New here...hello.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 24
New here...hello.
I joined last night and wrote a very long entry...but I guess it wasn't meant to be, so I'll just say that my name speaks for itself. I am 18 months out of losing my husband, best friend and the father of my children to heroin.
I hope that I can learn from being here and hopefully can provide help and support as well. There is much I want to say, but for right now I'll just introduce myself and say that joining this group is the first step in my stepping out from the shroud of secrecy and shame that his death brought to his family and to me, on some level.
His parents asked that I tell everyone that he died of a heart attack.
His friends couldn't believe I told his parents the truth.
Only a select few of my friends and family know the truth.
His friends and brother can't believe I plan on, one day, being honest with my children about their father and his addiction.
I believe it is my duty to speak openly and honestly. I don't know that I could be true to my children or their father's legacy if I remained silent. Joining this group is my first step to being honest. It is my hope that my words can perhaps help, heal and if I'm really, really fortunate...maybe they can help prevent someone from using or maybe even save a life. I want people to know the truth. The truth is that we looked very successful and normal from the outside....he owned a very successful business and I had a great position in a very specialized field. We owned a home in a great neighborhood. We both came from "good families"........if I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't have believed that a heroin addict could be found among our circumstances. But that is the truth. He was an addict and a good addict at that, for even those of our mutual friends who were familiar with drug use and addiction were unaware that he was using, again.
I was in denial. I didn't even know he was using again until the night he died. I am working on forgiving myself for that...
Our children were very small--2 1/2 years and 7 months old. They are beautiful, magical children. My hands and my plate are full, as I adjust to being a widow and single mother... and while I miss him desperately, I am still very angry at the drug and the addiction. Again, I have much work to do....
So...that's a bit about me. I hope that I can be a productive member here and learn and maybe, just maybe, help teach as well.
Namaste.
HeroinWidow
I hope that I can learn from being here and hopefully can provide help and support as well. There is much I want to say, but for right now I'll just introduce myself and say that joining this group is the first step in my stepping out from the shroud of secrecy and shame that his death brought to his family and to me, on some level.
His parents asked that I tell everyone that he died of a heart attack.
His friends couldn't believe I told his parents the truth.
Only a select few of my friends and family know the truth.
His friends and brother can't believe I plan on, one day, being honest with my children about their father and his addiction.
I believe it is my duty to speak openly and honestly. I don't know that I could be true to my children or their father's legacy if I remained silent. Joining this group is my first step to being honest. It is my hope that my words can perhaps help, heal and if I'm really, really fortunate...maybe they can help prevent someone from using or maybe even save a life. I want people to know the truth. The truth is that we looked very successful and normal from the outside....he owned a very successful business and I had a great position in a very specialized field. We owned a home in a great neighborhood. We both came from "good families"........if I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't have believed that a heroin addict could be found among our circumstances. But that is the truth. He was an addict and a good addict at that, for even those of our mutual friends who were familiar with drug use and addiction were unaware that he was using, again.
I was in denial. I didn't even know he was using again until the night he died. I am working on forgiving myself for that...
Our children were very small--2 1/2 years and 7 months old. They are beautiful, magical children. My hands and my plate are full, as I adjust to being a widow and single mother... and while I miss him desperately, I am still very angry at the drug and the addiction. Again, I have much work to do....
So...that's a bit about me. I hope that I can be a productive member here and learn and maybe, just maybe, help teach as well.
Namaste.
HeroinWidow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 24
Thank you for your words. I hope I can help and get help---for I know that I too, have much to learn.
I wanted to add the following as well:
My husband was one to always reassure me that he would NEVER overdose or die from heroin use. He was probably the most intelligent man that I ever met, but when it came to his addiction, that went out the window. He use to tell me, "I know what I'm doing..." as if he made the drug himself and knew the contents of what he was putting up his nose. I still don't know (and never will, as I opted not to have an autopsy, the packets in his wallet and the empty envelope in his pocket were evidence enough for me) if he overdosed or just got a "bad batch", but I do know that his dealer called on his phone that very morning, checking up to see if needed more, I suppose.
He was the love of my life. Ours was, when we met and he was sober, the kind of love you read about and see portrayed in the movies. He was my soulmate and my heart. His children are incredible and beautiful. I cannot leave the house without garnering a comment on how well behaved and beautiful they are from strangers. To think that a snort of heroin took him away from us is almost too much to believe.
But it happens. I am proof that this disease IS fatal.
