dorton

When do you know enough is enough??? My 20 year old son has been in counseling and on suboxone since Oct. I see some changes but some days none at all. We had a bad weekend and I told him in order to stay in our home he had to take his meds, pass drug screens, and go to counseling well last night wasn't great either and he says he is moving out today. he has no lace to go and it is below freezing and snowing outside. when do I let him go and when do I continue to fight???

catlovermi

Welcome, again. Good to see you here. This is not my area of experience, but I know there are a lot of wise, loving family members and parents of young addicts in this section. I know you may feel panic now, but please hold on until some of them are up and about and can respond to you with hope.

In the meantime, there are local support groups for folks like you. Naranon is free and for family members of substance abusers. Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, but there are many more of these meetings than naranon meetings in most locations and they teach the same tools using the same principles. I belong to alanon and we have about half parents of substance abusers in our population. They are very supporting groups, once you get past the strangeness of the culture shock of entering this world. It's common to go and feel totally strange for several meetings, until your nerves calm down and you get used to the format and principles. And different meetings each have their own flavor, depending on the core group of people who tend to attend that particular meeting.

You would be amazed what tools you can gather to deal with a family addict, and how good face-to-face support from people in your same circumstances can be to help you navigate this dark world.

To find local meetings, google naranon.org or alanon.org

There is hope! Please hold on until some of our best come to respond to your post. They will!

Hugs to you,

CLMI

winnie12

If you see your fight as trying to get him to stop or change then stop the fight now becuase its a no win. That's a fight only he can have - you cannot fight it for him.

If you see your fight as enforcing your own boundaries then fight on and let him leave if he has broken the rules you have put in force in your home. Never put in force a boundary or consequence that you cannot enforce.

He is 20 years old - he has the right to leave if he wants to and there is nothing you can do to force him to stay home. He may succeed - he may fail but that will all be up to him and nothing you do is going to change that. Sometimes the best thing for them is to be in uncomfortable situations.

My son is making some changes but they are small and for every step forward he takes two or three backwards. I had to let go and let him learn what he needs to on his own.

katie44

Mother of a 21 year old AS. We asked our son to leave last year, after four rehabs, countless drug screenings, counselling, the list goes on. My breaking point was that I finally realized all we were doing is helping to keep him from hitting rock bottom. He broke every boundary, and we would threaten to kick him out and never follow through. I truly thought when I finally asked him to leave that he would die in the cold, starve to death etc. Somehow he has managed to live in a dreary, shabby one bdrm apartment. He calls every once in a while to say he is hungry or to complain about his life. I say " nothing changes if your not willing to change" this really makes him mad and he usually hangs up on me. Detaching is small steps and it's not easy, there are our children. For so long I thought it was my fight, it is there fight for recovery. There are many wonderful people here to support you, and naranon is a wonderful support group.

greeteachday

I've found it very difficult to recover myself when I was in the front row watching my child struggle with early recovery. I kept trying to control it - asking too many questions, looking at her eyes, watching every move. I realized that if it was me, I'd be filled with resentment and extremely uncomfortable. Hard for either of us to heal.

Perhaps your son might want to think about a halfway house? Oxford Houses have locations all over the nation - addicts helping addicts and sharing the cost of the home.

Or maybe he just isn't ready. I know it is cold and you believe he has nowhere to go. If he was resourceful enough to get drugs, he is resourceful enough to find a place to stay.

One thing that helped me back off was the realization that I was making it easier for my daughter to continue use since I was creating a soft landing for her. It is only when the pain of using is greater than the fear of getting clean that an addict will seek rocovery.

Sending mom to mom hugs - I know how difficult this is.

Seren

Hi dorton....

I have no children myself, but I am watching my BF as he sets boundaries with his AS. The closer we get to the day when his son will have to be out of his house one way or the other (his son, nearly 30, has been given a deadline to move out), the more anxiety and stress I see. He is very afraid of what will happen to his son, but knows that there is nothing he can do to "fix" him.

He is learning to let his son make his own choices and deal with the consequences, and I am learning to not butt in with my two cents worth....it's not easy, but it really is the best way.

Hugs, HG

marle

My daughter started Suboxone in May when she went to rehab. She stayed 2 months at their halfway house and then came home. Our boundaries were she stay clean, get a job, do her meetings, etc. She decided in October to drink. We told her it was time to move out. She did with her boyfriend. She stopped the drinking and is staying clean and paying her bills and working as a waitress. She knows we will not bail her out again and that seems to be the incentive that keeps her clean for now. I can't have that front row seat. It is not my life and not my path to walk with her. Let your son go for now but continue to pray that he will want recovery. My daughter spent 2+ years out there using heroin and living in some seedy places but she needed that to get to her bottom. Hugs, Marle

hello-kitty

Addicts are very resourceful. I'm sure he'll find somewhere to go. You are doing the right thing by not supporting him in his addiction. He's a grown up and he's choosing to move out. I know it's hard but let him do it. Let him experience what it's like to be a grown up. He's young. Let him learn that bad choices have consequences now, instead of waiting until he's 30 or 40...

