Little update and need some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Little update and need some help
Its been awhile. I lurk and sometimes offer my 2 cents when I can. Most times I don't feel like I have nothing to offer anyone else as my own life is such a mess.
If you don't know my sich you can go back and read, but in a nutshell my exah cheated on me with OW my entire pregnancy and until she was 4 months old and I finally kicked him out last July. He also drank and drove all the time and I finally turned him in and he recieved his second DUI back in July. It all came out during his court proceedings and he blames me now for all of his problems. He has lost his license along with other penalites. He has supervised visits with baby.
Ok, currently....I found out last week that OW was moving into my neighborhood right up the street! Why?! That really took the wind out of my sails. I realize that exah was 100% responsible for this, but this woman knew he was married, knew I was pregnant and when confronted they both made me feel like I was crazy as they were just friends! HA! I went into early labor last year due to finding out they slept together 5 weeks before I had baby. I don't have many good feelings for this woman and now she is moving so darn close. I have to drive right by her house every day if I want to go somewhere. OW has become his rescuer. She runs his errands, is his taxi, and most likely his Fbuddy! Baby and I have been pushed aside for the bottom of a bottle and another woman.
Exah is still drinking and trying to hide it. He is hit and miss with his visits with baby. Out of 4 visit days he will cancel at least one and stay 5 minutes for another. Friday, he came by for 5 minutes as he was headed to his DUI/alcohol class. A coworker brings him to the class on his way home and I always suspected OW picks him up at 8. Never asked though. Well, Friday night I was with my daughter and we saw OW and exah and she must have just picked him up from class...they drove to the little store and exah came out with a 12 pack of beer! So he went to his class and then bought beer. She is enabling him! Why in the heck would she do that?
My counselor says OW does not want exah to get better. She wants him to stay sick. Her biggest fear is exah, if better, will leave her. During my pregnancy I was reality and the one nagging exah about his drinking. I am the 'horrid wife' who betrayed him by calling 911 that night. She tells him what a stud he is and his drinking is ok.
Oh, I still get the weekend texts of ILY, I miss you, I know I messed up, I miss my family, etc. I know he is drinking as he never says that when he is sober. I just keep the texts. Would love to forward them to OW, but it will do no good.
Yesterday, exah walked here for his visit with baby. He only lives less than a mile away so its not a big deal. After he left he went right from here to OW's new house as she was there. This stinks. As much as I know he is a mess it still hurts like hell.
So that is me in a nutshell. Been pretty depressed lately. Out of sight, out of mind is so much better but that clearly is not happening here.
Thanks for reading this!
If you don't know my sich you can go back and read, but in a nutshell my exah cheated on me with OW my entire pregnancy and until she was 4 months old and I finally kicked him out last July. He also drank and drove all the time and I finally turned him in and he recieved his second DUI back in July. It all came out during his court proceedings and he blames me now for all of his problems. He has lost his license along with other penalites. He has supervised visits with baby.
Ok, currently....I found out last week that OW was moving into my neighborhood right up the street! Why?! That really took the wind out of my sails. I realize that exah was 100% responsible for this, but this woman knew he was married, knew I was pregnant and when confronted they both made me feel like I was crazy as they were just friends! HA! I went into early labor last year due to finding out they slept together 5 weeks before I had baby. I don't have many good feelings for this woman and now she is moving so darn close. I have to drive right by her house every day if I want to go somewhere. OW has become his rescuer. She runs his errands, is his taxi, and most likely his Fbuddy! Baby and I have been pushed aside for the bottom of a bottle and another woman.
Exah is still drinking and trying to hide it. He is hit and miss with his visits with baby. Out of 4 visit days he will cancel at least one and stay 5 minutes for another. Friday, he came by for 5 minutes as he was headed to his DUI/alcohol class. A coworker brings him to the class on his way home and I always suspected OW picks him up at 8. Never asked though. Well, Friday night I was with my daughter and we saw OW and exah and she must have just picked him up from class...they drove to the little store and exah came out with a 12 pack of beer! So he went to his class and then bought beer. She is enabling him! Why in the heck would she do that?
My counselor says OW does not want exah to get better. She wants him to stay sick. Her biggest fear is exah, if better, will leave her. During my pregnancy I was reality and the one nagging exah about his drinking. I am the 'horrid wife' who betrayed him by calling 911 that night. She tells him what a stud he is and his drinking is ok.
