ItsmeAlice

Okay, I am nothing but confused now, and I'm starting to doubt myself here. This is what I do, I start strong, I make progress, and then I flounder.

ABF has clearly been trying to improve his image. He's been trying to be helpful, nice, and polite to me. He's not so good at it at night when he starts drinking, but he's making an effort during the day now. He's been looking as sad and pitiful as I've ever seen him.

I have been supportive and complimentary when he's done something helpful, but otherwise, I've tried to just be cordial.

Now, here's where I get wishy-washy.

I feel like a big b***. I've detached before, but in time I always came back. He's got to be expecting that this time. If he fails to accept his problem and change it, I feel certain that I can't come back to him, anyway. The chances of him really seeking recovery and putting in the effort to repair our relationship are miniscule.

I don't want to stay if he can't do this, though, but until I can afford to leave, I have to live with him.

So then what? I continue as the b*** who won't forgive his last binge. He decides he's not going to bother being nice anymore and goes into a complete tailspin. Life is worse, much worse, and I have no choice but to leave whether I'm ready or not.

Ugh!

Enabling is easier. The stuff I should have been doing all along is what's hard. Why is that?

I want to continue on. I want to put the work at fixing his problem back on him. I want stop being the fall guy for everything.

So how do I do that and not feel like a selfish b***?

Starting to crack....

Alice

blessed4x

That's where you should stop......if he can keep you confused and doubting, then you are off balance and he can keep his cozy little home and life just the way he liked it before you upset the apple cart. And I say "you upset the apple cart" with sarcasm because you really did nothing but take steps toward becoming healthier. I heard the quote "let go or be dragged", and that seems to apply.

Not trying to be hard on you, because I am living it too. Keep on keeping on. You are not crazy and you are not being a B&*@#!

Chrysalis123

I've recently learned that when I choose to behave in a manner that is healthy it feels really bad and "bitchy" to me. When I choose to react in my old codependent (and unhealthy) ways it feels perfectly normal and fine to me.

I need to sort this all out. It has a lot to do with my family of origin etc. This is where I find individual counseling, Alanon, this board, and the books I'm reading so helpful.


Fake it till you make it!

GiveLove

You are not responsible for his drinking, or not drinking, or being nice, or not being nice. When you start seeing those sad puppydog eyes and start feeling like you're supposed to be a different person than who you are, just to make things better, then you know you're looking manipulation and codependency right in the face.

Al-Anon is really helpful in forcing me to admit that I'm not that powerful. He's going to choose to be a person of integrity and stability if he wants to, no matter what you do or don't do. If he thinks you are a b****, he's free to leave as well. Be yourself.

Just what is it you think you're supposed to be doing, other than being supportive and cordial when he's civil? You're still his mother-figure in many ways - giving him an allowance etc., right? How are you supposed to "forgive and forget" when the drinking and bad behavior still continues most of the time? (btw even serial killers are nice to some people; I wouldn't give him a medal for being a decent human being for a fraction of the day) Or are you SuperAlice?

What would happen if you let him handle every aspect of his own life, including his recovery (and his money), and you handled every aspect of yours, including an eventual decision about whether to stay or go, based a set of clear boundaries you set?

Tally

Try to remember that detaching doesn't make you a b**** or cold hearted, you are detaching, not to punish him for his latest bender but to protect yourself and to get on with your own life.

Enabling might be easier on the surface but I found living as the enabler ny on impossible once it began to effect me and my self esteem. We all come here for help or answers, detaching is one of those answers...yes it's hard at the beginning but once you get "the hang of it" it does become easier.

You also don't have to ignore him completely or be nasty and off hand, you can detach and remain civil and friendly at the same time.

Remember that enabling helps neither you or him, so next time you feel like you're being a b**** remember that you're detaching for good reasons.

ItsmeAlice

Thank you all for the replies!!

I am the mommy. I know that. I want that to stop.