I wanted to add the following as well:
My husband was one to always reassure me that he would NEVER overdose or die from heroin use. He was probably the most intelligent man that I ever met, but when it came to his addiction, that went out the window. He use to tell me, "I know what I'm doing..." as if he made the drug himself and knew the contents of what he was putting up his nose. I still don't know (and never will, as I opted not to have an autopsy, the packets in his wallet and the empty envelope in his pocket were evidence enough for me) if he overdosed or just got a "bad batch", but I do know that his dealer called on his phone that very morning, checking up to see if needed more, I suppose.
He was the love of my life. Ours was, when we met and he was sober, the kind of love you read about and see portrayed in the movies. He was my soulmate and my heart. His children are incredible and beautiful. I cannot leave the house without garnering a comment on how well behaved and beautiful they are from strangers. To think that a snort of heroin took him away from us is almost too much to believe.
But it happens. I am proof that this disease IS fatal.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I am sorry for your loss but grateful that you are hearing willing to share your story.
Sometimes we need to be reminded that this disease can be fatal if its not arrested. Reading your posts makes me step back and be grateful that my ex finally sought recovery.
Thanks for sharing. Welcome to SR. Many people here need to hear what you have to say. And you yourself can seek healing and your own recovery in places like this.
Sometimes we need to be reminded that this disease can be fatal if its not arrested. Reading your posts makes me step back and be grateful that my ex finally sought recovery.
Thanks for sharing. Welcome to SR. Many people here need to hear what you have to say. And you yourself can seek healing and your own recovery in places like this.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thank you for posting - I can see myself all over this anytime soon. AH started on darvocet/percocet - escalated to oxy - when he was fired from his 20 year job (awesome money) he stooped to heroine. He of course "knows the ropes" "can do it himself." It has become my reality that I may bury him because of this disease. Thanks for telling us ALL like it is. Drugs bring death. Hugs to you and your kids. NOBODY deserves to do this. You'd said your IL's said something about him dying of a heart attack. I can see myself going along with this just to protect his reputation. BUT IRL we know. I'm sorry you're here, but thank you for the reminder. Lots of info here - please stay and read and join us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you for sharing and my condolences on your loss.
I think your heart is in the right place with wanting to be honest, to your children especially. Since this is a disease and there are genetic components, the truth will be a cautionary story for them.
My daughter is 21 and a recovering IV dilaudid user. We've had conversations about her having children someday, and she'll want them to know in the hope they won't use.
I think your heart is in the right place with wanting to be honest, to your children especially. Since this is a disease and there are genetic components, the truth will be a cautionary story for them.
My daughter is 21 and a recovering IV dilaudid user. We've had conversations about her having children someday, and she'll want them to know in the hope they won't use.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Heroinwidow,
Thank you for sharing your story and joining us. My husband, estranged for 5 years, is a crack addict. He also was the love of my life, and we had it all. Now, sadly, all the money is gone, the business is gone, and we are all struggling financially. I am so lucky to have my children and grand children.
I'm so sorry you lost your husband to this horrible disease. It's amazing what an addict can hide from those who live them. I hope you can find peace, and I'm very gled you're here.
Thank you for sharing your story and joining us. My husband, estranged for 5 years, is a crack addict. He also was the love of my life, and we had it all. Now, sadly, all the money is gone, the business is gone, and we are all struggling financially. I am so lucky to have my children and grand children.
I'm so sorry you lost your husband to this horrible disease. It's amazing what an addict can hide from those who live them. I hope you can find peace, and I'm very gled you're here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 24
Chino,
Thank you for that. It won't be something easy to tell them. But I can't help but think they deserve to know the truth for a couple of reasons...first, I want them to know about their genetics and that yes, they might have the potential (I'm not sure what the correct term is) to become an addict if they go "experimenting". My DH started smoking marijuana at 12 and was addicted to that as well, though he'd been "clean" from pot for some time (as far as I know). I am a firm believer that pot IS a "gateway drug" for SOME people, maybe not for everyone--but if you have a family history of addiction, I'd say you have a right to know about it.
And secondly, I don't want my children to hear it from someone else, which is a possibility. I think it would be very painful if someone else were to tell them about their father and his death and not hear it from me. I feel it is my obligation as a loving mother to make sure they know the truth---no matter how painful it might be for us. (How much easier it would be to just tell them about the beautiful things and leave out the junk....alas.)
