Everlong

I HATE HIM!!! I hate him with a firey passion that I never knew I had before. My father, is the--I'm so angry with him. He treats my mother like dirt, sometimes they fight so bad, I think he might hit her, and that'll be the day I snap on him...But I'm going away soon, and I'm worried that things may get out of hand between the two of them. Not only that, but he's a child--a two year old, and I'm just so angry with him, all the time, sober or drunk. Is it bad when you hate your dad? Or is it even worse that you silently wish that your parents would just get a ruddy divorce? (I probably sound so annoying...so selfish...) I wish I could make it better for my mom, I wish I wasn't so angry, and every year on my birthday while I blow out my candles I wish he wouldn't drink even if it's for just my birthday itself, and it never comes true, and I'm hurt by it...

I don't know how to handle anger, sadness, resentment, frustraition all at one time. I try to just close my eyes and count to ten, but it's not working. I still feel all those things well after counting to one hundred. I'm just so angry! I'm angry all the time, and now I don't remember the last time that I unadulturatedly happy. Because as soon as I feel happy either the fact that I have to go home where my dad is drunk or hung over. Or i feel bad because my mom is at home with my father.

I just want to have fun for a whole day, 24hrs, and never think about my dad, and I don't know how to do it. How pathetic is that?!? I know running from my problems won't do me any good, but if I ccan't control this, and I can't change him, then what is the point! What's the point of watching him destroy his life, why does he have to take everyone else down with him!!!!!!!

greeteachday

Everlong, I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I can certainly understand your feelings. During my teenage years, my mom was deep into her disease. I never knew when I would see my mom - the woman I loved and the one who was there for me, and when I would see this other person who scared me to death. I was afraid to ask anyone to come to my house - I never knew what I would face. And my dad was totally stuck in denial. I felt like I was the one with the problem - since everyone else pretended like nothing was going on.
That was quite a long time ago...My mom found recovery for probably 30 + years before she died, and yet I am still processing what happened. I feel guilty that I did not understand the disease aspect. And yet...I know now, I did not cause it, could not cure it and could not control it.
Can you find an Alanon meeting? I know you feel bad for your mom, but she has to find her own way. Maybe you can find a meeting and maybe your mom may want to try too. I know it really helped me to be with people who understood my pain.
Thanks for sharing your story here.

dothi

You're not being selfish. You're in a situation that is causing you and your mother pain, and you want it to change.

I second finding people who can understand your pain (as difficult as it may be). Where are you going away to? If it's college/university, consider checking out the counselling services there. They'll be covered by your tuition. Dealing with all the anger/sadness/frustration/etc can be overwhelming and scary. A counsellor trained in alcoholism will be able to help you express these feelings safely and privately. Better yet, you'll learn to keep it in perspective so these memories aren't weighing you down so much. Anger like this can consume and warp you - don't be foolish for wanting to confront it!

I've walked in your shoes. I've opened my birthday presents alone while my dad and his buddies drank at the table, all cheerful because there was another reason to drink. I'm still walking in your shoes dealing with all the anger I feel about it now.

A couple things that may help is journal what you're angry about it. It may sound silly, but I bet even writing this post helped you feel some relief. Just writing on a piece of paper what you're upset about will help to relieve the pressure on bad days.

Reading (if that's your thing) might also help. There's some good resources out there for children of alcoholics, including the "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" and "Perfect Daughters". Punch both these into amazon and you can read the book descriptions to see if they'll help. You can probably find them both at the local library too.

You're not alone in feeling this way. Feel free to post here as much as you like!

ellima01

wow. I totally understand. Except I am "the mom" instead of the child. I guess how you feel is probably how my son feels. I am sorry your dad is doing these things. I also know you worry about your mom- but please, take care of you- you are young and deserve to enjoy life and not have to worry about your parents all the time.
I understand your rage- I have issues with the rage myself.It is my utter lack of having any control in my life that causes my rage- mabye that is it for you as well.Take care- I will pray for you and your mom.

Barbara52

I too hated my father. Add in hating my mother too since she was also an alcoholic. I had every reason to feel hate and anger. They made my life growing up a horror!

For me the way out of that meant moving out of their house at 18 and getting therapy then and now in my 50s. I eventually did forgive them and move past the hate and anger.

You might want to try individual counseling or seeking out groups of folks your age going thru the same things. I didn't know it back then, but one of my closest friends in my teens was going thru a very similar horror of a family life. If only we had talked to each other then we could have helped each other thru it all.