Alc Brother About To Be Homeless
Brother Is Out Of Control
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 8
Alc Brother About To Be Homeless
Hello,
Sorry if my first post is so long.
We are quickly approaching a crisis situation and I would appreciate some advice. A sibling is a very heavy substance abuser (vodka straight out of
the bottle and in large quantities, prescription drugs and cocaine. He is 43,
currently has a decent job (30K) and has been there for a couple of years, but due to his drinking I am not sure how much longer this is going to last. He is currently living in an apartment with a male roommate who has just given him a two-week notice to find another place to live due to his drinking, attempted hiding of drinking, lying, substance abuser friends dropping by,
selfishness, lack of cooperation and just recently stealing petty cash
(laundry change, etc) for vodka. They had been there together for 4
months. The roommate is also tired of being a caretaker to someone
physically capable of taking care of himself.
Last weekend his roommate decided that my sibling needed help, so after
he drank a 1.5 liter bottle of vodka his roommate took him to a local rehab
hospital. They could not get him out of the car and into a wheel
chair due to his level of intoxication, so an ambulance was called and
it took six orderlies to get him into the back of it. After a couple of
days at a 'regular' hospital under guard he was brought back to the rehab unit, but was released after a couple of days. I think the entire visit in both places went from late Saturday night to Tuesday morning - that does not seem like a lot of time to dry out? He obviously learned nothing from the
experience, although he is running around telling family members,
friends and coworkers that he did, and now more empty vodka bottles have
since been found in his residence and rumor has it that he has also
since showed up at work drunk telling everyone how much rehab helped him? I
fear that things are going to get worse quickly. He suffers from serious
tremors after a couple of days if he tries not to drink. I really feel
like he does not realize or care that he has a problem and that it is
the others who have one since they frown upon his self-destructive,
obnoxious and reckless behavior.
A little history. Partial college and very intelligent academically.
Nearly top of his high school graduation class. Mostly unchallenging
restaurant cooking jobs for the past 2 decades, but he could probably
teach English courses at the university. He charms his coworkers, some
family members and medical personnel (psychiatrist and psychologist)
into thinking that it is everyone else's problem and not his. The docs
prescribed sleep aids and anti-depressants. He recently had
ballonoplasty to open a major artery in his neck that was mostly blocked
undoubtedly due to decades of cocaine and heavy unfiltered cigarette
smoking, so he's on cholesterol and a blood thinner. Around a decade ago
his driver's license was revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets and he
never got it renewed. Which brings me to my next point. He has almost
always lived with a family member who enabled him to abuse substances
and never paid a single bill: that is no utility, credit card, rent
(until now - direct deposit), car payment, gasoline, car insurance or
any other kind of bill. He's never had a checking or bank account. His
roommate pays all of their bills from their combined account. Roomate
also drives him to and from work, doctors appts, pharmacy for the slew
of meds, etc. The list of enablers are our deceased father, a deceased
aunt (both died while he was living with them after several years), an
80 year old aunt who's health is frail, and for the moment, a younger
roommate (26 yrs old). After being told he needs to find another place
to live, he immediately called the 80 yr old aunt who had him last to
take him back. Her health suffered greatly over the 5 yrs that he was
previously there due to stress. She drove him back and forth from work -
ten miles each way - in the middle of winter and at odd hours. Picking
him up at 9 PM each night, for example. He stays up until 3 am watching
TV and keeping her awake in her very small home. She cannot sleep due to
thinking he will fall asleep with a cigarette. He was verbally abusive
to her, lies, steals, etc. Thus far, she told him 'no' about moving back
in, but she has reservations, saying, for instance, what if something
happens to him now and how it will be all of her fault. I think she may
crack if he shows up at her door.
He is manipulative, needy, condescending, has temper tantrums, threatens
those that have cared for him in the past and is a narcissist. One minute
he is charming and a 'love-bug', while the next he hates you and the
rest of the world. No one cares about him is his rallying cry.
He has a health plan through work.
I had reserved a bed for him in a local rehab center many year ago, but
he hid out when I came to pick him up for intake, so it fell through.
I have a wife and a modest home. The sibling and I do not get along very
well and are usually at each other's throats after I make a comment such
as how he must become more responsible and not count on others to be his
caretaker, not to spit in my face when he does the close-talking
routine while drunk, wet-kisses me goodbye (yuck), etc. I have taken the tough love - distant approach and would never consider taking him in.