BBD

Hi dorton, Welcome to the site. Don't worry~~your son probably won't leave unless he has a place to go. He probably won't tell you where so stay strong and play it out. My son is a cocaine addict and for years all I did was love him to (as everyone says)) almost death. I'm so glad I found alanon, went to therapy and happened to find this site. Its so resourceful here and I had many talks with the smart women and men that come here. Take care of yourself and you'll be in a better position to understand addiction and what you must do to make your son healthy again. Big mom hugs, Bonnie

dorton

Thank you all so much for your help. He is still at home as in my heart I knew he would be but this is so hard. It is hard to deal with him but also my husband and other children. My husband wants to take the car after this last relaspe which means either I miss work to take our son to school and to be drug screened and to the dr. tomorrow or he walks this would be a total of about 35-40 miles with no time to do that. We have a tracking device for the car but my husband says that giving him the car even with the device is just letting him have and have and not doing anything about the problem as well as running the risk of having him hit someone and it all fall back on us because it is our car and he is on our insurance. My husband and son do not talk which is a combination of both their faults but it puts me in the middle and I can't stand it.

hello-kitty

Sounds like a big mess. I hope you give him the opportunity to figure it out on his own. Maybe not making it to school because you won't run him around anymore will inspire him to save his money to buy his own car like most young adults do these days.

winnie12

Sounds like you're being somewhat forced into the codie position here. Sure son should have consequences but that means that you have to take on the burden of making sure son gets where he needs to go. Hard to say what you should do as i see both sides of the argument but coming together with your husband and sharing these responsibilities may be a good place to start. When parents conflict over kids and their consequences then kids can easily play one against the other and its just unfair to you being caught in the middle. Not sure how receptive your husband may be.

Not that this will work in your situation but thought I'd share this. One thing that our court counselor is telling me right now is that even though my son is only 16 - school is the least of our worries. In my situation she is telling me not to even think or worry about school because the goal now is for him to get healthy and school just has to come after that. If it would jeopardize your own financial security taking him back and forth to school then i would think long and hard about whether school is the priority right now.

marle

If he is using the Suboxone correctly, he can't get high from opiates, but he can still use other drugs. His Suboxone doctor should be testing him for all drugs. My daughter does an extensive drug screen at the hospital in the town where her doctor is. It costs about $250 but it can tell the levels of Suboxone and if there is presence of other drugs. It is not enough to just do the Suboxone as it is too easy to skip a couple of doses and still use your DOC. But you can't make him want to be clean. Only being truly miserable (and that may mean homeless and not having any other resources including mom and dad) to make him want to try something different. When an opiate addict is truly ready for recovery, Suboxone can be a really good medication to keep away the cravings and withdrawals so the addict can work a program of recovery and learn a different way to live. Without the recovery program, Suboxone is just a bandaid. Hugs, Marle

URMYEVERYTHING

He's given you the pass to go with moving out! Take it! Free yourself and your home from his havoc and chaos.

Addicts always have places to go. If they don't, when his butt is frozen to the cement maybe then he will be forced into treatment and on his own he will want to make that change.

You fight everyday he is in your home. You fight his moods, his lies, his manipulation. You have never let him go. He is the one who chose to use and has let himself go before the thought of you letting him go entered your mind.

BBD

Hi dorton, Have you and your husband been to alanon meetings. It really woke my hubby up when he was ready to hang our son....believe me~~it helped me so much to have people to talk to and explain what was really going on here when we were at a lose. Addiction is more than just a discipline problem....hugs mom, Bonnie

Serenity Bound

dorton, one of the hardest things for me to overcome was the "Fear"....you name, I worried about it. Addicts are very resourceful, and will find what they need, whether it be drugs or a roof over their head or a ride. Naranon/Alanon meetings helped me realize that my AD had to reach her bottom, and I had to reach mine. I had to acknowledge that enough was enough, set boundaries for me and stick to them. I had to embrace that fact that my life had become unmanageable due to someones elses addiction. And the only way to change my life was to work on me. The support & encouragement here at SR and my meetings helped me learn the ways to detach with love. And to "Let Go & Let God".
Once I trully let go, got out of the way and stopped trying to control my AD I was able to let go of the "fear".

Hugs
Chris

dorton

He left our house last night. Has sent me many text trying to manipulate me into letting him come back so far I have stayed strong. But I really need your prayers to continue to be stroung. One thing I did notice is that every time I showed emotion in front of him things got worse and the hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to let him go and not cry and scream in front of him but I did it. Please God let me be doing the right thing!!

lostparent

Sending a prayer to help you get through this.:praying

winnie12

You're absolutely doing the right thing for him long term. At some point the parent has to make this break - its just not how we expected it would be. The more emotion you show the more he knows he is getting through to you. When they can hit those "Mom Buttons" they get us to do what they want becuase they know that deep down inside all we want is for them to be happy and healthy. They use our nurturing nature against us - I think all kids do to an extent its just that our sons are using it to feed their addictions. Stay strong - tough love is hard but its strong and its true. Love your son enough to let him not like you right now. It does get easier - once they realize they arent getting through to you emotionally they do back off some.

The way I look at it is my son carries around a bag of tricks to get me to do what he wants. He pulls out one if it doesnt work he pulls out another. He keeps trying. So one minute he is hitting my sympathy by telling me how tough things are and how much he needs me and the next minute he is screaming at me about how this is all my fault and what a biatch I am. If I respond he puts that trick back in his bag so that he can use it again later. If I dont respond then he realizes that the trick doesnt work anymore and eventually he will throw it away. Its taken a long time but my son is not pulling the old tricks out as much anymore because I stopped responding emotionally.

You can do this and your son can do this.

marle

Sending prayers for both you and your son. Hugs, Marle