List for Intervention?? Help!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
List for Intervention?? Help!!
Hello everyone, I am trying to figure somethings out and hope that some of you could share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas.
My husband is 42 - alcoholic and addict - uses marijuana and meth (would that be PH and MH?)
The drinking is daily - "it's only beer", the marij. and meth - I don't even know. I know I found out he was using meth two years ago and said he either quits or the kids and I are gone.
He had apparently quit - passed drug tests at first and no evidence of using. Now, here we are again. Money is disappearing - not sure if it is from the drugs, drinking or gambling (oh yes, he does that too), he's personality is changing - it does fluctuate - like everyones - but he shows no concern for the kids - i.e. oldest son came home from hospital after surgery and spouse came into living room yelling and cussing at me because dogs woke HIM up from nap, no word to son at all. Then found a scrape bag in the pockets of his jeans while doing laundry - he of course was clueless as to how it got there.
I have given him a week from today to get out - he asked for a week to have money to go somewhere else.
I have spoken with an addiction counselor who has suggested doing an intervention. She has asked me to write a list of things that MUST happen or change. I am struggling with this and I know alot of my struggle is my own coDep issues, my growing up in a dysfunc. family and not really knowing what to expect and what is normal.
I mean, I know my number one is NO DRUGS - meaning illegal or legal mood-altering. NO DRINKING - I drink occasionally - like once a month if even - but if he drinks daily and can't skip a day, I'm correct in thinking he won't be able to ever drink casually, right?
Should I address the personal issues - or just anticipate that without the drinking and drugging that the rest may resolve as well, or at least just deal with those two and then the rest?
Some of the "personal issues" would be - be an active participant in the family, meaning don't just come in from work and go to bed;
don't stop by the bar after work - come home and spend time with the kids and me;
show consideration for others - speak to us respectfully;
Our plan for the intervention is to tell him 1. He has to leave my house, 2. He can go stay with his dad, 3. He has to get into treatment asap. Treatment is harder because we don't have insurance or the money to pay for private treatment - do ya'll think AA is enough? I don't know what or if he'll need to detox, I don't know a time limit to put on attending AA - I don't know if I should ask for a sign-in sheet like he's on probation.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!
My husband is 42 - alcoholic and addict - uses marijuana and meth (would that be PH and MH?)
The drinking is daily - "it's only beer", the marij. and meth - I don't even know. I know I found out he was using meth two years ago and said he either quits or the kids and I are gone.
He had apparently quit - passed drug tests at first and no evidence of using. Now, here we are again. Money is disappearing - not sure if it is from the drugs, drinking or gambling (oh yes, he does that too), he's personality is changing - it does fluctuate - like everyones - but he shows no concern for the kids - i.e. oldest son came home from hospital after surgery and spouse came into living room yelling and cussing at me because dogs woke HIM up from nap, no word to son at all. Then found a scrape bag in the pockets of his jeans while doing laundry - he of course was clueless as to how it got there.
I have given him a week from today to get out - he asked for a week to have money to go somewhere else.
I have spoken with an addiction counselor who has suggested doing an intervention. She has asked me to write a list of things that MUST happen or change. I am struggling with this and I know alot of my struggle is my own coDep issues, my growing up in a dysfunc. family and not really knowing what to expect and what is normal.
I mean, I know my number one is NO DRUGS - meaning illegal or legal mood-altering. NO DRINKING - I drink occasionally - like once a month if even - but if he drinks daily and can't skip a day, I'm correct in thinking he won't be able to ever drink casually, right?
Should I address the personal issues - or just anticipate that without the drinking and drugging that the rest may resolve as well, or at least just deal with those two and then the rest?
Some of the "personal issues" would be - be an active participant in the family, meaning don't just come in from work and go to bed;
don't stop by the bar after work - come home and spend time with the kids and me;
show consideration for others - speak to us respectfully;
Our plan for the intervention is to tell him 1. He has to leave my house, 2. He can go stay with his dad, 3. He has to get into treatment asap. Treatment is harder because we don't have insurance or the money to pay for private treatment - do ya'll think AA is enough? I don't know what or if he'll need to detox, I don't know a time limit to put on attending AA - I don't know if I should ask for a sign-in sheet like he's on probation.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Alley.
Have you talked to a professional about this? I think it's great that you are getting him out of the house. He sounds like he's not the best example for the kids or father for your children right now. But I feel sorry for his dad. Does his dad know what he is in for with a meth addict and alcoholic under his roof? Please warn him.
For an alcoholic/addict AA is enough if he wants to get better, but if you have to force him to go, it's not going to help him. If he doesn't want to get better he's not going to. Nothing you can do or say will change that.