Thank you for that. It won't be something easy to tell them. But I can't help but think they deserve to know the truth for a couple of reasons...first, I want them to know about their genetics and that yes, they might have the potential (I'm not sure what the correct term is) to become an addict if they go "experimenting". My DH started smoking marijuana at 12 and was addicted to that as well, though he'd been "clean" from pot for some time (as far as I know). I am a firm believer that pot IS a "gateway drug" for SOME people, maybe not for everyone--but if you have a family history of addiction, I'd say you have a right to know about it.
And secondly, I don't want my children to hear it from someone else, which is a possibility. I think it would be very painful if someone else were to tell them about their father and his death and not hear it from me. I feel it is my obligation as a loving mother to make sure they know the truth---no matter how painful it might be for us. (How much easier it would be to just tell them about the beautiful things and leave out the junk....alas.)
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome.
Glad you're here to share your ESH (experience,strength + hope)
Addiction is shrouded in secrecy. But only if we keep it that way. Those of us who talk about it bring it out of the closet. Usually it takes experiencing it first hand to have compassion for the addict.
Too bad that your love did not beat his disease. My son is an addict and has
OD a couple of times, thankfully not fatally. So very sorry it is your reality.
Glad you're here to share your ESH (experience,strength + hope)
Addiction is shrouded in secrecy. But only if we keep it that way. Those of us who talk about it bring it out of the closet. Usually it takes experiencing it first hand to have compassion for the addict.
Too bad that your love did not beat his disease. My son is an addict and has
OD a couple of times, thankfully not fatally. So very sorry it is your reality.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 123
(((HeroinWidow)))
First, I want to offer my heartfelt condolences. No one can know the pain of losing a loved one to an addiction unless you've gone through it.
I lost my 41-year old son last September 2008 to heroin. No one knew he was using either. He was an addict. Addicts are controlled by their addictions. My son was an intelligent, talented, sensitive, beautiful person. Yet he chose to use and died from heroin. It was the shock of our lives when we learned of his death. I will never recover.
How old was you DH?
Heroin is the devil's drug...so tempting, powerful, and deadly. I will never understand why people choose this horrific drug knowing how deadly it is.
Every day I ask myself why.
I hope you can find some peace and comfort on this forum.
Katy
First, I want to offer my heartfelt condolences. No one can know the pain of losing a loved one to an addiction unless you've gone through it.
I lost my 41-year old son last September 2008 to heroin. No one knew he was using either. He was an addict. Addicts are controlled by their addictions. My son was an intelligent, talented, sensitive, beautiful person. Yet he chose to use and died from heroin. It was the shock of our lives when we learned of his death. I will never recover.
How old was you DH?
Heroin is the devil's drug...so tempting, powerful, and deadly. I will never understand why people choose this horrific drug knowing how deadly it is.
Every day I ask myself why.
I hope you can find some peace and comfort on this forum.
Katy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
Thank you so much for sharing about your painful loss. I haven't been around here long but I have already learned so much just by reading, and the people here are truly kind, compassionate and very knowledgable.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((((Heroinwidow)))))
Welcome to Sr... I'm so sorry for your loss...
I admire your honesty and bravery for wanting to tell the truth about what really caused your AH's death... You truly are doing the honorable and noble thing of being honest with yourself, your friends and your children when the time is right to tell them..
When we shroud addiction with secrecy we only spiral further into denial about the disease..
When my AH was actively using, I heard that statement so many times..."trust me, I have been doing this a long time, I know what I'm doing"... It baffles me the logic an addict has, how invincible they think they are to their DOC..
My AH's DOC was oxy's, percs and loracets... my greatest fear was those not being enough and that he would graduate to heroin...after all thats all oxy's are..
Each day that he is sober is a gift because I know that tomorrow that gift can be taken away from me and I could end up in your situation...
Thank You for sharing and I hope you stick around because we have lots to learn from you
Welcome to Sr... I'm so sorry for your loss...
I admire your honesty and bravery for wanting to tell the truth about what really caused your AH's death... You truly are doing the honorable and noble thing of being honest with yourself, your friends and your children when the time is right to tell them..
When we shroud addiction with secrecy we only spiral further into denial about the disease..
My husband was one to always reassure me that he would NEVER overdose or die from heroin use. He was probably the most intelligent man that I ever met, but when it came to his addiction, that went out the window. He use to tell me, "I know what I'm doing..."
My AH's DOC was oxy's, percs and loracets... my greatest fear was those not being enough and that he would graduate to heroin...after all thats all oxy's are..
Each day that he is sober is a gift because I know that tomorrow that gift can be taken away from me and I could end up in your situation...