For the first 5 years we had separate finances, and he used to be in charge of his own affairs. He drank away his paycheck, and it didn't matter because I paid all the bills, put food on the table, and owned the roof over our head. I didn't kick him out, because I wanted someone I could control, I know that now. He counted on me for most everything.

Then, we had to rely more on his income. Wwe went without food, utilities got shut off, and I lost the house. There were always other circumstances to blame it on, but now I see that he drank what he earned, and I had to make due with the little bit leftover.

I justified taking over the finances and giving him the puny leftover (although it's more than I ever got) because he owed it to me after sponging off me for so long, and he swore the only way he could every get control of his drinking is if he just didn't have his whole paycheck to blow.

I am working to be independent again. I intend to throw all of his business back on him whether I leave or not. Until then, I can't stand the idea of going back to being unable to pay the bills or put food on the table because he spent it all on booze. Let him mess it all up without me. Out of spite, he just might be able to make a go of it.

hello-kitty

when fairies fly out my *ss...when fairies fly out my *ss...when fairies fly out my *ss...

ItsmeAlice

Ha! How could I forget!!

Freedom1990

Dear Alice, I thought I would recount a little story for you as you probably didn't see it on the friends and family of addicts board that I had posted not too long ago.

I recently had what turned out to be a much more involved surgery for a hernia than even the surgeon had originally planned, and I was sent home the same day with a drain in.

My almost 31 year old active addict daughter had called over the weekend, expressing her 'concern' for my health, and when she found out I had to have the drain out on Monday, and that my youngest daughter was going to be out of town for her own doctor's appt, she offered to come up and take me to my appt because her best friend now has a vehicle (my oldest hasn't had a vehicle in years).

Now mind you, before I even hung up the phone, the first thought that ran through my mind was I was going to have to hide my pain pills before she ever walked in the front door.

Lo and behold, Miss Kindness, Miss Concerned For Her Mother, upon picking me up Monday for my appointment, hadn't even gotten me to the hospital yet and was trying to hit me up for a couple of my pain pills.

I have no problem saying no.

Needless to say, I was once again the b*tch in the scenario and her 'concern' for my health has been zero ever since (I haven't heard from her either).

Too bad, so sad, I'm glad she's mad.

splendra

Oh (((Alice)))

I am so sorry you are going thru this mess. You are not a b*****. Just try not to get involved in his drama he will do whatever he thinks will work ya know. If making you feel guilty gets him what he wants then he will roll it out. I started ignoring the tantrums and the binges. Know he is going to do what he is going to do no matter what. You can't change him. He makes his own choices. You do not have to play along with him.

The thing about doing the stuff that needs to be done being very difficult shows us how stuck we are.

We look at ourselves and it does not seem like we are hip deep or even higher in someone else's "stuff" maybe not physically but emotionally and spiritually we are.

I just left an almost 12 year relationship close to a month ago still I can hardly move myself to do the things I need to do. I was very very stuck. My head is getting clearer and I am still sure I am done so for me that is moving forward. I wish I had done it sooner but, that is not how it played out. Thank God I did leave. I have wasted a lot of time I can't get it back but I can just take good care of me now. A friend of mine said the parasite was getting bigger than the host. I had to laugh at that one...

I hope you will take good care of yourself now.

Take baby steps and be gentle with yourself you will get there in your time not anyone else's.

brundle

I think it's really hard when your in recovery to "stick to your guns". It's easy for people outside our relationship to tell us what to do because they can see how "sick" we are. But we have been being "trained" by our partner's addiction.

It's hard to change. I'm sure your not a B****, your just taking a stand. It really messes with you when they are "trying" to "be nice". My AH plays that game too, just when I think he can't get any more evil he's the nicest guy in the world. Well for a few weeks..LOL....I've luckily learned to detach really well because if you don't when they pull you back in, it's really heart breaking.

Hugs... My thoughts are with you...