It is brave to share
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 63
It is brave to share
I just wanted to say that the last two times I posted a part of my story here I ended up getting very hurt. I am going through a lot and I know many of you are as well. I think it is so brave of you to come online and open up honestly about your situation.
The last time I shared about my own drinking and someone just swooped in and made a very snarky remark accusing me of not being serious about my recovery and now, just now in my post, the first reply was abrupt and short and I feel judgemental.
THere is no perfect support group and even AA or AL-anon can be intimidating when you share..but online people can come out of no where and really hurt someone. I think it is sick and cowardly and maliscious. I hope mno one else has it happen. especially when you are already hurting.
People like them are trolls who make it unsafe to really share online and that is how the world is today.
I am not going to post anything too personal for a while because it just hurts too much when I get confusing negative feedback from some random stranger.
Ouch!
The last time I shared about my own drinking and someone just swooped in and made a very snarky remark accusing me of not being serious about my recovery and now, just now in my post, the first reply was abrupt and short and I feel judgemental.
THere is no perfect support group and even AA or AL-anon can be intimidating when you share..but online people can come out of no where and really hurt someone. I think it is sick and cowardly and maliscious. I hope mno one else has it happen. especially when you are already hurting.
People like them are trolls who make it unsafe to really share online and that is how the world is today.
I am not going to post anything too personal for a while because it just hurts too much when I get confusing negative feedback from some random stranger.
Ouch!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Perhaps you can share with us precisely what was said - a response in the original thread would be the ideal way to do this. This site is very good about keeping this kind of stuff to a minimum.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by dgillz 
Perhaps you can share with us precisely what was said - a response in the original thread would be the ideal way to do this. This site is very good about keeping this kind of stuff to a minimum.
Well, why did you choose to drink when it was damaging to your life and those around you? If you can answer that, then maybe you know why he does it?
To the orignal poster...I post on several other message boards. When a board is open to the public you will get the negative right along with the positive. When you are in a funk, it IS difficult to read some of the negative responses even though they can be helpful sometimes.
Just take what you can from the good and leave the rest. It's hard to do sometimes because you can take things really personal on the net, but trust me..it's not worth it.
(((hugs to you)))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
When you have been in recovery longer you will probably look at that reply and understand that she was asking you in all seriousness and not 'snarky.'
And the answer is for me "I don't know why I continued to drink." I am sure you don't know why you continued to drink and I am sure your BF does not know why he continued to drink.
I mention this, because I have found OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS change as we get sober and clean, stay sober and clean, and grow in recovery.
Right now, you are all over the place with your emotions and feelings, and having someone 'practicing' and living with you can be totally counter productive.
Thus my reasons for suggesting you find a 'sober living house' for a safer environment and a more conducive environment for you to continue to recover in.
As BrandiSue said. On a recovery site like this, we have to take what we can use at the moment and leave the rest for later.
If that same response was made to you 'face to face' with voice inflections and body language, I suspect you would have reacted differently.
So please, take the responses you can use now, and save the rest for later.
Love and hugs,
And the answer is for me "I don't know why I continued to drink." I am sure you don't know why you continued to drink and I am sure your BF does not know why he continued to drink.
I mention this, because I have found OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS change as we get sober and clean, stay sober and clean, and grow in recovery.
Right now, you are all over the place with your emotions and feelings, and having someone 'practicing' and living with you can be totally counter productive.
Thus my reasons for suggesting you find a 'sober living house' for a safer environment and a more conducive environment for you to continue to recover in.
As BrandiSue said. On a recovery site like this, we have to take what we can use at the moment and leave the rest for later.
If that same response was made to you 'face to face' with voice inflections and body language, I suspect you would have reacted differently.
So please, take the responses you can use now, and save the rest for later.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
choose2bhappy,
I'm glad you're working on your recovery, and I hope you will feel able to keep working on that 'take what you need and leave the rest' . Very, very few people here actually mean something to be hurtful...often, when they say something like "why did you drink," they literally mean "why did you drink?" and NOT "hey you're bad for drinking."
There are lots of lessons we can learn about others just by looking at our own choices with fresh eyes....but it does take courage. I'm glad you're here and you are RIGHT: it is brave to share. I hope you keep sharing.
XOX
GL
I'm glad you're working on your recovery, and I hope you will feel able to keep working on that 'take what you need and leave the rest' . Very, very few people here actually mean something to be hurtful...often, when they say something like "why did you drink," they literally mean "why did you drink?" and NOT "hey you're bad for drinking."
