Feeling a little weak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 22
Feeling a little weak
Its been a long time since I've been back here. I felt like I was over my ex, he got married 6 months after we broke up (to the day), and I felt like that was the last thing to help me move on. Then he called in Nov, and we got back together. I was going through so much in my family life (someone very close was dying, they are ok now), and I ran back.
After being with my ex for all these years, and never desiring his doc, I did it with him. Then began us getting high ALL the time. From december until last week. It wasn't about being a family, or raising our daughter, our relationship was about drugs. He treated me great in the beginning but the last week or two was awful, he put me down, and screamed cursed and yelled at me. Told me he loved me, but I felt like he hated me. I left, packed my stuff up and came home... little did I know he was leaving me at the EXACT same time, trying to fix things with his wife.
I cried all the time when we were together the last few weeks. I haven't shed a tear since moving back home. I can finally eat again without feeling like someone is wanting me to starve off weight as fast as possible... finally don't have that pit in my stomach thinking about getting high... finally don't have the pit in my stomache thinking about when he is going to leave me again, or cheat on me again... finally feel like I can say one sentence without having to think for an hour about how he can get mad at it and start screaming at me again...
Yet, I hate that he's mad at me, I hate that I'm still unhappy, I'm not happy with him, but I'm not happy without him... I miss him, and I want to be back with him. I want to call him, and talk to him and then I remember that he's just going to yell at me some more. That I can't make him love me for me. When I think of getting my life back together, I alway picture him coming back. I need to be strong, to stop missing him, to stop thinking about fixing my life for someone else. But yet I can't. I hate putting my daughter through the mess of this and visitation times etc. He hates it too.
Reading through here helps... I almost broke in and called him, but for what? More talks of things changing that never do?
After being with my ex for all these years, and never desiring his doc, I did it with him. Then began us getting high ALL the time. From december until last week. It wasn't about being a family, or raising our daughter, our relationship was about drugs. He treated me great in the beginning but the last week or two was awful, he put me down, and screamed cursed and yelled at me. Told me he loved me, but I felt like he hated me. I left, packed my stuff up and came home... little did I know he was leaving me at the EXACT same time, trying to fix things with his wife.
I cried all the time when we were together the last few weeks. I haven't shed a tear since moving back home. I can finally eat again without feeling like someone is wanting me to starve off weight as fast as possible... finally don't have that pit in my stomach thinking about getting high... finally don't have the pit in my stomache thinking about when he is going to leave me again, or cheat on me again... finally feel like I can say one sentence without having to think for an hour about how he can get mad at it and start screaming at me again...
Yet, I hate that he's mad at me, I hate that I'm still unhappy, I'm not happy with him, but I'm not happy without him... I miss him, and I want to be back with him. I want to call him, and talk to him and then I remember that he's just going to yell at me some more. That I can't make him love me for me. When I think of getting my life back together, I alway picture him coming back. I need to be strong, to stop missing him, to stop thinking about fixing my life for someone else. But yet I can't. I hate putting my daughter through the mess of this and visitation times etc. He hates it too.
Reading through here helps... I almost broke in and called him, but for what? More talks of things changing that never do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Hi,
When did he get married? How long were you two together? Whats most important here is that you take care of your daughter. If you are only doing drugs to keep him in your life then shame on you. I hate to soud harsh but, it's true. If you really want to help him then don't join him. You are putting yourself and your daughter in harms ways. Does he have children with his wife? What about those kids and how they are feeling confused. It seems to me like you all need counseling! Good luck and HUGGGGGSSS
When did he get married? How long were you two together? Whats most important here is that you take care of your daughter. If you are only doing drugs to keep him in your life then shame on you. I hate to soud harsh but, it's true. If you really want to help him then don't join him. You are putting yourself and your daughter in harms ways. Does he have children with his wife? What about those kids and how they are feeling confused. It seems to me like you all need counseling! Good luck and HUGGGGGSSS
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
The mess of visitation is probably much less hard on your daughter than growing up with two parents doing drugs. 
Grieving is part of the process, but it always gets better. Just hang in there and keep reminding yourself how he treated you and that he left to be with someone else. You are blessed to have a daughter and she deserves a healthy upbringing. And you deserve a peaceful life. Take care!
Grieving is part of the process, but it always gets better. Just hang in there and keep reminding yourself how he treated you and that he left to be with someone else. You are blessed to have a daughter and she deserves a healthy upbringing. And you deserve a peaceful life. Take care!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 22
No kids with his wife. She has kids but no custody of them. We were together for a solid 2 years, then broke up for 2 months, got back together, broke up a few weeks later, he got married 6 months later, and we got back together 11 months after our last break up (less then 5 months after being married).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This whole deal sounds more like what you want than it does anything to do with him. You want to be loved and he loves his drugs. It's not about you.
That you chose to use drugs to try and get him to love you is heartbreaking.
You deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
A therapist and Al-Anon can help you learn how to love yourself and not put yourself in harm's way and settle for pond scum.
Visitation aside, has this guy been contributing consistently and adequately to the financial care of your common child, since birth?
That you chose to use drugs to try and get him to love you is heartbreaking.
You deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
A therapist and Al-Anon can help you learn how to love yourself and not put yourself in harm's way and settle for pond scum.
Visitation aside, has this guy been contributing consistently and adequately to the financial care of your common child, since birth?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by InAnotherLife 
We were together for a solid 2 years, then broke up for 2 months, got back together, broke up a few weeks later, he got married 6 months later, and we got back together 11 months after our last break up (less then 5 months after being married).
If your daughter was 25 years old and came to you with your own story what would your advice be to her? I watch very closely what I teach my own daughter through my actions as well as my own words. In showing myself respect and my own body respect I am teaching my daughter how to respect herself - even in difficult times and especially in her relationships.
You fell off the wagon and that you should forgive yourself for but now you need to climb back on and continue the journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 22
I can't imagine my dghtr walking the same path as me, but it's totally possible, my dad was a recovered addict, and I thought I could save my ex. I guess the pattern can just repeat over and over, or I can change it. I'm trying to stay strong. For the record, I never ever did drugs in hopes that he'd love me for it... in fact when I did it, I knew it would probably cause him to lose respect for me. I wanted to see what the pull was, why he couldn't just walk away (I know the answer now), and I wanted to escape the huge problems in my own life, if just for a little bit. I was lucky I didn't lose myself to an addiction or jail... I escaped by the skin of my teeth. I don't anticipate I'll ever be so lucky again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 22
I spent time with my dghtr today, just quality time, all day, and I cleaned out my car, which was looking worse then a crackhouse.. seriously, it looked like I was living out of it (I did have to move back home, I just didn't unpack until today). That feels good. Now I have to clean up my room, and the playroom, and I'll feel like I've had a successfull day.
There really is nothing to run back to...
There really is nothing to run back to...
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