So, any advice for us? This is a bad situation.
Thanks!
Sorry if my first post is so long.
We are quickly approaching a crisis situation and I would appreciate some advice. A sibling is a very heavy substance abuser (vodka straight out of
the bottle and in large quantities, prescription drugs and cocaine. He is 43,
currently has a decent job (30K) and has been there for a couple of years, but due to his drinking I am not sure how much longer this is going to last. He is currently living in an apartment with a male roommate who has just given him a two-week notice to find another place to live due to his drinking, attempted hiding of drinking, lying, substance abuser friends dropping by,
selfishness, lack of cooperation and just recently stealing petty cash
(laundry change, etc) for vodka. They had been there together for 4
months. The roommate is also tired of being a caretaker to someone
physically capable of taking care of himself.
Last weekend his roommate decided that my sibling needed help, so after
he drank a 1.5 liter bottle of vodka his roommate took him to a local rehab
hospital. They could not get him out of the car and into a wheel
chair due to his level of intoxication, so an ambulance was called and
it took six orderlies to get him into the back of it. After a couple of
days at a 'regular' hospital under guard he was brought back to the rehab unit, but was released after a couple of days. I think the entire visit in both places went from late Saturday night to Tuesday morning - that does not seem like a lot of time to dry out? He obviously learned nothing from the
experience, although he is running around telling family members,
friends and coworkers that he did, and now more empty vodka bottles have
since been found in his residence and rumor has it that he has also
since showed up at work drunk telling everyone how much rehab helped him? I
fear that things are going to get worse quickly. He suffers from serious
tremors after a couple of days if he tries not to drink. I really feel
like he does not realize or care that he has a problem and that it is
the others who have one since they frown upon his self-destructive,
obnoxious and reckless behavior.
A little history. Partial college and very intelligent academically.
Nearly top of his high school graduation class. Mostly unchallenging
restaurant cooking jobs for the past 2 decades, but he could probably
teach English courses at the university. He charms his coworkers, some
family members and medical personnel (psychiatrist and psychologist)
into thinking that it is everyone else's problem and not his. The docs
prescribed sleep aids and anti-depressants. He recently had
ballonoplasty to open a major artery in his neck that was mostly blocked
undoubtedly due to decades of cocaine and heavy unfiltered cigarette
smoking, so he's on cholesterol and a blood thinner. Around a decade ago
his driver's license was revoked due to unpaid speeding tickets and he
never got it renewed. Which brings me to my next point. He has almost
always lived with a family member who enabled him to abuse substances
and never paid a single bill: that is no utility, credit card, rent
(until now - direct deposit), car payment, gasoline, car insurance or
any other kind of bill. He's never had a checking or bank account. His
roommate pays all of their bills from their combined account. Roomate
also drives him to and from work, doctors appts, pharmacy for the slew
of meds, etc. The list of enablers are our deceased father, a deceased
aunt (both died while he was living with them after several years), an
80 year old aunt who's health is frail, and for the moment, a younger
roommate (26 yrs old). After being told he needs to find another place
to live, he immediately called the 80 yr old aunt who had him last to
take him back. Her health suffered greatly over the 5 yrs that he was
previously there due to stress. She drove him back and forth from work -
ten miles each way - in the middle of winter and at odd hours. Picking
him up at 9 PM each night, for example. He stays up until 3 am watching
TV and keeping her awake in her very small home. She cannot sleep due to
thinking he will fall asleep with a cigarette. He was verbally abusive
to her, lies, steals, etc. Thus far, she told him 'no' about moving back
in, but she has reservations, saying, for instance, what if something
happens to him now and how it will be all of her fault. I think she may
crack if he shows up at her door.
He is manipulative, needy, condescending, has temper tantrums, threatens
those that have cared for him in the past and is a narcissist. One minute
he is charming and a 'love-bug', while the next he hates you and the
rest of the world. No one cares about him is his rallying cry.
He has a health plan through work.
I had reserved a bed for him in a local rehab center many year ago, but
he hid out when I came to pick him up for intake, so it fell through.
I have a wife and a modest home. The sibling and I do not get along very
well and are usually at each other's throats after I make a comment such
as how he must become more responsible and not count on others to be his
caretaker, not to spit in my face when he does the close-talking
routine while drunk, wet-kisses me goodbye (yuck), etc. I have taken the tough love - distant approach and would never consider taking him in.