Thank You for sharing and I hope you stick around because we have lots to learn from you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Katyrose 
I lost my 41-year old son last September 2008 to heroin. No one knew he was using either. He was an addict. Addicts are controlled by their addictions. My son was an intelligent, talented, sensitive, beautiful person. Yet he chose to use and died from heroin. It was the shock of our lives when we learned of his death. I will never recover.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my soulmate, but you lost a son. And while I've learned never to compare grief, I will tell you that while we are neighbors in this place of grief, we are definitely on different streets...I cannot imagine losing my child, let alone to heroin. I am so very sorry.
Strangely enough, 3 months after my AH died, my nephew died from taking an oxycotin pill. He was 19. His was not an overdose, but simply (according to the medical examiner) his body could not handle it (he had an enlarged liver and heart trouble (unknown until the autopsy)). My sister and I have been brought closer in our grief and I don't believe she will ever recover either.
Losing a child is so difficult and it is still so recent for you. I commend you for being here.
My husband was a month shy of his 44th birthday.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Thank you, Heroinwidow, for your heartfelt and honest post. I imagine how painful that is, especially since it hasn't been that long since you lost your Husband to this disease.
I lost my little sister to this disease in '91. When you mentioned your inlaws asking you to say that he had a heart attack, it brought back memories of my Mom wanting not wanting anyone to tell the truth about what took my sister. She actually died from Chirrosis of the liver at the age of 26. I was already an addict and alcoholic myself then, but did it stop me from continuing to use? No. It only made me use more because I didn't want to feel the pain.
I'm glad you found us. We need you just as much as you need us. I'm glad to see that you are able to admit that you are anger at him. One of the hardest things for me to work through after Linda's death was the anger I was feeling towards her for dying and leaving us. I thought there was something really sick about being angry at someone who has passed away.
I also feel that when your kids are old enough, I would definately tell them. I truly believe that addiction is hereditary and your kids are at a greater risk if they do pick up. I can tell you that I have a son who is now 20, but he was 15 when I got into Recovery. He saw, first hand, what it did to me and I can proudly say that my son is very anti drugs and alcohol. People need to know the truth about what this disease promises us ultimately.
You seem to be a very strong lady and I hope you will continue to share with us and most of all, you are able to work on the feelings surrounding your husband's death. How truly Blessed you are to have the legacy of the beautiful children that are a forever reminder of the love the two of you shared.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
This is my story,too. I was married for 27 years to a wonderful, educated, very amazing men, my best friend ever. He started using drugs as a teen, and at some point about 9 years ago began to use coke regularly. After a few years of abstinence, he relapsed and eventually became hooked on crack. In the last year, our lives completely unraveled, he has been arrested several times for possession and DUI, spent time in jail, lost his very highly paid job, been to treatment and relapsed twice...Now we are divorced,and I have managed to transition to being single again. But there is this sadness at the back of my mind, because I know that he is still using and could die,too. No one could believe the things he did either, this nice, giving, much loved and respected man. Sometimes I can't believe it, either.
I have been reading posts here for about 8 months, and today I just wanted some fellowship, it is so lonely at times, having this bizarre experience of living a normal life, with a beautiful house and garden, a great lifestyle, and underneath it all there was addiction. I kept it secret the first time, but this last time (relapse after 2? years), I decided to just tell the truth. Everyone was aghast and floored that they had had no idea what I had been through before ( the lies, affairs, money theft). I kept his secrets out of shame, but secrets just enable, and it kept me from learning enough about addiction and codependence to help me cope the first time around.
Thank you all for being here. There have been many lonely nights when I felt so isolated and alone. Reading your posts and learning that others have been through the grief of losing a husband to addiction (though he is still living) has helped me feel less alone. It is almost worse than death, because there can never be any closure. Thank you all for lending me your strength and experience, it has really helped me heal.
I have been reading posts here for about 8 months, and today I just wanted some fellowship, it is so lonely at times, having this bizarre experience of living a normal life, with a beautiful house and garden, a great lifestyle, and underneath it all there was addiction. I kept it secret the first time, but this last time (relapse after 2? years), I decided to just tell the truth. Everyone was aghast and floored that they had had no idea what I had been through before ( the lies, affairs, money theft). I kept his secrets out of shame, but secrets just enable, and it kept me from learning enough about addiction and codependence to help me cope the first time around.
Thank you all for being here. There have been many lonely nights when I felt so isolated and alone. Reading your posts and learning that others have been through the grief of losing a husband to addiction (though he is still living) has helped me feel less alone. It is almost worse than death, because there can never be any closure. Thank you all for lending me your strength and experience, it has really helped me heal.
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