There are lots of lessons we can learn about others just by looking at our own choices with fresh eyes....but it does take courage. I'm glad you're here and you are RIGHT: it is brave to share. I hope you keep sharing.
XOX
GL
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
choose2behappy: Perhaps it might be helpful for you to give some thought as to exactly why you choose to share here and what it is you are truly looking for when you do. If, when you share, you are really in such a low and vulnerable place that you cannot tolerate hearing anything that isn't 100% affirming and aimed at making you feel good, you might consider stating that up-front in such posts -- I'm fairly certain people (or certainly anyone whose opinion is worth hearing anyway) would respect it.
For me personally, I am not here to take care of people's feelings or to have my own feelings taken care of -- I'm here to support people, first and foremost myself, as we work urgently to save our lives.
Yes, of course, it's brave to share -- but it's braver still to be open to hearing and entertaining responses/feedback with which one is uncomfortable. It's also, in my experience, rather naive to share in any venue where one is likely to attract the attention of hard-core 12 Steppers and expect that one isn't going to hear some things with which one is going to be uncomfortable -- because, really, we can't recover if we aren't willing to look at and deal with a lot of really ugly and uncomfortable and downright insane things...and more often than not, recovery folks who respect and value us and who respect and value our recovery journeys are going to do us the honor and the favor of telling us or directing us toward the truth as they see it. And really, I personally almost always find that to be a much greater favor and honor than when someone just tries to make me feel good, because it assumes that I am "big-enough" and committed enough to my own recovery to want to and to be able to hear it....
.....and, as others have said, it is always my prerogative to take what I like...or what, after careful reflection, prayer and discussion with program people I rely on for support, is revealed to me to be relevant and valid in my situation...and leave the rest.
freya
For me personally, I am not here to take care of people's feelings or to have my own feelings taken care of -- I'm here to support people, first and foremost myself, as we work urgently to save our lives.
Yes, of course, it's brave to share -- but it's braver still to be open to hearing and entertaining responses/feedback with which one is uncomfortable. It's also, in my experience, rather naive to share in any venue where one is likely to attract the attention of hard-core 12 Steppers and expect that one isn't going to hear some things with which one is going to be uncomfortable -- because, really, we can't recover if we aren't willing to look at and deal with a lot of really ugly and uncomfortable and downright insane things...and more often than not, recovery folks who respect and value us and who respect and value our recovery journeys are going to do us the honor and the favor of telling us or directing us toward the truth as they see it. And really, I personally almost always find that to be a much greater favor and honor than when someone just tries to make me feel good, because it assumes that I am "big-enough" and committed enough to my own recovery to want to and to be able to hear it....
.....and, as others have said, it is always my prerogative to take what I like...or what, after careful reflection, prayer and discussion with program people I rely on for support, is revealed to me to be relevant and valid in my situation...and leave the rest.
freya
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
I'm sorry you felt that way. I know how hard it can be and also how easy it can be to take something wrong. Worse, I type something and an hour later think about it and realize that it could have sounded wrong and hurtful.
I remember when I was a new poster here. It seemed to me that there was one gal out there that was hell bent on making me feel stupid. It seemed no matter what I said or how I explained myself she made me feel inferior and like I had no right to be here. I stopped posting for a while but realized I really needed to be here.
It's been a couple of years now. I am so glad I stayed.
I worry sometimes if I have become the gal that "scolded" me. I now understand that she was trying to push me along. It is hard sometimes to respond correctly. Especially, as earlier mentioned, without the tone of voice or expression on a face, things can be interpreted wrong.
Please don't feel that you can't share. If something that is said hurts you, ignore it and focus on what helps you. I don't feel there is anyone here who wants to hurt anyone. We all need help here, in one way or another.
:ghug3
I remember when I was a new poster here. It seemed to me that there was one gal out there that was hell bent on making me feel stupid. It seemed no matter what I said or how I explained myself she made me feel inferior and like I had no right to be here. I stopped posting for a while but realized I really needed to be here.
It's been a couple of years now. I am so glad I stayed.
I worry sometimes if I have become the gal that "scolded" me. I now understand that she was trying to push me along. It is hard sometimes to respond correctly. Especially, as earlier mentioned, without the tone of voice or expression on a face, things can be interpreted wrong.
Please don't feel that you can't share. If something that is said hurts you, ignore it and focus on what helps you. I don't feel there is anyone here who wants to hurt anyone. We all need help here, in one way or another.
:ghug3
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