So, any advice for us? This is a bad situation.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
My advice to you is to spend time reading these posts - you will learn a lot through osmosis. My advice is directed at you, not directed at your brother through you. My advice is that you educate yourself about addiction/alcoholism and go to support groups like Alanon. If you are married and your spouse does not want to educate him/herself or go to support meetings, do it yourself anyway.
The advice you're going to get here at this site is from people who have been where you are at but are now way further down the road. You can find a way to help your brother - but, paradoxically, that is only by helping yourself. There is just no easy answer for your dilemma and no quick answer.
But hang in there. There is hope for 1) you and 2) your brother.
Remember the 3 Cs:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
The advice you're going to get here at this site is from people who have been where you are at but are now way further down the road. You can find a way to help your brother - but, paradoxically, that is only by helping yourself. There is just no easy answer for your dilemma and no quick answer.
But hang in there. There is hope for 1) you and 2) your brother.
Remember the 3 Cs:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Since you asked for advice directly, I'll give it to you. Don't take him in. Any offers to take him in, pay his bills, buy him liquor, etc. will only prolong his illness and your suffering. If everyone stops helping him he'll find he has two choices left: get sober or drink himself to death.
It's very hard to watch someone avoid all their responsibilities and choose to drink themselves to death. That's why I stopped watching my ex alcoholic boyfriend several years ago. Even watching from the sidelines was much too painful.
Have you tried Alanon?
It's very hard to watch someone avoid all their responsibilities and choose to drink themselves to death. That's why I stopped watching my ex alcoholic boyfriend several years ago. Even watching from the sidelines was much too painful.
Have you tried Alanon?
No Codie No More.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
He's 43... its time to stop enabling him and let him be homeless.. you have to live your life and not take responsibility for his actions.
stop enabling so he can hit rock bottom. The truth is, he's a grown man. its not your problem nor should you have any guilt.
three ups..
Locked Up. Jail
Covered Up. Death
Sobered Up. Happiness.
stop enabling so he can hit rock bottom. The truth is, he's a grown man. its not your problem nor should you have any guilt.
three ups..
Locked Up. Jail
Covered Up. Death
Sobered Up. Happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
As hard as it will be to do, he is an adult responsible for his choices, good or bad, and fo rthe natural consequences of those choices. He obviously isn't interested in sobriety or he would have taken advantage of the opportunity presented to him thru the hospital and rehab. His choice. Let him be the adult he is and let him live with the consequences of his choices.
As for you, keep reading and posting here, try AlAnon, try individual counseling. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects you and the rest of your family. And know we all care.
As for you, keep reading and posting here, try AlAnon, try individual counseling. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects you and the rest of your family. And know we all care.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
The only help you can offer is to help him figure out his insurance to see if there is rehab coverage. If there is, it is prob only for short term. Or help him figure out rehab that are on sliding scale in your state. Most addicts can not accomplish this on their own.
If he does not yet believe that his life is unmanageble and he is not ready, then you have no choice but to detach. Maybe homelessness will make him more ready.
There are few things more painful than watching a loved one's addiction progress.
We have to learn how to re-direct our focus.
If he does not yet believe that his life is unmanageble and he is not ready, then you have no choice but to detach. Maybe homelessness will make him more ready.
There are few things more painful than watching a loved one's addiction progress.
We have to learn how to re-direct our focus.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
There are few things more painful than watching a loved one's addiction progress.
We have to learn how to re-direct our focus.
We have to learn how to re-direct our focus.
My brother who just turned 52 in January and in Jail (For his 4th visit to jail) has come to realize (or so we hope because that is all we can do) the his life is unmangeable!
My brother (And this is only one of 3 A brothers) is a hard core vodka and coke addict.
In 4 years it became worse after his divorce he managed to:
Be homeless 3 times (Living and being kicked out of Salvation Army, My brothers home, My parents home, a half way house and finally lost his last apartment). My mother enabled him for a very long time and when she finally began to step back and stop is when my brother went lower and lower. He is now in jail after almost killing someone he hit with is car. He now has lost his license for 10 years and only had 3 months left to get it back! Bleeding from his liver....kept drinking among many other things to much to list!
We want to help but, the truth is we cannot help them. We can hope and pray for them to find their own way. It is a heart breaking disease and all we can do is learn about it and turn them over. They have choices and are old enough to make these choices! They eventually do whatever their choice it is not ours to make.
