Please explaine the shame
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
Please explaine the shame
I don't know if anyone remembers me but I've been here (sort of) for a bit.
I don't understand why I feel so much shame for things that other people would brush off.
I was wondering about the shame I feel every time I drink. I read an article in a mag that said about the "Jekyle and Hyde Drunk" who changes their personality when they drink. The article was in a silly mag, and the explanation was that these people are repressed and that when they drink the repressed side comes out and the over compensate for it. When they are sober again they feel horrible shame and guilt about what they said or did.
I thought that this rang true with me, and I was wondering why I do feel shame. I don't know if I'm repressd, but I know that when I drink I am the same as many of my friends, however the next morning I'me the one who feels like crap and rakes myself over the coals about what I did, even if I didn't do anything. Even if someone else does something "worse" than me I still feel worse than that person feels.
I would like to know why I feel such shame and I was hoping that other people who are further along in recovery could explain it to me.
I don't understand why I feel so much shame for things that other people would brush off.
I was wondering about the shame I feel every time I drink. I read an article in a mag that said about the "Jekyle and Hyde Drunk" who changes their personality when they drink. The article was in a silly mag, and the explanation was that these people are repressed and that when they drink the repressed side comes out and the over compensate for it. When they are sober again they feel horrible shame and guilt about what they said or did.
I thought that this rang true with me, and I was wondering why I do feel shame. I don't know if I'm repressd, but I know that when I drink I am the same as many of my friends, however the next morning I'me the one who feels like crap and rakes myself over the coals about what I did, even if I didn't do anything. Even if someone else does something "worse" than me I still feel worse than that person feels.
I would like to know why I feel such shame and I was hoping that other people who are further along in recovery could explain it to me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
I know for me the shame was based on my actions when under the influence. Alcohol especially when drunk in large quantities leaves us defenseless over our actions. When I am sober I do not act in the way that I do when I am drunk...I think this is true for everybody. Most of the shame I felt was because I knew my actions were not who I was. Sobriety fixes this...I no longer feel shame on a daily basis...sure I do regret things I have done in the past but I know as long as I stay sober I will not add anything to an already full plate. I think it is important to focus on my behavior and not the behavior of others. Best of luck in your journey!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
I do think that different people view their own actions in different ways.
I also felt a huge amount of shame and guilt over my drinking behaviour.
Have you tried journalling? It was not something I wanted to do, but I was desperate to let go of all the negative emotions and journalling really helped.
I also felt a huge amount of shame and guilt over my drinking behaviour.
Have you tried journalling? It was not something I wanted to do, but I was desperate to let go of all the negative emotions and journalling really helped.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
Thank you Bugsworth and Anna.
I agree- I know when I am drunk I do horrible things. But when I drink and don't do horrible things I still feel just as bad. This is why I am confused. Why do I feel so much shame for just drinking with friends and not doing or saying anything. Is it the memories of what I've done in the past?
I have had my first experience of being a "dry drunk". I went away from home and for a period of 10 days didn't drink more than one or two with dinner twice in this period. I was able to drink one or two beers and be ok with it - usually once I start I cannot stop.
When I got back home I thought - that's it, I've beat it, and even though at first I didn't really want to drink, I did to prove something to myself. Before I did that I thought and pictured how I am when I'm drunk and thought that's disgusting why would I do that. But I drank anyway because that was what was expected of me, and even when it wasnt I still did it anyway because I could drink. I've been getting messy drunk ever since. It's funny that I don't consder myself as drunk if I can still remember what I did. Recently was the first time that I found out that other people do remember what they do when they've had too much, and they call that drunk.
This is the first time I've realised that my drinking is not a habit - it's not something I'm used to. It's something that I seek, I get home from work and think "I feel lonely I want to drink".
I'm very scared by this.
Thank you bugsworth for the comment "as long as I stay sober I will not add anything to an already full plate". I really like this.
