Divorce Hearing Tuesday
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Divorce Hearing Tuesday
I could use your good thoughts.
This initial hearing has been pushed back 3x, and I think it's finally going to happen Tuesday. I'm nervous, but know it has to be, and when it's over I imagine I'll feel a great weight has lifted.
I never thought I'd be divorcing STBXAH- even when things were at their worst. I really loved that man, but I look back now and wonder how I put myself through so much turmoil in order to get him to love me the way I wanted/needed to be loved. I'm finding some answers, and in the process I'm learning a lot about myself. It's been quite a journey.
I remember when I signed up for this forum a year ago I was a wreck. STBXAH had decided he wanted to separate. He had had it with me trying to control him, he wasn't an alcoholic, every issue in our marriage was my fault, I couldn't accept him for who he was, etc. It was a lot of the usual blame-shifting many of us have had to deal with. He was dragging his feet on finding a place to rent when I found a note he had written about a woman he works with. I was devastated. This was something that had happened with him 10 years earlier, and for me everything came rushing back and knocked me on my rear. I told him to leave that night, and he hasn't been back since. I took a lot of time to figure out what I wanted to do.
No, I really don't want to be divorced, but I know I could never live with STBXAH again. He's not who I was hoping he was. Over the 18 years we've been together I have put so much energy into making myself a healthier person, and trying to make our marriage work. But one person can't do all the work.
Now I am trying to live my life for me. I'm really busy with 2 jobs, freelance, grad school on top of raising our dd and trying to get our house ready to sell. Life is pretty good though- considering.
I remember back in November when the hearing was to be scheduled and it was pushed into 2009. I couldn't see any good from it- WHY was it being rescheduled yet again??? A good friend told me simply, "God has more work to do. Let him." This is someone with 22 years of recovery my friends. I remember that comment now and wonder if the "work" was in me? I'm definitely stronger than I was even in November. I have a clearer understanding of acceptance. I'm still sad, but my chest doesn't hurt everyday like it used to. I see this as my one and only precious life, and I'm determined to enjoy it. Whatever happens in the hearing happens. I've done all the footwork, now I need to rely on others to continue the process. . . but i have to admit I'm scared.
Thanks for listening- not only to this, but to all my fretting. You've all been a huge source of strength for me. If you'd keep me and dd in your thoughts on Tuesday, I'd appreciate it. ~Paj
This initial hearing has been pushed back 3x, and I think it's finally going to happen Tuesday. I'm nervous, but know it has to be, and when it's over I imagine I'll feel a great weight has lifted.
I never thought I'd be divorcing STBXAH- even when things were at their worst. I really loved that man, but I look back now and wonder how I put myself through so much turmoil in order to get him to love me the way I wanted/needed to be loved. I'm finding some answers, and in the process I'm learning a lot about myself. It's been quite a journey.
I remember when I signed up for this forum a year ago I was a wreck. STBXAH had decided he wanted to separate. He had had it with me trying to control him, he wasn't an alcoholic, every issue in our marriage was my fault, I couldn't accept him for who he was, etc. It was a lot of the usual blame-shifting many of us have had to deal with. He was dragging his feet on finding a place to rent when I found a note he had written about a woman he works with. I was devastated. This was something that had happened with him 10 years earlier, and for me everything came rushing back and knocked me on my rear. I told him to leave that night, and he hasn't been back since. I took a lot of time to figure out what I wanted to do.
No, I really don't want to be divorced, but I know I could never live with STBXAH again. He's not who I was hoping he was. Over the 18 years we've been together I have put so much energy into making myself a healthier person, and trying to make our marriage work. But one person can't do all the work.
Now I am trying to live my life for me. I'm really busy with 2 jobs, freelance, grad school on top of raising our dd and trying to get our house ready to sell. Life is pretty good though- considering.