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
You came to the right place. It sounds like you are on the right track as well. You don't take him in, you've given him some boundaries. You just have to keep yourself strong and coming here and or and al anon group. You know you can't change him cuz you tried. Keep posting and let us know how you do... 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
For what it's worth I can give you an opinion from the perspective of an alcoholic. Throughout my decades of drinking I can tell you for a fact that if it wasn't for my many enablers I would have crashed and burned long before I actually did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my drinking on anyone but myself but having others there to constantly pick up the pieces of all the messes I created is what allowerd it to go on as long as it did. It wasn't until my family stopped enabling me in any way form or manner that I actually wanted to get better.
The important thing to remember is that the addict/alcoholic must want to stop more than he wants to drink or use. You must accept the fact that you can not change him, you are powerless in that regard. You must also realize that every time you help him straighten out the trail of wreckage his drinking has left behind that YOU are inadvertently becomming part of the problem. Every time you or others help him you are giving him options and as long as he has options he can avoid dealing with the addiction. You would be suprised at just how resilient alcoholics can be when they have run out of options.
In the case you presented above you have a 43 year old adult who is only able to maintain his alcoholic/addict lifestyle because he has always had a squad of enablers who were ready, willing and able to do whatever it took to save him from facing his own consequences. I know it sounds harsh but you have to be cruel to be kind, you must let go and allow him to run out of options. I know it's very hard to sit back and watch a loved one self destruct but the only thing you can do is make it crystal clear to him that the ball is in his court, he gets the help he needs and quits or he's on his own. My prayers are with you and your brother, hope it all works out.
The important thing to remember is that the addict/alcoholic must want to stop more than he wants to drink or use. You must accept the fact that you can not change him, you are powerless in that regard. You must also realize that every time you help him straighten out the trail of wreckage his drinking has left behind that YOU are inadvertently becomming part of the problem. Every time you or others help him you are giving him options and as long as he has options he can avoid dealing with the addiction. You would be suprised at just how resilient alcoholics can be when they have run out of options.
In the case you presented above you have a 43 year old adult who is only able to maintain his alcoholic/addict lifestyle because he has always had a squad of enablers who were ready, willing and able to do whatever it took to save him from facing his own consequences. I know it sounds harsh but you have to be cruel to be kind, you must let go and allow him to run out of options. I know it's very hard to sit back and watch a loved one self destruct but the only thing you can do is make it crystal clear to him that the ball is in his court, he gets the help he needs and quits or he's on his own. My prayers are with you and your brother, hope it all works out.
Brother Is Out Of Control
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 8
Thanks for all of your wonderful advice. I printed all of you replies and read them to my aunt over dinner last evening and she agreed. I got out of her a sad story about something he did while he was last living rent-free in her home. They got in their daily argument about his drinking, while he was drunk, and he grabbed her 15 yr old cat from off of her lap and flung it to the floor. She told me that at the time she thought she was next. My wife and I almost cried - we all actually had watery eyes. Now I am wondering if a restraining order should be considered for her?
Another thing. A cousin got him the job that he has and works with him. *She* is now being called upon to cart him back and forth to work and to his many doctors appointments. When I showed here these posts her reply is that if he goes into rehab for a month or becomes homeless he will lose his job and that although he has all of these problems, at least he is working. Sure, he works so that he can blow all of his money on booze or to shove it up his nose. All she does is picture him as a kid growing up, way back when he was still a good person an before all of the booze and drugs took over. What would be a good reply to her? Thanks again for all of your kind words!
Another thing. A cousin got him the job that he has and works with him. *She* is now being called upon to cart him back and forth to work and to his many doctors appointments. When I showed here these posts her reply is that if he goes into rehab for a month or becomes homeless he will lose his job and that although he has all of these problems, at least he is working. Sure, he works so that he can blow all of his money on booze or to shove it up his nose. All she does is picture him as a kid growing up, way back when he was still a good person an before all of the booze and drugs took over. What would be a good reply to her? Thanks again for all of your kind words!
Brother Is Out Of Control
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 8
One other question. The aunt listed above took him to a doctors appointment on Saturday. He claimed he needed money for the co-pay and prescriptions. Well, that afternoon he shows up at work drunk. His roomate cut off the money supply, so he did not get it from him. So what are we to say if he does become jobless/homeless and needs money for his heart meds and multiple doctors appointments?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
As someone else said here in another post:
I will not give him money anymore-he just drinks it.