Are you going to Alanon or anything?
I would just say Get out. You can't come back until you are in recovery. Take it day by day. There is no time limit. Recovery is a LIFETIME commitment.
Have you talked to a professional about this? I think it's great that you are getting him out of the house. He sounds like he's not the best example for the kids or father for your children right now. But I feel sorry for his dad. Does his dad know what he is in for with a meth addict and alcoholic under his roof? Please warn him.
For an alcoholic/addict AA is enough if he wants to get better, but if you have to force him to go, it's not going to help him. If he doesn't want to get better he's not going to. Nothing you can do or say will change that.
Are you going to Alanon or anything?
I would just say Get out. You can't come back until you are in recovery. Take it day by day. There is no time limit. Recovery is a LIFETIME commitment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
His dad does know and has agreed. You may be right though - his dad may actually not be the best place for him to be as I feel that alot of his issues revolve around his dad.
That was probably my tendency to solve things for him - in trying him a place to stay, and maybe I should just leave it alone and let him find his own place to stay and make his own decision regarding that.
That was probably my tendency to solve things for him - in trying him a place to stay, and maybe I should just leave it alone and let him find his own place to stay and make his own decision regarding that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You may be right though - his dad may actually not be the best place for him to be as I feel that alot of his issues revolve around his dad.
The three c's:
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
I hope you check out meetings or something for yourself. Addiction is a family disease and family members need recovery as much, if not more, than the addict themselves.
Welcome by the way. Keep reading and posting here. :-) You will find many people who have been through what you are going through. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Welcome Alley!!!....It does sound like intervention is your last resort.
Your first thing to do would be to list all the ways his drinking and using have effected you and the children.
Then you ask other family members that would like to be involved in the intervention to do the same.
Each one is to express this to him at the intervention appt.
Then you make a list of things that MUST HAPPEN and must change. Treatment, etc... If he agrees, great!! If he doesn't, everyone is to let him go.....and I mean everyone! This is a true intervention.
Hoping for the best Alley. One day at a time. My sister is doing an intervention for her son-in-law. It's not easy. Stay strong.
Your first thing to do would be to list all the ways his drinking and using have effected you and the children.
Then you ask other family members that would like to be involved in the intervention to do the same.
Each one is to express this to him at the intervention appt.
Then you make a list of things that MUST HAPPEN and must change. Treatment, etc... If he agrees, great!! If he doesn't, everyone is to let him go.....and I mean everyone! This is a true intervention.
Hoping for the best Alley. One day at a time. My sister is doing an intervention for her son-in-law. It's not easy. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 163
I got sober in AA with no other treatment (15 years last June), as did my husband (22 years, last October). In my experience, people who concentrate on AA early by doing lots of meetings (90 meetings in 90 days is suggested), getting a sponsor, and getting through step 5 before 90 days is up, tend to do pretty well.
In my experience, an intervention is no guarantee of recovery. I did an intervention with my mother. We had a pretty calm, level conversation about her use of narcotics and alcohol and how it affected me and others in the family. She went to AA and NA for about 14 months, never quit completely, and then went back to using as much as she liked. She refuses to quit using narcotics because she says she "likes them too much."
I'm not telling you not to do an intervention. They often work. Good luck. At least if it doesn't work, you will have given it your best shot.
In my experience, an intervention is no guarantee of recovery. I did an intervention with my mother. We had a pretty calm, level conversation about her use of narcotics and alcohol and how it affected me and others in the family. She went to AA and NA for about 14 months, never quit completely, and then went back to using as much as she liked. She refuses to quit using narcotics because she says she "likes them too much."
I'm not telling you not to do an intervention. They often work. Good luck. At least if it doesn't work, you will have given it your best shot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Thanks so much for your thoughts! I guess where I got tied up at was that the therapist said I'm supposed to list things that "must" change and not things that I would "like" to change. She also suggested we involve the children - our boys are 8 and 15 - because it will help them with realizing why dad is gone, that it is his issues not ours and will show him it affects the kids too. When asked "Where's Dad", my 8 yo will tell you that dad is probably at the bar. I just worry about exposing them to too much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Family therapy sessions are okay with a kid but an intervention is way too tough and you may have to say some things that they really dont need to be hearing about. 8 is entirely too young for a real intervention. 15 yo may seem mature enough but this is something they will remember for the rest of their life and seems like a huge risk to take for their sake. THEY are more important than him right now - spare them the pain.
As for the rest i always thought that the intervention was solely about the drug use. Seems a little early to be talking about some of the things.
As for the rest i always thought that the intervention was solely about the drug use. Seems a little early to be talking about some of the things.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
A few months ago my MIL and I were planning on doing an intervention on my AH .
