babbi

Hi,

I am new to this forum...posting for the first time..I have read many posts and finally gathered the strength to voice my problems to all of you...

My husband is an active alcoholic. He has been for the past one and half yrs. we have been married for 3 yrs. He was an alcoholic before marriage too but sober for 2yrs at the time of marriage. He relapsed one year into our marriage.
It was a second marriage for both of us. I was in an messy abusive relationship for 4 yrs before i left , got a divorce and got myself back on my feet and the met my present husband 2 yrs later. we met through a matrimonial website(I am from India!).
he seemed like the ideal guy (almost). He mentioned his alcohol problem in passing..more likea health issue which he recovered from..and I didnt pay much attention back then since he was sober. I had no clue about what an alcoholic is or alcoholism. nor the dangers of it.

i was extremely thankful to god for giving me a second chance at finding happiness. since the relapse things have gone downhill...he has zero control , lies, etc etc....extremely manipulative and very absuvie verbally..It came as a rude shock to me..I was at a total loss..and totally unequipped to deal with this. He wanted that I should learn how to deal with him (an alcoholic. )

I was extremely resentful..having to deal with an abusive husband again was beyond me. there was lot of turmoil. I was not able to conceive either..
thought a kid would make a diff. had 2 IVF cycles too. but at all times he was drinking and of no emotional support. the IVf and his habit was extremely stressful..I was becoming depressed. went to alanon meetings too but somehow not able to completely get the anger out of me. I have changed alot to keep myself calm..yet there are times I get so angry at him.

all the broken promises and the abusive behaviour made me lose all faith and trust in him. Im not sure what I feel about him. His parents feel helpless. He is not ready for rehab...wants me to learn how to treat him properly!...

AT this point in life I am not sure I want to continue suffering any more of this..in the last 10 years..I have seen one abusive marriage and now one more..and no drop of joy....or happiness....Iam low in confidence and esteem..
I am going to Alanon..but..its not giving me the peace i need today..and they want me to continue supporting him..the most difficult task

the daily Ups and downs are getting to me. I feel I deserve some level of happiness and I see no light...at times i wonder if god is done testing me...
I have another IVF cycle planned for feb but I dont want to do it..Its too stressful for me even without these problems..but HE wants me to go through..
all I want is to move out of this mess and find some stability in life and some peace. I have accepted that marriage and bliss are not for me...

what I want to know is am I thinking straight?...am i being selfish?..Am I running away from my responsibility as a wife?.I know I need counseling to recover but I cant deal with alcoholism and fear relapse

PLEASE HELP.

Seren

Hi Babbi,

Wow....does your post remind me of a friend of a friend of mine. You state that your location is India, and I know that there are certain parts of India in which the wife is to be ultimately obedient to her spouse. Not complain, only serve and make everyone around her happy.

Your husband sounds as though he is trying to use that cultural mind-set to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you. You are not required to accept this behaviour, however.

Also, and remember this is only my opinion, you might reconsider trying to have a baby right now under the present circumstances. Adding an innocent child to the mix will not help your situation....it may only give him another thing to complain about (you pay more attention to the baby than you do to me!).

Please keep yourself safe! Keep reading the other posts in this forum and posting about your experiences. There are many others here who have gone through it all before.

Hugs and good wishes! HG

historyteach

Excellent! This is a great place to start! You *know* what you want! So many of us do not know what we want and flounder sometimes for years. But, you have a great advantage; you know. How very fortunate you are!!!

You are *not* selfish for wanting stability and peace. We *all* want that. It's a healthy desire. And you have every reason to have it. So, what is holding you back?

You say you want to move out in order to achieve these end results. What is your plan?

And if you want to move out and get some peace and stability, why would you consider still having a child with him? That act would tie him to you for the rest of his life. (I say his life because as an active alcoholic, it is more likely that he will die before you - a fact that you and a potential child will have to deal with sadly.) Please do *not* depend upon a child to make him change. It does not work that way. He will change when, and only when he is ready to do the hard work to change.

I wish you the best in your future life. Know that we are here for you as you move forward with your life. You *will* find happiness when you follow your desires.

Shalom!