Oh, I still get the weekend texts of ILY, I miss you, I know I messed up, I miss my family, etc. I know he is drinking as he never says that when he is sober. I just keep the texts. Would love to forward them to OW, but it will do no good.
Yesterday, exah walked here for his visit with baby. He only lives less than a mile away so its not a big deal. After he left he went right from here to OW's new house as she was there. This stinks. As much as I know he is a mess it still hurts like hell.
So that is me in a nutshell. Been pretty depressed lately. Out of sight, out of mind is so much better but that clearly is not happening here.
Thanks for reading this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
startingover, sorry you're still having to engage with the drama. Seems like the drama has come to you...sad. Is your town so small that she needs to move so close? Ick.
Not sure what to tell you, as I am abnormally sensitive about this kind of "space invasion" and I'd be likely to suggest you move at your next opportunity. (I know, not healthy, but that's me)
Your counselor is right. OW appears to be invested in his sickness. And your choices appear to be to stay put and deal with this by redoubling your recovery efforts, OR go somewhere else. Assuming you want to stay, what can you do to detach from this? Did you follow him to the liquor store, for example? Can you force yourself to NOT do things like that, as tempting as it is to learn the truth? Is there another route you can take even if it's a little out of the way, until your recovery is strong enough to let you handle this better?
You KNOW the things they're saying and doing are wrong. Try to protect yourself against any temptation to get into their sickening soup of lies and cheating.
Hugs
Not sure what to tell you, as I am abnormally sensitive about this kind of "space invasion" and I'd be likely to suggest you move at your next opportunity. (I know, not healthy, but that's me)
Your counselor is right. OW appears to be invested in his sickness. And your choices appear to be to stay put and deal with this by redoubling your recovery efforts, OR go somewhere else. Assuming you want to stay, what can you do to detach from this? Did you follow him to the liquor store, for example? Can you force yourself to NOT do things like that, as tempting as it is to learn the truth? Is there another route you can take even if it's a little out of the way, until your recovery is strong enough to let you handle this better?
You KNOW the things they're saying and doing are wrong. Try to protect yourself against any temptation to get into their sickening soup of lies and cheating.
Hugs
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Ugh. I certainly wouldn't like to be constantly reminded of my ex's infidelity. Hard to move forward when the evidence lives right next door!
But - that's what you've got going right now.
What can you do about it?
When a situation arises that I find unpleasant, I generally have two healthy choices:
Accept it and work to be at peace with it.
Accept it and work to do something about it.
I can also (and sometimes do) struggle and fight and resist the situation. I can complain a lot about it and focus on how unfair it is. BUT. That has never been helpful to me. I find peace when I look for peace, not when I wait for other people to give it to me.
So, in my opinion, it might be beneficial for you to decide what, if anything, you're willing to do about this situation. Are you willing to move so that the OW isn't your neighbor and your ex's antics aren't so in-your-face? If not (and you certainly don't have to move), could you work at finding peace with your ex's choices - no matter how much you disagree with them?
It is hard.
I think it all comes down to the serenity prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (where the OW decides to live, if the XAH decides to drink, etc...),
the courage to change the things that I can (my attitude, my address, etc...),
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck, StartingOver2.
My thoughts are with you today!
-TC
But - that's what you've got going right now.
What can you do about it?
When a situation arises that I find unpleasant, I generally have two healthy choices:
Accept it and work to be at peace with it.
Accept it and work to do something about it.
I can also (and sometimes do) struggle and fight and resist the situation. I can complain a lot about it and focus on how unfair it is. BUT. That has never been helpful to me. I find peace when I look for peace, not when I wait for other people to give it to me.
So, in my opinion, it might be beneficial for you to decide what, if anything, you're willing to do about this situation. Are you willing to move so that the OW isn't your neighbor and your ex's antics aren't so in-your-face? If not (and you certainly don't have to move), could you work at finding peace with your ex's choices - no matter how much you disagree with them?
It is hard.
I think it all comes down to the serenity prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (where the OW decides to live, if the XAH decides to drink, etc...),
the courage to change the things that I can (my attitude, my address, etc...),
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck, StartingOver2.
My thoughts are with you today!
-TC
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((Over))
I do feel for you and the feelings you are struggling with - doesn't sound like fun . . .
Have you tried Al-Anon? I have found it is really helpful to have that face to face support and sharing. Even though much of the time I don't thinK I am working my road to recovery very well, it gives me a while out of the house and out of my own self absorbed thoughts.