I will not give him rides anymore-it just allows him to continue drinking.
I will not get his items out of pawn shops for him anymore-he has done nothing to deserve it.
I will not cover his rent/utilities/gas/grocery bills anymore-he just drinks the money he should have used buying these things for himself.
I will not allow him to abuse me verbally or physically anymore-I do not deserve it.
He is a grown man who is fully capable of taking care of himself. Sadly, your cousin will have to reach her own "bottom" with him. You cannot control her anymore than you can control him.
Just keep saying to yourself I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure him.
Hugs to you and yours. Good luck, and I hope your day improves.
HG
P.S. Love RI....miss it very much!
I will not give him money anymore-he just drinks it.
I will not give him rides anymore-it just allows him to continue drinking.
I will not get his items out of pawn shops for him anymore-he has done nothing to deserve it.
I will not cover his rent/utilities/gas/grocery bills anymore-he just drinks the money he should have used buying these things for himself.
I will not allow him to abuse me verbally or physically anymore-I do not deserve it.
He is a grown man who is fully capable of taking care of himself. Sadly, your cousin will have to reach her own "bottom" with him. You cannot control her anymore than you can control him.
Just keep saying to yourself I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure him.
Hugs to you and yours. Good luck, and I hope your day improves.
HG
P.S. Love RI....miss it very much!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by OnePointyCactus 
One other question. The aunt listed above took him to a doctors appointment on Saturday. He claimed he needed money for the co-pay and prescriptions. Well, that afternoon he shows up at work drunk. His roomate cut off the money supply, so he did not get it from him. So what are we to say if he does become jobless/homeless and needs money for his heart meds and multiple doctors appointments?
Here's a question: if he had $50, would he choose to spend it on medicine and a copay for a doctor's visit or on 5 liters of vodka?
Grown people, adults, have to decide for themselves what their priorities are, and an active addict's priority is drug procurement. Until he is ready to change that priority giving him anything is probably enabling him to continue in addiction.
Best of luck to you.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by OnePointyCactus
So what are we to say if he does become jobless/homeless and needs money for his heart meds and multiple doctors appointments?
Brother Is Out Of Control
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 8
Sorry to ask another question already. My aunt just called me at work crying. I told her to screen her calls with her answering machine from now on and she started today. Abusive alcoholic brother called her to pick him up to go out to lunch tomorrow. In other words, to con her into taking him in when he gets kicked out ot his apartment in a little over a week. She is asking me what to tell him when he calls back for an answer tonight at 9 PM. She says that she is not giving in this time. I also got out of her that although he never hit her in the 5 years that she provided a home for him, he was constantly verbally abusive and routinely raised his hand to her. I mentioned the possibility of her getting a restraining order and she told me that she threatened him about this in the past and 'he laughed'. Thanks SO much for you previous quick responses. Thank God for you all and this site!
Brother Is Out Of Control
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 8
Well I calmed her down and printed the following for her to say when he calls:
I will not go out to lunch with you so that you can try to talk me into taking you back. I love you, but it would be hurtful and unfair to the both of us if you moved back in. So that’s the end of the discussion.
I will help you to get long term help at a rehabilitation center if you want to. And it must be your decision. But that is all I am willing to do. I can’t stand to watch you kill yourself anymore and I don’t want any more contact with you until you are sober for several months and have a doctor’s note to prove it.
I will not go out to lunch with you so that you can try to talk me into taking you back. I love you, but it would be hurtful and unfair to the both of us if you moved back in. So that’s the end of the discussion.
I will help you to get long term help at a rehabilitation center if you want to. And it must be your decision. But that is all I am willing to do. I can’t stand to watch you kill yourself anymore and I don’t want any more contact with you until you are sober for several months and have a doctor’s note to prove it.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I think that would be a good response for her. I hope she will stick to her resolve for both their sakes. I can't add much as such good advise has already been offered but my heart does go out to u. I watched my cousin and uncle die in a very similar cycle u are trying to break with your brother. Detachment is hard but in his best interest. I will say a prayer for all involved. Take care, Kerry
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
One thing I can tell you from experience is that most alcoholics/addicts are expert manipulators, con-artists and B-S artists it kind of goes with the lifestyle. Their drug of choice becomes such an integral part of their life that it takes precedence over almost everything else. They will promise you the world but deliver nothing, they will say or do whatever is necessary so that their way of life is not interrupted. Never put too much faith in the promises of an alcoholic/addict.
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