I agree- I know when I am drunk I do horrible things. But when I drink and don't do horrible things I still feel just as bad. This is why I am confused. Why do I feel so much shame for just drinking with friends and not doing or saying anything. Is it the memories of what I've done in the past?
I have had my first experience of being a "dry drunk". I went away from home and for a period of 10 days didn't drink more than one or two with dinner twice in this period. I was able to drink one or two beers and be ok with it - usually once I start I cannot stop.
When I got back home I thought - that's it, I've beat it, and even though at first I didn't really want to drink, I did to prove something to myself. Before I did that I thought and pictured how I am when I'm drunk and thought that's disgusting why would I do that. But I drank anyway because that was what was expected of me, and even when it wasnt I still did it anyway because I could drink. I've been getting messy drunk ever since. It's funny that I don't consder myself as drunk if I can still remember what I did. Recently was the first time that I found out that other people do remember what they do when they've had too much, and they call that drunk.
This is the first time I've realised that my drinking is not a habit - it's not something I'm used to. It's something that I seek, I get home from work and think "I feel lonely I want to drink".
I'm very scared by this.
Thank you bugsworth for the comment "as long as I stay sober I will not add anything to an already full plate". I really like this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I don't know for sure either. I'm a little over 4 months clean and sober. Oh God, the shame I felt after rehab. I didn't really feel much shame while I was actively taking pills and drinking. But after I was in recovery, initially, all that shame I hadn't been feeling came crashing into my life. For me, it was that I had really f*cked things up, bad... I wasn't that person who did all those things, yet I had done them. I always felt superior when feeding my addictions, I think. Then, after rehab, not only was I not superior, I was in some way defective, inferior, not worthy of "normal" society. A humbling experience to be sure. An experience I am, in some ways, grateful for having had.
My shame is nearly all gone now. I didn't mean to become an alcoholic, addict. That was not my plan. Just like I didn't mean to back my new car into a telephone pole when I was completely sober...
Forgiving myself was the first step. The second, for me, was taking responsibility for my own recovery and, beginning, anyway, to demonstrate integrity in all my affairs.
Dump the shame. Begin your recovery, or restart it. Good luck. Shame s*cks, you do not need or want it in your life. You can get rid of it starting today.
Mark
My shame is nearly all gone now. I didn't mean to become an alcoholic, addict. That was not my plan. Just like I didn't mean to back my new car into a telephone pole when I was completely sober...
Forgiving myself was the first step. The second, for me, was taking responsibility for my own recovery and, beginning, anyway, to demonstrate integrity in all my affairs.
Dump the shame. Begin your recovery, or restart it. Good luck. Shame s*cks, you do not need or want it in your life. You can get rid of it starting today.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
ForeverDecember,
I used to be filled with shame. That shame would keep me drinking. I think it started early in my drinking career--I felt shame because none of my actions were good enough for my parents because thier love was conditional. This extended into my relations with men.
Finally, at the end, I think I felt strongly that I was underachieving. I knew that I was designed for something more than throwing my self in the bottle every day, but I couldn't stop. This an created unbelievable amount of shame.
Now, I have finally embraced my self. This has taken a lot of work. I am now free of shame. I know now I deserve love and respect. And, I start with myself. I give love and respect to my self first, then it spreads to others.
I wish you tons of luck with dumping your shame. It is a necessary step towards your freedom.
I used to be filled with shame. That shame would keep me drinking. I think it started early in my drinking career--I felt shame because none of my actions were good enough for my parents because thier love was conditional. This extended into my relations with men.
Finally, at the end, I think I felt strongly that I was underachieving. I knew that I was designed for something more than throwing my self in the bottle every day, but I couldn't stop. This an created unbelievable amount of shame.
Now, I have finally embraced my self. This has taken a lot of work. I am now free of shame. I know now I deserve love and respect. And, I start with myself. I give love and respect to my self first, then it spreads to others.
I wish you tons of luck with dumping your shame. It is a necessary step towards your freedom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
I know when I am drunk I do horrible things. But when I drink and don't do horrible things I still feel just as bad. This is why I am confused. Why do I feel so much shame for just drinking with friends and not doing or saying anything.