I M H O, it sounds like you need to find a support group of family or friends that can "take you away" from dwelling on what is happening in your own neighborhood. Get out with your child and enjoy time with others.
I do feel for you and the feelings you are struggling with - doesn't sound like fun . . .
Have you tried Al-Anon? I have found it is really helpful to have that face to face support and sharing. Even though much of the time I don't thinK I am working my road to recovery very well, it gives me a while out of the house and out of my own self absorbed thoughts.
I M H O, it sounds like you need to find a support group of family or friends that can "take you away" from dwelling on what is happening in your own neighborhood. Get out with your child and enjoy time with others.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Startingover2 
Ok, currently....I found out last week that OW was moving into my neighborhood right up the street! Why?! That really took the wind out of my sails. I realize that exah was 100% responsible for this,
Stronger than yesterday...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 118
(((startingover2))) you shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide here. This is family sweetie! I feel safe in saying that no one is here to judge you! You deserve the love and support that everyone here has to give! Unfortunatley, there are many guys who think with that 'other head.' (sorry fellas) Your ex will realize one day how bad he messed up. In the mean time, keep focusing on you and your precious baby and you keep coming back here, ya hear? Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you and that sweet baby!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Thank you all. It just seems like I sort of get settled into a routine and start feeling like I can do this and then !BAM! back to square one.
I wish I could move but I have other kids here that I could never leave and would have a huge loss now if I sold my home in this economy. I have read through what you all posted and as much as it hurts I am going to do my best to accept this and try and move on. I have to drive by her house no matter where I go. There is only one way in and out. Going to try and not look.
Someone said I need to separate the infidelity hurt from the alcoholism. Really tough to do but going to try.
I wish I could move but I have other kids here that I could never leave and would have a huge loss now if I sold my home in this economy. I have read through what you all posted and as much as it hurts I am going to do my best to accept this and try and move on. I have to drive by her house no matter where I go. There is only one way in and out. Going to try and not look.
Someone said I need to separate the infidelity hurt from the alcoholism. Really tough to do but going to try.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
startingover --
It's important to realize that you're NOT "back to square one."
I was here when you first walked in our SR door, miserable and hopeless. I can assure you that you are nowhere near "square one"......Go back and look at your original posts if you want to see what "square one" looked like....you've come a long way.
You've just been bumped back a bit. It's really hard, especially right now. But you will recover from this. It helped me to use my anger and disgust as a shield for a while. He's done a very bad and hurtful thing, and she is no better (for having gotten involved with a lying, alcoholic, and married man)
Think of the nastiest, grossest thing you could see, driving down the worst street in america....something that would make you puke if you looked at it. In your mind's eye, put it on a huge poster and paste it on the front of her house. Avert your eyes from that poster as if your life and your breakfast depended on it
And block those texts and messages. You need his bs "i love yous" like you need a hole in the head right now. It only makes it even harder for you to heal.
Hugs....you will get through this.
It's important to realize that you're NOT "back to square one."
I was here when you first walked in our SR door, miserable and hopeless. I can assure you that you are nowhere near "square one"......Go back and look at your original posts if you want to see what "square one" looked like....you've come a long way.
You've just been bumped back a bit. It's really hard, especially right now. But you will recover from this. It helped me to use my anger and disgust as a shield for a while. He's done a very bad and hurtful thing, and she is no better (for having gotten involved with a lying, alcoholic, and married man)
Think of the nastiest, grossest thing you could see, driving down the worst street in america....something that would make you puke if you looked at it. In your mind's eye, put it on a huge poster and paste it on the front of her house. Avert your eyes from that poster as if your life and your breakfast depended on it
And block those texts and messages. You need his bs "i love yous" like you need a hole in the head right now. It only makes it even harder for you to heal.
Hugs....you will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Don't know if this will help you, but it helped me....it did not matter how many other women there may have been. His TRUE LOVE is in a bottle!!!! The others are just there to feed his sickness. they don't mean a thing. He is just using them because he needs to use someone to continue his real romance with his alcohol. I;ve had dreams where i would tell the OW- he doesn't love you, so why are you sticking around? KInd of gives me the perspective of my relationship as well. I may have been the same thing too. Lots of motivation for ME to get Well and work on myself and forget about him. I know it is difficult with a new baby as well, but it is doubtful he is really doing any bonding if he is only there for such a short period of time. do you go to al-anon?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
