do add is that whenever you talk about their dad to always remind them that their Dad loved them very much. [Even if he didnt always show it they need to hear this.]
One thing i do add is that whenever you talk about their dad to always remind them that their Dad loved them very much. [Even if he didnt always show it they need to hear this.]
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I'm truly sorry for your loss -- as someone who has watched my AH progressively get worse from cocaine use, I can't imagine the pain of watching the "final loss".
My kids are 16 and 18 and they know their father has a drinking problem. I haven't been able to tell them about the cocaine. I know this is shame based on my part but also the embarrassment they will have to face. My youngest daughter "guessed" it around Christmas time (he was on a real "mission" and the signs were more than obvious). I never confirmed her suspicions -- but I didn't deny them either. I can't really decide whether this was to "cover up" for him or to save her feelings or both.
Part of me thinks that this is his truth to tell some day. I'm in the process of leaving him (we have been together 27 years). But I also feel they both need to know the truth. My 18 year old is going to university this fall and I had hoped to be able to financially help her. Her father has spent enough in the past five years for her to go twice. I won't be able to help her but she understands that she has to work for what she wants too. I want to think that the next time they ask, I will tell -- it is his shame to bare, not mine. Much of it is my own issues from childhood from being raised with an alcoholic, sexually abusive father. The shame runs deep. You have to decide what is right for you and your children. They are so young so you have lots of time.
I just hope mine don't resent me for not telling them earlier. Again, was I protecting him or them -- I think them.
Good luck -- you will know when the time is right.
My kids are 16 and 18 and they know their father has a drinking problem. I haven't been able to tell them about the cocaine. I know this is shame based on my part but also the embarrassment they will have to face. My youngest daughter "guessed" it around Christmas time (he was on a real "mission" and the signs were more than obvious). I never confirmed her suspicions -- but I didn't deny them either. I can't really decide whether this was to "cover up" for him or to save her feelings or both.
Part of me thinks that this is his truth to tell some day. I'm in the process of leaving him (we have been together 27 years). But I also feel they both need to know the truth. My 18 year old is going to university this fall and I had hoped to be able to financially help her. Her father has spent enough in the past five years for her to go twice. I won't be able to help her but she understands that she has to work for what she wants too. I want to think that the next time they ask, I will tell -- it is his shame to bare, not mine. Much of it is my own issues from childhood from being raised with an alcoholic, sexually abusive father. The shame runs deep. You have to decide what is right for you and your children. They are so young so you have lots of time.
I just hope mine don't resent me for not telling them earlier. Again, was I protecting him or them -- I think them.
Good luck -- you will know when the time is right.
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