Like everyone else said, the shame can be removed from your life, but you have to stop drinking.
Good luck - stick around!
Jomey
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I'm so good at feeling ashamed of myself I don't need a reason to feel ashamed. Just being alive is reason to be ashamed. I've always been my own worst critic and drinking just made it worse. Once I realized I was an alcoholic I was ashamed cause I couldn't stop drinking, even tho I wanted to stop.
I remember you well! Glad you're back! Start over with your recovery. You can do it, just don't drink for today. Welcome back!:ghug3
I remember you well! Glad you're back! Start over with your recovery. You can do it, just don't drink for today. Welcome back!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Phila, PA
Posts: 41
Hi December, you're not alone. I have always been the same way. Obviously the shame and guilt is the strongest after being really out of control...but even on a "normal" night of drinking in a social situation I tend to zero in on one thing I may have said and how I may have said it and how it may have been perceived. I over analyze everything. But I think that is something I do way too much anyway...drinking just amplifies it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
I agree with Jomey.
I felt horrible shame every time, and I didn't even do any thing that was 'bad' most of the time (to other people). I felt shame that people saw me so drunk and I felt shame that I was so out of control. I also couldn't remember what happened. What if this was the time I did something really stupid? Terror. What if so and so no longer wants to be friends with me because I was so drunk? Terror.
So I would say that you are feeling the shame that a lot of us feel/felt. It's normal. (well as normal as alcoholics get)
I felt horrible shame every time, and I didn't even do any thing that was 'bad' most of the time (to other people). I felt shame that people saw me so drunk and I felt shame that I was so out of control. I also couldn't remember what happened. What if this was the time I did something really stupid? Terror. What if so and so no longer wants to be friends with me because I was so drunk? Terror.
So I would say that you are feeling the shame that a lot of us feel/felt. It's normal. (well as normal as alcoholics get)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
I understand the shame, I got a lot of it when I drank after I had realized that I needed to quit. I started drinking only while I was alone after I turned 21 so I didnt really do stupid stuff in front of others but I would often wake up to find that I had broken furniture or CD's that I broke while I was blacked out.
I've come to find that it is easier now to accept the past and I have, I think, forgiven myself for wasting all those years drinking and the crap I put myself through. I am trying to focus on staying in the present. Beating myself up over what I did then isnt going to help me at all now.
I do occasionally get glimpses of the past, most of them non-alcohol related when I did something slightly embarassing and I am always surprised at how these inconsequential things from the past can still cause emotion in me. I think it has to do with the fact that I care way too much about what others think of me and I have expectations of myself that are just unreasonable.
I've come to find that it is easier now to accept the past and I have, I think, forgiven myself for wasting all those years drinking and the crap I put myself through. I am trying to focus on staying in the present. Beating myself up over what I did then isnt going to help me at all now.
I do occasionally get glimpses of the past, most of them non-alcohol related when I did something slightly embarassing and I am always surprised at how these inconsequential things from the past can still cause emotion in me. I think it has to do with the fact that I care way too much about what others think of me and I have expectations of myself that are just unreasonable.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Originally Posted by ForeverDecember 
It's funny that I don't consder myself as drunk if I can still remember what I did. I'm very scared by this.
In my drinking days, if I didn't drink for a day or two, I considered myself sober and on top of things. I really did. And, I really wasn't. My thinking was still messed up and I didn't begin to see that, until I stopped drinking for good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 7
ForvrDec,
In no way are you alone with your feelings of being ashamed - blackout or not. All I have to do is think about what I've done to my family and I almost lose it. Being the bread winner that supports a wife and daughter, I question how I could possibly be so selfish. What the heck am I doing. It doesn't make any sense.
I'm killing myself when I have a responsiblity towards two people that mean more to me than any words can describe. I'm very ashamed of myself.
Well that is why I'm here.
ForvrDec, I think being here is a way to lift that some of that shame. And I wish you the very best of luck.