I remember back in November when the hearing was to be scheduled and it was pushed into 2009. I couldn't see any good from it- WHY was it being rescheduled yet again??? A good friend told me simply, "God has more work to do. Let him." This is someone with 22 years of recovery my friends. I remember that comment now and wonder if the "work" was in me? I'm definitely stronger than I was even in November. I have a clearer understanding of acceptance. I'm still sad, but my chest doesn't hurt everyday like it used to. I see this as my one and only precious life, and I'm determined to enjoy it. Whatever happens in the hearing happens. I've done all the footwork, now I need to rely on others to continue the process. . . but i have to admit I'm scared.
Thanks for listening- not only to this, but to all my fretting. You've all been a huge source of strength for me. If you'd keep me and dd in your thoughts on Tuesday, I'd appreciate it. ~Paj
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
Originally Posted by Pajarito 
I remember back in November when the hearing was to be scheduled and it was pushed into 2009. I couldn't see any good from it- WHY was it being rescheduled yet again??? A good friend told me simply, "God has more work to do. Let him."
I remember reading a post from you a little while back about how you were going to stand up for yourself and fight (fairly) for what you deserved in the divorce proceedings. If I recall correctly, your STBXAH and his family were throwing a HUGE stink about you "airing his dirty laundry."
Perhaps the rescheduling of the proceedings gave you the additional time to gain confidence in your worth and to assert yourself in court. I know my "go-to" reaction to conflict is to give in so that other people won't be mad at me. Maybe those few extra months were key to getting the financial and property settlement that will be most advantageous for you and dd.
Who knows?
I'm impressed. Best of luck to you, Paj!
Lots of good energy heading your way - especially on Tuesday!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
I hope everything goes well for you.
My hearing was also continued several times. Each time I grew more and more frustrated. It took the longest time for me to decide to divorce XAH and once I finally made the decision it just wouldn't happen! I understand now though that God wasn't ready. He still had plans He needed to work out. And now, although it saddens me, I am finally free.
Everything always works out for the best, Paj. I know it will for you. You always try to do the next right thing. That's all any of us can do.
I'll be praying for you on Tuesday.
:praying
Sue
My hearing was also continued several times. Each time I grew more and more frustrated. It took the longest time for me to decide to divorce XAH and once I finally made the decision it just wouldn't happen! I understand now though that God wasn't ready. He still had plans He needed to work out. And now, although it saddens me, I am finally free.
Everything always works out for the best, Paj. I know it will for you. You always try to do the next right thing. That's all any of us can do.
I'll be praying for you on Tuesday.
:praying
Sue
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Paj - Having just crossed that bridge I stand prepared to welcome you to the other side! BEING divorced is not what I wanted either, and GETTING divorced is certainly no picnic. You have looked that reality square in the eyes and know that you had to do this for yourself and your dd. Prayers for you!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
(((Pajarito)))
You are right, one person can't possibly do all the work, and every step you take, just think how healthy you will be putting all that work into just you!
You are in my thoughts and prayers, take care of you.
:ghug3
Over the 18 years we've been together I have put so much energy into making myself a healthier person, and trying to make our marriage work. But one person can't do all the work.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, take care of you.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Paj))),
I will say prayers on Tuesday. I also didn't want to be divorced. Four + years later, and I am okay with the "D" word. Just met up with an old classmate from high school, also "D" and we both agree, this was not where we saw ourselves being at this age. But we continue to roll with it, and life is good most days
Hang tough for yourself and your daughter. You have done an awesome job so far. Be proud of yourself.
I will say prayers on Tuesday. I also didn't want to be divorced. Four + years later, and I am okay with the "D" word. Just met up with an old classmate from high school, also "D" and we both agree, this was not where we saw ourselves being at this age. But we continue to roll with it, and life is good most days
Hang tough for yourself and your daughter. You have done an awesome job so far. Be proud of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((Pajarito)))......You have given me words of strength and wisdom more times than I can count. I'll be keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts Tuesday. Give yourself time to feel all the feelings you are having/will have as you travel through this leg of your journey.
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