During that time I read a very good book called Love First by Jeff and Debra Jay.. It lays everything out step by step on what you should do, who you should involve and what happens when the intervention is not successful.. because yes, some interventions fail.. they are not all like the ones you see on A&E.
In my case the intervention never happend.. My MIL got sick and we put it off till after the holidays.. in order to restore myself to some kind of sanity, I drug myself back to Alanon and started taking care of me.. setting boundaries, not enabling and basicly minding my own business..
Maybe it was the change in me or maybe my AH had just finally grown sick and tired of being sick and tired.. he broke down and went to a doc and got put on subs, started going to AA/NA meetings and his trying really hard to work his program..
Read everything you can on interventions before you do one... you only get one shot to do everything right..
In the meantime, turn the focus on you and your kids... set your boundaries now.. he does not have to live in your house in order for you to do an intervention...
During that time I read a very good book called Love First by Jeff and Debra Jay.. It lays everything out step by step on what you should do, who you should involve and what happens when the intervention is not successful.. because yes, some interventions fail.. they are not all like the ones you see on A&E.
In my case the intervention never happend.. My MIL got sick and we put it off till after the holidays.. in order to restore myself to some kind of sanity, I drug myself back to Alanon and started taking care of me.. setting boundaries, not enabling and basicly minding my own business..
Maybe it was the change in me or maybe my AH had just finally grown sick and tired of being sick and tired.. he broke down and went to a doc and got put on subs, started going to AA/NA meetings and his trying really hard to work his program..
Read everything you can on interventions before you do one... you only get one shot to do everything right..
In the meantime, turn the focus on you and your kids... set your boundaries now.. he does not have to live in your house in order for you to do an intervention...
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Alley -- I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Your original post sounds like where I was a few months ago (and have been for a number of years). I tried to do everything for my AH -- booking appointments, driving him to meetings (if he would go which hasn't been for about 4 years), setting doctors appointments, taking days off work to make sure he gave me money when he got paid, etc etc etc.) All the while forgetting about myself. Not doing ANYTHING to take care of me. Recently (very recently) I have started to try to focus on me. It is painful and very slow. After 20 years of marriage I know now that I have to leave. But it is very complicated and scary. I know that nothing I can do, no matter how hard I have tried (and I have tried) is going to change him (I have begged, given ultimatums, made lists, made conditions and boundaries) and none of it has helped because I DIDN'T follow through. This time, I'm concentrating on myself and trying to deal ONE DAY AT A TIME. My worst fears are coming true finally but all the effort I have put into trying to stop them from coming true did me no good.
I know nothing about interventions. I have not tried that. But I know that my husband wouldn't respond. He doesn't have a problem don't you know! My daughters are 16 and 18 and I still think they are too young to know about his cocaine problem (they know he has a drinking problem). I am not naiive to think that they suspect drugs. I would be careful about exposing my children to this type of "scene".
I truly hope that you find peace and know that there are others out here that are going through what you are -- keep coming back and reading here and check out the stickies at the top. Try (and it is really hard for those of us who have lived like this for so long and hold other lives in their hands) to focus on yourself for truly, we can't take care of others unless we take care of ourselves.
I am thinking of you
ttg
Your original post sounds like where I was a few months ago (and have been for a number of years). I tried to do everything for my AH -- booking appointments, driving him to meetings (if he would go which hasn't been for about 4 years), setting doctors appointments, taking days off work to make sure he gave me money when he got paid, etc etc etc.) All the while forgetting about myself. Not doing ANYTHING to take care of me. Recently (very recently) I have started to try to focus on me. It is painful and very slow. After 20 years of marriage I know now that I have to leave. But it is very complicated and scary. I know that nothing I can do, no matter how hard I have tried (and I have tried) is going to change him (I have begged, given ultimatums, made lists, made conditions and boundaries) and none of it has helped because I DIDN'T follow through. This time, I'm concentrating on myself and trying to deal ONE DAY AT A TIME. My worst fears are coming true finally but all the effort I have put into trying to stop them from coming true did me no good.
I know nothing about interventions. I have not tried that. But I know that my husband wouldn't respond. He doesn't have a problem don't you know! My daughters are 16 and 18 and I still think they are too young to know about his cocaine problem (they know he has a drinking problem). I am not naiive to think that they suspect drugs. I would be careful about exposing my children to this type of "scene".
I truly hope that you find peace and know that there are others out here that are going through what you are -- keep coming back and reading here and check out the stickies at the top. Try (and it is really hard for those of us who have lived like this for so long and hold other lives in their hands) to focus on yourself for truly, we can't take care of others unless we take care of ourselves.
I am thinking of you
ttg
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