In no way are you alone with your feelings of being ashamed - blackout or not. All I have to do is think about what I've done to my family and I almost lose it. Being the bread winner that supports a wife and daughter, I question how I could possibly be so selfish. What the heck am I doing. It doesn't make any sense.
I'm killing myself when I have a responsiblity towards two people that mean more to me than any words can describe. I'm very ashamed of myself.
Well that is why I'm here.
ForvrDec, I think being here is a way to lift that some of that shame. And I wish you the very best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 176
You have shame because you have good morals. You know you are a better person than that person you become when drunk. That feeling of shame is probably why you are here. That shame is good.....always remember it to help keep you sober!!!
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Forever... I have ALWAYS been like that! I relate to you 100%. I am praying and hoping that as I stay sober, these feelings will lessen in time. For me, I'm doing AA and have a sponsor that will now start working thoroughly with me through the steps. My hope is that all the things I harbor deep down inside will be brought to light in time. I hate the baggage and memories and shame I carry and just want relief and wholeness; peace.
I think some of us are more sensitive to others and ourselves... we can't let go of things like others and it sucks because it works on our heart & mind. Stay sensitive! Let's give sobriety a chance to change things within us, okay??
Hugs, Nicki
I think some of us are more sensitive to others and ourselves... we can't let go of things like others and it sucks because it works on our heart & mind. Stay sensitive! Let's give sobriety a chance to change things within us, okay??
Hugs, Nicki
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi FD
I remember you
I wouldn't worry too much about a magazine. I don't think there's am evil twin who got released when I got drunk - that's a bit too simplistic.
Whatever the cause, I think that sense of shame is a part of our disease. It eats away at our self esteem and makes us feel unworthy of a better life, and stops us looking for a solution.
I'll be straight with you FD - you've posted here a while and I think I know you a bit...
I'm sorry to say this, but if you're like me, and I think you are - you're never in control FD. The drink controls you, not the other way around.
Those times you stop at two are either good luck or a superhuman effort on your part that makes life miserable and is impossible to maintain - you said so yourself.
I think we eventually cross a line FD, and no-one goes backwards from that point - it gets worse.
Attempts to drink normally and to 'fit in' are only gonna result in more disaster, more misery, more shame.
The only way to stop the shame cycle is ...to stop. Completely. No drinking at all - for any reason.
I know that's scary and I know it's unfair and I know you don't want to hear it. It's 5.50am and I dunno how to dress it up nicely, sorry.
But it's no more scary and horrible that the kind of things that happen to us over and over when we're drunk - and it never gets better, it gets worse...
It's really hard to stop, but you deserve a better life than the one you have...and we're here to help
I'm really glad you're back - pls keep posting.
D
I remember you
I wouldn't worry too much about a magazine. I don't think there's am evil twin who got released when I got drunk - that's a bit too simplistic.
Whatever the cause, I think that sense of shame is a part of our disease. It eats away at our self esteem and makes us feel unworthy of a better life, and stops us looking for a solution.
I'll be straight with you FD - you've posted here a while and I think I know you a bit...
I'm sorry to say this, but if you're like me, and I think you are - you're never in control FD. The drink controls you, not the other way around.
Those times you stop at two are either good luck or a superhuman effort on your part that makes life miserable and is impossible to maintain - you said so yourself.
I think we eventually cross a line FD, and no-one goes backwards from that point - it gets worse.
Attempts to drink normally and to 'fit in' are only gonna result in more disaster, more misery, more shame.
The only way to stop the shame cycle is ...to stop. Completely. No drinking at all - for any reason.
I know that's scary and I know it's unfair and I know you don't want to hear it. It's 5.50am and I dunno how to dress it up nicely, sorry.
But it's no more scary and horrible that the kind of things that happen to us over and over when we're drunk - and it never gets better, it gets worse...
It's really hard to stop, but you deserve a better life than the one you have...and we're here to help
I'm really glad you're back - pls keep posting.
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
